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leliel_12[Trigger warning: Still yet moar slavery apologia and related abuse, as well as a TON of pedophilia-adjacent stuff, a minor having a possible pregnancy kink, and an uncomfortable view of Raphtalia’s crotch as part of a cringey gag by the series. And MUCH MORE incest undertones. Also, underage partial nudity.]
[Image heavy by necessity]
[Link to das_spoking.]
[Scripts are from https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415, not sporker original work]
Leliel: So…apparently “five minutes” to Iana is “sneak out when nobody’s looking.”
Iana: [Chained to seat, tongue out] Says the man who actively “realized” he needed to create a few character sheets when he realized the video wasn’t done loading.
Luz: Yeah, but you kind of left your husband-
Suspire: Leliel said he refused to start without all crew accounted for.
Luz: … Ooooh. You sly devil! Thanks for the thirty minutes!
Wanderer2691: Yeah…unfortunately, we still need to do this…and looking ahead? I fear for Leliel’s sanity, given his hate of crap harems and scientific fails…
[Image heavy by necessity]
[Link to das_spoking.]
[Scripts are from https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415, not sporker original work]
Leliel: So…apparently “five minutes” to Iana is “sneak out when nobody’s looking.”
Iana: [Chained to seat, tongue out] Says the man who actively “realized” he needed to create a few character sheets when he realized the video wasn’t done loading.
Luz: Yeah, but you kind of left your husband-
Suspire: Leliel said he refused to start without all crew accounted for.
Luz: … Ooooh. You sly devil! Thanks for the thirty minutes!
Wanderer2691: Yeah…unfortunately, we still need to do this…and looking ahead? I fear for Leliel’s sanity, given his hate of crap harems and scientific fails…
Episode 7: The Savior of the Heavenly Fowl
Suspire: [Eye twitch] …No. Remain calm - we have already discussed this…serve him on his own shield to zombie kraken later…
[NAOFUMI grunts]
{HIKWAAL} You're the only one I can ask. You have the Heavenly Fowl.
Leliel: And here is an example of actually good foreshadowing, as we knew Motoyasu was dropping off that aforementioned seed there, and…well…
Iana: …this reminds me of the first time I tried to use necromancy to enchant a crop of rice to be able to feed on water leaking through from the Underworld as much as more earthly moisture. NEVER AGAIN.
Wanderer2691: …How does a cereal end up - nevermind! If you were paying attention, this actually ends up having a mystery solved early…the solution is so mangled and is so clearly meant to defame every Hero not Naofumi, but still!
Luz: So, beyond the walls, there’s an impromptu refugee camp from the super-ivy encroaching everywhere, where it’s discovered there’s a problem with burning them - some sprout into monsters and defend the growth, which expands faster than it can be burned.
Suspire: The parallels grow, but to be fair, those monsters be hungry ghosts possessing the grains and becoming angry trees- [Iana puts her hand over his mouth]
Leliel: They do have edible fruit, though, which Filo discovered just before she’s asked to retrieve some adventurers in over their heads:
Wanderer2691: This is also good foreshadowing for a bad twist - but in case you were afraid we actually would see some monsters, never fear, she’s back in like, literally three seconds.
[FILO] There were plant monsters all over the place. Some of them even spat poison or acid or something at me.
Iana: This is, of course, an extremely epic battle that would have been one for the ages and good diegetic exploration of the capabilities of the vine monsters, but, this show has Priorities, and so it must be relegating to Filo complaining.
Leliel: [Grumbling] You have no idea…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 238
Suspire: We skipped over that part of the script, but the adventurers earnestly thought the monsters were not that tough when sent - and the shifting bird lass knows that. She is being an arrogant scurvy dog for no reason.
Wanderer2691: Oh, there is a reason…
[RAPHTALIA] You really didn't have to say that last part.
{FILO} Huh?
[RAPHTALIA] Come on, don't "huh" me.
Suspire: Oh right - the slave harem fighting for the attention of the most fetching blaggard in the world, according to this screed. [Facepalm] If I can’t have rum, may I have a request for the end of this chapter?
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 353
Leliel: Granted. So, the villagers realize that Filo’s talking and realizes she’s the [urp] Heavenly Fowl, which naturally causes the villages to start praising and pleading Naofumi for help even though he ‘doesn’t appreciate it’ - sure Jan, as well as how you aren’t the Shield Devil to anyone here…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 239
Luz: It does get them to show him another trait of the vines…parasitism:
Iana: Okay, now this is something that didn’t happen with that rice. Directly. Hungry ghosts like blood, and unlike higher ghosts, they don’t typically have the presence of mind to even realize they can ask, let alone should.
Luz: To his credit, Naofumi uses his Potion Enhance skill to make the herbicide an effective anti-parasitic plant treatment, free of charge. To his shame, as he walks away, he says this.
{Naofumi} This isn't our mess to clean up.
Leliel: …he says walking away from a tent where people are being eaten alive by vines. I don’t think you get to dodge responsibility with that kind of body horror shit, you greedy slacknote!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 380
The village chief and his aides are faster on the draw though, so they catch up and beg the Savior of the Heavenly Fowl before he vamooses.
Wanderer2691: …and this is the really stupid payoff to good foreshadowing.
[CHIEF A] Our village was being ravaged by famine until, one day, the Spear Hero visited.
Suspire: …oh, hey, another parallel!
Iana: Shutty. And, well, I actually did go back to check on how things were going, that’s how I realized I accidentally turned a crop blight into an invasive-species-and-floral-zombie issue. So I’m considering myself superior to them here.
[NAOFUMI groans]
[VILLAGE CHIEF A] When he heard of our plight, he went to some nearby ruins and brought back a seed that had been sealed there many years before.
Wanderer2691: By the way, remember that warning from last part? Yeah, this was the seed referred to by the alchemist…and the outlying warning of DO NOT USE THIS, IT WILL NOT WORK AS INTENDED was right there. Presumably, this is because Motoyasu and every member of his party is a low-functioning sociopath, or illiterate.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 73
Leliel: We actually get an explanation in the light novel, and…well, as shown on the wiki, it doesn’t exactly make Motoyasu as unlikable as the franchise really wants him to be.
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Alchemist%27s_Cave)
It’s just on him…but at the same time, it’s Malty who made things chaotic and the Voice Gengars - who we know have illusion and mental powers, that’s how they hide themselves and play Asshole Parrots, they read minds - didn’t help matters and made him really want to leave. And the thing is, if this is supposed to be a dark insight into who he truly is - we know from Naofumi the Gengars are liars, even if they really shouldn’t have been with “slavers suck!” speech, so it’s just as easily “Motoyasu is worried he might be going too far with flirting and is scared of becoming part of the slaver problem”. So it comes off as Motoyasu being dicked around by fate, and then being blamed for it. Again.
RED MENACE: 68
Luz: But, basically, the plant grew into a tree, the Bio Plant, which had plenty of fruit-bearing vines, but…
Yep. Things went loco muy rapido and now, we have exponential growth of hungry, parasitic, monster-spewing vines. As the village chief notes, it was during their research when looking up options that they discovered the existence of the alchemist, and…I’m going to quote this, because the next bit is important context..
[CHIEF A] While investigating our options, we hit upon an ancient legend passed down among our people. A long time ago, an alchemist who'd set up shop in this area created a seed, but for some reason, he sealed it away.
[AIDE B] The legend also said that {plants had overtaken the region for a while}.
Suspire: Now. Keep and mind these landlubbers explicitly note that they only rediscovered the legend after the Bio Plant sprouted and was making a nuisance of itself. Even in the dub, where it’s said “after only a short while, the plants would overgrow everything in the region”, implying it be the seed itself, but mayhaps not “ambulatory monsters”, just “too many vines.”
{NAOFUMI} Hang on just a second. Why didn't any of you have doubts about that seed when you already knew about the legend?
[ALL gasp]
[NAOFUMI] I get it. You convinced yourself it was safe because a hero brought it to you, right?
Iana: [Mouth slowly draws into a predatory, enraged smile] Why, yes Naofumi. When someone brings you a seed that they say will save the area from famine, and it does, that generally implies said someone is a hero who brought it to you. Especially if the legend of the Bio Plant was not known to the local village chief. And the issue wasn’t initially obvious. Well, I can say that we aren’t that alike, Zombie Rice issue or no, Shield Hero - when I was called out for my ‘brilliant’ solution to drought, I didn’t self-righteously bloviate about how it was them who asked me, I accepted their criticism and took it to heart. Yes, I caused the issue I fixed, but I didn’t rub it in that they thought what I did was safe.
Luz: And before you critique us for him being annoyed that he is needed to clean up another hero’s mess more than anything…this is what gets him to stop whining:
{CHIEF A} Anything! Just please save our village, I beg you!
[NAOFUMI] I don't like cleaning up after that moron Motoyasu, but I'll earn my keep.
Wanderer2691: Yeah. He literally forced them to cough up money before he pretended to care, and making it clear these villagers that he is doing them a big favor by dirtying his feet in their quaint home. After they’ve been forced to evacuate by body horror vines. Truly, the most saintly and compassionate hero since that most saintly of figures, Vito Corleone.
Leliel: Dude, don’t insult the Godfather like that. He had standards - probably would rustle up the money to pay for a Bio Plant extermination first, then talk about that debt they all owe the family after everyone is back in their actual homes. Naofumi’s at a sub-Sopranos level of blackmailing grifter.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 382 (One for blackmail, one for being a general whiny prick about it.)
Suspire: Argh, I wish I couldn’t say I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting similar sorts in certain harbormasters…but anyway, the chief and his aides finally notice the Legendary Shield, but by that point, Naofumi’s already off to the infested village.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 240
But, anyway, they scrap with the Bio Plant’s spawn on the way, easily defeating them.
Luz: Which is a pity - there are cool demons!
Iana: …okay, that was definitely not the kind of bodies the Zombie Rice made. Those were more very thin trees with oozing claws…and to this day, I don’t know why mutated grass plus hungry ghost possession equals moving humanoid trees. But, when these are handily finished…well, I must say that I do think the Bio Plant’s flower is the kind of thing that is a product of the Underworld’s Labyrinth…which is to say, something the Neverborn dreamed into being:
Luz: …that does not look comfortable. Are those anthuriums? Whatever, they’re wiggling, and it’s making me viscerally uncomfortable. And this is me we’re talking about.
Wanderer2691: Filo slashing the thing just causes the eyeball to regenerate, so Naofumi gets the idea of having Raphtalia and Filo work together to give its roots a dose of herbicide. However, on the first run, Raphtalia is captured and - oh come the fuck on.
Leliel: You know, this same exact gag was done in Sword Art Online, with a girl captured by the tentacle-vines of a plant monster desperately preventing an upskirt (of an actually young teenage loli character, BTW)…and yet, I think I prefer that one, as it wasn’t also giving us a T&A pose that emphasized her bust. And Kirito was actually politely looking away as opposed to being laughed at by Filo in this weird jealous baby-in-adult-body love triangle. Basically? Gross.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 358 (Five, because EWWWWWW….)
Suspire: More eye damage to the humans aside, Filo tells Raphtalia to try and blow the Bio Plant down with herbicide, but it starts regenerating from that too, though it does cause the root to partly dissolve. Then, Naofumi gets an idea and ah by sweet Mars’s tits he’s going to steal glory isn’t he?
Luz: …Mars, Roman God of War, has boobs?
Wanderer2691: In Exalted, Mars is one of the Five Maidens, but she’s still a goddess of strategy and conflict - but I digress, because why the fuck wouldn’t he, being a power fantasy and all?
And he isn’t even defending against the grasping vines all that much, despite being the Shield Hero! He just blows them up after they grab him! Bullshit!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 239
Leliel: But yeah, the skill-buffed potion does the trick, and the Bio Plant wilts, and falls apart. Phew, almost had an actual fight there, as opposed to a bunch of cakewalks that took up precious minutes of the runtime! I’d normally not use this point again so quickly, but I know the actual priorities for this episode, and screw it!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 240
Luz: Of course, the fallen trunk is laden with fruits and seedpods…
…which Naofumi realizes could be a problem. Of course, Raphtalia and Filo get into a competition over it like children - because, uh, they are - and the Shield develops a Bio Plant form from it, including a skill called Plant Modification.
Iana: [Ears shoot up] A skill called what? Don’t tell me…
Wanderer2691: We’re getting there… But, Naofumi decides to test it, grabbing some seeds, and…
Iana: [Frowns] Uh…huh…okay, that’s a difference between us…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 383
But, he comes back, and is greeted by the villagers…
[CHIEF A] Thank you so much, Savior of the-- er, I mean, uh, Shield Hero!
Suspire: Well. Good to see there isn’t even any awkwardness that the devil figure just saved your town. Appreciation I get, but methinks there’d be at least one fanatic dog who would be screaming about being tricked rather than not look a gift horse in the mouth…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 241
Leliel: Naofumi tells the villagers they need to clean the vines - fair, he’s just there to get them dead enough to not kill the cleaners - and goes off to bed, testing both the Bio Plant Shield and the Mandrake (the plant tube with eyes) Shield. But, during the night, we get this exchange between Raphtalia and the chief…
Wanderer2691: This is the face of a man divided between lying to her about the truth and breaking her heart. No matter what the show says, Raphtalia’s affection is fucking creepy, and this village chief is one of the few people that Get It.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 359
Suspire: But in any case, Naofumi wakes up early in the morn and starts using Plant Modification, plus the know-whats that the Mandrake Shield’s Plant Analysis gives him to switch some stats, and plants the new seed…
(Out of sequence, better view)
{NAOFUMI} I curbed their breeding and mutation potential, then increased their growth and productivity. With this, they should bear lots of edible fruit without turning into monsters.
[CHIEF A] Ohh.
{NAOFUMI} Your village will never have to worry about famine again.
Luz: Aaand just like that, all issues are undone! Man, isn’t it so nice to have Naofumi instead of Motoyasu? …because he does the same exact thing with more resources to cheat out of issues?!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 242 (Rant later about this in this entry, right now we have a worse issue to eviscerate.)
Iana: [Stares, then slaps her forehead] Luna above, I wish I could have met Thuuli before the whole Zombie Rice incident, we could have saved my dignity and split the credit if he did something similar-
[CHIEF A] Thank you so much, Sir Hero! Not only did you save us from danger, you've given us the most wonderful gift we could imagine!
{NAOFUMI} Who said anything about giving it?
Iana: -excuse me what.
[OTHERS] Huh?
[NAOFUMI] I'll tell you what. Let's cut a deal. I'll sell you these seeds, for the right price.
[RAPHTALIA] Aren't you being a little greedy, Master Naofumi?
Iana: Little? These people literally came out of a famine and their village being overtaken by a plant monster, plus-
{VILLAGE CHIEF A} But--but we paid you everything we had for the treatment and extermination. There's no more money left!
Iana: Exactly! Not only do they not have money left, they are unstable and need to rebuild post-remodeling so that they can return to productivity after the one-two punch of famine and infestation, at most you’d be able to ask for an investment weighted to your benefit-
Iana: ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS YOU REJECT OF THE GUILD FOR ETHICAL REASONS-
{VILLAGE CHIEF A} I have no idea what that could be. We have nothing... {[notices Filo eating the Bio Plant vine fruits]} Hm?
Iana: …he didn’t. The fruits that the Bio Plant grew…?
Leliel: He did.
Iana: Uh…huh. Hm. [Steeples fingers as anima and Caste mark flare.] Interesting…
Suspire: …ah, shiver me timbers, I think the Great Curse is acting up… [Scoots away from imminent explosion]
Iana: Let me outline the scenario. You, Naofumi, came across a struggling town. This township, which had suffered a bad harvest, stumbled on an apparent solution which everyone, including the offerer of the solution, thought would be a permanent one. It backfired when the solution proceeded to sprout into the queen of a hive of plants, resulting in massive property damage at least. You, when faced with this, proceed to emotionally blackmail them into paying you with their remaining stores, which are, presumably, what they’d need to buy food and housing after the crisis is over. Then, once you do the job they paid you for, you play gardener with the monster plant because, create a derivation that you don’t know how long it will last because you just fucking learned that skill while not fixing their houses AND THEN YOU MAKE THEM PAY WITH THEIR REMAINING FOOD STORES AND THE ONE THING LEFT THEY HAVE?!
[Shapeshifts, cracking chains]
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/SlayThePrincessThePrincess)
ChimerIana: WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!? I’VE MET LITERAL SLAVERS WHO WERE LESS GREEDY AND CALLOUS! OH, WAIT, YOU’RE THAT TOO, OOPS-FUCK! NO WONDER THEY CALL YOU THE SHIELD DEVIL, YOU RETROACTIVELY RUINED THE WEAPON’S REP BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO BUSY MOUNTING YOUR OWN MONEY! I’D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO HOUSE RAGARA, GIVEN HOW THEY AT LEAST DO A SERVICE THEY ADVERTISE INSTEAD OF SET UP BANANA REPUBLICS! NO WAIT, AT LEAST THE REPUBLICS ARE LIKELY TO SURVIVE! UNLIKE THIS TOWN WHICH IS GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH! IN FACT-
Luz: Iana, please calm down-
ChimerIana: WHY SHOULD I?! I’M GOING TO FEED HIM TO MY ZOMBIES FEET FIRST, AND JUST PAUSE LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO TEAR OUT HIS HEART AND FORM WITH HIM LIVING LONG ENOUGH TO SEE ME EAT HICKWAAL’S ENTRAILS-
Luz: If you finish the spork, it’ll get to that point faster!
[Beat, Iana slowly shrinks back into her near-human form, but still with a manic, hateful look in her eye.]
Iana: If you are wrong, you will be disciplined.
Luz: [Shivers] Yikes! Just so you know, I don’t blame you for anything you’re going to do as someone under the Great Curse but…yeah, I get why you don’t think you’re empress material when you rage…
Leliel: Yeah… But I can’t blame her. This reminds me of the Guild from her setting…not a good thing.
Suspire: Aye…if the Realm is the great beast of Creation, merciless queen of the world jungle…the Guild are parasites and carrion feeders.
(Exalted: Across the Eight Directions art)
Iana: A bit of background…the Guild is effectively the largest trade consortium in Creation, being more or less present throughout anywhere that has a strong economic tie to the Realm, other Guild hubs, or international trade in general - even the Wyld itself is dotted with Guild stations. They were founded, supposedly, as the thing that mortals would control on their own - the Dragon-Blooded rule the Realm, Lunars direct many Threshold cultures, and gods lay claim to anything vaguely under their domain, so they say that trade belongs to mortals, and so the Guild is run by mortals. They actively resist Exalted becoming hierarchs in their capital of Nexus, shown above - or spirits of any kind, god or demon or ghost, for that matter.
Suspire: The whole ‘mortal power’ is a load of bilge if you ask us. Yes, the hierarchs on the Nexus Directorate are mortal - and I can count the number of hierarchs for the entire planet on me hands, because there is but nine of them. Nine. For a world with landmass twice as large as your Earth’s and an organization that be ubiquitous for all of it.
Wanderer2691: …meaningless, unrelated picture:
(https://horizon.fandom.com/wiki/Ted_Faro)
Luz: …why do I suddenly feel burning hate in my veins?
Leliel: You’re human. This is a normal reaction to Ted Faro, also known as That Fuckwit to all Horizon series fans.
Iana: Oooh, more targets! But anyway, the Guild is both holding corporation and culture - it’s decentralized by nature, with every nine-member Council in hub cities being independent and with the Directorate managing internal disputes between them and offering suggestions to expand their operations…and that is the end of their ethical constraints. The Guild wants to force every business and venture they can under their umbrella, and has been known to all-but-force people under their thumb to charge non-Guilders triple the amount for working with them. But the real reason I hate them so much is that they have specific divisions for selling both addictive drugs…and slaves.
Luz: …and let me guess. Naofumi just pulled the kind of shit they do when they’re aggressively pushing for market entry.
Suspire: Exactly. The real reason they have drugs in their holds is so they can addict the citizens of stubborn rivals and force them into business. Which is just the most simple form of the devil’s work they do - they will happily cause an issue and then make you pay them for the privilege of solving it. Or more to the point, force you to use their product because you had to pay all your reserves to them. Your home becomes little more than a consumptive organ of the Guild, and with an aristocracy that governs at their sufferance - a banana republic.
Iana: Or in this case, literally taking all the easily accessible food to force the sale of a novel species that might not thrive or even turn back into a Bio Plant. I retract my embarrassment over the Zombie Rice - I admitted to fault and wanting the issue to be over with the lazy but fun way (for me) and had to create a targeted blight to kill that damned cereal - and most importantly, I stayed to help rebuild. Given the amount of shortsighted raw greed here, he’s the kind of courtier I’d poison before his need for silver kills a province!
Wanderer2691: And that’s not even the worst part! The worst part is…well, as we mentioned, it seems like the only problem Motoyasu had when he planted that seed was that he wasn’t Naofumi! Let me explain:
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DesignatedHero)
Wanderer2691: So, I’ll get this out of the way because Iana already covered it - when it comes down to it, the reason Naofumi’s Practical Heroism Smart Business is better than Motoyasu’s Dumb-Dumb Reckless No-Goodness is that…basically, Naofumi had the ability to literally alter the seed. We’re not defending how the Spear Hero blatantly ignored the warning about the Bio Plant seed, but we are noting that in-universe Naofumi is called out for reckless toying with the seeds - but then he makes this thing and suddenly everything’s all hunky-dory! Please ignore how he grew another damn Bio Plant to experiment before he knew how to screw with stats, even if it wilted immediately.
Leliel: Which is a skill that, as noted, Motoyasu doesn’t have - given how he got it from the Bio Plant’s spawn with the Mandragora Shield, he couldn’t have. And, notably - Motoyasu didn’t charge them for the privilege of solving famine! Yeah, it’s said (by him) that Malty might have needled him into it, but the thing is, it’s still free of charge and neither he nor she expected a direct reward! You are literally coming off as more greedy than the Red Menace!
Luz: …and, here’s the thing. While I was fighting against Belos, I was kind of a rebel against the Emperor’s Coven. Man literally called his prison for people he found obnoxious to his ‘orderly’ rule the Conformatorium. But the Coven, especially Lilith before she finally found a clue and realized Belos was Bad News, occasionally did things that seemed good, like preserving order from rampaging demons and other monsters. Of course, it turned out Belos was the one who provoked a lot of said chaos - but I think I know what the show wants us to think Naofumi is. It wants us to see Naofumi as an honest dealer in self-interest who is willing to offer mutually beneficial deals to the meek to build the both of them up. In other words, and to use a simile, it wants us to see him as Varrick from The Legend of Korra here:
Except, here’s the thing - Varrick’s greed and profiteering is confined to his business - when he’s encountered ‘off the clock’, he’s a perfectly nice guy, and when he realized he was working on weapons of mass destruction - he stopped. Naofumi? Naofumi’s a sour carajito whose primary hobbies include grousing about Malty and stewing in self-pity. And oh yeah, he was actively avoiding trying to help until someone paid him. I think Varrick would at least try to contact new adventurers and raise awareness of the issues if he couldn’t see a way to profit, and the moment he did - well, he’d probably be the first to suggest deals on how to make the Bio Plant a gold mine for the village, with him patenting it of course. More importantly - VARRICK IS AN ANTAGONIST AND CAN NEVER BE SAID TO BE ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL HE GROWS A CONSCIENCE!
Suspire: [Jumps back, bemused] The lass is passionate about this, ain’t she? No worries, she drives a hard point here. I sense there be more to Varrick than greed and a feeling of forced obligation that he rants over because ‘waaah, I didn’t want to face problems on my journey’. And yes, I be staring at the Shield Hero.
Wanderer2691: And that’s the core - yes, Naofumi managed to make a plant…but there’s no actual difficulty in it. He just had the skill plopped on him and took advantage of it, unlike Motoyasu, who for all his apparent illiteracy literally could not have stopped the Bio Plant from maturing into a rampaging tree. But the moment Naofumi does the same exact recklessness, suddenly it’s okay and didn’t hurt anything, tra la laaa! The new Bio Plant he grew died immediately, so it’s all good. And then we’re invited to marvel at how smart he is for forcing the very same original crisis to be something the village was forced to also pay for! Using the actual food they had! That’s not being a hero, that’s a protection racket for starvation!
Iana: For…all of that, plus how the core is that when Naofumi does it, it’s entirely without any form of complication or consequence? Even if it’s a complete accident? Fifty points. Once again, this is key to the entire plot of the franchise, because how dare anyone who might have been mean to Naofumi at some point do a good thing? Especially when he could show them up? Truly, how insightful, I can’t at all see how this kind of ‘misunderstood genius, everyone is out to get me’ mindset might result in you thinking that the world is run by lizardfolk, because that’s the only way anyone could dislike you!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 292
And twenty to the other, because it takes a special kind of asshole to steal emergency food supplies in favor of an untested magic plant that isn’t even fully grown into its own as a crop yet!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 403
Leliel: And…you know what the real hilarious shit in this episode is? The thing that turns this from merely laughably bad to an outright hilarious atrocity? Well, this is the immediate aftermath!
{HICKWAAL} I'll be happy to take as many as you can give me, including all the produce.
{NAOFUMI} So, can we say we have a deal?
Suspire: And the next Wave of Calamity met no resistance, as the Plant Modification skill had worn off and all of Melromarc had already been eaten by Bio Plants. The end.
{HICKWAAL} My compliments on how you showed off several attractive products to create an advantage. You are a shining example of the trader's spirit!
Sporkers: [Disgusted wanking motions]
[NAOFUMI] You don't say?
{HICKWAAL} Oh, yes. And if you aren't busy at the moment, can you assist me with a little job I have?
[NAOFUMI] Hm?
{HICKWAAL} I need you to deliver some goods to an inn there.
[Long pause]
Wanderer2691: Are you telling us…
Iana: That all of that…
Suspire: Be a lead-in…
Luz: …to a hot springs episode?
Leliel: Yep. We have had three fucking episodes with Filo, and seven with Allegedly Adult Raphtalia…not even at the halfway point yet…and we’re dedicating a good half of this episode to stopping the plot for that least common denominator of fanservice, the hot spring, with nude harem members galore - please ignore how you observing this harem in the spring IRL would end with you on several watchlists.
[Longer pause]
Wanderer2691: Hit the count…
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 4
Leliel: I admit up front, I’m not going to be showing a lot of the hot springs. Both because I don’t think I need to try the rules even more than I have by necessity, and also because this entire scene makes me uncomfortable. Remember, one is ten, and the other isn’t even a few months old. And given what comes up…hoo boy.
{NAOFUMI} Hot spring, huh? How about you, Raphtalia?
{RAPHTALIA} [gasps, {then looks away and wags her tail}] Well, I'm not really that interested actually. But if you and Filo want to go, I'll be happy to accompany you.
Suspire: …we see what you’re planning, and trust us, lass - you can do better. In an actual decade, when you are actually age of majority.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 360
{NAOFUMI} Well that settles it. We're spending the night here.
{RAPHTALIA} [gasps] Thanks, Master Naofumi--
--[FILO] Master!
Luz: YOU. SHOULD NOT. BE. CARING. SAVE. YOURSELF.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 361
Wanderer2691: And now, we start getting nude shots of Raphtalia’s upper half that show..pretty much everything except her actual nipples, along with a nude Filo, so you’re going to have to do theater of mind…or better yet, don’t.
[RAPHTALIA] I'm happy we're staying in a hot springs inn, except that Filo is being way too clingy with Master Naofumi. I want to be clingy with him, also!
Iana: Behold, what my illustrious brother-in-law thought his wife was doing when he was bedding other women before I helped depose him. Except Ravatri is actually of age, so if I thought Naofumi was doing this, I wouldn’t have been so merciful it ended with disgraced exile out of safe guard against assassins. It probably still will be death, but I want to make that very clear.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 362
Leliel: Uuuugh…summarizing to protect my own sanity, basically Raphtalia finds that the hot springs have a plaque that say that they convey “success in love”, which sends her off on a bit of fantasizing-
[RAPHTALIA] No! Master Naofumi! We can't k-k-kiss! I'll end up being pregnant!
Suspire: …she still thinks that’s how it works? Oh yes, methinks she is entirely capable of informed consent, and that she is thinking this through given how she clearly incorporates possible children into her fantasy. Truly. Where’s the ginger when you need the blasted stuff!?
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 363
Wanderer2691: But, Filo turns out to be in Naofumi’s spring, and swimming around, leading to much jealousy from Raphtalia-
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 364
And mercifully, the hot springs scene ends. We cut to later that night when Raphtalia brings up a pair of drinks to share with Naofumi - and we can see the implications from a mile away -
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 365
However, when she’s up there…
Luz: It’s made clear this is because Filo’s the apparent child, and he used to brush Raphtalia’s…but given Raphtalia’s angry reaction and petty refusal to share any drink with Filo (she uncorks and swigs it), all that means is that this is a two-for-one special of Do Not Want.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 366
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 328 (Ah yes, look how good a parent Naofumi is what with treating his surrogate daughters that you almost forget the fucking shock collar tattooed on them?)
Leliel: Later that night…
Iana: After a few seconds of this, she realized what she was thinking, and promptly went back to bed, relieved he was Filo’s burden now. The end.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 367
[RAPHTALIA] Mom always used to say that giving a gift was the best way to get your beloved's attention. She fell in love with Dad after he gave her a gift, too.
Suspire: Somewhere in the afterlife, her mother’s hackles raise, and she realizes she forgot to tell her daughter that generally be the part after dating, fond meetings, probable enthusiastic consent, equality of power…
Luz: …aren’t you married to a princess and effective chancellor of a kingdom?
Suspire: We also both be demigods and I be capable of raising navvies of the dead with a few days prep. I think that be an exception that proves the rule.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 368
Wanderer2691: And promptly get stared at because he has no idea what that is. Or me. What the hell is-
Leliel: FLASHBACK TIIIIIME!
[GUEST A] Oh, you mean that rare crystal found in this area? Everyone says that if you make a love charm out of it, it works amazingly well.
Iana: For the record - trying to use love-affectors of any kind is something that seems alarmingly like date rape to me. As well as the kind of thing a slaver should not have.
Luz: …that honestly strikes me as a bit more thought than she’s giving it, but honestly, true enough, and even at its most innocent - HE. IS. YOUR. OWNER. AND. TEN. YEARS. OLDER.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 369 (An inauspicious number…)
[RAPHTALIA] A bird called a gagocco collects it, so if I find one of their nests, I'll find some latium! I'll be able to give it as a gift to Master Naofumi, and then... [gasps {in incipient fantasy}]
Wanderer2691: Thankfully, Raphtalia’s vocal proof-she-can’t-give-informed-consent-slash-possible-pregnancy-kink is cut short. Unfortunately, the person who cuts it short is Filo, who…starts on a scene Lels has been dreading.
Leliel: [Silent grimace]
[RAPHTALIA] Huh?
[FILO] Sure! The old man at the inn told me that the eggs of a bird called a gagocco are a rare delicacy.
[RAPHTALIA] Oh, I see, she's just being a glutton like always. She's such a child.
Luz: First shoe…
{FILO} If I take a rare delicacy to Master, I know he'll like me more and more.
[Dead silence]
Wanderer2691: Hell of a shoe.
Luz: [Silent horror]
Suspire: …would…would Leliel like some space? This kind of provocation results in the Great Curse being bent towards solitude…for good reason.
Leliel: [Long sip of soda] No. No, I’m okay. Just…going to show the next bit…to make it clear…
{RAPHTALIA} Become your mate?! Mating means marriage! Is Filo thinking that far ahead?
[FILO] So no eggs for you! Bye!
Leliel: And then she takes off, clearly wanting to stake her claim before her “sister” Raphtalia. With the implication is that because she is a bird, she doesn’t really process much beyond ‘wants a mate’ and is following instinct. To which, I, as a hobbyist ornithologist, have but one, minor, itsty-bitsy, totally missable, completely subjective issue with…
THAT IS FUCKING NOT HOW BIRDS OR ANYTHING ELSE WORKS YOU FUCKING PARENTAL INCEST FETISHIST DUMBASS FUCKWIT ASSHOLES! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE-SIZED BODY PILLOW YOU FUCKED IN ON! FUCK OFF!
Iana: [Shocked out of Great Curse] …well, I think several avian spirit-shaped Lunars in Creation have heard that now, but the journey across universes is hard, so…mind doing their job before they poke their heads in to wonder what caused that shriek?
Leliel: [Gulps water] Okay. From the top!
(https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/590182-let-me-tell-you-why-thats-bullshit)
Leliel: So from the last part, remember how I said that birds who imprint on humans generally see other humans as members of their own species? To the point where that’s a problem for their safety? Well, here’s another bird factoid - as they get older, birds generally seek to migrate away from their parents. It’s particularly noted in altricial, or born-helpless, species - because in precocial species like ducks or chickens, where the young are born able to see and walk, they need to know how to follow mom fast. An owl or crow, who mostly chills in the nest? Yeah, by the time they move on, they can fend for themselves.
Wanderer2691: As evidenced by how ducks and chickens, uh, form new flocks however, that is not the end of the story. In fact, there’s evidence that wild turkeys, if raised by humans, will attack their surrogate parent if they’re too old because they see someone who’s trying to force them to stay in the nest for some reason or a competitor for territory. Because, Westermark effect aside, that’s kind of a big fucking deal for birds - when most of your class flies, territory is pretty much the only geography you care about on a daily basis. Even domestic birds get a little awkward around parents who raise them in their house.
Leliel: So, if Filo is the kind of character defined by her avian instincts, as implied by the term ‘mating’, food obsession, and other actions she does like desire to pull carts and dominance displays with dragons (admittedly, those are filolial things, but again, bird)…by all rights, she should be prone to wanderlust, not blind devotion. She certainly wouldn’t consider Naofumi, the person she imprinted on, a potential mate, especially given her sapience and ability to understand inbreeding=bad. Because according to the rules of this setting, she was already an adult as a plain filolial able to be ridden on. Or is the fact that Raphtalia is Totes Legal due to her level as a semi-monster suddenly just details?
Wanderer2691: And what’s more…the “but she’s a bird, so she doesn’t get it!” excuse isn’t just an obvious dodge of her infancy-level age and sexual appeal, it’s boring. Because genuinely inhuman characters with alien traits…are interesting! Case in point, let’s assume Filo’s instincts are most analogous to the domestic bird she most resembles, and is called by when they call her “heavenly fowl” - the humble chicken.
(https://www.getstronganimals.com/post/understanding-the-pecking-order-in-chickens)
Leliel: Now, the defining social behavior in chickens is the pecking order - groups of hens (and groups of roosters, but they tend to peel off and join a group of unclaimed hens at the earliest available opportunity) form a strict ladder of command. Toughest and biggest hen is in charge and defends the flock, so she eats and finds a place to roost first. Middle hens wait their turn, and the bottom hen mostly tries to avoid getting bullied while being dead last in both eating and roosting. If there’s a rooster, he tends to be higher-ranking than the top hen, because he’s bigger and more bold than hens as a general rule, but the pecking order still exists.
Wanderer2691: Now, keep in mind…Filo’s human form is half Raphtalia’s size.
(https://www.cbr.com/raphtalia-best-things-rising-of-the-shield-hero/)
Let’s, for a moment, assume that in some alternate universe, both Filo and Raphtalia are actually adults, and came into Naofumi’s orbit on their own. No slavery. But they both got a crush on him in far, far less creepy ways. If Filo thought like a chicken…the idea that she has to compete for Naofumi’s affections literally would not occur to her, because Raphtalia’s the better fighter and bigger besides. She can defend the “flock” a lot more easily, so she’s the top hen, and gets dibs - at most, she might try to introduce the concept of polyamory, if the show was honest with itself. By contrast, in bird mode, she’s bigger than Naofumi, so to her, clearly the Shield Hero needs to be toughened up to do his job of protection - and she would be bossy as fuck. To say nothing of bathing by rolling around in the dirt and constantly looking for treasure and food, both chicken behavior. To say nothing of what the wiki says what she looks like, and we go a bit more predatory:
(https://www.owlresearchinstitute.org/owls)
Leliel: The first thing is that any owl able to be domesticated, or live with humans at all, is going to be the kind that can form parliaments (the term for a flock of owls) - which means the kinds of owl she most likely is supposed to resemble, the Eurasian Eagle-Owl and the Japanese Scops Owl, are right out, those are solitary owls and mostly see other owls as competition until mates, certainly don’t get much in the way of communication between themselves. Even parliament-forming owls are pretty loose when it comes to intra-strigiformes relations, mostly related to warmth by bunching up, watching for mobbing songbirds or predators of owls, and sharing hunting grounds they don’t mind others in. That version of Filo would be…well, a loner. And probably rather hilarious if the loli character acted like Shadow the Hedgehog with being all closed-off and it’s-not-like-I-worry-about-you. And, y’know, nocturnal.
Wanderer2691: But no, we get this…idealized child who openly wants to mate her adoptive father. And then hides behind this half-assed but-she’s-a-bird-monster excuse, same with her being a fucking speed-grown infant.
Iana: …and for those of you who say it’s too hard…I’m aware Creation is a tabletop game in your world, no? People like to play-act as the Exalted. I’d like to ask…if playing something human was so impossible, what of the rules for Dragon Kings?
(https://whitewolf.fandom.com/wiki/Scroll_of_Fallen_Races)
Luz: … Dino demons. All my yes.
Suspire: Don’t let them hear ye say that, lass…as a chosen race of the Unconquered Sun, they not be the sort to enjoy the comparison to the children of the Yozis.
Iana: Potential for accidental offense aside - Dragon Kings are a perfect example of why Creation-born have a fairly wide definition of human…because they’re a baseline for how different you have to be before being considered a prehuman people. They are, as you can see, humanoid dinosaurs, but its their souls that truly make them other. As Thuuli - who I should specify is the Exigent of Prehuman Rebirth, thanks to one of the gods of the city of Tzakul and its post-organic natives, the relicts - puts it, the Dragon Kings are gifted and cursed with the power of true reincarnation. A fully awakened Dragon King isn’t just a highly intelligent lizard with metamorphic abilities - she’s got a full memory of all her ancestors, so she knows exactly how to use her people’s technology and how to fight like them, adding her own innovations to the pool of genetic knowledge.
Luz: …there’s a huge but here, isn’t there?
Iana: But, the issue is - without her memories, she’s bordering on mindless. Dragon King brains aren’t like humans; they don’t fully grow until they have a dose of ancestral memories, and those aren’t inherently tapped. A Dragon King can go her whole life, even have offspring, while having a sort of proto-sapience one associates with chimpanzees and gorillas than humans - it was quite a shock to Althea when she realized the Jungle Stalkers she hunted when they made off with cattle were actually feral Raptok children rather than mutant forest lizards made by the Fair Folk on a whim. They had no awakened adults to guide them to sapience, so they remained nothing but pests and victims of innocent filicide by humans who didn’t know any better.
Luz: …well. That’s depressing. I’m going to guess by the title of Scroll of the Fallen Races they used to be a lot luckier?
Suspire: Behold one of the great sins of the Primordials - when the Dragon Kings sided with the Unconquered Sun and humans who they regarded as friends and eager apprentices, the titans unleashed a great genocide against them - leaving enough alive to know how much of their infrastructure for awakening their young was lost, so they could see their people slowly die. The First Age Deliberative tried to help, but the one-two broadside of the Great Contagion and the Balorian Crusade finished off the apocalypse. There’s plenty pre-sapient left, some of whom are prodigies that awaken on their own and some First Agers who saw it coming and put themselves in stasis to guide the young - but their empire ain’t ever coming back. Even if Thuuli does the job he was brought on to account for and helps rebuild all the prehumans that sided with the gods, all the old Dragon King places have humans living in them now, and the human kingdoms are too big and stable. So they have to live with being second fiddle to their old apprentices.
Iana: But to swing the rudder back around - crap, now I’m doing it - the simple fact that Dragon Kings have perfect reincarnation affects everything about them. They used to have human sacrifices, because they liked us so much - to the Dragon King mindset, humans regrow our intelligence before we’re even fully grown, so killing an unrepentant criminal or volunteer and fueling the Essence lost by their life to the gods was both giving the gods a massive boost and giving the criminals a chance to try again in better circumstances. An issue with exploring their ruins is that they regularly ensured total security by hiding passwords and answers to impossible puzzles in their own memories, knowing their future selves would come back, and there was no special protection against getting killed by higher levels of security - that was more of a ‘come back in a couple decades’ situation at worst. To say nothing of their flesh-shaping; every Dragon King has the ability to change her form to match her particular Charms, the supernatural abilities of Creation, and then use the adaptations for other purposes. A lot of Dragon King ruins look more primitive than they actually are simply because it was assumed that the people who worked there had the basic tools and equipment growing out of them. And that’s before you get into their art and cultural memes that have nothing to do with biology…
Leliel: Quick side note: a bit of this comes from the Exalted spoilers for the Essence Companion, if you’re confused as to why that’s not on the wiki. But to go back to kayfabe…having a truly inhuman character is your excuse to go wild. Embrace the alien! Show how they think and what they don’t understand about humans! Really get into that perspective! And above all else…
Wanderer2691: DON’T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHY IT’S OKAY TO HAVE PARENTAL INCEST, AND THEN STOP THERE! And for forcing that to be a sentence…fifty points to both relevant categories, because once again, Filo is at least partly a member of the core harem. This is the reason given, and on every level, it is really fucking rank.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 419
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 286
Suspire: Ugh…can we move on before we need to cut out a part 3?
Leliel: Let’s! So she starts off on this sudden race and-
-why is she in human form? It’s explicit her filolial form is way faster so why is she giving her ‘rival’ a chance using a form she doesn’t really use to run anyway-argh, moving on with a point before I rant!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 287
Iana: It turns out the Horror is pretty fast even on mammal legs, so Raphtalia’s quickly winded trying to catch up. Filo can’t resist the urge to taunt, so-
{RAPHTALIA} [gasps] Filo, watch out!
Luz: You know, while I despise what these two represent, I really like this! It shows that it isn’t personal hate and they do at least get along enough to…help…wait, why isn’t Filo in her bird form? We’ve seen she’s pretty acrobatic and can do a good landing in that form - and actually, she’s also a Wind user, right? So she can slow her fall or save Raphtalia reflexively…
Wanderer2691: Because we wouldn’t have this scene - at least, not according to the writers, as in reality, Filo landing where she does in big bird mode or not doesn’t really affect much. It’s yet another oversight that would be missable otherwise…but given the laziness demonstrated everywhere else...
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 288
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 293
Iana: Anyway, they fall over, but the fall is cushioned by a worse situation…
Suspire: Well, it’s not all bad. Dinner!
Iana: …you do realize that Raphtalia and Filo aren’t empowered by death itself and that is a tough monster, right? …how would you even prepare giant monster boar meat?
Suspire: After spending a good few weeks on a ship sans several Exalted fishing together, ‘enormous hostile pig’ looks a great deal like ‘solving the ration budget for ham in the next few weeks.’ Same with sharks. Or river dragons, though those aren’t in the sea. Yet.
Leliel: The Hungry Vampire Sailor aside, the two quickly vamoose up the mountain from the Silver Razor Back here, and come to a wide gap on the path up, which causes-
Luz: …what stopped you from shifting before, then!? Oh wait, we wouldn’t have you doing the most shallow and obvious possible bonding with Raphtalia!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 289 (Because there’s no reason she couldn’t have done that already for speed away from the giant angry oinker.)
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 295
Wanderer2691: Anyway, gap jumped, Silver Razor Back trapped on other side of gap, relationship semi-mended, the both of them manage to get up to the gagocco and its nest, probably realizing they’re after separate gifts offscreen.
Leliel: There’s probably a pun here, like how the vengeful swarming chickens of Legend of Zelda are called Cuccos after how you spell clucking onomatopoeia in Japanese, but I don’t care enough to research, more marveling at that enormous wattle. Er, I think it’s a wattle. Could be a bib. It could be a very breast hygiene-conscious bird.
Iana: Raphtalia goes first to get the latium, but the gagocco notices and…
Suspire: Squawks. And keeps squawking. Even as Raphtalia is down on the ground asking it politely to let go of the gem, and, for a good twenty seconds. There is no mate, it just kind of sounds the alarm and - how’d you get here?!
Iana: Did…did that thing follow the girls all the way up here? Over the gap? And whatever other rough terrain is on the mountain? … is Leliel ticking?
Leliel: [Growls in offended biologist] …okay. Controlled detonation, keep this short, and-
(Undertale Yellow wiki, Martlet’s character page - not linked to avoid spoiling the fan game)
STILL NOT HOW FUCKING BIRDS WORK. OR BOARS. If the gagocco is nesting like that, it’s likely broody - which is to say, in full “never move from incubating egg” mode. You know what birds who get broody, like these chickens, do when you get close to eggs? They bite.
Luz: And that’s a domesticated bird. That giant wild bird should be trying to eat Raphtalia’s face! And, speaking as the daughter of a vet here - I don’t think it’d be specifically latium that gagoccos gather if there wasn’t a specific purpose they need for their nests. I think that big-wattled fella is just as angry about the gem!
Iana: Not that it seems to get it, mostly just kind of…making noise. Which…[eyes narrow] Is the implication that the gagocco drew that Silver Razor Back?
Wanderer2691: Uh, it’d kind of have to climb the mountain first…after the intruders that already left its den and territory. Man-eating carnivores are persistent because they realize humans are abundant and relatively easy to take down, but in case you haven’t noticed, pigs aren’t carnivores!
(https://americanminipigassociation.com/mini-pig-education/mini-pig-nutrition/)
Suspire: Take it from a predator of ships - if there’s easier feed for the loot hold, take the easier. And yes, that includes not finding a new chase at all and hauling cargo or smuggling, the grazing of the naval world. Boars be able to eat most plants, so unless it’s relatively fresh carrion, it’s plants for them - this boar should be long gone, monster or not.
Leliel: And if the gagocco wasting its time on screeching is what drew that boar…well, there’s a reason most aggressive hisses are relatively quiet noises that don't draw attention:
Wanderer2691: Behold, natural selection in action. Now that the eggs of this stupid living foghorn are smashed and it’s likely a stain somewhere, its ‘shriek like a moron and do nothing to help yourself’ behavioral genes have been removed from the local population. Hopefully the pressures on gagocco species will one day cure them of the compulsive need to push big shiny red buttons, too.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 291 (One for the broody noisy dumbass, one for the weirdly obsessive boar - pigs can be berserkers when charging, but if you leave, they stop. And the real berserkers are more often sows with piglets, anyway.)
Luz: So, the eggs are smashed and the latium is sent majestically sailing through the air to parts unknown, so the girls turn their frustrations on the Silver Razor Back in an epic beatdown…that we don’t see, we just hear the surprised and hurt squeal from a distance. Remember, when saving on animation, it’s best to cut the girls’ scenes to avoid upsetting your insecure male target demographic with cool independent women!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 296
Suspire: Unable to find any other gagocco nests, the girls return home, carrying with them the dead or unconscious boar with them on Filo’s bird form in the hope it’s a good enough substitute for Naofumi, so-
-oh what fresh bilge is this.
Leliel: …of-fucking-course. They get the A-rank quest target that is a massive payoff. Why not. [Pinches nose]
Iana: In all fairness, there is a picture of a hunter with a boar in the hot spring, and the iconography is repeated with the statue…but it’s a mighty great coincidence that the girls just happened across the sacred prey of this town. If I was the one with that pig, I would be running down a list of names and contact rituals of the local gods of fortune, because clearly, the Bureau of Destiny of the Celestial Bureaucracy is buttering me up for a favor, might as well show the No Moon is listening and open to negotiations.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 297
Wanderer2691: Uuuugh…the girls get Naofumi an expensive crafting hammer with boar money, they get headpats in thanks - yeah, nice gesture, still slavery -
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 329
And we get this line from Raphtalia.
[RAPHTALIA] He still treats me like a child sometimes, but one day, I'll make sure he notices my womanly charms, and then we'll see!
Luz: YOU. CAN. DO-oh I don’t caaaare, raise the score and end it already!
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 420
Leliel: And it does! We cut to credits…with no aftereffects apart from some crafting later that was already established Naofumi knows now last episode, and the girls solving their rivalry in what could have been a single scene of them talking honestly. Which makes this second half…
(https://www.amazon.com/-/he/RMH-Wieringa/dp/B0D8VTLHT3)
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 5
Wanderer2691: …and because the show hates us, one last post-credits scene!
Sporkers: [All scream in frustration and despair]
{GUY A} An epidemic to the east, you say?
{GUY B} That's right. Apparently they don't have enough medicine for everyone who's sick.
{RAPHTALIA} Master Naofumi, where are we heading to now?
{NAOFUMI} We're going east.
Iana: Please tell me I can reanimate that dragon. I want something to show for my suffering…
Suspire: …I’ll do ye one better, my beloved. Oi! I’m calling in that favor!
Wanderer2691: Already? Dude, that wasn’t long, we just met you!
Suspire: I know, and I just reunited with me bonny lioness. So to get back up to speed and to give her a chance to decompress - I ask that you give all your sporkers an entry off from ye next two episodes!
Luz: [Brightens] I like this favor!
Leliel: Seriously? But, guys, we need someone else to soak the…Wanderer, what’s with the 3DS?
Wanderer2691: [Looks up from Demon Summoning Program] Kinda guessed that they would probably want a break after…all this shit, so I have some seconds in mind.
Leliel: Fair enough! You all get your vacations, and join Wanderer, me, and Whoever next time as the Three Heroes hate really starts to become unavoidable…as is the show’s utter creepiness. Wish us luck!
[NAOFUMI grunts]
{HIKWAAL} You're the only one I can ask. You have the Heavenly Fowl.
Leliel: And here is an example of actually good foreshadowing, as we knew Motoyasu was dropping off that aforementioned seed there, and…well…
Iana: …this reminds me of the first time I tried to use necromancy to enchant a crop of rice to be able to feed on water leaking through from the Underworld as much as more earthly moisture. NEVER AGAIN.
Wanderer2691: …How does a cereal end up - nevermind! If you were paying attention, this actually ends up having a mystery solved early…the solution is so mangled and is so clearly meant to defame every Hero not Naofumi, but still!
Luz: So, beyond the walls, there’s an impromptu refugee camp from the super-ivy encroaching everywhere, where it’s discovered there’s a problem with burning them - some sprout into monsters and defend the growth, which expands faster than it can be burned.
Suspire: The parallels grow, but to be fair, those monsters be hungry ghosts possessing the grains and becoming angry trees- [Iana puts her hand over his mouth]
Leliel: They do have edible fruit, though, which Filo discovered just before she’s asked to retrieve some adventurers in over their heads:
Wanderer2691: This is also good foreshadowing for a bad twist - but in case you were afraid we actually would see some monsters, never fear, she’s back in like, literally three seconds.
[FILO] There were plant monsters all over the place. Some of them even spat poison or acid or something at me.
Iana: This is, of course, an extremely epic battle that would have been one for the ages and good diegetic exploration of the capabilities of the vine monsters, but, this show has Priorities, and so it must be relegating to Filo complaining.
Leliel: [Grumbling] You have no idea…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 238
Suspire: We skipped over that part of the script, but the adventurers earnestly thought the monsters were not that tough when sent - and the shifting bird lass knows that. She is being an arrogant scurvy dog for no reason.
Wanderer2691: Oh, there is a reason…
[RAPHTALIA] You really didn't have to say that last part.
{FILO} Huh?
[RAPHTALIA] Come on, don't "huh" me.
Suspire: Oh right - the slave harem fighting for the attention of the most fetching blaggard in the world, according to this screed. [Facepalm] If I can’t have rum, may I have a request for the end of this chapter?
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 353
Leliel: Granted. So, the villagers realize that Filo’s talking and realizes she’s the [urp] Heavenly Fowl, which naturally causes the villages to start praising and pleading Naofumi for help even though he ‘doesn’t appreciate it’ - sure Jan, as well as how you aren’t the Shield Devil to anyone here…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 239
Luz: It does get them to show him another trait of the vines…parasitism:
Iana: Okay, now this is something that didn’t happen with that rice. Directly. Hungry ghosts like blood, and unlike higher ghosts, they don’t typically have the presence of mind to even realize they can ask, let alone should.
Luz: To his credit, Naofumi uses his Potion Enhance skill to make the herbicide an effective anti-parasitic plant treatment, free of charge. To his shame, as he walks away, he says this.
{Naofumi} This isn't our mess to clean up.
Leliel: …he says walking away from a tent where people are being eaten alive by vines. I don’t think you get to dodge responsibility with that kind of body horror shit, you greedy slacknote!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 380
The village chief and his aides are faster on the draw though, so they catch up and beg the Savior of the Heavenly Fowl before he vamooses.
Wanderer2691: …and this is the really stupid payoff to good foreshadowing.
[CHIEF A] Our village was being ravaged by famine until, one day, the Spear Hero visited.
Suspire: …oh, hey, another parallel!
Iana: Shutty. And, well, I actually did go back to check on how things were going, that’s how I realized I accidentally turned a crop blight into an invasive-species-and-floral-zombie issue. So I’m considering myself superior to them here.
[NAOFUMI groans]
[VILLAGE CHIEF A] When he heard of our plight, he went to some nearby ruins and brought back a seed that had been sealed there many years before.
Wanderer2691: By the way, remember that warning from last part? Yeah, this was the seed referred to by the alchemist…and the outlying warning of DO NOT USE THIS, IT WILL NOT WORK AS INTENDED was right there. Presumably, this is because Motoyasu and every member of his party is a low-functioning sociopath, or illiterate.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 73
Leliel: We actually get an explanation in the light novel, and…well, as shown on the wiki, it doesn’t exactly make Motoyasu as unlikable as the franchise really wants him to be.
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Alchemist%27s_Cave)
It’s just on him…but at the same time, it’s Malty who made things chaotic and the Voice Gengars - who we know have illusion and mental powers, that’s how they hide themselves and play Asshole Parrots, they read minds - didn’t help matters and made him really want to leave. And the thing is, if this is supposed to be a dark insight into who he truly is - we know from Naofumi the Gengars are liars, even if they really shouldn’t have been with “slavers suck!” speech, so it’s just as easily “Motoyasu is worried he might be going too far with flirting and is scared of becoming part of the slaver problem”. So it comes off as Motoyasu being dicked around by fate, and then being blamed for it. Again.
RED MENACE: 68
Luz: But, basically, the plant grew into a tree, the Bio Plant, which had plenty of fruit-bearing vines, but…
Yep. Things went loco muy rapido and now, we have exponential growth of hungry, parasitic, monster-spewing vines. As the village chief notes, it was during their research when looking up options that they discovered the existence of the alchemist, and…I’m going to quote this, because the next bit is important context..
[CHIEF A] While investigating our options, we hit upon an ancient legend passed down among our people. A long time ago, an alchemist who'd set up shop in this area created a seed, but for some reason, he sealed it away.
[AIDE B] The legend also said that {plants had overtaken the region for a while}.
Suspire: Now. Keep and mind these landlubbers explicitly note that they only rediscovered the legend after the Bio Plant sprouted and was making a nuisance of itself. Even in the dub, where it’s said “after only a short while, the plants would overgrow everything in the region”, implying it be the seed itself, but mayhaps not “ambulatory monsters”, just “too many vines.”
{NAOFUMI} Hang on just a second. Why didn't any of you have doubts about that seed when you already knew about the legend?
[ALL gasp]
[NAOFUMI] I get it. You convinced yourself it was safe because a hero brought it to you, right?
Iana: [Mouth slowly draws into a predatory, enraged smile] Why, yes Naofumi. When someone brings you a seed that they say will save the area from famine, and it does, that generally implies said someone is a hero who brought it to you. Especially if the legend of the Bio Plant was not known to the local village chief. And the issue wasn’t initially obvious. Well, I can say that we aren’t that alike, Zombie Rice issue or no, Shield Hero - when I was called out for my ‘brilliant’ solution to drought, I didn’t self-righteously bloviate about how it was them who asked me, I accepted their criticism and took it to heart. Yes, I caused the issue I fixed, but I didn’t rub it in that they thought what I did was safe.
Luz: And before you critique us for him being annoyed that he is needed to clean up another hero’s mess more than anything…this is what gets him to stop whining:
{CHIEF A} Anything! Just please save our village, I beg you!
[NAOFUMI] I don't like cleaning up after that moron Motoyasu, but I'll earn my keep.
Wanderer2691: Yeah. He literally forced them to cough up money before he pretended to care, and making it clear these villagers that he is doing them a big favor by dirtying his feet in their quaint home. After they’ve been forced to evacuate by body horror vines. Truly, the most saintly and compassionate hero since that most saintly of figures, Vito Corleone.
Leliel: Dude, don’t insult the Godfather like that. He had standards - probably would rustle up the money to pay for a Bio Plant extermination first, then talk about that debt they all owe the family after everyone is back in their actual homes. Naofumi’s at a sub-Sopranos level of blackmailing grifter.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 382 (One for blackmail, one for being a general whiny prick about it.)
Suspire: Argh, I wish I couldn’t say I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting similar sorts in certain harbormasters…but anyway, the chief and his aides finally notice the Legendary Shield, but by that point, Naofumi’s already off to the infested village.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 240
But, anyway, they scrap with the Bio Plant’s spawn on the way, easily defeating them.
Luz: Which is a pity - there are cool demons!
Iana: …okay, that was definitely not the kind of bodies the Zombie Rice made. Those were more very thin trees with oozing claws…and to this day, I don’t know why mutated grass plus hungry ghost possession equals moving humanoid trees. But, when these are handily finished…well, I must say that I do think the Bio Plant’s flower is the kind of thing that is a product of the Underworld’s Labyrinth…which is to say, something the Neverborn dreamed into being:
Luz: …that does not look comfortable. Are those anthuriums? Whatever, they’re wiggling, and it’s making me viscerally uncomfortable. And this is me we’re talking about.
Wanderer2691: Filo slashing the thing just causes the eyeball to regenerate, so Naofumi gets the idea of having Raphtalia and Filo work together to give its roots a dose of herbicide. However, on the first run, Raphtalia is captured and - oh come the fuck on.
Leliel: You know, this same exact gag was done in Sword Art Online, with a girl captured by the tentacle-vines of a plant monster desperately preventing an upskirt (of an actually young teenage loli character, BTW)…and yet, I think I prefer that one, as it wasn’t also giving us a T&A pose that emphasized her bust. And Kirito was actually politely looking away as opposed to being laughed at by Filo in this weird jealous baby-in-adult-body love triangle. Basically? Gross.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 358 (Five, because EWWWWWW….)
Suspire: More eye damage to the humans aside, Filo tells Raphtalia to try and blow the Bio Plant down with herbicide, but it starts regenerating from that too, though it does cause the root to partly dissolve. Then, Naofumi gets an idea and ah by sweet Mars’s tits he’s going to steal glory isn’t he?
Luz: …Mars, Roman God of War, has boobs?
Wanderer2691: In Exalted, Mars is one of the Five Maidens, but she’s still a goddess of strategy and conflict - but I digress, because why the fuck wouldn’t he, being a power fantasy and all?
And he isn’t even defending against the grasping vines all that much, despite being the Shield Hero! He just blows them up after they grab him! Bullshit!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 239
Leliel: But yeah, the skill-buffed potion does the trick, and the Bio Plant wilts, and falls apart. Phew, almost had an actual fight there, as opposed to a bunch of cakewalks that took up precious minutes of the runtime! I’d normally not use this point again so quickly, but I know the actual priorities for this episode, and screw it!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 240
Luz: Of course, the fallen trunk is laden with fruits and seedpods…
…which Naofumi realizes could be a problem. Of course, Raphtalia and Filo get into a competition over it like children - because, uh, they are - and the Shield develops a Bio Plant form from it, including a skill called Plant Modification.
Iana: [Ears shoot up] A skill called what? Don’t tell me…
Wanderer2691: We’re getting there… But, Naofumi decides to test it, grabbing some seeds, and…
Leliel: Yep! He grew an all-new Bio Plant to test! One that immediately wilted, but as Raphtalia points out, that was mostly after beating the last one by sheer damned luck he had the herbicide! Even if he knew it would be under control, as Raphtalia says, that’s not something you do without a convenient containment zone!
Iana: [Frowns] Uh…huh…okay, that’s a difference between us…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 383
But, he comes back, and is greeted by the villagers…
[CHIEF A] Thank you so much, Savior of the-- er, I mean, uh, Shield Hero!
Suspire: Well. Good to see there isn’t even any awkwardness that the devil figure just saved your town. Appreciation I get, but methinks there’d be at least one fanatic dog who would be screaming about being tricked rather than not look a gift horse in the mouth…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 241
Leliel: Naofumi tells the villagers they need to clean the vines - fair, he’s just there to get them dead enough to not kill the cleaners - and goes off to bed, testing both the Bio Plant Shield and the Mandrake (the plant tube with eyes) Shield. But, during the night, we get this exchange between Raphtalia and the chief…
Wanderer2691: This is the face of a man divided between lying to her about the truth and breaking her heart. No matter what the show says, Raphtalia’s affection is fucking creepy, and this village chief is one of the few people that Get It.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 359
Suspire: But in any case, Naofumi wakes up early in the morn and starts using Plant Modification, plus the know-whats that the Mandrake Shield’s Plant Analysis gives him to switch some stats, and plants the new seed…
(Out of sequence, better view)
{NAOFUMI} I curbed their breeding and mutation potential, then increased their growth and productivity. With this, they should bear lots of edible fruit without turning into monsters.
[CHIEF A] Ohh.
{NAOFUMI} Your village will never have to worry about famine again.
Luz: Aaand just like that, all issues are undone! Man, isn’t it so nice to have Naofumi instead of Motoyasu? …because he does the same exact thing with more resources to cheat out of issues?!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 242 (Rant later about this in this entry, right now we have a worse issue to eviscerate.)
Iana: [Stares, then slaps her forehead] Luna above, I wish I could have met Thuuli before the whole Zombie Rice incident, we could have saved my dignity and split the credit if he did something similar-
[CHIEF A] Thank you so much, Sir Hero! Not only did you save us from danger, you've given us the most wonderful gift we could imagine!
{NAOFUMI} Who said anything about giving it?
Iana: -excuse me what.
[OTHERS] Huh?
[NAOFUMI] I'll tell you what. Let's cut a deal. I'll sell you these seeds, for the right price.
[RAPHTALIA] Aren't you being a little greedy, Master Naofumi?
Iana: Little? These people literally came out of a famine and their village being overtaken by a plant monster, plus-
{VILLAGE CHIEF A} But--but we paid you everything we had for the treatment and extermination. There's no more money left!
Iana: Exactly! Not only do they not have money left, they are unstable and need to rebuild post-remodeling so that they can return to productivity after the one-two punch of famine and infestation, at most you’d be able to ask for an investment weighted to your benefit-
Iana: ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS YOU REJECT OF THE GUILD FOR ETHICAL REASONS-
{VILLAGE CHIEF A} I have no idea what that could be. We have nothing... {[notices Filo eating the Bio Plant vine fruits]} Hm?
Iana: …he didn’t. The fruits that the Bio Plant grew…?
Leliel: He did.
Iana: Uh…huh. Hm. [Steeples fingers as anima and Caste mark flare.] Interesting…
Suspire: …ah, shiver me timbers, I think the Great Curse is acting up… [Scoots away from imminent explosion]
Iana: Let me outline the scenario. You, Naofumi, came across a struggling town. This township, which had suffered a bad harvest, stumbled on an apparent solution which everyone, including the offerer of the solution, thought would be a permanent one. It backfired when the solution proceeded to sprout into the queen of a hive of plants, resulting in massive property damage at least. You, when faced with this, proceed to emotionally blackmail them into paying you with their remaining stores, which are, presumably, what they’d need to buy food and housing after the crisis is over. Then, once you do the job they paid you for, you play gardener with the monster plant because, create a derivation that you don’t know how long it will last because you just fucking learned that skill while not fixing their houses AND THEN YOU MAKE THEM PAY WITH THEIR REMAINING FOOD STORES AND THE ONE THING LEFT THEY HAVE?!
[Shapeshifts, cracking chains]
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/SlayThePrincessThePrincess)
ChimerIana: WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!? I’VE MET LITERAL SLAVERS WHO WERE LESS GREEDY AND CALLOUS! OH, WAIT, YOU’RE THAT TOO, OOPS-FUCK! NO WONDER THEY CALL YOU THE SHIELD DEVIL, YOU RETROACTIVELY RUINED THE WEAPON’S REP BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO BUSY MOUNTING YOUR OWN MONEY! I’D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO HOUSE RAGARA, GIVEN HOW THEY AT LEAST DO A SERVICE THEY ADVERTISE INSTEAD OF SET UP BANANA REPUBLICS! NO WAIT, AT LEAST THE REPUBLICS ARE LIKELY TO SURVIVE! UNLIKE THIS TOWN WHICH IS GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH! IN FACT-
Luz: Iana, please calm down-
ChimerIana: WHY SHOULD I?! I’M GOING TO FEED HIM TO MY ZOMBIES FEET FIRST, AND JUST PAUSE LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO TEAR OUT HIS HEART AND FORM WITH HIM LIVING LONG ENOUGH TO SEE ME EAT HICKWAAL’S ENTRAILS-
Luz: If you finish the spork, it’ll get to that point faster!
[Beat, Iana slowly shrinks back into her near-human form, but still with a manic, hateful look in her eye.]
Iana: If you are wrong, you will be disciplined.
Luz: [Shivers] Yikes! Just so you know, I don’t blame you for anything you’re going to do as someone under the Great Curse but…yeah, I get why you don’t think you’re empress material when you rage…
Leliel: Yeah… But I can’t blame her. This reminds me of the Guild from her setting…not a good thing.
Suspire: Aye…if the Realm is the great beast of Creation, merciless queen of the world jungle…the Guild are parasites and carrion feeders.
(Exalted: Across the Eight Directions art)
Iana: A bit of background…the Guild is effectively the largest trade consortium in Creation, being more or less present throughout anywhere that has a strong economic tie to the Realm, other Guild hubs, or international trade in general - even the Wyld itself is dotted with Guild stations. They were founded, supposedly, as the thing that mortals would control on their own - the Dragon-Blooded rule the Realm, Lunars direct many Threshold cultures, and gods lay claim to anything vaguely under their domain, so they say that trade belongs to mortals, and so the Guild is run by mortals. They actively resist Exalted becoming hierarchs in their capital of Nexus, shown above - or spirits of any kind, god or demon or ghost, for that matter.
Suspire: The whole ‘mortal power’ is a load of bilge if you ask us. Yes, the hierarchs on the Nexus Directorate are mortal - and I can count the number of hierarchs for the entire planet on me hands, because there is but nine of them. Nine. For a world with landmass twice as large as your Earth’s and an organization that be ubiquitous for all of it.
Wanderer2691: …meaningless, unrelated picture:
(https://horizon.fandom.com/wiki/Ted_Faro)
Luz: …why do I suddenly feel burning hate in my veins?
Leliel: You’re human. This is a normal reaction to Ted Faro, also known as That Fuckwit to all Horizon series fans.
Iana: Oooh, more targets! But anyway, the Guild is both holding corporation and culture - it’s decentralized by nature, with every nine-member Council in hub cities being independent and with the Directorate managing internal disputes between them and offering suggestions to expand their operations…and that is the end of their ethical constraints. The Guild wants to force every business and venture they can under their umbrella, and has been known to all-but-force people under their thumb to charge non-Guilders triple the amount for working with them. But the real reason I hate them so much is that they have specific divisions for selling both addictive drugs…and slaves.
Luz: …and let me guess. Naofumi just pulled the kind of shit they do when they’re aggressively pushing for market entry.
Suspire: Exactly. The real reason they have drugs in their holds is so they can addict the citizens of stubborn rivals and force them into business. Which is just the most simple form of the devil’s work they do - they will happily cause an issue and then make you pay them for the privilege of solving it. Or more to the point, force you to use their product because you had to pay all your reserves to them. Your home becomes little more than a consumptive organ of the Guild, and with an aristocracy that governs at their sufferance - a banana republic.
Iana: Or in this case, literally taking all the easily accessible food to force the sale of a novel species that might not thrive or even turn back into a Bio Plant. I retract my embarrassment over the Zombie Rice - I admitted to fault and wanting the issue to be over with the lazy but fun way (for me) and had to create a targeted blight to kill that damned cereal - and most importantly, I stayed to help rebuild. Given the amount of shortsighted raw greed here, he’s the kind of courtier I’d poison before his need for silver kills a province!
Wanderer2691: And that’s not even the worst part! The worst part is…well, as we mentioned, it seems like the only problem Motoyasu had when he planted that seed was that he wasn’t Naofumi! Let me explain:
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DesignatedHero)
Wanderer2691: So, I’ll get this out of the way because Iana already covered it - when it comes down to it, the reason Naofumi’s Practical Heroism Smart Business is better than Motoyasu’s Dumb-Dumb Reckless No-Goodness is that…basically, Naofumi had the ability to literally alter the seed. We’re not defending how the Spear Hero blatantly ignored the warning about the Bio Plant seed, but we are noting that in-universe Naofumi is called out for reckless toying with the seeds - but then he makes this thing and suddenly everything’s all hunky-dory! Please ignore how he grew another damn Bio Plant to experiment before he knew how to screw with stats, even if it wilted immediately.
Leliel: Which is a skill that, as noted, Motoyasu doesn’t have - given how he got it from the Bio Plant’s spawn with the Mandragora Shield, he couldn’t have. And, notably - Motoyasu didn’t charge them for the privilege of solving famine! Yeah, it’s said (by him) that Malty might have needled him into it, but the thing is, it’s still free of charge and neither he nor she expected a direct reward! You are literally coming off as more greedy than the Red Menace!
Luz: …and, here’s the thing. While I was fighting against Belos, I was kind of a rebel against the Emperor’s Coven. Man literally called his prison for people he found obnoxious to his ‘orderly’ rule the Conformatorium. But the Coven, especially Lilith before she finally found a clue and realized Belos was Bad News, occasionally did things that seemed good, like preserving order from rampaging demons and other monsters. Of course, it turned out Belos was the one who provoked a lot of said chaos - but I think I know what the show wants us to think Naofumi is. It wants us to see Naofumi as an honest dealer in self-interest who is willing to offer mutually beneficial deals to the meek to build the both of them up. In other words, and to use a simile, it wants us to see him as Varrick from The Legend of Korra here:
Except, here’s the thing - Varrick’s greed and profiteering is confined to his business - when he’s encountered ‘off the clock’, he’s a perfectly nice guy, and when he realized he was working on weapons of mass destruction - he stopped. Naofumi? Naofumi’s a sour carajito whose primary hobbies include grousing about Malty and stewing in self-pity. And oh yeah, he was actively avoiding trying to help until someone paid him. I think Varrick would at least try to contact new adventurers and raise awareness of the issues if he couldn’t see a way to profit, and the moment he did - well, he’d probably be the first to suggest deals on how to make the Bio Plant a gold mine for the village, with him patenting it of course. More importantly - VARRICK IS AN ANTAGONIST AND CAN NEVER BE SAID TO BE ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL HE GROWS A CONSCIENCE!
Suspire: [Jumps back, bemused] The lass is passionate about this, ain’t she? No worries, she drives a hard point here. I sense there be more to Varrick than greed and a feeling of forced obligation that he rants over because ‘waaah, I didn’t want to face problems on my journey’. And yes, I be staring at the Shield Hero.
Wanderer2691: And that’s the core - yes, Naofumi managed to make a plant…but there’s no actual difficulty in it. He just had the skill plopped on him and took advantage of it, unlike Motoyasu, who for all his apparent illiteracy literally could not have stopped the Bio Plant from maturing into a rampaging tree. But the moment Naofumi does the same exact recklessness, suddenly it’s okay and didn’t hurt anything, tra la laaa! The new Bio Plant he grew died immediately, so it’s all good. And then we’re invited to marvel at how smart he is for forcing the very same original crisis to be something the village was forced to also pay for! Using the actual food they had! That’s not being a hero, that’s a protection racket for starvation!
Iana: For…all of that, plus how the core is that when Naofumi does it, it’s entirely without any form of complication or consequence? Even if it’s a complete accident? Fifty points. Once again, this is key to the entire plot of the franchise, because how dare anyone who might have been mean to Naofumi at some point do a good thing? Especially when he could show them up? Truly, how insightful, I can’t at all see how this kind of ‘misunderstood genius, everyone is out to get me’ mindset might result in you thinking that the world is run by lizardfolk, because that’s the only way anyone could dislike you!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 292
And twenty to the other, because it takes a special kind of asshole to steal emergency food supplies in favor of an untested magic plant that isn’t even fully grown into its own as a crop yet!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 403
Leliel: And…you know what the real hilarious shit in this episode is? The thing that turns this from merely laughably bad to an outright hilarious atrocity? Well, this is the immediate aftermath!
{HICKWAAL} I'll be happy to take as many as you can give me, including all the produce.
{NAOFUMI} So, can we say we have a deal?
Suspire: And the next Wave of Calamity met no resistance, as the Plant Modification skill had worn off and all of Melromarc had already been eaten by Bio Plants. The end.
{HICKWAAL} My compliments on how you showed off several attractive products to create an advantage. You are a shining example of the trader's spirit!
Sporkers: [Disgusted wanking motions]
[NAOFUMI] You don't say?
{HICKWAAL} Oh, yes. And if you aren't busy at the moment, can you assist me with a little job I have?
[NAOFUMI] Hm?
{HICKWAAL} I need you to deliver some goods to an inn there.
[Long pause]
Wanderer2691: Are you telling us…
Iana: That all of that…
Suspire: Be a lead-in…
Luz: …to a hot springs episode?
Leliel: Yep. We have had three fucking episodes with Filo, and seven with Allegedly Adult Raphtalia…not even at the halfway point yet…and we’re dedicating a good half of this episode to stopping the plot for that least common denominator of fanservice, the hot spring, with nude harem members galore - please ignore how you observing this harem in the spring IRL would end with you on several watchlists.
[Longer pause]
Wanderer2691: Hit the count…
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 4
Leliel: I admit up front, I’m not going to be showing a lot of the hot springs. Both because I don’t think I need to try the rules even more than I have by necessity, and also because this entire scene makes me uncomfortable. Remember, one is ten, and the other isn’t even a few months old. And given what comes up…hoo boy.
{NAOFUMI} Hot spring, huh? How about you, Raphtalia?
{RAPHTALIA} [gasps, {then looks away and wags her tail}] Well, I'm not really that interested actually. But if you and Filo want to go, I'll be happy to accompany you.
Suspire: …we see what you’re planning, and trust us, lass - you can do better. In an actual decade, when you are actually age of majority.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 360
{NAOFUMI} Well that settles it. We're spending the night here.
{RAPHTALIA} [gasps] Thanks, Master Naofumi--
--[FILO] Master!
Luz: YOU. SHOULD NOT. BE. CARING. SAVE. YOURSELF.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 361
Wanderer2691: And now, we start getting nude shots of Raphtalia’s upper half that show..pretty much everything except her actual nipples, along with a nude Filo, so you’re going to have to do theater of mind…or better yet, don’t.
[RAPHTALIA] I'm happy we're staying in a hot springs inn, except that Filo is being way too clingy with Master Naofumi. I want to be clingy with him, also!
Iana: Behold, what my illustrious brother-in-law thought his wife was doing when he was bedding other women before I helped depose him. Except Ravatri is actually of age, so if I thought Naofumi was doing this, I wouldn’t have been so merciful it ended with disgraced exile out of safe guard against assassins. It probably still will be death, but I want to make that very clear.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 362
Leliel: Uuuugh…summarizing to protect my own sanity, basically Raphtalia finds that the hot springs have a plaque that say that they convey “success in love”, which sends her off on a bit of fantasizing-
[RAPHTALIA] No! Master Naofumi! We can't k-k-kiss! I'll end up being pregnant!
Suspire: …she still thinks that’s how it works? Oh yes, methinks she is entirely capable of informed consent, and that she is thinking this through given how she clearly incorporates possible children into her fantasy. Truly. Where’s the ginger when you need the blasted stuff!?
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 363
Wanderer2691: But, Filo turns out to be in Naofumi’s spring, and swimming around, leading to much jealousy from Raphtalia-
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 364
And mercifully, the hot springs scene ends. We cut to later that night when Raphtalia brings up a pair of drinks to share with Naofumi - and we can see the implications from a mile away -
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 365
However, when she’s up there…
Luz: It’s made clear this is because Filo’s the apparent child, and he used to brush Raphtalia’s…but given Raphtalia’s angry reaction and petty refusal to share any drink with Filo (she uncorks and swigs it), all that means is that this is a two-for-one special of Do Not Want.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 366
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 328 (Ah yes, look how good a parent Naofumi is what with treating his surrogate daughters that you almost forget the fucking shock collar tattooed on them?)
Leliel: Later that night…
Iana: After a few seconds of this, she realized what she was thinking, and promptly went back to bed, relieved he was Filo’s burden now. The end.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 367
[RAPHTALIA] Mom always used to say that giving a gift was the best way to get your beloved's attention. She fell in love with Dad after he gave her a gift, too.
Suspire: Somewhere in the afterlife, her mother’s hackles raise, and she realizes she forgot to tell her daughter that generally be the part after dating, fond meetings, probable enthusiastic consent, equality of power…
Luz: …aren’t you married to a princess and effective chancellor of a kingdom?
Suspire: We also both be demigods and I be capable of raising navvies of the dead with a few days prep. I think that be an exception that proves the rule.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 368
Wanderer2691: And promptly get stared at because he has no idea what that is. Or me. What the hell is-
Leliel: FLASHBACK TIIIIIME!
[GUEST A] Oh, you mean that rare crystal found in this area? Everyone says that if you make a love charm out of it, it works amazingly well.
Iana: For the record - trying to use love-affectors of any kind is something that seems alarmingly like date rape to me. As well as the kind of thing a slaver should not have.
Luz: …that honestly strikes me as a bit more thought than she’s giving it, but honestly, true enough, and even at its most innocent - HE. IS. YOUR. OWNER. AND. TEN. YEARS. OLDER.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 369 (An inauspicious number…)
[RAPHTALIA] A bird called a gagocco collects it, so if I find one of their nests, I'll find some latium! I'll be able to give it as a gift to Master Naofumi, and then... [gasps {in incipient fantasy}]
Wanderer2691: Thankfully, Raphtalia’s vocal proof-she-can’t-give-informed-consent-slash-possible-pregnancy-kink is cut short. Unfortunately, the person who cuts it short is Filo, who…starts on a scene Lels has been dreading.
Leliel: [Silent grimace]
[RAPHTALIA] Huh?
[FILO] Sure! The old man at the inn told me that the eggs of a bird called a gagocco are a rare delicacy.
[RAPHTALIA] Oh, I see, she's just being a glutton like always. She's such a child.
Luz: First shoe…
{FILO} If I take a rare delicacy to Master, I know he'll like me more and more.
[Dead silence]
Wanderer2691: Hell of a shoe.
Luz: [Silent horror]
Suspire: …would…would Leliel like some space? This kind of provocation results in the Great Curse being bent towards solitude…for good reason.
Leliel: [Long sip of soda] No. No, I’m okay. Just…going to show the next bit…to make it clear…
{RAPHTALIA} Become your mate?! Mating means marriage! Is Filo thinking that far ahead?
[FILO] So no eggs for you! Bye!
Leliel: And then she takes off, clearly wanting to stake her claim before her “sister” Raphtalia. With the implication is that because she is a bird, she doesn’t really process much beyond ‘wants a mate’ and is following instinct. To which, I, as a hobbyist ornithologist, have but one, minor, itsty-bitsy, totally missable, completely subjective issue with…
THAT IS FUCKING NOT HOW BIRDS OR ANYTHING ELSE WORKS YOU FUCKING PARENTAL INCEST FETISHIST DUMBASS FUCKWIT ASSHOLES! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE-SIZED BODY PILLOW YOU FUCKED IN ON! FUCK OFF!
Iana: [Shocked out of Great Curse] …well, I think several avian spirit-shaped Lunars in Creation have heard that now, but the journey across universes is hard, so…mind doing their job before they poke their heads in to wonder what caused that shriek?
Leliel: [Gulps water] Okay. From the top!
(https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/590182-let-me-tell-you-why-thats-bullshit)
Leliel: So from the last part, remember how I said that birds who imprint on humans generally see other humans as members of their own species? To the point where that’s a problem for their safety? Well, here’s another bird factoid - as they get older, birds generally seek to migrate away from their parents. It’s particularly noted in altricial, or born-helpless, species - because in precocial species like ducks or chickens, where the young are born able to see and walk, they need to know how to follow mom fast. An owl or crow, who mostly chills in the nest? Yeah, by the time they move on, they can fend for themselves.
Wanderer2691: As evidenced by how ducks and chickens, uh, form new flocks however, that is not the end of the story. In fact, there’s evidence that wild turkeys, if raised by humans, will attack their surrogate parent if they’re too old because they see someone who’s trying to force them to stay in the nest for some reason or a competitor for territory. Because, Westermark effect aside, that’s kind of a big fucking deal for birds - when most of your class flies, territory is pretty much the only geography you care about on a daily basis. Even domestic birds get a little awkward around parents who raise them in their house.
Leliel: So, if Filo is the kind of character defined by her avian instincts, as implied by the term ‘mating’, food obsession, and other actions she does like desire to pull carts and dominance displays with dragons (admittedly, those are filolial things, but again, bird)…by all rights, she should be prone to wanderlust, not blind devotion. She certainly wouldn’t consider Naofumi, the person she imprinted on, a potential mate, especially given her sapience and ability to understand inbreeding=bad. Because according to the rules of this setting, she was already an adult as a plain filolial able to be ridden on. Or is the fact that Raphtalia is Totes Legal due to her level as a semi-monster suddenly just details?
Wanderer2691: And what’s more…the “but she’s a bird, so she doesn’t get it!” excuse isn’t just an obvious dodge of her infancy-level age and sexual appeal, it’s boring. Because genuinely inhuman characters with alien traits…are interesting! Case in point, let’s assume Filo’s instincts are most analogous to the domestic bird she most resembles, and is called by when they call her “heavenly fowl” - the humble chicken.
(https://www.getstronganimals.com/post/understanding-the-pecking-order-in-chickens)
Leliel: Now, the defining social behavior in chickens is the pecking order - groups of hens (and groups of roosters, but they tend to peel off and join a group of unclaimed hens at the earliest available opportunity) form a strict ladder of command. Toughest and biggest hen is in charge and defends the flock, so she eats and finds a place to roost first. Middle hens wait their turn, and the bottom hen mostly tries to avoid getting bullied while being dead last in both eating and roosting. If there’s a rooster, he tends to be higher-ranking than the top hen, because he’s bigger and more bold than hens as a general rule, but the pecking order still exists.
Wanderer2691: Now, keep in mind…Filo’s human form is half Raphtalia’s size.
(https://www.cbr.com/raphtalia-best-things-rising-of-the-shield-hero/)
Let’s, for a moment, assume that in some alternate universe, both Filo and Raphtalia are actually adults, and came into Naofumi’s orbit on their own. No slavery. But they both got a crush on him in far, far less creepy ways. If Filo thought like a chicken…the idea that she has to compete for Naofumi’s affections literally would not occur to her, because Raphtalia’s the better fighter and bigger besides. She can defend the “flock” a lot more easily, so she’s the top hen, and gets dibs - at most, she might try to introduce the concept of polyamory, if the show was honest with itself. By contrast, in bird mode, she’s bigger than Naofumi, so to her, clearly the Shield Hero needs to be toughened up to do his job of protection - and she would be bossy as fuck. To say nothing of bathing by rolling around in the dirt and constantly looking for treasure and food, both chicken behavior. To say nothing of what the wiki says what she looks like, and we go a bit more predatory:
(https://www.owlresearchinstitute.org/owls)
Leliel: The first thing is that any owl able to be domesticated, or live with humans at all, is going to be the kind that can form parliaments (the term for a flock of owls) - which means the kinds of owl she most likely is supposed to resemble, the Eurasian Eagle-Owl and the Japanese Scops Owl, are right out, those are solitary owls and mostly see other owls as competition until mates, certainly don’t get much in the way of communication between themselves. Even parliament-forming owls are pretty loose when it comes to intra-strigiformes relations, mostly related to warmth by bunching up, watching for mobbing songbirds or predators of owls, and sharing hunting grounds they don’t mind others in. That version of Filo would be…well, a loner. And probably rather hilarious if the loli character acted like Shadow the Hedgehog with being all closed-off and it’s-not-like-I-worry-about-you. And, y’know, nocturnal.
Wanderer2691: But no, we get this…idealized child who openly wants to mate her adoptive father. And then hides behind this half-assed but-she’s-a-bird-monster excuse, same with her being a fucking speed-grown infant.
Iana: …and for those of you who say it’s too hard…I’m aware Creation is a tabletop game in your world, no? People like to play-act as the Exalted. I’d like to ask…if playing something human was so impossible, what of the rules for Dragon Kings?
(https://whitewolf.fandom.com/wiki/Scroll_of_Fallen_Races)
Luz: … Dino demons. All my yes.
Suspire: Don’t let them hear ye say that, lass…as a chosen race of the Unconquered Sun, they not be the sort to enjoy the comparison to the children of the Yozis.
Iana: Potential for accidental offense aside - Dragon Kings are a perfect example of why Creation-born have a fairly wide definition of human…because they’re a baseline for how different you have to be before being considered a prehuman people. They are, as you can see, humanoid dinosaurs, but its their souls that truly make them other. As Thuuli - who I should specify is the Exigent of Prehuman Rebirth, thanks to one of the gods of the city of Tzakul and its post-organic natives, the relicts - puts it, the Dragon Kings are gifted and cursed with the power of true reincarnation. A fully awakened Dragon King isn’t just a highly intelligent lizard with metamorphic abilities - she’s got a full memory of all her ancestors, so she knows exactly how to use her people’s technology and how to fight like them, adding her own innovations to the pool of genetic knowledge.
Luz: …there’s a huge but here, isn’t there?
Iana: But, the issue is - without her memories, she’s bordering on mindless. Dragon King brains aren’t like humans; they don’t fully grow until they have a dose of ancestral memories, and those aren’t inherently tapped. A Dragon King can go her whole life, even have offspring, while having a sort of proto-sapience one associates with chimpanzees and gorillas than humans - it was quite a shock to Althea when she realized the Jungle Stalkers she hunted when they made off with cattle were actually feral Raptok children rather than mutant forest lizards made by the Fair Folk on a whim. They had no awakened adults to guide them to sapience, so they remained nothing but pests and victims of innocent filicide by humans who didn’t know any better.
Luz: …well. That’s depressing. I’m going to guess by the title of Scroll of the Fallen Races they used to be a lot luckier?
Suspire: Behold one of the great sins of the Primordials - when the Dragon Kings sided with the Unconquered Sun and humans who they regarded as friends and eager apprentices, the titans unleashed a great genocide against them - leaving enough alive to know how much of their infrastructure for awakening their young was lost, so they could see their people slowly die. The First Age Deliberative tried to help, but the one-two broadside of the Great Contagion and the Balorian Crusade finished off the apocalypse. There’s plenty pre-sapient left, some of whom are prodigies that awaken on their own and some First Agers who saw it coming and put themselves in stasis to guide the young - but their empire ain’t ever coming back. Even if Thuuli does the job he was brought on to account for and helps rebuild all the prehumans that sided with the gods, all the old Dragon King places have humans living in them now, and the human kingdoms are too big and stable. So they have to live with being second fiddle to their old apprentices.
Iana: But to swing the rudder back around - crap, now I’m doing it - the simple fact that Dragon Kings have perfect reincarnation affects everything about them. They used to have human sacrifices, because they liked us so much - to the Dragon King mindset, humans regrow our intelligence before we’re even fully grown, so killing an unrepentant criminal or volunteer and fueling the Essence lost by their life to the gods was both giving the gods a massive boost and giving the criminals a chance to try again in better circumstances. An issue with exploring their ruins is that they regularly ensured total security by hiding passwords and answers to impossible puzzles in their own memories, knowing their future selves would come back, and there was no special protection against getting killed by higher levels of security - that was more of a ‘come back in a couple decades’ situation at worst. To say nothing of their flesh-shaping; every Dragon King has the ability to change her form to match her particular Charms, the supernatural abilities of Creation, and then use the adaptations for other purposes. A lot of Dragon King ruins look more primitive than they actually are simply because it was assumed that the people who worked there had the basic tools and equipment growing out of them. And that’s before you get into their art and cultural memes that have nothing to do with biology…
Leliel: Quick side note: a bit of this comes from the Exalted spoilers for the Essence Companion, if you’re confused as to why that’s not on the wiki. But to go back to kayfabe…having a truly inhuman character is your excuse to go wild. Embrace the alien! Show how they think and what they don’t understand about humans! Really get into that perspective! And above all else…
Wanderer2691: DON’T USE IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHY IT’S OKAY TO HAVE PARENTAL INCEST, AND THEN STOP THERE! And for forcing that to be a sentence…fifty points to both relevant categories, because once again, Filo is at least partly a member of the core harem. This is the reason given, and on every level, it is really fucking rank.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 419
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 286
Suspire: Ugh…can we move on before we need to cut out a part 3?
Leliel: Let’s! So she starts off on this sudden race and-
-why is she in human form? It’s explicit her filolial form is way faster so why is she giving her ‘rival’ a chance using a form she doesn’t really use to run anyway-argh, moving on with a point before I rant!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 287
Iana: It turns out the Horror is pretty fast even on mammal legs, so Raphtalia’s quickly winded trying to catch up. Filo can’t resist the urge to taunt, so-
{RAPHTALIA} [gasps] Filo, watch out!
Luz: You know, while I despise what these two represent, I really like this! It shows that it isn’t personal hate and they do at least get along enough to…help…wait, why isn’t Filo in her bird form? We’ve seen she’s pretty acrobatic and can do a good landing in that form - and actually, she’s also a Wind user, right? So she can slow her fall or save Raphtalia reflexively…
Wanderer2691: Because we wouldn’t have this scene - at least, not according to the writers, as in reality, Filo landing where she does in big bird mode or not doesn’t really affect much. It’s yet another oversight that would be missable otherwise…but given the laziness demonstrated everywhere else...
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 288
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 293
Iana: Anyway, they fall over, but the fall is cushioned by a worse situation…
Suspire: Well, it’s not all bad. Dinner!
Iana: …you do realize that Raphtalia and Filo aren’t empowered by death itself and that is a tough monster, right? …how would you even prepare giant monster boar meat?
Suspire: After spending a good few weeks on a ship sans several Exalted fishing together, ‘enormous hostile pig’ looks a great deal like ‘solving the ration budget for ham in the next few weeks.’ Same with sharks. Or river dragons, though those aren’t in the sea. Yet.
Leliel: The Hungry Vampire Sailor aside, the two quickly vamoose up the mountain from the Silver Razor Back here, and come to a wide gap on the path up, which causes-
Luz: …what stopped you from shifting before, then!? Oh wait, we wouldn’t have you doing the most shallow and obvious possible bonding with Raphtalia!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 289 (Because there’s no reason she couldn’t have done that already for speed away from the giant angry oinker.)
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 295
Wanderer2691: Anyway, gap jumped, Silver Razor Back trapped on other side of gap, relationship semi-mended, the both of them manage to get up to the gagocco and its nest, probably realizing they’re after separate gifts offscreen.
Leliel: There’s probably a pun here, like how the vengeful swarming chickens of Legend of Zelda are called Cuccos after how you spell clucking onomatopoeia in Japanese, but I don’t care enough to research, more marveling at that enormous wattle. Er, I think it’s a wattle. Could be a bib. It could be a very breast hygiene-conscious bird.
Iana: Raphtalia goes first to get the latium, but the gagocco notices and…
Suspire: Squawks. And keeps squawking. Even as Raphtalia is down on the ground asking it politely to let go of the gem, and, for a good twenty seconds. There is no mate, it just kind of sounds the alarm and - how’d you get here?!
Iana: Did…did that thing follow the girls all the way up here? Over the gap? And whatever other rough terrain is on the mountain? … is Leliel ticking?
Leliel: [Growls in offended biologist] …okay. Controlled detonation, keep this short, and-
(Undertale Yellow wiki, Martlet’s character page - not linked to avoid spoiling the fan game)
STILL NOT HOW FUCKING BIRDS WORK. OR BOARS. If the gagocco is nesting like that, it’s likely broody - which is to say, in full “never move from incubating egg” mode. You know what birds who get broody, like these chickens, do when you get close to eggs? They bite.
Luz: And that’s a domesticated bird. That giant wild bird should be trying to eat Raphtalia’s face! And, speaking as the daughter of a vet here - I don’t think it’d be specifically latium that gagoccos gather if there wasn’t a specific purpose they need for their nests. I think that big-wattled fella is just as angry about the gem!
Iana: Not that it seems to get it, mostly just kind of…making noise. Which…[eyes narrow] Is the implication that the gagocco drew that Silver Razor Back?
Wanderer2691: Uh, it’d kind of have to climb the mountain first…after the intruders that already left its den and territory. Man-eating carnivores are persistent because they realize humans are abundant and relatively easy to take down, but in case you haven’t noticed, pigs aren’t carnivores!
(https://americanminipigassociation.com/mini-pig-education/mini-pig-nutrition/)
Suspire: Take it from a predator of ships - if there’s easier feed for the loot hold, take the easier. And yes, that includes not finding a new chase at all and hauling cargo or smuggling, the grazing of the naval world. Boars be able to eat most plants, so unless it’s relatively fresh carrion, it’s plants for them - this boar should be long gone, monster or not.
Leliel: And if the gagocco wasting its time on screeching is what drew that boar…well, there’s a reason most aggressive hisses are relatively quiet noises that don't draw attention:
Wanderer2691: Behold, natural selection in action. Now that the eggs of this stupid living foghorn are smashed and it’s likely a stain somewhere, its ‘shriek like a moron and do nothing to help yourself’ behavioral genes have been removed from the local population. Hopefully the pressures on gagocco species will one day cure them of the compulsive need to push big shiny red buttons, too.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 291 (One for the broody noisy dumbass, one for the weirdly obsessive boar - pigs can be berserkers when charging, but if you leave, they stop. And the real berserkers are more often sows with piglets, anyway.)
Luz: So, the eggs are smashed and the latium is sent majestically sailing through the air to parts unknown, so the girls turn their frustrations on the Silver Razor Back in an epic beatdown…that we don’t see, we just hear the surprised and hurt squeal from a distance. Remember, when saving on animation, it’s best to cut the girls’ scenes to avoid upsetting your insecure male target demographic with cool independent women!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 296
Suspire: Unable to find any other gagocco nests, the girls return home, carrying with them the dead or unconscious boar with them on Filo’s bird form in the hope it’s a good enough substitute for Naofumi, so-
-oh what fresh bilge is this.
Leliel: …of-fucking-course. They get the A-rank quest target that is a massive payoff. Why not. [Pinches nose]
Iana: In all fairness, there is a picture of a hunter with a boar in the hot spring, and the iconography is repeated with the statue…but it’s a mighty great coincidence that the girls just happened across the sacred prey of this town. If I was the one with that pig, I would be running down a list of names and contact rituals of the local gods of fortune, because clearly, the Bureau of Destiny of the Celestial Bureaucracy is buttering me up for a favor, might as well show the No Moon is listening and open to negotiations.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 297
Wanderer2691: Uuuugh…the girls get Naofumi an expensive crafting hammer with boar money, they get headpats in thanks - yeah, nice gesture, still slavery -
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 329
And we get this line from Raphtalia.
[RAPHTALIA] He still treats me like a child sometimes, but one day, I'll make sure he notices my womanly charms, and then we'll see!
Luz: YOU. CAN. DO-oh I don’t caaaare, raise the score and end it already!
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 420
Leliel: And it does! We cut to credits…with no aftereffects apart from some crafting later that was already established Naofumi knows now last episode, and the girls solving their rivalry in what could have been a single scene of them talking honestly. Which makes this second half…
(https://www.amazon.com/-/he/RMH-Wieringa/dp/B0D8VTLHT3)
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 5
Wanderer2691: …and because the show hates us, one last post-credits scene!
Sporkers: [All scream in frustration and despair]
{GUY A} An epidemic to the east, you say?
{GUY B} That's right. Apparently they don't have enough medicine for everyone who's sick.
{RAPHTALIA} Master Naofumi, where are we heading to now?
{NAOFUMI} We're going east.
Iana: Please tell me I can reanimate that dragon. I want something to show for my suffering…
Suspire: …I’ll do ye one better, my beloved. Oi! I’m calling in that favor!
Wanderer2691: Already? Dude, that wasn’t long, we just met you!
Suspire: I know, and I just reunited with me bonny lioness. So to get back up to speed and to give her a chance to decompress - I ask that you give all your sporkers an entry off from ye next two episodes!
Luz: [Brightens] I like this favor!
Leliel: Seriously? But, guys, we need someone else to soak the…Wanderer, what’s with the 3DS?
Wanderer2691: [Looks up from Demon Summoning Program] Kinda guessed that they would probably want a break after…all this shit, so I have some seconds in mind.
Leliel: Fair enough! You all get your vacations, and join Wanderer, me, and Whoever next time as the Three Heroes hate really starts to become unavoidable…as is the show’s utter creepiness. Wish us luck!
Spitefic: Seeds of Hubris
(Slight trigger warning: depiction of a moderate anxiety disorder.)
Romuli Argentum did not consider himself much of a hero. And right now, he was immensely proud of that fact.
“Sweet merciful Spear, how many of these things are there?!” Fhilip said as his prosthetic tail lashed out to cut down another plant monster - a Starving Bush, by the color and the squatness of its form.
“Consider it practice! These things are only a bit hardier than Balloons! So that part didn’t wear off!” Romuli laughed, reveling in the old battle high as he carved through an especially large Cactonid Mandragora, deftly dodging through its spikes.
Off to the side, Yukiko Amagi rose her eyebrow. “Do they even need us…? There’s not actually that many…”
Connie gave her a weird look. “I..I c-counted f-fifty. And, and I’m p-pretty good with n-numbers.”
“For us, fifty relative grunts isn’t that many, particularly given my ice and their plants don’t mix. Especially given how we have the Wolf Emperor here - going to try and spar with him later, because wow,” an impressed Chie said. “I see why he’s Level 75…”
The werewolf huntsman, for his part, heard none of this, laughing as he poked a nearby member of the rag-tag ex-slave adventurers to demonstrate the technique for properly cornering one of the ravenous fruits of the Neo Bio Plant, which hissed in growing rage at the dirty platoon bearing down on it.
By this point, though, nobody doubted it’d be the loser. And not even having eaten the refugee camp yet.
Which gave Anne plenty of time to get through a wall of understandable skepticism.
“No, I mean we really aren’t asking for anything. We’re just trying to organize when the next caravan will arrive and if it needs to be sooner-”
“And I am sure there will be absolutely no premium on it,” the embittered village chief replied, eyes flashing with the bitter defiance of someone who had nothing except their dignity left to lose. The come-and-get-me cynical bravery of one whose will had not yet broken and reinforced through sheer spite.
Naofumi had much to answer for. To start with, the fact of the matter was that “ curbing” growth and mutation potential did absolutely nothing to a Bio Plant’s capacity to become, or generate, monsters. It just lowered the rate at which it happened to more manageable, annoying potential - the reason the Alchemist of Starving Wood had sealed his seed away and populated his old lair with monsters, just in case someone figured out how to tame it instead of continuing to work on making his miracle plant a peaceful source of external food. (No, he did not think about what would happen if people forgot that possibly generational plan, which they did. Mad alchemists are not known for having great long-term thought.)
And given how the Neo Bio Plants needed to breed to produce fruits, because fruits are the result of fertilized flowers, that also meant that the moment the ones Naofumi graciously sold the village self-fertilized, they started spawning monsters to protect and later carry said fruits away for their seeds to be planted. As was a fundamental trait of their biology that could not be redistributed in a night by someone who had just learned the ability to modify stats.
After the village was rendered both penniless and without any food supply thanks to Naofumi’s dual pricing.
“No! No, absolutely not, we are not giving you three strikes here.” Anne raised her hands in supplication. “The silver lining is - these things don’t and can’t spit parasites any more, that part worked. And I know someone who can make those monsters more tame, more domesticable-”
“No deal.”
“I-this isn’t a deal, it’s a gift!”
“And the first gift caused this all in the first place,” the chief angrily replied. “Let Melromarc have its ‘heroes’. If you excuse me, I need to coordinate evacuation and moving to a new area.” And with that, he marched off with nothing but a rude gesture for Anne.
Connie came over, ears drooped. “Not…not listening, is he?”
“Nope. I think the Shield Devil might have permanently soured him on the concept of someone rushing in to save the day. I’m surprised he’s even listening to me enough to tell me ‘no’ instead of punching everybody in the face.” Anne sighed. “Or maybe because we’re killing the plants.”
“Um…M-maybe I c-can h-help?” Connie looked a little hopeful. “I…I have Ag-Agricultural Magic. Help t-tame them, maybe. K-kind of w-why I w-wasn’t just pawned o-off on a w-work gang due…due to my s-stutter. Was…wasn’t a-appealing, for rabbit buyers. A-according to…him.”
“...and ‘reasons to kill Beloukas’ increases by one.” Anne growled. “Honestly, if you offer, it can’t hurt. He seems to trust demihumans more than humans. Because I think he knows that you guys don’t want much. Just freedom and to be left alone.”
“Smart m-man.” Connie grinned slightly, then her ears drooped. “Still…still f-feels wrong. B-because…Shield Hero’s s-supposed to be….good. Good to u-us, anyway.”
Anne thought on it, and looked up. “...honestly? I think he’s like Sasha…if Sasha didn’t have reality smack into her.”
“Sasha? Y-your…’somewhat e-evil friend’?”
“Used to be ‘really evil ex-friend’. But yeah…Sasha got it in her head that, whatever she did to become more secure, and help her friends, was a good thing. She was kind of like that on Earth too, but Amphibia really shifted it into overdrive. She’s a control freak and always has been, but if she’s scared, she doubles down on making sure she knows where everything is…including people.” Anne grimaced. “No matter what those people think.”
“F-fear driving a…a need for o-order…?” Connie looked down at her perfectly symmetrical clothes. “Can’t i-imagine what t-that’s like…”
“If it helps, she got better too once given time to decompress. But seriously…Sasha wasn’t just awful - she was actively lying at her worst to regain control of our friendship, because I think she genuinely convinced herself she knew so much of what was best that, well…” Anne sighed. “Anything that kept people leaning on her, depending on her, was for the best. If people could be shocked into listening to her, when she was planning on taking over Newtopia…”
“...t-that’s not pleasant, no.” Connie looked at the hand of her weak arm in its resting sling, where she had asked someone to tattoo a broken slave crest - a reminder to see and remember she had been through worse even in the depths of a panic attack. “You…you w-wouldn’t like these…but s-since the Shield…since Naofumi’s j-just been g-getting more stuff b-because he has the…the crests…”
“Exactly. He might think he’s some kind of guy just getting along…but with two slaves who play along as his daughters and with that persecution complex he has, he’s convinced himself that anyone who isn’t a fan is just a hater. And he doubles down, over and over. Moment something goes wrong, he lashes out.”
Connie paused. “You…you t-think that’s why his Curse s-series is Wrath?”
Anne froze, then slapped her forehead. “...you know, it’s always the most ‘duh’ moments I miss. And it’s really freaking convenient that warped Shield ended up with him…”
A/N: The reason Connie has such a pronounced stutter is that, in the web novel canon, the two slaves passed over for Raphtalia were “a rabbit demihuman with a disorder, and a mixed-breed lizardman,” according to the wiki.
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Naofumi_Iwatani/Chronology)
While I later discovered the “disorder” was a weirdly bent arm and the lizardman had an “evil aura”, at the time I thought ‘disorder as in mental disorder’, because this franchise is that low, and to be frank I was right - literally passed over because of a bum arm. But her identity and character was already established. So Connie has the obvious kind of ‘disorder’, an anxiety-induced stutter that is still really pronounced due to - uh, having been a slave in the recent past. She’ll get better, and I don’t mean to offend anyone or portray actual mental issues beyond it. Trust me, I’ve had similar issues to her IRL.
(Slight trigger warning: depiction of a moderate anxiety disorder.)
Romuli Argentum did not consider himself much of a hero. And right now, he was immensely proud of that fact.
“Sweet merciful Spear, how many of these things are there?!” Fhilip said as his prosthetic tail lashed out to cut down another plant monster - a Starving Bush, by the color and the squatness of its form.
“Consider it practice! These things are only a bit hardier than Balloons! So that part didn’t wear off!” Romuli laughed, reveling in the old battle high as he carved through an especially large Cactonid Mandragora, deftly dodging through its spikes.
Off to the side, Yukiko Amagi rose her eyebrow. “Do they even need us…? There’s not actually that many…”
Connie gave her a weird look. “I..I c-counted f-fifty. And, and I’m p-pretty good with n-numbers.”
“For us, fifty relative grunts isn’t that many, particularly given my ice and their plants don’t mix. Especially given how we have the Wolf Emperor here - going to try and spar with him later, because wow,” an impressed Chie said. “I see why he’s Level 75…”
The werewolf huntsman, for his part, heard none of this, laughing as he poked a nearby member of the rag-tag ex-slave adventurers to demonstrate the technique for properly cornering one of the ravenous fruits of the Neo Bio Plant, which hissed in growing rage at the dirty platoon bearing down on it.
By this point, though, nobody doubted it’d be the loser. And not even having eaten the refugee camp yet.
Which gave Anne plenty of time to get through a wall of understandable skepticism.
“No, I mean we really aren’t asking for anything. We’re just trying to organize when the next caravan will arrive and if it needs to be sooner-”
“And I am sure there will be absolutely no premium on it,” the embittered village chief replied, eyes flashing with the bitter defiance of someone who had nothing except their dignity left to lose. The come-and-get-me cynical bravery of one whose will had not yet broken and reinforced through sheer spite.
Naofumi had much to answer for. To start with, the fact of the matter was that “ curbing” growth and mutation potential did absolutely nothing to a Bio Plant’s capacity to become, or generate, monsters. It just lowered the rate at which it happened to more manageable, annoying potential - the reason the Alchemist of Starving Wood had sealed his seed away and populated his old lair with monsters, just in case someone figured out how to tame it instead of continuing to work on making his miracle plant a peaceful source of external food. (No, he did not think about what would happen if people forgot that possibly generational plan, which they did. Mad alchemists are not known for having great long-term thought.)
And given how the Neo Bio Plants needed to breed to produce fruits, because fruits are the result of fertilized flowers, that also meant that the moment the ones Naofumi graciously sold the village self-fertilized, they started spawning monsters to protect and later carry said fruits away for their seeds to be planted. As was a fundamental trait of their biology that could not be redistributed in a night by someone who had just learned the ability to modify stats.
After the village was rendered both penniless and without any food supply thanks to Naofumi’s dual pricing.
“No! No, absolutely not, we are not giving you three strikes here.” Anne raised her hands in supplication. “The silver lining is - these things don’t and can’t spit parasites any more, that part worked. And I know someone who can make those monsters more tame, more domesticable-”
“No deal.”
“I-this isn’t a deal, it’s a gift!”
“And the first gift caused this all in the first place,” the chief angrily replied. “Let Melromarc have its ‘heroes’. If you excuse me, I need to coordinate evacuation and moving to a new area.” And with that, he marched off with nothing but a rude gesture for Anne.
Connie came over, ears drooped. “Not…not listening, is he?”
“Nope. I think the Shield Devil might have permanently soured him on the concept of someone rushing in to save the day. I’m surprised he’s even listening to me enough to tell me ‘no’ instead of punching everybody in the face.” Anne sighed. “Or maybe because we’re killing the plants.”
“Um…M-maybe I c-can h-help?” Connie looked a little hopeful. “I…I have Ag-Agricultural Magic. Help t-tame them, maybe. K-kind of w-why I w-wasn’t just pawned o-off on a w-work gang due…due to my s-stutter. Was…wasn’t a-appealing, for rabbit buyers. A-according to…him.”
“...and ‘reasons to kill Beloukas’ increases by one.” Anne growled. “Honestly, if you offer, it can’t hurt. He seems to trust demihumans more than humans. Because I think he knows that you guys don’t want much. Just freedom and to be left alone.”
“Smart m-man.” Connie grinned slightly, then her ears drooped. “Still…still f-feels wrong. B-because…Shield Hero’s s-supposed to be….good. Good to u-us, anyway.”
Anne thought on it, and looked up. “...honestly? I think he’s like Sasha…if Sasha didn’t have reality smack into her.”
“Sasha? Y-your…’somewhat e-evil friend’?”
“Used to be ‘really evil ex-friend’. But yeah…Sasha got it in her head that, whatever she did to become more secure, and help her friends, was a good thing. She was kind of like that on Earth too, but Amphibia really shifted it into overdrive. She’s a control freak and always has been, but if she’s scared, she doubles down on making sure she knows where everything is…including people.” Anne grimaced. “No matter what those people think.”
“F-fear driving a…a need for o-order…?” Connie looked down at her perfectly symmetrical clothes. “Can’t i-imagine what t-that’s like…”
“If it helps, she got better too once given time to decompress. But seriously…Sasha wasn’t just awful - she was actively lying at her worst to regain control of our friendship, because I think she genuinely convinced herself she knew so much of what was best that, well…” Anne sighed. “Anything that kept people leaning on her, depending on her, was for the best. If people could be shocked into listening to her, when she was planning on taking over Newtopia…”
“...t-that’s not pleasant, no.” Connie looked at the hand of her weak arm in its resting sling, where she had asked someone to tattoo a broken slave crest - a reminder to see and remember she had been through worse even in the depths of a panic attack. “You…you w-wouldn’t like these…but s-since the Shield…since Naofumi’s j-just been g-getting more stuff b-because he has the…the crests…”
“Exactly. He might think he’s some kind of guy just getting along…but with two slaves who play along as his daughters and with that persecution complex he has, he’s convinced himself that anyone who isn’t a fan is just a hater. And he doubles down, over and over. Moment something goes wrong, he lashes out.”
Connie paused. “You…you t-think that’s why his Curse s-series is Wrath?”
Anne froze, then slapped her forehead. “...you know, it’s always the most ‘duh’ moments I miss. And it’s really freaking convenient that warped Shield ended up with him…”
A/N: The reason Connie has such a pronounced stutter is that, in the web novel canon, the two slaves passed over for Raphtalia were “a rabbit demihuman with a disorder, and a mixed-breed lizardman,” according to the wiki.
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Naofumi_Iwatani/Chronology)
While I later discovered the “disorder” was a weirdly bent arm and the lizardman had an “evil aura”, at the time I thought ‘disorder as in mental disorder’, because this franchise is that low, and to be frank I was right - literally passed over because of a bum arm. But her identity and character was already established. So Connie has the obvious kind of ‘disorder’, an anxiety-induced stutter that is still really pronounced due to - uh, having been a slave in the recent past. She’ll get better, and I don’t mean to offend anyone or portray actual mental issues beyond it. Trust me, I’ve had similar issues to her IRL.
Stepping Back for my own Sanity
Date: 2024-10-18 04:56 am (UTC)Re: Stepping Back for my own Sanity
Date: 2024-10-18 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-11-13 05:32 pm (UTC)May God have mercy on your soul,
For you have clearly shown it none.
In this case, it applies to Naofumi, but it she can use it for others, if she so wishes, if you decide to show it to her.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-13 06:48 pm (UTC)And heh, yeah. Seems accurate.