![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
leliel_12[Trigger warning: Slavery apologia, pedophilia undertones, general misogyny, sex slavery as a joke. Also, spoilers for a decades-old anime in the form of Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. And, oh yes, mentioned FRONTAL NUDITY OF A MINOR HOLY SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SERIES.]
[Mobile warning: Image heavy by necessity, and a lot of images are pretty big. Prepare to side-scroll]
[Link to mirror on Das Sporking]
Leliel: [Long, pained moan…]
Anne: …I’d ask why, but I saw the other spork they’re working on - check Thousand Shinji, Chapter 14, it’s the one divided into two parts. [Hollow look] My innocence will never come back.
Wanderer2691: Yeah…not only do we have…that chapter we’re recovering from, at the end of this pair of chapters, we’re going to get the most skeevy character in this show on a conceptual level…and it starts with Naofumi, essentially, declaring his allegiance to slavery as a concept because…”respect for others.” Buck up folks, this is gonna be a long one.
Yukiko: [Rigid, terrifying smile] This show is making me root for the hypothetical alien invaders. At least working in the resource mines of Imperator Opresson The XIIIth is universal equality at the bottom.
Chie: Yeah…and the fact the sporking chamber seems to have a leak isn’t helping. [Pokes a wet spot with her foot] Also, there’s four dots in some heavy shadow here, and it’s making me feel a little superstitious…
Leliel: [Shakes head] Why do I get the sense we just had a terrible pun drop…anyway! Backpoints.
Wanderer2691: First off, chessybell_90 pointed out that the time from the first Wave to the Second was a month, and that means that apparently, Raphtalia developed PTSD, was enslaved, was sold and resold, and then cured of PTSD in in a week when leveling up to apparent adulthood, to say nothing of Naofumi. This is…a bit compressed a timeline, especially given how the light novels - not the web novel, the light novels - say that she had an entire character arc under her old owner, and it makes the time spent leveling up along with the other Three Heroes’ adventures seem a bit truncated, to say the least. So it’s not great awareness of time in this world or personality development, making it seem more artificial and shallow.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 83
Yukiko: Second, as noted by wolfgoddess77 - the Balloons gave 1 XP before, 15 now. Apparently, Malty is such a horrible person that she causes very aggravating glitches in the leveling system. Or whatever dark god created the Shield wanting its “master” to be a slaver. Either would be better explanations, as opposed to ‘the writer, presumably, forgot.’
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 84
Anne: Also there was an error, OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER is 2, not 1. But we really don’t want to go back and change that at the moment.
Chie: And once again, all credit goes to Forever Dreaming for the copied scripts (https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415), but we’ll impose the sub over the dub when we feel it flows better, with {this}. Without further…attempts to spare ourselves…
Spitefic: Logismoi of the Legendary
[Mobile warning: Image heavy by necessity, and a lot of images are pretty big. Prepare to side-scroll]
[Link to mirror on Das Sporking]
Leliel: [Long, pained moan…]
Anne: …I’d ask why, but I saw the other spork they’re working on - check Thousand Shinji, Chapter 14, it’s the one divided into two parts. [Hollow look] My innocence will never come back.
Wanderer2691: Yeah…not only do we have…that chapter we’re recovering from, at the end of this pair of chapters, we’re going to get the most skeevy character in this show on a conceptual level…and it starts with Naofumi, essentially, declaring his allegiance to slavery as a concept because…”respect for others.” Buck up folks, this is gonna be a long one.
Yukiko: [Rigid, terrifying smile] This show is making me root for the hypothetical alien invaders. At least working in the resource mines of Imperator Opresson The XIIIth is universal equality at the bottom.
Chie: Yeah…and the fact the sporking chamber seems to have a leak isn’t helping. [Pokes a wet spot with her foot] Also, there’s four dots in some heavy shadow here, and it’s making me feel a little superstitious…
Leliel: [Shakes head] Why do I get the sense we just had a terrible pun drop…anyway! Backpoints.
Wanderer2691: First off, chessybell_90 pointed out that the time from the first Wave to the Second was a month, and that means that apparently, Raphtalia developed PTSD, was enslaved, was sold and resold, and then cured of PTSD in in a week when leveling up to apparent adulthood, to say nothing of Naofumi. This is…a bit compressed a timeline, especially given how the light novels - not the web novel, the light novels - say that she had an entire character arc under her old owner, and it makes the time spent leveling up along with the other Three Heroes’ adventures seem a bit truncated, to say the least. So it’s not great awareness of time in this world or personality development, making it seem more artificial and shallow.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 83
Yukiko: Second, as noted by wolfgoddess77 - the Balloons gave 1 XP before, 15 now. Apparently, Malty is such a horrible person that she causes very aggravating glitches in the leveling system. Or whatever dark god created the Shield wanting its “master” to be a slaver. Either would be better explanations, as opposed to ‘the writer, presumably, forgot.’
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 84
Anne: Also there was an error, OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER is 2, not 1. But we really don’t want to go back and change that at the moment.
Chie: And once again, all credit goes to Forever Dreaming for the copied scripts (https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415), but we’ll impose the sub over the dub when we feel it flows better, with {this}. Without further…attempts to spare ourselves…
Episode 4: Lullaby at Dawn
Anne: [Tilts head] Already getting a bad feeling…this is Raphtalia-centric, isn’t it.
Wanderer2691: …yep. Waifu Substitute mom strikes again…
Anne: Joy…
[Wet spots shift slightly]
Yukiko: [Blinks] I wasn’t aware that the Amagis had a branch family in another world. Or that they were bards…
Leliel: Yeah, uh, this really isn’t a flaw, I was just amused at how much they look like Yukiko given her hairstyle and occasional pink kimono:
(https://megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Yukiko_Amagi/Gallery)
Yukiko: Oh! Well then, now I can imagine one of the lyrists setting Naofumi on fire with her mind. Thank you, sincerely!
Anne: [Stares, then glances at Chie]
Chie: Don’t worry, this is normal for her…mostly…
{AULTCRAY} And tonight, we celebrate! Enjoy yourselves to the fullest!
Anne: …ah. This is going to make a point about how chill and luxurious the nobles are in comparison to Naofumi and the villagers they nearly killed to keep themselves safe.
Wanderer2691: We wish. The real narrative goal is much stupider. Because after a scan across the Three Cardinal Heroes…
Chie: …uh. Why is Naofumi here?
[NAOFUMI] This is ridiculous. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the reward.
Chie: …Not who I was asking, Shield Devil.
Leliel: We apologize for continuing to belabor the point, but the fact of the matter is, the show seems to keep forgetting: Naofumi is the devil figure. Even if he wasn’t, he’d be an accused rapist in a country that supposedly regards them as beneath telemarketers in esteem. He was accused of raping the king’s daughter, and the king is the host. Bouncers, motherfucker, do you have them?
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 85
Yukiko: So, ignoring the guest that should have been barred entry and had the guards called on him, the next bit is actually a neat bit of context, when someone brings up low casualties:
Wanderer2691: You may recognize this guy as the cowardly captain that put an entire village at risk rather than himself or his men - and the “monster” he speaks of was stopped by Naofumi. Of course, who’s going to believe the Shield Devil and his demihuman if he tries to correct them or point out that the only reason so many people were safe was because of him coordinating civilian defense? This is the least his reputation should do to him.
Leliel: Anyway, scene continues, Motoyasu gets flirted with by a couple noble ladies, which Malty shuts down before the ever-horndog Spear Hero sees Raphtalia and starts to go off after her to restart the flirt, when…
Wanderer2691: And…this is something we feel really bad about scoring, because while her motives are, naturally, selfish, Malty is actually alerting Motoyasu to something that is sincerely fucked up and he needs to know. But, once again, the intent is to make us hate her for “getting in the way of” Raphtalia and Naofumi, so…
RED MENACE: 57
Anne: Speaking of things this show does that make us deeply uncomfortable to do, I have to offer praise for the fact that Raphtalia, rather than getting food for herself, is trying to find stuff for Naofumi - this is something a [gag] domestic slave would be accepted doing and ignored, rather than suddenly not caring they don’t let demihumans eat at this establishment.
Yukiko: [Notices what might be a slight blush as Raphtalia says this] This, however, remains thoroughly repellant, for many reasons. Your chronologically pre-teen adopted daughter should not be flirting with you, let alone your slave.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 21
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 123
Chie: At least the reason Naofumi’s down is something I get - he just realized he could teleport people out of the ravaged town when the dragon hourglass calls him, and he’s having a bit of survivor guilt. But Raphtalia comes back and - URP!
Chie: Starts…hand-feeding, like…she’s his mother, or…lover…when slave and…adopted daughter…and…and now I won’t be able to do that with Yuki without thinking of this…gross…
Yukiko: Is nothing sacred for you, Rising?!
Stains: [Grow slightly.]
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 22
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 124
Leliel: Thankfully, Motoyasu is actually a hero for once and kills this scene dead afterwards, as he gets pissed:
[MOTOYASU] Naofumi...
[NAOFUMI gasps] Hmm?
{MOTOYASU} {Duel me.}
Anne: Whoa! What made him all serious?
Leliel: Well…first we have a title, and…
Co-Sporkers: [Beat]
Yukiko: Please…tell me this is the early signs of his redemption arc, and…not what I think it is…
[MOTOYASU] I've heard that you've made poor Raphtalia your slave and that she obeys your every command.
Yukiko: …It is exactly what I think it is. With Raphtalia looking annoyed or confused by his attempt to defend her. This is going to hurt… [Gets out the button.]
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 125 (The way it’s being done is clearly something we’re supposed to think is upsetting to Raphtalia. Screw that noise.)
{MOTOYASU} Watch your tone.
Anne: …you know, that particular criticism, and in the sub, “You…”, is used to indicate rudeness or petty anger. You know - an unsympathetic reaction, as opposed to someone getting justifiably PO’d at a slaver who relies on his property to protect him like a coward.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 126 (Naofumi fought with her, but Motoyasu doesn’t know that, so no, it’s entirely righteous anger on his end - even more so than if he did.)
{Naofumi} Yeah, Raphtalia's my loyal slave. So what's it to you?
Leliel: Basic human fucking decency, even if the show wants us to think that Motoyasu only cares so he can get in her pants? …fuck me, if Raphtalia was actually an adult, I’d be all for the good ship Jockrings, there are worse ways to break the ice than freeing a gladiatrix from a manipulative father figure master.
{MOTOYASU} You listen up. You can't be saying you think it's okay to enslave others!
Wanderer2691: Spear guy, you poor sweet summer child…because this is the response. Reproduced in images, so you get to see exactly what even the sub says:
{MOTOYASU}: {But we're heroes from another world!} We shouldn't behave that way here and you know it.
[Long pause]
Chie: So. The great counterargument. Is that ‘slavery bad.’ Is Motoyasu’s opinion.
Anne: Yyyyep.
Chie: Nothing else, just that slavery is how this world does things.
Leliel: Pretty much, along with “Raphtalia is useful tho” in the dub.
Chie: And we are supposed to scorn Motoyasu for maybe injecting himself into Raphtalia and Naofumi’s relationship because he thinks she’s pretty, and, I think, “self-righteousness.”
Yukiko: This anime thinks that imperialism is bad when it impacts the main protagonist in an inconvenient way, yes.
Chie: Oh. I see.
[Beat]
Wanderer2691: Coincidentally, Iana decided to leave the ghost of a Ysyr magocrat, the people who literally are the slavemasters of an entire society in the name of universal harmony, here in this dummy that has been completely unintentionally dressed in the same armor Naofumi wears. Side note, his new body registers all forms of pain and he is completely unable to fight back.
Chie: Oh! Remind me to thank her later. HIYYYAAA-
Yukiko: [Long blink] Weird he sounded like Yosuke, but deserved on all levels, and therapeutic.
Chie: I…just…what the fuck is this?! That’s a hero’s logic?! “This objectively terrible thing that keeps people in literal cages is just part of this world’s culture”?! I - If someone told me this was the nature of the world I got isekai’d too, I’d be raising an army of bandits and monsters to raze it to the ground! All hail Red-Maw Satonaka, Young Mistress of the Stomping Demon Hoof School, who at least pays everyone who works for her!
Leliel: And this is part why I retained the Persona 4 duo, because, to be frank, there’s another, much better and frankly cooler character who actually does this well…because he’s a villain:
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/FullmetalAlchemistHomunculiAffiliates)
Yukiko: …and now you are making me think this show would be better if it was Kimblee who was the main character. That’s not a sentence I thought I’d ever utter…
Chie: O-kay! Background time! Solf J. Kimblee there is a major villain from Fullmetal Alchemist, a series Yukiko likes for combining shonen with weird science - hence, “alchemist”, in the series it’s explicitly mystical ways of reconstructing matter chemically, but it has to remain scientifically possible in the end state to work. So she can follow along and speculate on the weird stuff alchemy often does - but I digress. Kimblee is the Crimson Alchemist, a guy specialized in the creation of explosives…and is exactly the kind of person you’d expect would design his entire scientific study and power set to making weapons of way that cause massacres:
Leliel: Fun fact - this scene was actually done in response to the original anime’s idea of Kimblee being just plain brutal and evil - the manga, and this, made it clear that while he’s murderous and bloodthirsty, he’s pragmatic enough to not randomly kill people who he no longer has a conflict with and he respects for dedication to duty, though fucking with people…
Wanderer2691: Yeah… but anyway, the big thing about Kimblee is that his sense of morality is…different. Leliel feels that, with his Hat of Pop Philosophy on, that Kimblee is FMA’s representative of Nietszchean thought in its personal growth, moral systems, and ideals free-for-all battle royale - in particular, Aristocratic Morality. To make a long dissertation short and relevant, Kimblee is a person who judges things not based on good or evil, but whether they win or lose an ideological or physical struggle. The man sees existence as a war of all against all, and he’s just someone who is honest with himself about trying to be on the strongest side so he can win with them, since what wins is what is good. Thing is, what makes Kimblee an interesting character is that he does this…completely without prejudice. He feels that lying is an act of weakness, as is breaking one’s own principles, so he does neither, and about the only moral line he has is when people show cowardice by breaking their own out of fear. Which becomes an issue when, after his devouring by the demonic homunculus Pride, Pride suddenly drops the quality he’s named after and his own proud self-assurance that homunculi are superior, with that being the reason homunculi deserve to rule, when faced with a threat of actually dying.
Yukiko: That will never not be satisfying to watch that brat get chewed out. (Side note, we know about Ed's English voice actor, but we do not support him, just the larger franchise - please do NOT discuss it further in the comments.) Especially given his blind loyalty. But in any case, what makes Kimblee interesting, and a lot of his speeches land, is that he practices what he preaches - even in that clip, he wasn’t trying to survive as an independent ego, since the souls are going to die upon release, but recognizing that in the end, Pride’s logic wasn’t founded on anything resembling actual duty to Father or homunculi as a species, but what was easy for Pride to do, and the moment that stopped, Pride created a him-shaped hole in his ethics to step through, because ‘it helped me survive.’ Sort of like someone who, I don’t know, suddenly decides it’s overbearing to decide slavery is wrong when he hates everything else about the culture? Because he’s benefitting from it?!
[NAOFUMI] [...] {you lost when you couldn’t pierce my shield!}
Sporkers: [Collective deadpan look]
Wanderer2691: And here is where the dub is just plain worse, because Naofumi lies or shows he doesn’t know much more than Motoyasu - he says “the spear lost when it couldn’t pierce the shield” - no it didn’t, the merchant selling them skadoodled when caught in a lie. This entire metaphor only exists so Naofumi can wave his Intellectual Wang about and dunk on Motoyasu - and even in Japanese, it doesn’t really make sense it was even brought up to begin with!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 117
Leliel: Anyhoo, Motoyasu gets in a good hit with Chaos Spear, a technique that sends a rapid fire of lasers from his spear that gets past Naofumi’s defense.
However, when the Spear Hero gets into melee again, Naofumi hits him with a shield bash - and unannounced helper.
Yukiko: …. PBBBT! I GOTTA REMEMBER THAT! HAHAHAHAHA…but seriously, though, I like this. As noted, a shield can’t do much with offense by itself, just being a very unwieldy boxing glove, so Naofumi uses the Balloons gnawing on him as disposable grunts and later shows the power of the Two-Headed Dog Shield he got from the orthrus - bitey heads.
Then, a novel use for Air Shield, Shield Prison, and some Balloons:
Anne: …OOF. And now Motoyasu knows what it’s like to be a nut inside a hamster ball…with a hamster. Though…I actually like this power array, but on the other hand…for the Shield Hero, Naofumi seems to have picked up a few levels in Wizard. He’s not exactly fighting with just defense, that Air Shield was a flat Magic Missile variation.
Wanderer2691: While we get affordances to actual agency in a battle-focused show, we consider this a preview of just how little the shield is going to act like a shield in the near future. But, in the stands, the nobles are getting a bit pissy that Naofumi has the advantage and isn’t respecting the duel - and that’s a bit of hypocrisy I like, because those same rules are why Motoyasu was seemingly guaranteed to win from square one - but Aultcray’s clearly up to something:
Chie: Well that’s ominous. But the Shield Prison runs out, Motoyasu clearly having taken a beating from the Balloons and not eager to fight, though he refuses to give up. Naofumi readies more and-
Male Sporkers: [Cringe, and rear back]
{NAOFUMI} Might as well, since I'm a cowardly cheater!
Yukiko: [Flatly] I’m glad we agree. Asshole.
Chie: Yeah, uh - fight to pin, remember? I get this duel isn’t going to be one where the King lets the Shield Devil win, but Motoyasu clearly can’t easily move. One Air Shield from above and voila, suddenly Aultcray’s looking for technicalities that show he’s covering his ass to the crowd. Naofumi is making this fight worse for him out of pure sadism, and if we weren’t supposed to see him as a power fantasy, this would be confirmation that Motoyasu needs to get stronger to beat his rival. Because, right now, Spear Guy’s being way more of a hero than Shield Guy.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 175
Anne: Thankfully for the real protagonist, that’s when the turnabout and fair play - er, the cheat shows itself. Because as it turns out, Malty’s a magician herself:
Leliel: With a bit of wind magic, Naofumi is knocked out of pummeling position and allows Motoyasu to rally. Which now that he gets in position…
Wanderer2691: And as the music attempts to manipulate us into thinking this is tragic, Naofumi slumps to the ground…
Anne: WOO! Oh wait, he’s supposed to be the rival. Boo. Hiss. Cheaaaaa…[yawns]
Chie: Of course, our hero (allegedly), does not take this lying down, and rises to his feet, calling a do-over…
{NAOFUMI} And it's obvious that you didn't win.
{MOTOYASU} What?
[NAOFUMI] That magician butted in and gave you help!
{MOTOYASU} Ha! Little man's a sore loser?
{NAOFUMI} It's the truth! Everyone who was watching her could see it! You all saw Myne use her magic, didn't you? I know you saw it!
Yukiko: The crowd, naturally, does not react, which slowly dawns on Naofumi that they don’t care…
Wanderer2691: And so, the true unfairness of this world shows itself again, as Naofumi realizes the Shield Hero will inevitably be beaten down no matter how unfair, and this system will always side with the Three Heroes and Malty over him…
...it’s just too bad for our sympathy that we happen to agree with Aultcray - Naofumi cheated first.
(https://www.lambiek.net/artists/p/prohias_antonio.htm)
Leliel: Let’s add a bit of dialogue to this scene:
“Everyone saw it, right!?”, Naofumi screamed at the audience-
And the Spear Hero was laughing. “Oh man! Oh man, that’s rich coming from you, Shield. Everyone was behaving fairly, using all the resources they brought with them!”
Naofumi sputtered - and stopped, when he saw what Motoyasu had in hand.
A Balloon skin.
“Don’t you get it?”, he said, with the smugness of vindication. “Myne knew someone like you would probably cheat and use something else instead of just your spells, so she chose to watch us as insurance. When you decided to ‘focus on my head or my crotch’, she realized she had to step in for her party member, for which I am very grateful.”
Naofumi’s jaw dropped. “B…but…I had nothing else!”
“Yes…” Motoyasu’s gaze turned cold. “Because you rely on a slave to fight for you, rather than risk yourself, and so you can’t duel one-on-one worth shit, so you rely on monsters to pick up the slack. That, Naofumi, is a ‘you’ problem.”
Now, this doesn’t change the fact that Naofumi was deliberately put at a disadvantage, but this show is very loudly trying to draw away from the fact that up until Malty got involved, Naofumi was reveling in being a cheat. It’s only when the tables are turned on him that it’s proof of how corrupt this kingdom is. Because now it affects him.
Yukiko: Now, if that was brought up - then one could explore just how insidious a lot of ideas about honor are. Like, I think poison’s the tool of reckless cowards, but the idea that it’s evil because it’s ‘dishonorable’ doesn’t come from the fact that envenoming the wrong thing is likely going to kill innocents - it’s dishonorable because that means you don’t need to know your way around a sword to kill a big, tough opponent who is better-equipped than you, and that makes warrior aristocrats who have power by beating up peasants very nervous. But in this show? In this show, we are repeatedly subject to Poor Pitiful Naofumi, and the fact he cheated and was planning to feed Motoyasu’s testacles to a Jack o’ Lantern when he was at Naofumi’s mercy is stuffed in a memory hole, because the show doesn’t want its target audience to feel like their spite might be a bad thing that sabotages them. That’d be uncomfortable. So I’m awarding this five points in two categories, for Naofumi’s hypocrisy and the show moving heaven and earth to make sure we don’t notice he’s the guy who tried to mutilate a hero for trying to free his battle thrall.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 180
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 122
Anne: So, Aultcray declares Motoyasu the winner, and after Malty hugs him, we get this…
{MYNE} It really is such a shame that you'll have to go back to fighting all by yourself. {Cackling laugh}
Chie: *Malty* “Everything is going just as I planned! …to where I don’t know, I just really don’t like the Shield Hero for reasons that definitely aren’t based around angry otaku being turned down by pretty girls!”
RED MENACE: 60
And we also get a reveal we kinda spoiled up front…
Leliel: Yep. This is officially where it all comes together for Naofumi, and he realizes it’s not just Shield prejudice, but Aultcray helping his daughter forge facts and fudge it - and that she might well have just been planning to send him up the rivel all along to get in good with Motoyasu, rape accusation and all. However, it’s what he decides must have been what Malty was whispering to Motoyasu that promptly stops me sympathizing with being the victim of a ploy…
{MALTY} I know that the Shield Hero has forced that poor girl to be his slave. You must save her.
[MOTOYASU gasps]
Anne: …or, as everyone else calls it, “a pretty good descriptor of the facts”, what with how you bought her off Beloukas, dipshit. You might well not have actually put her in cuffs, but it’s your blood in the seal used as a shock collar. So yeah, the embodiment of all evil that has boobs is telling the truth. Hey, Motoyasu, does that spear have a bonus to attacking asshats?
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 181
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 139
Yukiko: Hm. Do I want to see a hypocritical, self-centered slaver suffer…MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Anne: [Plays thunder noises on her phone] …it seemed necessary.
Chie: While Naofumi’s ranting, the Shield’s gem starts releasing a…very nasty-looking green smoke that isn’t convincing me that thing isn’t evil…
{NAOFUMI} You wanted it! You summoned me here! So why are they doing this to me?
Leliel: …hey, you got “flashback noises” on that thing, Anne? I need to bring up the script from Episode 1.
Anne: I do indeed!
[NAOFUMI] Whatever. If I'm too weak, I can just rely on my party. And if I'm lucky, it might even have some girls in it. The shield's role should be to defend the party and thwart enemy attacks, right? And while my love life back home was lacking, here I might just meet "the one.”
Chie: Yeah, you may not have “wanted” it, but you certainly didn’t protest until things went sideways. While I get why you want to leave after Malty and Aultcray ruined your life, I get the sense that the show is trying to pretend the idealistic, fun-loving Naofumi didn’t exist…and so the only reason he’s bitter now is that things went wrong. Need we remind you: Family. Back. Home.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 182
Wanderer2691: While he’s grousing to himself, and the smoke turns ever darker, the nobles in the stands celebrate Raphtalia’s freedom, suddenly not caring she’s a demihuman that is often enslaved-
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 87
-and they should have never summoned the Shield Hero, or executed him. Which does nothing to make me ignore the fact they haven’t already, in spite of rape being a capital offense here!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 88
Anne: At that point, Naofumi just cracks and starts screaming, wanting very badly to get rid of the Shield, which has caused him nothing but pain. Unfortunately for us, he can’t get that wish without a title change - but it’s still funny to watch:
Yukiko: Snrk! He just…he piledrived his own shield! Overwrought, much?
Chie: And then…well, we get a masterclass in manipulation. See, we haven’t specified where Raphtalia is in all this, and her current circumstances. Well, that’s because the show really, really wants us to think she’s more of a captive being fought for by Motoyasu than a slave. As evinced by…well, a gag.
Yukiko: …to make this entirely clear: The girl who Motoyasu is attempting to free, in this fight, is bound, gagged, and chained, as opposed to the freedom of movement she had as a gladiatrix with a shock collar tattoo on. In addition, the music used here is very SAD, capital letters required. Lonely violins, melancholic drone, minor key and all that. All to emphasize that in Shield Hero’s world, the most rational and realistically accurate position is held by fucking George Orwell villains.
(https://www.desertcart.com.eg/products/39427884-ingsoc-war-is-peace-freedom-is-slavery-ignorance-is-strength-red-poster-12-x-18)
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 140
Anne: And we also get a vision of Glorious Naofumi-o-vision, in Technicolor. And how he sees the world and Raphtalia in particular:
Wanderer2691: Yep. He still sees her as her true age, the meek and broken pre-teen, and moreover, he sees her simply following along with Malty after the black-robed priest uses a potion on her that dissolves her slave crest altogether.
Leliel: Aww. Poor widdle Shield is bweing weft behwhind by hwis daughteru, uwu. Feel swowwy for him, he newah asked for this, TwT. The show certainly is driving it in. And it’s successful, I nearly forgot that this is A FUCKING SLAVE HAVING A SHOCK COLLAR REMOVED AND HER MASTER BEING UPSET ABOUT HOW HE CAN’T HAVE HER FORCED COMPANY ANYMORE HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?!
Stains: [Spit out a couple bubbles]
Anne: …yeah, whatever that is definitely isn’t just water…but holy shit. This is…this is something else. This is some of the most blatantly manipulative cinematography I have ever seen. And when it comes down to it, the reason Naofumi is sure Raphtalia’s going to leave him to be with Malty and Motoyasu is because he’s pretty sure the only reason she sticks around is the slave crest. In other words, that she’s only with him because it’s impossibly painful to be otherwise. Said Raphtalia, by the way, is his adopted daughter, as he perceives her. Gee, with that attitude, I can’t see why he’s afraid of that. Ten points, both relevant categories!
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 150
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 192
Chie: So, Naofumi finishes his breakdown, and decides that he wants the world to die for all he cares - yeah, really selling me on you being a good guy, even if you’re at the point I feel it’s just words made in anger - and then we get a particular screen as the gem on the Shield starts to ignite…
Anne: … “Curse series.” That…does not sound good at all…
Wanderer2691: It really isn’t - basically, the Curse Series is a planned failure state for the Legendary Weapons to keep their wielders functional, if only through negative emotion. And straight from the Wiki:
Yukiko: [Eyebrow raised almost up off her forehead.] The holy weapons of legend, the protector tools of the world…have a failsafe based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Literally the Christian idea of the seven modes of thought that drive people to self-centered and destructive behavior. As a failsafe.
Anne: And not just a failsafe. A failsafe meant for them to be driven to a state where their basic reactions are Kill, Kill, Kill. Or roughly equivalent. So they can keep fighting. Uh-huh. Yeah. Definitely heroic weapons. Not at all making me relieved I got powers from something called a Calamity Box, nope. I certainly missed out on having both nearly-apocalyptic magic power and it literally bringing out the worst of my personality. Though, what even did he unlock?
Leliel: Well, you’d think, theologically, it’d be the Sloth Shield (despair, aggressive apathy, and resentment driving self-absorption) or the Envy Shield (desire to have the security that he’s been denied, paranoia, and self-loathing), or if you want a real deep cut, the Vainglory Shield as the Eighth Deadly Sin (desire to be perceived as something you are not), but no, it’s Wrath Shield. Which is, besides being incredibly cliche and basic for a Deadly Sins-themed hero to have when I’ve seen it used (because it promotes BIG STRONG MANLY RAGE, GRR, natch), also pretty key to what I think is the core power fantasy Naofumi appeals to - which will be for after this episode, but frankly, Wrath is the kind of sin a certain kind of garbage man refuses to see as a sin. I will note, however, that here, apparently what got Naofumi so angry he actively wants to destroy things, as implied by Wrath, is the unfairness inherent to losing a slave. Allow me to properly sympathize with him.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 193
Yukiko: Unfortunately, we are denied seeing the pyromancer bards from before turning the Wrath Shield’s flames back on themselves, when the show decides to embrace the power of Stockholm Syndrome, I mean found family, when in the real world Raphtalia slaps Motoyasu.
Chie: [Groan] Here we go…again. Get the button, I already have one for slapping the guy who freed her for daring to have insurance against Naofumi making Spear Brand Pumpkin Feed Nut Mix…holy shit, Yukiko and Yosuke are rubbing off…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 151
{MALTY} Don't! Sir Motoyasu set you free!
{RAPHTALIA} I never asked anyone to free me. I was with Naofumi by choice!
Anne: *Raphtalia* “The fact that I had a mystic shock collar partly made from his blood applied before I traveled with him had absolutely no bearing on that decision!”
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 152
{MOTOYASU} But wait a second. I thought he was abusing you and that he was treating you badly.
Yukiko: Well, yes, but you are a Designated Wrong Person and reality retconned itself to make everything you said untrue. Actually, try expressing how distrustful you are of Malty, I wanna see what happens when a universe’s head explodes.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 153
{RAPHTALIA} You obviously know nothing about Master Naofumi.
Wanderer2691: *Motoyasu* “What, that he’s a sour, violent, bitter, and self-pitying whiner who thinks he needs a magical agonizer to make sure his supposed friends will stick around him?”
Anne: *Raphtalia* “...okay, that was pretty good.”
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 154
[MOTOYASU gasps]
[RAPHTALIA] He never abused me and he never made me do anything I couldn't do!
Chie: Against all laws of psychological probability, at the end of a mystical whip…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 155
{RAPHTALIA} He activated the curse when I was too scared to fight. He did it to protect both of us.
Leliel: Because he was too much of a dumbass to avoid the dog and the show bends over backwards to excuse corporal punishment - and last I checked, you only fought after he deactivated the curse. Are you trying to gaslight the audience or yourself?
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 156
[MOTOYASU grunts] And that's the problem! Nobody should ever be forced into a fight!
Wanderer2691: An extremely astute observation. However, Motoyasu, this show has clearly drawn Naofumi as the Chad, and you as the Scary Stu, so ipso facto, it totally won and doesn’t look like it is doing ad hominem rather than actually engage with the argument at all. Checkmate, abolitionists.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 157
[RAPHTALIA] Master Naofumi can't use any weapons! The Shield defends, so someone has to fight for him!
Chie: [Opens mouth]
{MOTOYASU}But you don't have to be that person. Don't you know he'll put you in danger every time?
Chie: You know, it’s always kind of weird when the show sporks itself…and thinks it’s defending itself…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 158
[RAPHTALIA] Master Naofumi defends me! We work as a team and he always lets me rest when I'm tired!
Anne: Oh, so you mean he sometimes rests too and knows that he needs to keep his gladiatrix in top shape. Pull the other foot, it’s got bells on.
Yukiko: [Confused look, glances at leg]
Anne: Figure of speech!
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 159
Leliel: *Motoyasu* “...and even if he is, why does it matter? He still has a rune on you that zaps you without his input!” And as a personal note, note how shocked Motoyasu is drawn here. This show is sparing no expense in trying to convince you that Motoyasu is imperfect, so literally nothing he says is true on an emotional level. Like a lot of propaganda. I refer to the Ingsoc poster.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 160
{RAPHTALIA} Well you should think about this. He was ready and willing to help a sick, diseased slave who was on the verge of death. Master Naofumi fed me every day--healthy, nourishing food. Anything I wanted! Not only that, he gave me valuable medicines and treatments, and they cured my illness! Are you capable of such kindness?!
Yukiko: *Motoyasu, In A Better Series* “Well, actually no, I’m pretty bad with money. I don’t think I’d be as good at protecting and preserving a moderately expensive investment.”
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 165 (One for each clause.)
[MOTOYASU] O-Of course I am.
[RAPHTALIA] If that were true, you'd have someone loyal by your side, too, instead of that two-faced princess!
Wanderer2691: …so by that logic, since Malty was part of Naofumi’s party, he’s not truly capable of such kindness either. Yeah, this is obvious bullshit logic, which is more than I can say for this half-truth prattle.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 166
{MALTY} --Excuse me...? --How dare you say such things! Take that back, you damned demi-human!
Chie: [Throws up her hands] And now, thanks to your racism, we’re going to change subjects before Motoyasu has a chance to realize it’s bullshit! Great going, I have more reasons to hate you other than you being a plot-mandated dumbass!
RED MENACE: 61
Leliel: [Long moan of the damned that echoes weirdly loudly as the stains grow more wet-looking] Does anyone mind if we try to summarize the rest!?
Yukiko: Absolutely not. My brain is already trying to gnaw its way out of my skull to sweet freedom…
Leliel: Excellent! Okay, so Malty raising her voice draws the attention of Ren and Itsuki, who weren’t in on the cheating scheme and-
-motherfucker, I just realized why this franchise thinks Itsuki is redeemable while Motoyasu isn’t! He occasionally stans for Naofumi! ARGH!
Stains: [Start to turn a bloody pink color]
Wanderer2691: Okay, before whatever weird alien demon goop thing is in that clean job attacks us, or my co-sporker has an aneurysm, basically Ren points out that there was illegal interference, even though it was hard to see - please ignore the big purple-pink honking battle aura around Malty’s hand as she does an obvious gesture to summon it in response to Naofumi using literal monsters as help-
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 124 (One for claiming the obvious spell was hard to see, another for loudly ignoring the Balloons and what Naofumi was planning on having them do to Motoyasu.)
-both Itsuki and Ren realize that the nobles are keeping quiet on Aultcray’s orders and call him and Malty out for interfering to fudge the duel, and completely coincidentally help Naofumi weasel out of a bad situation where people were calling for execution. Because suddenly they like him as soon as it’s less inconvenient to the plot.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 125
Anne: And in a shot I’m sure won’t go anywhere at all, we see a priest and the Totes Not Evil Three Heroes Pope conferring:
Leliel: [Inhales, stabilizing his rage] …I’m pretty sure this is the actual start of events later in the series. Which was caused by two of the three Cardinal Heroes being nice to Naofumi. Don’t you just pity him?!
Chie: Anyway, away from the rage of the increasingly less sane sporker, we have Raphtalia approaching Naofumi gently, as he’s in full self-pity woe-is-me I-hate-having-this-shield mode, not helped by the Shield releasing Wrath flames, which I’m pretty sure aren’t helping, particularly given how he has angry red lines on his face too.
Anne: …I swear, that thing’s a cousin of Stormbringer - someone should check Ren’s sword, see if it sometimes turns black, rune-covered, and prone to laughing madly whenever slaughtering people.
Yukiko: You know, you’re going to have to explain that - anyway! She basically coaches him through his breakdown, heaping a bunch of praise on him that’s basically a repetition of everything we heard from her apologetics to Motoyasu - fuck it, we aren’t counting how many we did, we’ll just jack it up by ten.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 176
And besides that, she also brings up the fact he helped the villagers through the Wave, even if it wasn’t entirely altruistic, which I agree with - the issue is that it’s used to support her point he’s a good master, which is a contradiction in terms for a slave owner.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 177
Wanderer2691: But in any case, the flames die down, Naofumi’s kid-o-vision ceases, and he finally realizes Raphtalia is an adult - according to the script - and he snaps out of it, walking off with Raphtalia. A completely confused Motoyasu wonders WTF and thinks Raphtalia might still be brainwashed, to which Itsuki replies…
Leliel: [Takes a gander at Itsuki’s future actions] Uh, yeah, I think if the malignant narcissist is saying that a relationship obviously looks healthy and mutually supportive, that’s the moment you should be calling a therapist. Icing on the cake - Motoyasu is objectively right to wonder this, this is very much the kind of behavior you’d expect in the post-meltdown honeymoon phase of an abusive relationship. Which is a form of brainwashing.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 67 (This show thinks this is a humanizing moment. As evinced by this is the only time we hit this count, when Motoyasu was the designated antagonist of this episode, this show is full of shit.)
Yukiko: And in the ending scenes, we get Naofumi and Raphtalia looking over the capital city at dawn, his taste restored to enjoy some leftovers as he realized someone cares about him, and Raphtalia confirms that leveling up as a child means demihumans have accelerated growth, and that’s why “we are seen as unnatural creatures, always abused and discriminated against.” Which isn’t how discrimination really works, there’s generally a more cynical socioeconomic reason behind that kind of discrimination, slavery especially, but okay.
Chie: And so Naofumi finally allows himself to accept Raphtalia’s a grown woman and peer now, ready to embark on a new journey together into the future. Happy and supportive, with Raphtalia attending to his every emotional need. How wonderful, especially with all the sweet romantic undertones…
…
(https://media1.tenor.com/m/uuiFFfwjoS4AAAAd/vomiting-ill.gif)
Wanderer2691: SHE. IS FUCKING. TEN. YEARS. OLD. AND SHE. IS ACTING. MATERNAL. TO. HER OWNER.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 72 (Pretty key to her future characterization, also it’s just fractally gross.)
I. HATE. THIS. SHOW.
Stains: [Turn even more pink as Chie’s vomit reaches them]
Yukiko: [Hands her girlfriend a Dokudami Tea] While I’m cleaning this up - Anne, mind explaining the reference? I think Leliel might be able to add to it.
Anne: With pleasure!
(https://stormbringer.fandom.com/wiki/Stormbringer)
Anne: Marcy introduced me to this while she was trying to show how she felt during her evil turn, and I immediately liked it as kind of applicable to people I knew in Amphibia and - well, it’s cool in a scary way. Stormbringer is the main weapon of Elric of Melnibone, main character of a series of novels made by classic sci-fi and fantasy author Michael Moorcock. If you’re wondering why Dungeons and Dragons has Law and Chaos as cosmic alignments, it’s because the idea came from him - as did the refinement that Good and Evil are separate things, because left to their own devices, Law and Chaos are assholes. Humans have a tendency to prefer Law wherever we show up in the multiverse, because Law also includes things like recognizing right and wrong or fairness, but extremity turns you into a fun-hating fascist that would freeze the world into stasis just to stop things changing and possibly going wrong, and Chaos - well, Chaos doesn’t care to begin with, and often does wrong to annoy Law. Elric’s a member of a naturally Chaos-aligned people, the dragon-descended Melniboneans, and is actually the emperor of their last city - not that it matters, because besides Meniboneans being self-absorbed jerks as a rule (their Chaotic-tinted natures means they have emotions closer to those of cats than we social ape people, and they actively avoid learning how to have a conscience), generations of inbreeding made it so Elric kinda hit the worst numbers in the genetic lottery - albinism is the least of his health issues.
(https://stormbringer.fandom.com/wiki/Elric_of_Melniboné)
Wanderer2691: Add that to the fact that, accidentally, his abusive father did teach Elric a conscience, albeit a shaky one, and other Melniboneans thumb their noses at him, at best. Which made him an ideal candidate for his world’s Eternal Champion, the representative of Balance in the Multiverse, who is often incarnated into a world to correct an excess of Law or Chaos that isn’t naturally correcting itself…and he wishes he wasn’t. Being an aspect of the Champion sucks due to the fact that the kind of imbalance that provokes an incarnation makes an apocalypse all but necessary, and so they’re almost always at least personally tragic - the Balance’s demands means the Champion can never love, never rest, never even truly die (though most, at least, retire in the multiversal utopia of Tanelorn, where they can at least take a vacation between crises). For Elric, it’s even worse, because his own people are part of the imbalance - they can’t survive the turning of the age that he heralds.
Anne: And that ties into Stormbringer, an aspect of the Black Blade that other Eternal Champions wield…which actively hates them as part of its nature to force them to destroy the world as they know it. In the case of Stormbringer, it is actually a powerful demonic Lord of Chaos in sword form, personifying bloodthirst and hunger - and spurs its wielder to kill all that which they hate and love, so that all they can do is fight and focus on nothing but fighting. It’s a perfect weapon - one scratch, and it can rip the soul out of someone it wounded and use the life force to empower its wielder, as one of its basic abilities - but it knows Elric relies on it to actually live without a constant series of medicinal doses, let alone fight, and gleefully and blatantly taunts him with how much he needs it even as it’s driving him on.
(https://stormbringer.fandom.com/wiki/Stormbringer)
Honestly, if you see an evil weapon that almost certainly has a mind of its own in Western fiction and fiction inspired by it? You’re thinking of something inspired, at least distantly, by Stormbringer. Something its wielder needs, but desperately wishes he didn’t, as it brings out the worst in him…
Sort of like, I don’t know, a Shield of Wrath that’s clearly provoking Naofumi to get ever angrier when he’s beaten down.
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Curse_Series/Weapon_List#Wrath_Series)
Leliel: And here’s where I come in with how this all links to Shield Hero - quite simply, I think that Rising of the Shield Hero bumblefucked into what Stormbringer is conceptually mocking, a weapon that inherently makes you godlike and special, without actually working for it (with Elric himself being a mockery of several sword-and-sorcery tropes at the time). Except especially insidious, as the show is attempting to convince us with this whole ‘I hate the Shield’ business, combined with Raphtalia’s pep talk (I skipped over it, but she focuses on how Naofumi used the Shield to save a lot of people) is essentially acknowledging the Legendary Shield is a massive burden - but in a way that makes Naofumi more of Teh Awesmoe Heroh by trying to hype him up as someone willing to accept the agony for others…all while slipping in the Wrath Shield and hoping you don’t notice it’s actively making him worse.
Wanderer2691: You forgot something - actively making him worse until Da Bestest Waifu, Raphtalia, brought him out of it through the power of love-according-to-this-series, and so making her even more of a prize. And looking at the wiki, he’s the only one in the current run of the Light Novels so far to “master” the Curse Series and awaken its positive emotion-powered counterpart, the Bless Series. Except he didn’t, that was due to the self-sacrifice of a different slave he purchased long after this arc to force that “Shield of Compassion” to awaken, and while Curse Series seem a dime a dozen among more powerful heroes, the description implies they emotions that might lead to awakening the Bless Series, like the Wrath Shield muting empathy (citation: https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Bless_Series). We think the franchise wants us to think Naofumi is Just That Awesome…but the circumstances imply the Curse Series actively tries to stop the Bless Series from awakening, and thus rebalancing their wielders. Basically, it comes off like there’s a Secret Evil Switch in the Legendary Weapons meant to latch into the Heroes when they’re down and bring out the worst in them to drive them to fight - an entire multiversal arsenal of Stormbringers. Ain’t that a pleasant thought?
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CosmicHorrorReveal)
Leliel: And here’s the thing - that sounds cool! Hell, one could even have a really idealistic, life-affirming story if it’s revealed the Legendary Weapons are meant to be tools of endless war and destruction. Because another theme of FullMetal Alchemist, in the manga and Brotherhood, is that the Seven Deadly Sins are ultimately not evil in and of themselves; they’re dark thoughts everyone has, and trying to deny them just makes them grow warped and stronger, but engaging with them leads to personal growth as you understand the core reasons for them. It’s most blatant with Greed and his arc, as we quickly realize the reason he’s a rogue homunculus is that, unlike his siblings, he’s not satisfied with being able to bully others from a position of strength, for greed as a concept implies both the ability to want value and assign value - but I digress, earmarking that rant for after the full reveal of the Wrath Shield. But this show doesn’t do that. It doesn’t want that, because the people that Naofumi is trying to appeal to as a power fantasy don’t want to be told that too much wrath and anger is bad for them.
(https://mocostudent.org/2020/03/toxic-masculinity-creates-a-vicious-cycle-of-insecurity-and-abuse-but-it-can-be-stopped/)
The concept “toxic masculinity” gets thrown around a lot, but thinking about how Naofumi is presented - I’m not sure there’s any other way to describe how he acts or what his pressession is. He starts off as a rather okay, affable guy, a bit naive but well-meaning - and then he gets stabbed in the back by the Ultimate Evil Woman, Malty, becomes paranoid and distrustful, and from that point, becomes a stoic wanderer who constantly downplays his noble traits and only does things for others if he feels it’s his duty or he has something of a reward promised, but can easily be talked down from overcharging. Faced with trusting others, he reverts to slavery and a shock collar for fear of being used again, and said slaves inevitably come to be personally loyal and willingly wear it to show their trustworthiness, and that paranoia gets him Raphtalia, the ultimate submissive wife-sister-child-mother-whatever figure in the process, who makes sure the corruptive power of the Wrath Shield never gets overwhelming. When we actually see the Wrath Shield, we find it regularly saves Naofumi’s ass, but before it can hurt or corrupt him, his found-family-he-bought bring him out of the destructive rages it sends him into, meaning he always wins without much cost due to not only his anger, but uncritical acceptance of his anger. In other words, the anger, stoicism, and benevolent sexism and patriarchy of his post-Malty social relationships are an unambiguous positive. If this had more of a toxic masculine overtone, I’d be calling in the hazardous materials guys to safely dispose of the carcinogenic levels of testosterone!
Wanderer2691: And to a certain kind of gross nerd culture, this is affirming. Validating. Comforting - because it is basically telling them that they, too, can be this ideal of manhood that they’ve been sold on their whole lives while remaining fundamentally geeky and enjoying the fantasy of being a chosen hero. Except this idea of manhood itself is suspect - constantly subhorning all your emotions to anger, forcing women to help you through your emotional crises, viewing all relationships as transactional, and literally forcing people to pretend they like you so you feel safe trusting them…at best, it’s a great way to charge into emotional burnout from the stress. At worst, it makes you…well, a monster. A villain. Re:Zero does this better, as it does with most things Rising of the Shield Hero attempts - what breaks Subaru out of his initial sucky loop of constantly being murdered by bandits was calling for help rather than trying to outlast them while learning their fighting style across loops…and a what-if story shows that if he did try to loop his way to victory alone, the toxic behaviors he learned would turn him into the main antagonist of the franchise. One who was only capable of being beaten because after looping so constantly to win by endurance, he’s so broken by exhaustion and loneliness that some part of him wants to die. Which really explains a lot of the hate some have of him, because that’s basically walking up to the toxic ideal of manhood, spitting in his eye, and telling him that you’re entirely sure he’s condemned himself to an early death with all the steroid abuse he’s clearly done.
Leliel: And that, friends, is why I think that the “Legendary Weapons are Evil” plotline was never even considered in spite of the worldbuilding implying so and being perfect for it - because like I said, Moorcock always intended Stormbringer to be a satire of “legendary weapons that make their wielders special”, I think there’s quotes to that effect. It does, but at the same time it actively forces you to become a miserable, tragic figure that constantly subverts your will in the name of being an ever-better warrior with no capacity to be anything else. To the mind of toxic masculinity, this is roughly akin to stating your penis is plotting against you - if you have a sword, you have Strength and Power and Macho, please ignore that, unlike a dinky little knife, hurting people is all it’s good at. While Naofumi has a shield, I can’t help but notice even here, he often doesn’t actually use it as such, not even in the sense of turning the strength of others against them - and in fact, he used Balloons when faced with lacking as much offensive power, almost like he doesn’t have confidence in it without aggressive hurting power. And the show sweeps that under the table, because the whole driver here was that without his gladiatrix, Naofumi is useless, and that was what Malty intended. Because the Shield isn’t his sword, Raphtalia is - explicitly so, she regularly calls herself that. In other words, this whole episode was about Naofumi clinging on to his substitute penis - and said substitute penis happens to be a female slave, viewed by the show as an object to be won. Do you see the issue here?
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 138
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 243
Big ol’ fifty to both, because of how this entire multiversal system is set up to avoid asking any awkward questions it might raise because it might offend very loud people online, and how it’s meant, ultimately, to make Naofumi, and the audience, think that the most blatant and obvious character flaw of all, quickness to anger and expecting others to clean up for you, is admirable. Fuck that noise - when it comes down to it, Naofumi isn’t the main character of Django Unchained, he’s what the heroes of that flick want to kill.
Wanderer2691: Speaking of, how’s the vomit coming along?
Chie: [Recovered, but staring at very pink stains uncomfortably) Uh…the vomit’s gone, but I’m not sure it’s safe to touch…whatever those are. So they stay, but…I’m gonna step away from those…
Stains: [Glow softly]
Leliel: Yeah…just gonna dial up the hazardous team while the next-what do you mean, no service?! [Sigh] We’ll get it later…what’s on the menu next?
Leliel: …oh look at the time damn looks like we’ll have to continue the sporking next time guys see you ‘round! [Tries to run off, is tripped by Yukiko]
Yukiko: If it is that painful, we’re doing it now. Especially because I would really like to know what those stains are.
Leliel: [Grumbles, gets up] Fine. If you want to subject yourself to agony, I’ll be happy to suffer with you. So, we open on a…hoo boy, this is going to lead to discussions…
Anne: …the dressing? I see a woman being clothed by maids. She’s rich, but-
Wanderer2691: Everyone, meet the supposed actual holder of power in Melromarc, and living Get Out Of Jail Free Card after she makes a more full appearance and is formally introduced, Queen Mirellia Q Melromarc. Aultcray’s wife, and actual sovereign, despite the lack of a regnal number.
Anne: …oh. She doesn’t…do much good, does she…
Leliel: Not really - as we’ll see, she mostly exists to serve as an excuse on the political side to protect our precious self-insert…and nothing else. In spite of the fact she could probably solve about 85% of the social issues personally, and has the motive to do so…except of course, for slavery, because that’s something the self-insert uses! Trust me, she might be one of the most useless, passive, and often outright asshole rulers in fiction, and makes many kings actively written to be incompetent lunatics look like saints with the political acumen that would make Niccolo Machiavelli weep with pride. But since she’s ostensibly on the side of our hero, this show’s lips are thoroughly attached to her rear. Believe me, Mirellia existing - and certain actions later in the series - singlehandedly gives a Malty dark backstory that almost excuses her actions and makes her a figure of pity, and might want to start a support group with Azula for scheming princesses with oh-god-why levels of parental issues.
Chie: That…ominous rant aside, she’s mostly harmless in this scene, talking with a woman in a mask, who were later learn is called a Shadow (of the Crown, natch - they’re spies) about the news from Melromarc.
Wanderer2691: Mostly is not entirely, because we get two very notable aspects of who she is right here and now. Ahem:
[MIRELLIA] Is that what the king has been up to?
Anne: Uh…aren’t you the actual sovereign? And even if you weren’t, Malty isn’t queen yet, so a message from you to her and him to cut shit out would easily-
[MIRELLIA] How is the Shield Hero holding up?
{SHADOW} He procured a demi-human girl from a sl*ve trader a while ago.
[MIRELLIA] Is that so?
[Beat]
Anne: …Please tell me she’s being sarcastic or relieved she’ll be able to emphasize the Shield Devil is horrible easily with that tidbit?
Wanderer2691: We sincerely wish we could. Mircellia hates the Church of the Three Heroes and is laboring under the same delusion Raphtalia is that the Shield is meant to protect demihumans, which she allegedly sympathizes with. She’s giving her genuine relief that Naofumi bought a friend.
Anne: Ah. So, basically, she approves of this bullshit on some level and is likely plotting world domination as we speak.
Leliel: Except, of course, when it’d make Naofumi look secure enough to, I dunno, not do slavery!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARD-
Leliel: Actually, given how this is something she’d be entirely expected to do in order to rein in her husband, the weaker side of the royal couple in this supposed matriarchy? Fuck it, we ball! New subcount!
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 139
This subcount of WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD, named by (and used with permission of) LanWan on Discord when I asked for ideas, will be used whenever this supposed matriarchy looks suspiciously patriarchal, in both a cultural and political sense - as well as a good descriptor of Queen Useless and her inability to actually use her political power in any direct way up there, and what Naofumi does to his slave totes-not-a-harem.
Yukiko: In fact, now that it’s official…backpoints! The Pope looks awfully male for a female-led country’s religion, and all shopkeepers we’ve seen so far are also guys, and I haven’t seen a single girl in armor or male musicians in fanservicey outfits in the party. So, because the Pope is a really important position and to cover the sausage fest, fifty more points!
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 189
Wanderer2691: We’re also going to use this whenever Mirella does something moronic or counter to her supposed ideas, both because we hate her and also because it shows her suborning her interests to the all-male Cardinal Heroes, including Naofumi, or her husband, who supposedly rules in her absence at her sufferance. Great backbone, Your Highness, certainly one I’d trust in a leader in a crisis. You know, if your tacit approval of slavery of people you respect didn’t already make the Robespierre Option look appealing:
Leliel: Thankfully, our time with the female version of Louis XIV here isn’t long, and mostly just her reflecting on some diplomatic ripples made by summoning the Four Heroes that affect her mission to the country she’s in and telling the Shadow to get to work, and we pan out…
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Faubrey)
Anne: …you know. Leaving aside the fact that this has “yep, the Queen’s negotiating with the bad guys and their rapacious advanced industrial war machine” all over it - especially given the British-looking troopers - why, oh why does Melromarc not have this level of industrialization? If technology doesn’t conflict with magic, then why not have both, especially with whoever these people are doing so already?
Wanderer2691: Leaving aside a discussion on how technology is used to meet a need and what looks advanced to us isn’t necessarily the path technology takes - if you have universal magic, it’s entirely possible the world looks medieval because the advancement of spells to increase quality of life does not require industrial refineries and the like - this is Faubrey, and it is supposed to be that evil-seeming. Except, as we’ll see, Faubrey is such a nightmare for women that Mirella even being here to defuse tensions is somewhat cowardly and a betrayal of her gender…
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 190
…and later, a place to put Takt, basically Turbo-Motoyasu, so that Naofumi has a conveniently worse person to oppose. Thankfully, the anime has not reached that point yet at the time of this sporking, and Season 2 doesn’t cover it, so we will not need to think overmuch about this awful place, and it’s awful relevance to the plot, until the summary of important future events at the end.
Chie: This awful place, on the other hand…I’m gonna ask we summarize the best I can because…it’s basically a recap of the last episode. Which we just saw.
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 3
Yukiko: Gladly! So, basically, Aultcray tries to claim some sort of victory after Raphtalia did not play along with his scheme to cruelly free her to hurt Naofumi - which I don’t blame him for not expecting, as Aultcray has a brain - so he tries to charge Naofumi his 500 silver stipend for the price of breaking the slave crest spell. Itsuki and Ren, continuing to be what this show thinks are the “good heroes” out of the Three, really occasional Naofumi cheerleaders, step in.
[ITSUKI] Wait a second, that's not gonna fly. You were the one interfering in his duel, dispelling that...slave crest, or whatever you call it, and now you refuse to pay him what he deserves? That isn't exactly fair play.
{REN} Yeah, that's right. If you'd followed the rules, Naofumi clearly would've won the duel.
{MOTOYASU}: Wha--Are you crazy? I didn't lose!
Wanderer2691: This is objectively correct, good point - and also, if you followed the rules, no shit Naofumi would have won - he cheated.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 69 (This show thinks it should be one to the Spear Hero, but A), it’s wrong, it’s Ren and Itsuki sabotaging him in the name of the Stu, and B), we are not dignifying it with the Goofy Number by an action Motoyasu does when it really, really wants us to believe he’s a sexual creep. It doesn’t deserve us playing its game.)
Anne: And the show also does a really insidious thing here, when it, itself points out what Naofumi did as a cheat…
…spoken through the lips of the Red Menace herself, so as to make it seem like only Malty cares about little things like “Naofumi literally tricked Motoyasu into a situation where he was about to be forcefully de-faced and castrated by Balloons”, and the show tries to use Itsuki to say that it doesn’t count because Malty cheated with her gust. Please ignore that was in response to the aforementioned castration threat, which is conveniently edited out of the budget-saving episode flashback. Previous points stay due to this coming off like an ass-covering, with one extra for the blatant manipulation:
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 125 (Trying to wave away criticism by having the Incel Scarecrow doing this just makes it more obvious how the show is twisting coincidence.)
Chie: And also, aren’t the only ones arguing against this guys? Against the princess, of all supposedly-more-respected women?
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 190
Leliel: Also, giggling at the entirely unintentional foreshadowing that Itsuki’s probably the most objectively terrible Hero overall, even if Motoyasu’s a worse pervert. But Ren actually raises a good point that Naofumi did actually help people and keep casualties down to single digits, and it’d look bad to ignore that. Exactly why Aultcray gives him the time of day when everyone else in the room just loathes the Shield Devil as a concept and someone else who was far more acceptable is claiming credit is unspoken…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 126
…but he grudgingly listens and gives over the silver, and both Raphtalia and Naofumi happily vamoose the area, and after the opening we go along with them to…to…mother fucker, it’s this bullshit at last.
Yukiko: [Alarmed] Wait what-
Yukiko: …they did not.
{BELOUKAS} There we go! She now has one brand-new slave crest.
[NAOFUMI] There was no need to get another one, you know.
Yukiko: THERE REALLY WASN’T WHAT THE FUCK IS-
Yukiko: [stares silently, as a pot begins to steam whistle somewhere]
Wanderer2691: ‘Scuse me, gotta turn these on- [activates fire shutters around spork chamber and quickly doles out Magic Mirrors to reflect spells]
Yukiko:
Leliel: [Checks out scorches, and the apparently flame-loving stains, with nonplussed expression]
After Pyra, this is a two-for-two of pleasant fire-based women literally exploding. Maybe we should invest in a blast silo.
Wanderer2691: I dread the day you drag Toriel into this…
Yukiko: [Completely unaware of her Persona behind her, still spitting flame] I…this…just…what is even…DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS?! Do I need to exposit on how fucking toxic this is?! Literally putting a shock collar back on to show your devotion to a slave owner?! Which is her own idea?! And the soft, “romantic” music in regards to someone who is ten - how much more creepy can this get!?
Anne: [Slowly picks her jaw up] Was…was “obvious flirtation and tracking shot of boobs as Raphtalia literally shows off her slave crest like it’s a tattoo she’s proud of but Naofumi is distracted by the Shield actively giving him a new form for being a slaver on your list?
Yukiko: [Silently stares, aghast.] …I’m out. I’m fucking done. [Wheels on her chair towards the bathroom] I’m taking a break. Call me when this scene is over. Fuck you, and fuck this show.
Chie: Yuki…Yuki-! [Door slams shut] Dammit! And now the stains are definitely oozing - if those things react to negative emotion, well…they’re eating well. Not surprising that Yukiko’s the first to break, given how even inheriting an inn and a lot of money made her feel trapped by expectations for a bit…this is literally the antithesis of her.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 217
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 122
At least the 50-point buttons for plot crucial elements are working fine after the explosion.
Leliel: You’re welcome! But yeah, as if this couldn’t be worse…
[BELOUKAS] I'm amazed. You've helped this scrawny bag of bones grow so much in such a short span of time. You could get {twenty gold pieces} for her if she was a virgin!
Wanderer2691: …hey kids, here’s a fun game! Can you match the expression to each of the four sporkers currently not having a breakdown on the toilet?
(https://www.reddit.com/r/MemePiece/comments/ek69h1/new_shocked_faces/)
{RAPHTALIA}: But I am a virgin!
{BELOUKAS}: Thirty-five gold pieces!
Chie: [Turns green again] …does this show…know why virgins would be more valuable to even grosser slavers?
Anne: Given that whole rant about toxic masculinity catering…I’m thinking that isn’t a bug…
Leliel: That…lovely bit of creepiness out of the way, I’m also going to be pedantic and ask why female virginity is more valuable in this here matriarchy. Because female dominance also implies, oh yeah, assumed active sexuality. Along with literal sex trafficking of women being allowed at all when rape, implicity of male-on-female, is a capital offense. Did I mention I think Mirellia is maybe the worst and most incompetent authority figure in this show yet? Twenty points, for such a gross joke existing and being seemingly semi-serious.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 142
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 210
{NAOFUMI} Wow, 35 gold pieces.
Wanderer2691: And for you too for continuing it, you unfunny sexist douchebag!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 263
Leliel: Continuing on in the theme of “Beloukas is a scumfuck the show thinks is funny and useful”, Naofumi notices his “monster egg lottery”:
A hundred silvers gets you an unidentified egg, which contains at least an item for Square Enix to cite in the inevitable lawsuit - er, a filolial chick, and one has a dragon worth twenty gold. Which sounds suspiciously like - uh oh.
Leliel: …everyone DUCK!
Wanderer2691: …ga..chaaaAAAAAAAAH-
Chie: [Cautiously pokes head out from behind couch] Holy crap, where did you get that laser?!
Leliel: [Using extinguisher to put out fire in new hole in wall] Hate. He, uh, has a violent allergy to gacha in general. And given how we’ve been subjected to two episodes of Shield Hero, I suspect he reached some form of Nirvana of pure rage briefly and conjured that from the platonic idea of righteous wrath in the universal unconsciousness.
Anne: …well, at least it’s just a snark on how cynical and money-grubbing Beloukas is, he’s clearly not tempted-
[BELOUKAS] So, would you like to give it a shot? Act now and I'll give ya a package deal, sir! For that and the slave crest!
Anne: -oh right, Naofumi’s a moron. Silly me.
Wanderer2691: Honestly, this is probably unintentionally a good overview of how gacha games work and trick you. You were already paying for a different microtransaction, so they offer a discount on a pull that’s probably worth piss even in imaginary dollars, and once you discover the crap pull you’re motivated to pay for the full package to start again. On the one hand, I appreciate parting Naofumi from his money due to his shortsighted greed (yeah, he says it’s to help Raphtalia fight, but knowing gacha, a plain filolial’s probably more help if it slept out of the way of the fight), but on the other, of course he’s going to luck out because the plot says so - especially given the Horror that is in that egg. So, if you don’t mind me, I’m going to fry the Stress Zombie a few times with my new laser… [ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP…]
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 264
Chie: Thankfully, the next bit is just set up - hey Yuki! You can come out now!
Yukiko: [Moaning] Do I have to…[trudges out of the bathroom]
Anne: Yeah, sadly…but to summarize, as it turns out Lute had some relatives in the capital, who in thanks give Naofumi a recipe book for medicinal plants and a grimoire - aka, a spellbook. The magic shop lady also reveals Naofumi’s a natural with healing and support magic (though as seen, he’s been using weirdly aggressive versions) and Raphtalia has tanuki demihuman Light and Darkness magic, which ties into…illusions? I guess those both have to do with visions…not scorable items yet, but then she reveals crystal balls have spells preinstalled in this world, but her supply was brought out by Aultcray, who gave them to the other Three Heroes. The grimoire contains more magic, but you have to learn it - and Naofumi can’t read this world’s language. Apparently he can speak it just fine, if it’s not Japanese they’re speaking - while I can’t really hold myself over him, apparently Amphibia uses English itself and I know for a fact it wasn’t a translation spell, seems like kind of an oversight for the summoning spell to not get a written lexicon in there.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 211
Yukiko: And as one might expect, Raphtalia’s illiterate too, but given how there’s a month to the next wave, she and Naofumi decide to try and pick it up during the calm.
And sweet merciful heavens above, can you stop flirting with your slave master who is 10-some years older than you?! Gah!
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 143
Leliel: Thankfully, no more onscreen flirting happens for right now, as we cut to the next day, where the egg starts hatching and it becomes clear Naofumi isn’t great at probability math.
Chie: And here I was, expecting birds to have not grown feathers in the egg beyond downy fluff. I suppose that a fantasy totes-not-chocobo monster bird is different but - those are not comforting faces.
Leliel: The Horror…
Wanderer2691: She’s here. Just…just keep in mind these two lines about her…
[RAPHTALIA giggles] It must think you're its mother.
[NAOFUMI] Yeah. Imprinting, huh?
Leliel and Wanderer’s Minds:
[Both shiver in disgust, the slime mimicking them.]
Yukiko: …the siren call of the bathroom once again becoming audible aside, there’s a montage of the two days the chick grows, and with a speed only possible in a world that runs on JRPG rules, we get both a fully grown filolial and Naofumi being able to keep mounted on her competently when she’s dashing.
Anne: …this isn’t beating the Legally Distinct Chocobo allegations.
(https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Chocobo)
Particularly not in how adult filolial calls are, going by what she says, literally “Kewah!” (Script says “Gua!”, but that’s how the onomatopoeia hits us, as opposed to the transcriber. It’s still pretty close)
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 212
Wanderer2691: But, Naofumi thanks the bird’s adulthood a Growth Boost skill he got…offscreen…with the Beast Tamer’s Shield that was just seen in the stats screen…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 127 (It’d have been nice to have seen that instead of just being totes over a two-day montage where there’s no dialogue, and conveniently having the riding bird there for future use.)
…and not being the greatest namer in the world, just names her Filo.
Leliel: However, then they overhear the knights coming into the village, as escort for Motoyasu and company. Including, you guessed it, Malty.
Yukiko: …I don’t disagree with that particular song being here, and it’s a bit of a [snort]...stress relief, but are you going to post that every time the two of them drop in?
Leliel: I feel it’s appropriate for the level of oppressive menace they exert, versus what the show thinks they exert.
{MALTY}: […]has been appointed ruling lord of this region.
Chie: …uh, why? He’s a Chosen One, but still a mercenary; I can imagine Malty assuming control, and appointing him as her representative, but…wait. This is an attempt at making fun of other fantasy, isn’t it?
Wanderer2691: Pretty much. A good portion of games have a “homestead village” that you’re entrusted with, and in a lot of classic Dungeons And Dragons - which much of the Standard Japanese Fantasy Setting draws on - you’re expected to become the guardians or rulers of a small town that could become a kingdom, given its wargaming roots.
Yukiko: …which, naturally, is going to be ‘deconstructed’ here, but doesn’t at all explain how Aultcray was able to just cordon off Motoyasu into having lordship suddenly without some other local aristocrats very angrily charging in to demand why they just had a perfectly good village and its perfectly good renters suddenly cordoned off to the ultimate foreigner, Three Heroes Church or not. If this was something, I don’t know, the princess was doing, they’d be far more open to the idea to get in good with a royal, but even then you’d expect some agreements and shared custody. Heck, even in the case that some noble was donating it to Motoyasu out of sheer piety/desire to make the Church happy, you’d expect a stipulation to build a cathedral or three to show that yes, this is very much about the faith.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 213
Anne: …also, once again - Motoyasu is a dude. Why is this deeply status-obsessed matriarchy with a rigid social order - as shown by slaves and demihuman racism - not at all confused with a guy being a lord, suddenly?
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 214
{MALTY}: To help the rebuilding efforts, we've decided to levy a toll. This toll will be 50 silvers to enter the village and to exit.
Yukiko: …doesn’t a fairly good meal cost three coppers?
Leliel: It does, and for once, the insane pricing is acknowledged. Mostly because it makes Motoyasu look bad, but it is a legitimate issue, as Naofumi outlines - a night in the inn, food included, is a full silver, so entering and exiting is literally 100 nights worth in a place that is taking care of most of your needs, and Motoyasu is legitimately clueless.
Chie: Yeah, this is very clearly an issue where the Spear Guy is very much being a greedy dumbass. Remember, he may be the punching bag of the show for underhanded reasons using personal attacks in place of actual arguments, but sometimes, he just sucks - and sucks in so blatant a way we might hopefully forget he is entirely right about slavery.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 70
Anne: Though…Malty brings up a good point about Naofumi in the middle of this:
Anne: Seriously, why does everyone ignore this, and further, the fact it was attempted rape of Malty herself he’s accused of!? If she tried to blow him off a cliff with her magic, she’d have a lot of people arguing it was karma! Even though this is revealed to be the village of Lute and thus, most people here aren’t eager to kick out Naofumi, you’d expect the knights to make it official! Along with dozens of other reasons why attempted sexual assault of the princess is going to make your life hell when dealing with anyone official. To say nothing of this being a supposed matriarchy, I’d kind of expect Naofumi to face actual insults based on the perceived failures of his gender!
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 219 (One for each clause of that.)
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 128 (And one more for just…kinda letting Naofumi…be there. With the knights not realizing they can try to bully him off.)
Wanderer2691: Not that she’s secretly the hero or anything. Because when the villagers get unruly about the royal decree making Motoyasu Great Poo-Bah…
Anne: …preparing to send guys with spears against villagers for grumbling with that distinctly serial killer expression on her face. If this show hadn’t surgically removed Motoyasu’s brain, I wonder how that’d go over with him.
RED MENACE: 62
Yukiko: The bullet point on “Melromarc Revolution, Reasons for The” in the history textbook is averted, however, when the Shadow from before, along with an entourage, repels in and gives Malty a message from her mother…
Leliel: Whatever’s in there - wiki says it’s a message asking Malty to quit with the sudden appointment of Motoyasu for [insert reason here] - it really doesn’t sit well with her…
…and we get our first inkling of how utterly worthless Mircella is as queen. Because that implies that…whatever decree is in there, it’s apparently non-binding enough that Malty feels safe with trying to contest it with a duel or contest, as opposed to “no, shut up, you don’t get to just commandeer things.” Which is partly why she now shares a subcount with bad worldbuilding, as by all rights, Melromarc should be falling apart and we should see signs of rebels and contestors of the throne who smell weakness and feel obligated to take over and run things properly.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 220
Wanderer2691: Side note, Lels really hates the idea that the divine right of kings - read here, their family line - automatically makes you more competent than someone who has less inheritable claim to the throne…because usually in history, a loved ruler who didn’t technically have a right to the throne is suddenly found to have always had a claim, and new rulers always claim to be legitimate inheritors of old order in some way. An actual legit claim makes getting the throne in the first place (and usually more stable due to, well, legitimate inheritance), but medieval Europe was not stupid enough to think Bastardian the Beloved, first of his name, somehow did a worse job than Legimitimus the Baby Eater because his parentage is questionable. And as we will see, Mircella is quite possibly the best unintentional example of how being born to the throne often results in an outright vicious idiot for a queen, as it were.
Anne: But we digress. Naofumi doesn’t want to get involved, thinking this is all stupid, but the local lord mayor butts in…
{NOBLE}: Though it pains me to admit it, not even I, as the lord, can accept further taxation!
Yukiko: *Naofumi* “...then don’t? No contest, no stupid prize, especially without your consent.” … Except that also implies Mircella also isn’t exactly able-slash-willing to stop this stupid game, so Lute is a stupid prize. She certainly didn’t forbid it…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 222 (Considering it something of a more universal failure in law here than just Mircella having the administrative skills that result in the invention of guillotines, but two points for this being some kind of contest with official backing and recognition despite the queen’s disapproval and for the lord himself being unable to decide no, he’d rather not be part of this. That’s a recipe for brewing civil tension if I ever heard one.)
Wanderer2691: …though the actual reasoning isn’t exactly making Naofumi cover himself in glory. “Waaah, racing is too haaaaard, I’d rather let two people I hate play officially sponsored baaaaandiiiiiit!” Clearly that armor doesn’t have proper insulation, as Naofumi does not have his big boy pants on.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 265
Leliel: But, it seems like the villagers don’t have legal right to challenge a hero…no explanation as to why they just can’t not recognize the contest, still, especially with the Shadows right there to say that Mircella would not approve…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 223
But Filo makes the decision for them when she suddenly starts hissing at Motoyasu’s dragon, and the dragon starts glaring back. As Raphtalia reveals, filolials and dragons do not like each other one bit.
…and as a nitpick fueled by how Filo is The As Yet Hidden Horror and how this dragon looks like a proto-sapient Dragon King, which is a bit of Exalted I am quite fond of, I should note I took ornithology as part of my biology degree. Birds generally show aggression by puffing out their feathers and bobbing their heads a bit, not glaring. It’s a nitpick, so not worthy of a point, but given how…urp, parental imprinting seemed to work just fine - I feel that Filo should act like a bird in ways that don’t want me to drown myself in bleach.
Wanderer2691: Given how the wiki says it’s revealed filolials aren’t natural animals? I’m headcanoning this is a self-defense instinct due to dragons sensing the presence of life-warping alchemy that corrupts life and not liking the smell at all. Because fuck you, show, dragons are way cooler than your ripoff Sue Chocobos.
Ooze Stains: [Burble, crackle with energy]
Anne: …okay, next rant, I’m going to look up what that stuff is. But, finally pressured into it by Filo wanting to annoy a dragon and promise of a reward…yeah, very noble, Naofumi…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 266
…he finally agrees to race Motoyasu. However, as everyone is tacking up, Motoyasu decides to bully Naofumi a bit…
Yukiko: …yeah, okay, not defending him, he’s just being a prick here. Filo’s a ripoff, but I think the Spear Hero’s probably seen perfectly functional filolial mounts. He might be mocking Naofumi for riding a cart pony in his mind, but even that’s a bit iffy. It’s just… “birds are stupid”, apparently.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 71
Leliel: You have no idea how much we wished he stuck to that conviction…anyway, he rapidly discovers two things. One, Filo understands the local language well enough to pick up in insults, for another, there’s apparently secretary bird in the abomination of science that is the filolial genome:
Chie: Oooh, nice form! Though I wonder what she hit-
[Pales, looks away with all the others] …so. Uh, fun fact - did you know getting hit in the crotch is just as painful, if not more so, for girls? Guys just have…a larger target area, so it’s not as easy to hit a girl…there. Either way…ouch.
Anne: Yeah…I’d be amazed if Motoyasu is up for anything involving sitting after that. Though…somehow I don’t think Naofumi cares that his bird just might have removed Motoyasu’s ability to have children…
Yukiko: …of course not. What did you expect him to do, show compassion to the person who tried to take his property - er, mocked his bird? And lovely thing you’re teaching Filo there. That won’t make her unruly and violent at all, if her parent figure approves of the Dishonorable Kick when upset…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 267
Wanderer2691: And to beat in that Naofumi Is The Mostest Justified And Heroist, Raphtalia explicitly likes this in the dub…
[RAPHTALIA] I've never seen Master Naofumi laugh so much before. It suits him.
Chie: …so, you’re saying you get a kick out of him being a sadist. Holy shit he’s corrupting you fast. Eurgh.
Ooze Stains: [Bubble]
Wanderer2691: So, uh, before those things explode into tentacle monsters, let’s run through this - Motoyasu has his dignity and crotch treated offscreen, rendering that almost pointless enough for a filler point, but it actually ends up defining his interactions with Filo from then on, so unfortunately, it’s important. We cut to the start of the race, and we get the rules - three laps, starting from and ending at the front gate. And as soon as they’re off…
Anne: That dust is from Filo being so far ahead that the trail of dust she leaves behind keeps getting into Motoyasu and his dragon’s faces. What a cool and unexpected turnaround - wait, no, the other thing. Completely expected for this show and its hate of Motoyasu and refusal to let him do anything cool worth beating him over to actually make Naofumi seem like he’s working for it. Aren’t dragons more valuable than filolials?
Leliel: Here’s where I have to be mildly fair to this show; as a horse owner, I know that while, say, a thoroughbred (a racehorse breed) is far more capable of short bursts of speed than a draft horse (a breed meant more for heavy work and dressage), they also can’t keep up top speed or work as long. I can see dragons not having the speed of filolials in exchange for the natural weapons and being hardier in combat. On the other hand, this is never brought up, in spite of being a kind of fact that would help drive in how Motoyasu isn’t clear on important details and does make him a legitimately worse hero for understandable reasons, and as we’ll see with Filo, her even being there is an unknowing cheat due to completely outmatching anything Motoyasu could reasonably buy or know about. So Shield Hero is cheating again, albeit mostly due to the hand of fate boosting him.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 129
Speaking of cheating…
Chie: That’s a…pretty involved chant to instantly dig a shallow pit, not gonna lie.
Yukiko: My larynx already needs a sip of water after I call out my Persona and derivations of “Agi” a bit much during a fight - if I had to recite a poem every time I invoked a spell, I’d probably quit.
Wanderer2691: I don’t think all spells need to do that, mind, but that’s beside the point. Point is, Malty be Evil Cheating Woman, again - and for no great benefit, the Shadows are right there even if the sabotage is out of sight of the villagers. Yes, Motoyasu would lose otherwise, but the fact is, the only reason she’s even doing this race to begin with is that her mom’s mad at her - if she discovered Malty was outright forcing a victory after being told no…well then.
RED MENACE: 63
Anne: After a lap, Naofumi learns how to use Air Shield to bridge over the pit…hey, wait, if it sticks around, wouldn’t it trip Motoyasu up, you redhead birdbrain? …would that make her a cardinal? Whatever, she’s stupid, and the show is stupid for not knowing she’s stupid.
RED MENACE: 64
Yukiko: [Checks what a Northern cardinal is, then snickers] Hehehehee…I’m definitely using that in the future! But puns aside, as it turns out, even with a speed boost on his dragon and a debuff to Filo’s speed, she’s just that good to finish the race.
…because whoever heard of an main character losing at first to establish rival cred? Certainly not this show, it can’t be seen making the jock look cooler than the intender viewership’s self-insert power fantasy! Ever!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 130
Chie: But then, it’s suddenly sundown despite being the middle of the day beforehand, with the grateful lord thanking Naofumi for having rid themselves of Malty’s idea of taxes and being able to focus on rebuilding Lute in peace. However, as Naofumi dismounts, a weird glow comes from Filo, and, much to Naofumi’s surprise…
Chie: …we don’t see eye-to-eye on much, Shield Guy, but this is one where you and I are in perfect agreement. Also, because…well, it’s even more brazen than I thought…
(https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Fat_Chocobo)
Leliel: Yep, Filo’s a Filolial Queen, the “boss” stage of development; filolials feed on the power of the Legendary Weapons and related artifacts to metamorphosize into God Chicken mode, making them extremely fast, extremely strong, and extremely goofy looking. Especially when they kick. Trust me, I think this design is a straight downgrade from the sleek “basic” filolial form and the humor potential isn’t worth it (this show’s not nearly clever enough), and was clearly only there because the franchise read Final Fantasy’s homework and search-replaced Chocobos completely and then added…we’ll get to that. But yeah, Naofumi was, in fact, unknowingly cheating, because even before she went queen, it’s likely she was being turbo-charged by the Shield…and Motoyasu’s dragon wasn’t, because this show hates every Cardinal Hero that isn’t Naofumi. Is this explicit? No, and in fact I do consider it a theory more than a fact…but that doesn’t change the fact that, once again, Naofumi lucked into something that makes him yet more OP; he has a god-fowl as a mount, now!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 131
[MYNE] You cheated! You didn't tell us your filolial was really this massive tub of lard I see!
Anne: [Looks up from phone where she’s researching the stains] …well, first of all, screw fatphobia, this is literal biology of a bird - she’s goofy-looking, yeah but…oh so that’s why Leliel thinks the “humorous appearance” of Filolial Queens can be dropped! Yeah, point, if it’s just fat jokes…but also, lady, either your education is lacking on “this common domestic animal” or “deliberately insulting the boss form of said domestic animal.” Neither speaks well of how much you got going on up there, buster.
RED MENACE: 65
Yukiko: The lord of Lute points out that Filo literally only transformed after the race was over - which doesn’t account for the fact that illusion magic is a thing that is known to exist and Raphtalia’s people have a natural affinity with, but okay - and he saw the holes that suddenly appeared in the road. As do the Shadows, who reveal they picked up both that there’s a bunch of Earth magic and [insert whatever is the proper name of the debuff element here] magic, and that they know Naofumi’s thing is healing and support, and Raphtalia’s is illusions, so Malty attempting to save her story by saying it was Naofumi doesn’t work. Some impressive spy work which I am not scoring for, they likely keep an eye on all the Cardinal Heroes to know…not so much Malty, who did all this while knowing perfectly well what her mother’s spies are capable of, and that they are present. How did she accidentally poison her own drink yet…?
RED MENACE: 66
Wanderer2691: Realizing they’re beat, Malty and Motoyasu storm off…and that’s the last direct effect this ever has, Mirellia doesn’t, y’know, censure her daughter for outright cheating to win a contest she disapproved of and didn’t want to happen. So this is likely to happen again and humiliate the royal family further - let’s just say that, even if he’s ultimately just the King Consort, Aultcray has every reason to be more well-regarded than his wife. He does shit.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 224
Leliel: As he leaves, Motoyasu decides to salvage his dignity one last time, saying he let Naofumi win and…
{NAOFUMI} Hey now, how's your crotch doin'?
Anne: …okay, yeah dude, you deserved that. Let it go, Motoyasu…and again, don’t insult the weight of the god-fowl. Or anyone else as a general rule, but especially not the god-fowl.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 72
Chie: As a side note, when Motoyasu slinks off, he starts hurting…down there again. Clearly, even healing magic does not make “riding on a saddle after a groin hit” any better an idea…and also deprives the Scary Stu of any dignity as he limps off. Well, any intentional dignity for still walking at all post Chicken Nutcracker.
Yukiko: That…snerk, distinct image aside, the lord offers his thanks and wishes a few days to gather a proper reward for Naofumi, but he turns down anything monetary; those are village rebuilding funds, and he doesn’t need to make his reputation worse. Which, given how it does result in poor people not having to give up money, is a bit of selfishness I am cool with and willing to read as “better person than he thinks”, for once.
Anne: As a substitute, they fix up a wagon that Filo becomes interested in, as apparently, filolials have an instinctive desire to draw carts. So, yeah, definitely a magical creation with inborn behaviors, not…y’know, an actual animal that needs to be trained.
Leliel: This is a nitpick, along with the position of the collar (it looks uncomfortable that high up on the neck, but it’s not like there’s any other place it fits), so..wait..is..is Naofumi…holding…reins of…leather…[Suddenly turns green, rushes off to bathroom with Wanderer to puke]
Ooze Stains: [Really bubble and crackle]
Wanderer2691: [comes out after a long minute] Well…he won the rock-paper-scissors hand, so he gets to research slime…I have to do the rest of this…great.
Anne: …I am not liking the sound of any of that…but Raphtalia gets seasick from the bumpy road and they decide to camp for the night. As they talk, it’s revealed that the lord of Lute gave him a pass that marks him as a licensed merchant.
Yukiko: …for the three seconds it will take before they notice the Shield, then they arrest you for stealing it or bring in that guy for interrogation with how he was serving the Shield Devil. In a world where most road guards are not morons.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 225
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 132
Chie: So, Naofumi decides he can both be a traveling merchant and level grind - which I’m sure won’t result in some profit-motive driven actions that conflict with heroism at all - and he prepares to sleep, only for it to be revealed why it’s a good thing Filo likes pulling carts and her owner:
Wanderer2691: [Retches] …did you have to say ‘owner’? I get why but…oh God I’m going into dry heaves…
Yukiko: Oh come on, will you stop making the dreading even worse, now we’re reaching horror movies even I find scary…so anyway, Naofumi drifts off to sleep, and is awoken by-
{NAOFUMI}: {Your feathers are stuffy as hell, you know.}
[FILO] Meanie!
-excuse me what?
Anne: ...That. Was the bird.
Wanderer2691: Yep.
Chie: The ripoff Chocobo…no, the avian cart pony…can talk. She’s sapient. And her species is sold as the gacha bad pulls. She’s literally a slave…that enjoys being a slave. Instinctually.
Wanderer2691: Oh, Chie, you sweet summer child…viewers, I warn you…
[YOU SAW THAT WARNING UP THERE ABOUT UNDERAGE NUDITY? WELP, HERE IT IS. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.]
Yukiko: [Pale, keeps scrolling] So, Raphtalia wakes up Naofumi, staring in disbelief and shock, which takes Raphtalia petting Filo to notice…to notice…
…uhhhh….
{[FILO stands up, revealing herself to be completely naked, decency only kept via strategically placed hair bangs]} Master, hi! Good morning!
Chie: Uhhhhhhh…..
Wanderer2691: By the way…while, for the same reasons we decided against showing the fucking Godiva Hair Minor thing, we also cropped that image. In the full shot, the bottom of Filo’s entire human body is visible, and bare naked, including the contours of her ass from the side. And all of her thighs, including her inner ones.
Anne: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH…..
Wanderer2691: Oh yeah, and it gets fucking worse! Because…well, this is what she looks like, thankfully fully clothed…
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Filo)
And…okay, first of all, banning all discussion on loli characters as a concept in the comments, that’s already a can of worms and more importantly, misses that in this case, Filo is less than a month old and views Naofumi as her adopted father due to bird imprinting. There are PLENTY of reasons she is The Horror beyond design alone.
Girls: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH…….
Wanderer2691: BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Because, this is her first personality establishing line…
YEP! Filo’s pretty much written like a young, rather spoiled child who frequently loses track of the world around her and spaces out like a toddler…AND SHE’S PROBABLY THE MOST SEXUALLY FORWARD OUT OF ALL OF NAOFUMI’S TOTES-NOT-A-SLAVE HAREM.
[Yukiko.exe, Chie.punch, and Anne.ribbit have performed an illegal operation and need to reboot, please wait for the unfreeze.]
Wanderer2691: So, while I fasten my earmuffs for the inevitable scream, I’m just going to drop one hundred points on each of these counts, because besides the…the everything about how Filo and her being part of the platonic-and-desperately-wants-to-be-more harem, we’ll see that she is actively volunteering for her own service as a shapeshifting cart pony, and will continue to do so.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 317
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 243
Ooze Stains: [Start to bubble in time with the girls’ eyes twitching as they stare in horror]
Wanderer2691: Yeah…sorry Anne, the rant just wasn’t long enough to figure out-
Leliel: [Charges out] SHIT SHIT SHIT END THE SCENE NOW DON’T SHOW THEM FIL-oh hell…
Wanderer2691: …Lels?
Leliel: Yeah…I finally figured out what those stains are. It’s the Mood Slime from Ghostbusters 2…
Wanderer2691: …you mean…you mean the stuff that feeds on negative emotion to manifest ghosts.
Leliel: [Places order for Poltergust G-00s] Yep…
Girls: [Inhale as one]
Stains: [Explode into necromantic energies, which possess the screen and the projector - causing the copy of Rising of the Shield Hero to spontaneously combust]
Wanderer2691: Ghosts with good taste, at least. Though, now it’s playing a video of…an ocean? With…a ship rising from the water…with a Jolly Roger…and a guy on board who is looking at the screen…
Leliel: [Backing up] Though…good musical taste too at least for the soundtrack. Though, why is he crouch-
Figure: [Launches himself straight at the screen, two dark blades in front of him which - pierce through it.]
Yukiko: [Snapped to reality] CHIE GET BEHIND ME-
[Figure tears open the screen to release a tide of dark water and grey energy shaped like a skeletal crow, along with the sweet smell of honey and pomegranates. He rolls through, grabbing Leliel by the neck with the flat of his his swords.]
Dark Sailor: Ẅ̵͓́H̶̦̓E̵̡͌R̵̻̂E̴̤͆ ̶͖̎I̶͕͠S̵̫̐ ̵̗̄S̸̝̔H̵͎̒E̷̯̐?̸̕ͅ!̷̳̕
Leliel: I don’t-
Dark Sailor: IANTHA! KADHAR! PRAECONINUS! Y̶O̶U̴ ̷T̶O̷O̴K̵ ̴H̶E̸R̷ ̴I̸N̴ ̸T̸H̴A̸T̶ ̶M̵O̶N̶S̸T̴E̵R̸ ̴O̵F̶ ̴Y̵O̸U̴R̵S̶!̸
Leliel: Iana? OH SHIT SHE’S FINE DON’T-
Dark Sailor: D̴͇͊O̷̤̫͘͝N̷̺͠’̸̳̉T̴͎̉ ̶̖̯̅̅D̶̼̮̚Ǎ̴͚̕Ṙ̵̺E̷̟̣̔ ̷̧̨̂L̴̮̠̐͗Ȉ̷̗̠E̸̢̘̐!̷̯́ ̷̝͎̚W̵̙̑ͅH̶͕̾È̸̢͕͐R̵̛̻̰E̴̬̅!̸̐͜ ̸̨̦̈́Ȧ̵̩̒R̷͉͑͒E̸̲̽͝ ̴̼̦̄Y̵̭̓Ỏ̷̝̣U̴̺͝ ̵̢̾̋K̵̡̘̓É̴̹̤Ë̷͖̹́́P̴̘͇̉Ï̷̢͒N̶̹̱̋G̵̲̜̀!̵̪͐̑ ̵͙̠̓H̵͎̦͗Ë̷̢-̵͍́̌
Iana: [Kicks in the door, cucumbers in her hand and clearly having been wearing them at a spa, and Slimer in the other arm] Who’s been summoning gho-oh. …really now.
Dark Sailor: [Energies dissipate, suddenly revealing him to be a rather weather-beaten but normal-looking naval officer in somber colors, music suddenly stops] …Are you kidding me. A spa day. That is where this entire quest ended.
Iana: Well, until an explosion and some poltergeists you are clearly responsible for knocked me off my chair I was enjoying a wonderful break from the nonsense I was unwillingly recruited for, along with having summoned some very stubborn ghosts and interrogating them for needed lore of some new friends I need to help foster a rebellion against a tyrant and bandit who thinks he’s a hero. So yes. I was having a spa day.
Dark Sailor: [Haphazardly drops Leliel to angrily cross his arms] Well, forgive me if your rescue was a bit loud, Iana.
Iana: And forgive me if I believed you thought your necromancer wife could handle herself if she sent a message, Suspire.
Chie: [Nearly falls over from her kicking stance] …Wife?
Suspire: Oh, you sent a message! How thoughtful! How especially thoughtful to not check if it got to me.
Iana: How?! I suspect Convergence and you yourself were able to realize I wasn’t even in the same universe, how was I supposed to know that apparently, spectral messengers can get lost?!
Suspire: And this is why I told you to learn Infallible Messenger! We can only rely on Althea and Thuumi so much, even with Autocthonian aid, and you know they start calling in favors if we ask too much. I had to trawl the window we had to the Well of Udr long before I got that slime, and even then I needed to pay someone in there for the right coordinates.
Iana: Yes, that is what allies do, and somehow I think they’d allow for a discount on ‘your wife was kidnapped’ instead of random multiversal strangers being trusted-
Suspire: Oh, so it was a kidnapping-
[Both descend into a marital spat as Anne awkwardly puts down a bit of driftwood.]
Leliel: [Rubbing his neck.] So! Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to Iana’s husband, and other half of her particular iteration of a Solar-Lunar Bond - well, technically Abyssal-Lunar Bond, but it works the same - Suspire, short for The Blissful Suspire In The Moment Before A Chainless Eternity.
Yukiko: [Stifling laughter] W…what…?
Wanderer2691: Abyssal Exalted thing. They gave up the right to use their living names in return for being saved at the moment of death and transformation into Creation’s version of vampire lords, so they have poetic titles instead. Along with a bunch of other riders, but if these two are married, I don’t think he’s exactly still a tricked, brainwashed toady of the deathlords and Neverborn…at least, not unless this is as unhappy a marriage as it-
[The two suddenly stop arguing and rush into a sobbing hug.]
Iana: DRAGONS DAMN IT I MISSED YOU AND YOUR DRAMA OBSESSION YOU BIG DUMMY!
Suspire: I WAS SO SCARED AND YOU’RE FINE AND I WAS JUST ANGRY YOU WEREN’T TAKING IT SERIOUSLY YOU OVERCONFIDENT SPOILED BRAT…
Wanderer2691: …or maybe birds of a feather flock together, and that includes tsunderes. That could also be the case.
Yukiko: [Collapses into laughter.]
Leliel: Well, she needed that. And good news, with a new sporker, all three of our current ones get to sit out the next, which is…Filo’s introduction as a mini-arc. Oh, brother…
Wanderer2691: …yep. Waifu Substitute mom strikes again…
Anne: Joy…
[Wet spots shift slightly]
Chie: [Mouth waters, before wincing] If I’m too focused on food, the nausea will hit worse…
Yukiko: [Blinks] I wasn’t aware that the Amagis had a branch family in another world. Or that they were bards…
Leliel: Yeah, uh, this really isn’t a flaw, I was just amused at how much they look like Yukiko given her hairstyle and occasional pink kimono:
(https://megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Yukiko_Amagi/Gallery)
Yukiko: Oh! Well then, now I can imagine one of the lyrists setting Naofumi on fire with her mind. Thank you, sincerely!
Anne: [Stares, then glances at Chie]
Chie: Don’t worry, this is normal for her…mostly…
{AULTCRAY} And tonight, we celebrate! Enjoy yourselves to the fullest!
Anne: …ah. This is going to make a point about how chill and luxurious the nobles are in comparison to Naofumi and the villagers they nearly killed to keep themselves safe.
Wanderer2691: We wish. The real narrative goal is much stupider. Because after a scan across the Three Cardinal Heroes…
Chie: …uh. Why is Naofumi here?
[NAOFUMI] This is ridiculous. I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for the reward.
Chie: …Not who I was asking, Shield Devil.
Leliel: We apologize for continuing to belabor the point, but the fact of the matter is, the show seems to keep forgetting: Naofumi is the devil figure. Even if he wasn’t, he’d be an accused rapist in a country that supposedly regards them as beneath telemarketers in esteem. He was accused of raping the king’s daughter, and the king is the host. Bouncers, motherfucker, do you have them?
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 85
Yukiko: So, ignoring the guest that should have been barred entry and had the guards called on him, the next bit is actually a neat bit of context, when someone brings up low casualties:
Wanderer2691: You may recognize this guy as the cowardly captain that put an entire village at risk rather than himself or his men - and the “monster” he speaks of was stopped by Naofumi. Of course, who’s going to believe the Shield Devil and his demihuman if he tries to correct them or point out that the only reason so many people were safe was because of him coordinating civilian defense? This is the least his reputation should do to him.
Leliel: Anyway, scene continues, Motoyasu gets flirted with by a couple noble ladies, which Malty shuts down before the ever-horndog Spear Hero sees Raphtalia and starts to go off after her to restart the flirt, when…
Wanderer2691: And…this is something we feel really bad about scoring, because while her motives are, naturally, selfish, Malty is actually alerting Motoyasu to something that is sincerely fucked up and he needs to know. But, once again, the intent is to make us hate her for “getting in the way of” Raphtalia and Naofumi, so…
RED MENACE: 57
Anne: Speaking of things this show does that make us deeply uncomfortable to do, I have to offer praise for the fact that Raphtalia, rather than getting food for herself, is trying to find stuff for Naofumi - this is something a [gag] domestic slave would be accepted doing and ignored, rather than suddenly not caring they don’t let demihumans eat at this establishment.
Yukiko: [Notices what might be a slight blush as Raphtalia says this] This, however, remains thoroughly repellant, for many reasons. Your chronologically pre-teen adopted daughter should not be flirting with you, let alone your slave.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 21
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 123
Chie: At least the reason Naofumi’s down is something I get - he just realized he could teleport people out of the ravaged town when the dragon hourglass calls him, and he’s having a bit of survivor guilt. But Raphtalia comes back and - URP!
Chie: Starts…hand-feeding, like…she’s his mother, or…lover…when slave and…adopted daughter…and…and now I won’t be able to do that with Yuki without thinking of this…gross…
Yukiko: Is nothing sacred for you, Rising?!
Stains: [Grow slightly.]
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 22
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 124
Leliel: Thankfully, Motoyasu is actually a hero for once and kills this scene dead afterwards, as he gets pissed:
[MOTOYASU] Naofumi...
[NAOFUMI gasps] Hmm?
{MOTOYASU} {Duel me.}
Anne: Whoa! What made him all serious?
Leliel: Well…first we have a title, and…
Co-Sporkers: [Beat]
Yukiko: Please…tell me this is the early signs of his redemption arc, and…not what I think it is…
[MOTOYASU] I've heard that you've made poor Raphtalia your slave and that she obeys your every command.
Yukiko: …It is exactly what I think it is. With Raphtalia looking annoyed or confused by his attempt to defend her. This is going to hurt… [Gets out the button.]
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 125 (The way it’s being done is clearly something we’re supposed to think is upsetting to Raphtalia. Screw that noise.)
{MOTOYASU} Watch your tone.
Anne: …you know, that particular criticism, and in the sub, “You…”, is used to indicate rudeness or petty anger. You know - an unsympathetic reaction, as opposed to someone getting justifiably PO’d at a slaver who relies on his property to protect him like a coward.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 126 (Naofumi fought with her, but Motoyasu doesn’t know that, so no, it’s entirely righteous anger on his end - even more so than if he did.)
{Naofumi} Yeah, Raphtalia's my loyal slave. So what's it to you?
Leliel: Basic human fucking decency, even if the show wants us to think that Motoyasu only cares so he can get in her pants? …fuck me, if Raphtalia was actually an adult, I’d be all for the good ship Jockrings, there are worse ways to break the ice than freeing a gladiatrix from a manipulative father figure master.
{MOTOYASU} You listen up. You can't be saying you think it's okay to enslave others!
Wanderer2691: Spear guy, you poor sweet summer child…because this is the response. Reproduced in images, so you get to see exactly what even the sub says:
{MOTOYASU}: {But we're heroes from another world!} We shouldn't behave that way here and you know it.
[Long pause]
Chie: So. The great counterargument. Is that ‘slavery bad.’ Is Motoyasu’s opinion.
Anne: Yyyyep.
Chie: Nothing else, just that slavery is how this world does things.
Leliel: Pretty much, along with “Raphtalia is useful tho” in the dub.
Chie: And we are supposed to scorn Motoyasu for maybe injecting himself into Raphtalia and Naofumi’s relationship because he thinks she’s pretty, and, I think, “self-righteousness.”
Yukiko: This anime thinks that imperialism is bad when it impacts the main protagonist in an inconvenient way, yes.
Chie: Oh. I see.
[Beat]
Wanderer2691: Coincidentally, Iana decided to leave the ghost of a Ysyr magocrat, the people who literally are the slavemasters of an entire society in the name of universal harmony, here in this dummy that has been completely unintentionally dressed in the same armor Naofumi wears. Side note, his new body registers all forms of pain and he is completely unable to fight back.
Chie: Oh! Remind me to thank her later. HIYYYAAA-
Yukiko: [Long blink] Weird he sounded like Yosuke, but deserved on all levels, and therapeutic.
Chie: I…just…what the fuck is this?! That’s a hero’s logic?! “This objectively terrible thing that keeps people in literal cages is just part of this world’s culture”?! I - If someone told me this was the nature of the world I got isekai’d too, I’d be raising an army of bandits and monsters to raze it to the ground! All hail Red-Maw Satonaka, Young Mistress of the Stomping Demon Hoof School, who at least pays everyone who works for her!
Leliel: And this is part why I retained the Persona 4 duo, because, to be frank, there’s another, much better and frankly cooler character who actually does this well…because he’s a villain:
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/FullmetalAlchemistHomunculiAffiliates)
Yukiko: …and now you are making me think this show would be better if it was Kimblee who was the main character. That’s not a sentence I thought I’d ever utter…
Chie: O-kay! Background time! Solf J. Kimblee there is a major villain from Fullmetal Alchemist, a series Yukiko likes for combining shonen with weird science - hence, “alchemist”, in the series it’s explicitly mystical ways of reconstructing matter chemically, but it has to remain scientifically possible in the end state to work. So she can follow along and speculate on the weird stuff alchemy often does - but I digress. Kimblee is the Crimson Alchemist, a guy specialized in the creation of explosives…and is exactly the kind of person you’d expect would design his entire scientific study and power set to making weapons of way that cause massacres:
Leliel: Fun fact - this scene was actually done in response to the original anime’s idea of Kimblee being just plain brutal and evil - the manga, and this, made it clear that while he’s murderous and bloodthirsty, he’s pragmatic enough to not randomly kill people who he no longer has a conflict with and he respects for dedication to duty, though fucking with people…
Wanderer2691: Yeah… but anyway, the big thing about Kimblee is that his sense of morality is…different. Leliel feels that, with his Hat of Pop Philosophy on, that Kimblee is FMA’s representative of Nietszchean thought in its personal growth, moral systems, and ideals free-for-all battle royale - in particular, Aristocratic Morality. To make a long dissertation short and relevant, Kimblee is a person who judges things not based on good or evil, but whether they win or lose an ideological or physical struggle. The man sees existence as a war of all against all, and he’s just someone who is honest with himself about trying to be on the strongest side so he can win with them, since what wins is what is good. Thing is, what makes Kimblee an interesting character is that he does this…completely without prejudice. He feels that lying is an act of weakness, as is breaking one’s own principles, so he does neither, and about the only moral line he has is when people show cowardice by breaking their own out of fear. Which becomes an issue when, after his devouring by the demonic homunculus Pride, Pride suddenly drops the quality he’s named after and his own proud self-assurance that homunculi are superior, with that being the reason homunculi deserve to rule, when faced with a threat of actually dying.
Yukiko: That will never not be satisfying to watch that brat get chewed out. (Side note, we know about Ed's English voice actor, but we do not support him, just the larger franchise - please do NOT discuss it further in the comments.) Especially given his blind loyalty. But in any case, what makes Kimblee interesting, and a lot of his speeches land, is that he practices what he preaches - even in that clip, he wasn’t trying to survive as an independent ego, since the souls are going to die upon release, but recognizing that in the end, Pride’s logic wasn’t founded on anything resembling actual duty to Father or homunculi as a species, but what was easy for Pride to do, and the moment that stopped, Pride created a him-shaped hole in his ethics to step through, because ‘it helped me survive.’ Sort of like someone who, I don’t know, suddenly decides it’s overbearing to decide slavery is wrong when he hates everything else about the culture? Because he’s benefitting from it?!
(https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Beartato_the_betrayer_643.JPG)
Wanderer2691: More importantly - FMA never says Kimblee is anything other than terrible as a person. The man likes killing, and so part of his honesty is to revel in it. It just so happens he’s also immensely self-aware - and one of the reasons he’s so competent is that he gets other people don’t have the same motives and often, enjoy doing good when he doesn’t. If he loses, then they deserve to do good as they see it and stop him, and he’s fine with that. So, in the hypothetical situation where it was Shield Hero Kimblee in this area, he’d still block Motoyasu from freeing Raphtalia…except he’d also be way friendlier about it, because he recognizes Motoyasu desires to free Raphtalia and has a duty to people that comes before the benefits of having a servant. Not scoffing at him for his ‘self-righteousness’, and the show agreeing with him.
Anne: Quite. When your ‘defense’ of your supposed protagonist’s actions are literally the same ones a literal mad bomber would take as a reason to turn that stupid shield into TNT after realizing that said “respect” is based in selfishness…maybe you should consider the actual character making these arguments. Especially when used as a deflection of moral responsibility.
(https://www.reddit.com/r/MitchellAndWebb/comments/720hon/are_we_the_baddies/)
Leliel: Thus, the first half of this spork title - because at this point, I can’t see Naofumi as anything except the villain of this story, a bitter, self-pitying control freak bound for being a bandit king who sees himself as the poor put-upon survivor even as he helps become the kingpin of a slaver ring and develops an undeserved reputation for heroism largely out of spite. In a good story, this would be a Wham Line moment where it’s revealed how twisted Naofumi is becoming and that he is going to end up being a major boss as his desire to show up everyone he blames for his issue cause him to become a demagogue hiding behind his “care” for the common man. As it is…there’s a much better place for a rant in this spork, but once again, the true power fantasy of “I don’t need to improve, it’s everyone else’s fault!” continues to be the main appeal. So, because this scene is key to how Naofumi interacts with the world, fifty points to this…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 173
And ten to this, mostly because it’s a passing remark rather than plot-important. Trust me, the score bloat will come.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 136
Anne: Ugh, and the leak stains are sticky…were they always like that…? Anyway-
[MOTOYASU growls]
[MOTOYASU] Let's do this!
Anne: …uh…he’s supposed to be the jerkface, right…?
Wanderer2691: And this, right here, is a major reason we can’t hate Motoyasu like the show wants, even if it was Malty pulling the strings, he still called Naofumi the fuck out. Unfortunately, this is not The Maturing of The Spear Hero, so the fact he wants to impress his girl squad and charm Raphtalia into bed are probably the intended takeaways…even if we think the harem-action series where Motoyasu realizes how childish and oblivious he’s being and becomes an actual worthy node in a massive polycule would be way less skeevy than…what it actually is, and what harem Naofumi will get.
Chie: [Shivers at the feeling of intensified doom.]
{NAOFUMI}: All right. What's the plan if I win this fight?
{MOTOYASU} {Then…you can keep things as they are.}
{NAOFUMI}: [Leaving] Don't be such an idiot.
Anne: [Starts making chicken noises] …but more seriously, Naofumi here is not exactly looking good either. He has nothing to gain and a lot to lose, so just not accepting this duel is a good idea, but he could get Raphtalia to speak on his side. “I notice you haven’t asked her what she wants - how do I know I’m not ‘freeing’ her into your property?” And yes, I did throw up a little in my mouth saying that, but even by the standards of this show this is kind of treating Raphtalia as someone without agency when The Men are talking! This is the kind of thing you need to emphasize!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 174 (That ‘misogynistic queendom’ subcount is starting to look mighty tempting, as a side note…)
Chie: Not that it matters, though, because as he leaves…
{ITSUKI} He actually has a slave in his party?
Anne: Still not wooing me to Team Shield, show…and yeah, while I can see Itsuki will be revealed to be vain enough that he is more looking for a new villain to beat, Ren’s just morally offended, and for good reason. In any case, a guard stops him, and Aultcray-
{AULTCRAY} {It seems you are rotten to the core.}
Yukiko: Um, I don’t think I heard you correctly? The entirely legal enslavement of demi-humans, that you support, is proof he’s rotten? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!
Wanderer2691: And this, right here, is where the English dub is flatly superior, as Aultcray makes it clear that he’s attacking Naofumi on the basis of using her as a battle thrall. That’s still shaky, but it makes more sense than “actually, we hate slavery if the Shield Hero does it.” We’ll see later that Aultcray has a personal reason to despise the Shield as the symbol of hope for demihumans (as shallow and stupid as that plot point is), but if anything that makes this line of argument even more vapid and out of character. Certainly not something any other noble would buy and might cause some faux pas.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 86
[MYNE chuckles {as Aultcray glances at her}]
Chie: Oi, wipe that dumb smile off your face - and also, yeah, apparently this is her plan. Shut up, Malty, and - also, what the heck are you even achieving here? Spite? …whatever, there are less stupid ways.
RED MENACE: 58
{AULTCRAY}: I order you. Accept the challenge!
{RAPHTALIA} I'm with Master Naofumi of my own free will and--
Leliel: XXXXXXXXXX
Chie: Wait, why are you…oh, I get it! You’re pressing X to doubt! [Snort, then pauses.] XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 137
Anne: XXXXXX - okay, joke’s dragging. But, a guard muffles her before she finishes her “this is totally my agency” speech, and we have this assessment from Aultcray:
Yukiko: C! …or whatever you use for the opposite of doubt. But yeah, this is…actually a good descriptor of the slave seal. I know we’re kind of being biased here, but we’ve seen how that thing works - unless Naofumi specifically orders it otherwise, it’ll shock her for disobedience. So that kind of makes an excellent stick in the “blind praise of master” department. It’s him being manipulative about what it does, but on the other hand, fuck slavery, the real mechanic is just as terrible, it’s just less direct mind control. And also, fuck this entire premise.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 138
Wanderer2691: Anyway, Aultcray forces the duel, with Motoyasu’s conditions, to which the Spear Hero taunts Naofumi’s attempt to run.
{NAOFUMI}: You're a scumbag!
[MOTOYASU gasps]
{NAOFUMI}: I will win and Raphtalia will be returned to me!
Anne: [Disgusted look] And then Raphtalia broke out of the grasp of a guard to embrace Motoyasu, the guy who actually gives a perfunctory crap if she is a person with wants rather than a possession. He handily beat Naofumi, and they went on to many adventures together as raising a child caused Motoyasu to remove his head from his butt. The end.
Leliel: And before you ask, it’s even worse in the sub - the quote there is “If I win, you’d better return Raphtalia!” - you know, like a toy he tried to wrench from Naofumi. Fuck off, dude.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 175
Wanderer2691: And you too while we’re at it, you smug ginger Underpants Gnome.
(https://www.nighttrain.co/how-to-be-an-effective-product-manager/)
RED MENACE: 59
Chie: Skipping ahead, the duel is revealed to be up to pinning your opponent or a surrender, with both Aultcray and the local Pope observing and…yeah, I wonder if this guy is the villain or not.
He has such a…trustworthy expression. One that doesn’t have a specific name for how much it resembled a sly fox or anything at all…
Leliel: And is a dime-store cosplay Catholic, aka the religious thematic used for a “corrupt as all hell religious faith” for cheap, cliche anime potshots everywhere. Frankly, this franchise ain’t great at subtle villains who even attempt to come off as heroes, that’d impact the power fantasy. But, after a cheer for Motoyasu from Malty, we get his preliminary boast…
{MOTOYASU} Naofumi, be a man and admit defeat!
[Long pause]
Anne: Uh…what folk tale?
Chie: It’s actually Chinese in origin, and the source of their word for “contradiction”, literally formed from the characters for “spear” and “shield” - except the whole point was that it was obviously a lie a merchant was caught in, not “Naofumi will face defeat.” I literally can’t tell if this is Motoyasu being dumb or the writers being...their normal levels of dumb.
Yukiko: …I think the answer is both, because the moment Motoyasu’s first couple blows are deflected, Naofumi has this to say:
Wanderer2691: More importantly - FMA never says Kimblee is anything other than terrible as a person. The man likes killing, and so part of his honesty is to revel in it. It just so happens he’s also immensely self-aware - and one of the reasons he’s so competent is that he gets other people don’t have the same motives and often, enjoy doing good when he doesn’t. If he loses, then they deserve to do good as they see it and stop him, and he’s fine with that. So, in the hypothetical situation where it was Shield Hero Kimblee in this area, he’d still block Motoyasu from freeing Raphtalia…except he’d also be way friendlier about it, because he recognizes Motoyasu desires to free Raphtalia and has a duty to people that comes before the benefits of having a servant. Not scoffing at him for his ‘self-righteousness’, and the show agreeing with him.
Anne: Quite. When your ‘defense’ of your supposed protagonist’s actions are literally the same ones a literal mad bomber would take as a reason to turn that stupid shield into TNT after realizing that said “respect” is based in selfishness…maybe you should consider the actual character making these arguments. Especially when used as a deflection of moral responsibility.
(https://www.reddit.com/r/MitchellAndWebb/comments/720hon/are_we_the_baddies/)
Leliel: Thus, the first half of this spork title - because at this point, I can’t see Naofumi as anything except the villain of this story, a bitter, self-pitying control freak bound for being a bandit king who sees himself as the poor put-upon survivor even as he helps become the kingpin of a slaver ring and develops an undeserved reputation for heroism largely out of spite. In a good story, this would be a Wham Line moment where it’s revealed how twisted Naofumi is becoming and that he is going to end up being a major boss as his desire to show up everyone he blames for his issue cause him to become a demagogue hiding behind his “care” for the common man. As it is…there’s a much better place for a rant in this spork, but once again, the true power fantasy of “I don’t need to improve, it’s everyone else’s fault!” continues to be the main appeal. So, because this scene is key to how Naofumi interacts with the world, fifty points to this…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 173
And ten to this, mostly because it’s a passing remark rather than plot-important. Trust me, the score bloat will come.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 136
Anne: Ugh, and the leak stains are sticky…were they always like that…? Anyway-
[MOTOYASU growls]
[MOTOYASU] Let's do this!
Anne: …uh…he’s supposed to be the jerkface, right…?
Wanderer2691: And this, right here, is a major reason we can’t hate Motoyasu like the show wants, even if it was Malty pulling the strings, he still called Naofumi the fuck out. Unfortunately, this is not The Maturing of The Spear Hero, so the fact he wants to impress his girl squad and charm Raphtalia into bed are probably the intended takeaways…even if we think the harem-action series where Motoyasu realizes how childish and oblivious he’s being and becomes an actual worthy node in a massive polycule would be way less skeevy than…what it actually is, and what harem Naofumi will get.
Chie: [Shivers at the feeling of intensified doom.]
{NAOFUMI}: All right. What's the plan if I win this fight?
{MOTOYASU} {Then…you can keep things as they are.}
{NAOFUMI}: [Leaving] Don't be such an idiot.
Anne: [Starts making chicken noises] …but more seriously, Naofumi here is not exactly looking good either. He has nothing to gain and a lot to lose, so just not accepting this duel is a good idea, but he could get Raphtalia to speak on his side. “I notice you haven’t asked her what she wants - how do I know I’m not ‘freeing’ her into your property?” And yes, I did throw up a little in my mouth saying that, but even by the standards of this show this is kind of treating Raphtalia as someone without agency when The Men are talking! This is the kind of thing you need to emphasize!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 174 (That ‘misogynistic queendom’ subcount is starting to look mighty tempting, as a side note…)
Chie: Not that it matters, though, because as he leaves…
{ITSUKI} He actually has a slave in his party?
Anne: Still not wooing me to Team Shield, show…and yeah, while I can see Itsuki will be revealed to be vain enough that he is more looking for a new villain to beat, Ren’s just morally offended, and for good reason. In any case, a guard stops him, and Aultcray-
{AULTCRAY} {It seems you are rotten to the core.}
Yukiko: Um, I don’t think I heard you correctly? The entirely legal enslavement of demi-humans, that you support, is proof he’s rotten? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!
Wanderer2691: And this, right here, is where the English dub is flatly superior, as Aultcray makes it clear that he’s attacking Naofumi on the basis of using her as a battle thrall. That’s still shaky, but it makes more sense than “actually, we hate slavery if the Shield Hero does it.” We’ll see later that Aultcray has a personal reason to despise the Shield as the symbol of hope for demihumans (as shallow and stupid as that plot point is), but if anything that makes this line of argument even more vapid and out of character. Certainly not something any other noble would buy and might cause some faux pas.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 86
[MYNE chuckles {as Aultcray glances at her}]
Chie: Oi, wipe that dumb smile off your face - and also, yeah, apparently this is her plan. Shut up, Malty, and - also, what the heck are you even achieving here? Spite? …whatever, there are less stupid ways.
RED MENACE: 58
{AULTCRAY}: I order you. Accept the challenge!
{RAPHTALIA} I'm with Master Naofumi of my own free will and--
Leliel: XXXXXXXXXX
Chie: Wait, why are you…oh, I get it! You’re pressing X to doubt! [Snort, then pauses.] XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 137
Anne: XXXXXX - okay, joke’s dragging. But, a guard muffles her before she finishes her “this is totally my agency” speech, and we have this assessment from Aultcray:
Yukiko: C! …or whatever you use for the opposite of doubt. But yeah, this is…actually a good descriptor of the slave seal. I know we’re kind of being biased here, but we’ve seen how that thing works - unless Naofumi specifically orders it otherwise, it’ll shock her for disobedience. So that kind of makes an excellent stick in the “blind praise of master” department. It’s him being manipulative about what it does, but on the other hand, fuck slavery, the real mechanic is just as terrible, it’s just less direct mind control. And also, fuck this entire premise.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 138
Wanderer2691: Anyway, Aultcray forces the duel, with Motoyasu’s conditions, to which the Spear Hero taunts Naofumi’s attempt to run.
{NAOFUMI}: You're a scumbag!
[MOTOYASU gasps]
{NAOFUMI}: I will win and Raphtalia will be returned to me!
Anne: [Disgusted look] And then Raphtalia broke out of the grasp of a guard to embrace Motoyasu, the guy who actually gives a perfunctory crap if she is a person with wants rather than a possession. He handily beat Naofumi, and they went on to many adventures together as raising a child caused Motoyasu to remove his head from his butt. The end.
Leliel: And before you ask, it’s even worse in the sub - the quote there is “If I win, you’d better return Raphtalia!” - you know, like a toy he tried to wrench from Naofumi. Fuck off, dude.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 175
Wanderer2691: And you too while we’re at it, you smug ginger Underpants Gnome.
(https://www.nighttrain.co/how-to-be-an-effective-product-manager/)
RED MENACE: 59
Chie: Skipping ahead, the duel is revealed to be up to pinning your opponent or a surrender, with both Aultcray and the local Pope observing and…yeah, I wonder if this guy is the villain or not.
He has such a…trustworthy expression. One that doesn’t have a specific name for how much it resembled a sly fox or anything at all…
Leliel: And is a dime-store cosplay Catholic, aka the religious thematic used for a “corrupt as all hell religious faith” for cheap, cliche anime potshots everywhere. Frankly, this franchise ain’t great at subtle villains who even attempt to come off as heroes, that’d impact the power fantasy. But, after a cheer for Motoyasu from Malty, we get his preliminary boast…
{MOTOYASU} Naofumi, be a man and admit defeat!
[Long pause]
Anne: Uh…what folk tale?
Chie: It’s actually Chinese in origin, and the source of their word for “contradiction”, literally formed from the characters for “spear” and “shield” - except the whole point was that it was obviously a lie a merchant was caught in, not “Naofumi will face defeat.” I literally can’t tell if this is Motoyasu being dumb or the writers being...their normal levels of dumb.
Yukiko: …I think the answer is both, because the moment Motoyasu’s first couple blows are deflected, Naofumi has this to say:
[NAOFUMI] [...] {you lost when you couldn’t pierce my shield!}
Sporkers: [Collective deadpan look]
Wanderer2691: And here is where the dub is just plain worse, because Naofumi lies or shows he doesn’t know much more than Motoyasu - he says “the spear lost when it couldn’t pierce the shield” - no it didn’t, the merchant selling them skadoodled when caught in a lie. This entire metaphor only exists so Naofumi can wave his Intellectual Wang about and dunk on Motoyasu - and even in Japanese, it doesn’t really make sense it was even brought up to begin with!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 117
Leliel: Anyhoo, Motoyasu gets in a good hit with Chaos Spear, a technique that sends a rapid fire of lasers from his spear that gets past Naofumi’s defense.
However, when the Spear Hero gets into melee again, Naofumi hits him with a shield bash - and unannounced helper.
Yukiko: …. PBBBT! I GOTTA REMEMBER THAT! HAHAHAHAHA…but seriously, though, I like this. As noted, a shield can’t do much with offense by itself, just being a very unwieldy boxing glove, so Naofumi uses the Balloons gnawing on him as disposable grunts and later shows the power of the Two-Headed Dog Shield he got from the orthrus - bitey heads.
Then, a novel use for Air Shield, Shield Prison, and some Balloons:
Anne: …OOF. And now Motoyasu knows what it’s like to be a nut inside a hamster ball…with a hamster. Though…I actually like this power array, but on the other hand…for the Shield Hero, Naofumi seems to have picked up a few levels in Wizard. He’s not exactly fighting with just defense, that Air Shield was a flat Magic Missile variation.
Wanderer2691: While we get affordances to actual agency in a battle-focused show, we consider this a preview of just how little the shield is going to act like a shield in the near future. But, in the stands, the nobles are getting a bit pissy that Naofumi has the advantage and isn’t respecting the duel - and that’s a bit of hypocrisy I like, because those same rules are why Motoyasu was seemingly guaranteed to win from square one - but Aultcray’s clearly up to something:
Chie: Well that’s ominous. But the Shield Prison runs out, Motoyasu clearly having taken a beating from the Balloons and not eager to fight, though he refuses to give up. Naofumi readies more and-
Male Sporkers: [Cringe, and rear back]
{NAOFUMI} Might as well, since I'm a cowardly cheater!
Yukiko: [Flatly] I’m glad we agree. Asshole.
Chie: Yeah, uh - fight to pin, remember? I get this duel isn’t going to be one where the King lets the Shield Devil win, but Motoyasu clearly can’t easily move. One Air Shield from above and voila, suddenly Aultcray’s looking for technicalities that show he’s covering his ass to the crowd. Naofumi is making this fight worse for him out of pure sadism, and if we weren’t supposed to see him as a power fantasy, this would be confirmation that Motoyasu needs to get stronger to beat his rival. Because, right now, Spear Guy’s being way more of a hero than Shield Guy.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 175
Anne: Thankfully for the real protagonist, that’s when the turnabout and fair play - er, the cheat shows itself. Because as it turns out, Malty’s a magician herself:
Leliel: With a bit of wind magic, Naofumi is knocked out of pummeling position and allows Motoyasu to rally. Which now that he gets in position…
Wanderer2691: And as the music attempts to manipulate us into thinking this is tragic, Naofumi slumps to the ground…
Anne: WOO! Oh wait, he’s supposed to be the rival. Boo. Hiss. Cheaaaaa…[yawns]
Chie: Of course, our hero (allegedly), does not take this lying down, and rises to his feet, calling a do-over…
{NAOFUMI} And it's obvious that you didn't win.
{MOTOYASU} What?
[NAOFUMI] That magician butted in and gave you help!
{MOTOYASU} Ha! Little man's a sore loser?
{NAOFUMI} It's the truth! Everyone who was watching her could see it! You all saw Myne use her magic, didn't you? I know you saw it!
Yukiko: The crowd, naturally, does not react, which slowly dawns on Naofumi that they don’t care…
Wanderer2691: And so, the true unfairness of this world shows itself again, as Naofumi realizes the Shield Hero will inevitably be beaten down no matter how unfair, and this system will always side with the Three Heroes and Malty over him…
...it’s just too bad for our sympathy that we happen to agree with Aultcray - Naofumi cheated first.
(https://www.lambiek.net/artists/p/prohias_antonio.htm)
Leliel: Let’s add a bit of dialogue to this scene:
“Everyone saw it, right!?”, Naofumi screamed at the audience-
And the Spear Hero was laughing. “Oh man! Oh man, that’s rich coming from you, Shield. Everyone was behaving fairly, using all the resources they brought with them!”
Naofumi sputtered - and stopped, when he saw what Motoyasu had in hand.
A Balloon skin.
“Don’t you get it?”, he said, with the smugness of vindication. “Myne knew someone like you would probably cheat and use something else instead of just your spells, so she chose to watch us as insurance. When you decided to ‘focus on my head or my crotch’, she realized she had to step in for her party member, for which I am very grateful.”
Naofumi’s jaw dropped. “B…but…I had nothing else!”
“Yes…” Motoyasu’s gaze turned cold. “Because you rely on a slave to fight for you, rather than risk yourself, and so you can’t duel one-on-one worth shit, so you rely on monsters to pick up the slack. That, Naofumi, is a ‘you’ problem.”
Now, this doesn’t change the fact that Naofumi was deliberately put at a disadvantage, but this show is very loudly trying to draw away from the fact that up until Malty got involved, Naofumi was reveling in being a cheat. It’s only when the tables are turned on him that it’s proof of how corrupt this kingdom is. Because now it affects him.
Yukiko: Now, if that was brought up - then one could explore just how insidious a lot of ideas about honor are. Like, I think poison’s the tool of reckless cowards, but the idea that it’s evil because it’s ‘dishonorable’ doesn’t come from the fact that envenoming the wrong thing is likely going to kill innocents - it’s dishonorable because that means you don’t need to know your way around a sword to kill a big, tough opponent who is better-equipped than you, and that makes warrior aristocrats who have power by beating up peasants very nervous. But in this show? In this show, we are repeatedly subject to Poor Pitiful Naofumi, and the fact he cheated and was planning to feed Motoyasu’s testacles to a Jack o’ Lantern when he was at Naofumi’s mercy is stuffed in a memory hole, because the show doesn’t want its target audience to feel like their spite might be a bad thing that sabotages them. That’d be uncomfortable. So I’m awarding this five points in two categories, for Naofumi’s hypocrisy and the show moving heaven and earth to make sure we don’t notice he’s the guy who tried to mutilate a hero for trying to free his battle thrall.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 180
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 122
Anne: So, Aultcray declares Motoyasu the winner, and after Malty hugs him, we get this…
{MYNE} It really is such a shame that you'll have to go back to fighting all by yourself. {Cackling laugh}
Chie: *Malty* “Everything is going just as I planned! …to where I don’t know, I just really don’t like the Shield Hero for reasons that definitely aren’t based around angry otaku being turned down by pretty girls!”
RED MENACE: 60
And we also get a reveal we kinda spoiled up front…
Leliel: Yep. This is officially where it all comes together for Naofumi, and he realizes it’s not just Shield prejudice, but Aultcray helping his daughter forge facts and fudge it - and that she might well have just been planning to send him up the rivel all along to get in good with Motoyasu, rape accusation and all. However, it’s what he decides must have been what Malty was whispering to Motoyasu that promptly stops me sympathizing with being the victim of a ploy…
{MALTY} I know that the Shield Hero has forced that poor girl to be his slave. You must save her.
[MOTOYASU gasps]
Anne: …or, as everyone else calls it, “a pretty good descriptor of the facts”, what with how you bought her off Beloukas, dipshit. You might well not have actually put her in cuffs, but it’s your blood in the seal used as a shock collar. So yeah, the embodiment of all evil that has boobs is telling the truth. Hey, Motoyasu, does that spear have a bonus to attacking asshats?
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 181
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 139
Yukiko: Hm. Do I want to see a hypocritical, self-centered slaver suffer…MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Anne: [Plays thunder noises on her phone] …it seemed necessary.
Chie: While Naofumi’s ranting, the Shield’s gem starts releasing a…very nasty-looking green smoke that isn’t convincing me that thing isn’t evil…
{NAOFUMI} You wanted it! You summoned me here! So why are they doing this to me?
Leliel: …hey, you got “flashback noises” on that thing, Anne? I need to bring up the script from Episode 1.
Anne: I do indeed!
[NAOFUMI] Whatever. If I'm too weak, I can just rely on my party. And if I'm lucky, it might even have some girls in it. The shield's role should be to defend the party and thwart enemy attacks, right? And while my love life back home was lacking, here I might just meet "the one.”
Chie: Yeah, you may not have “wanted” it, but you certainly didn’t protest until things went sideways. While I get why you want to leave after Malty and Aultcray ruined your life, I get the sense that the show is trying to pretend the idealistic, fun-loving Naofumi didn’t exist…and so the only reason he’s bitter now is that things went wrong. Need we remind you: Family. Back. Home.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 182
Wanderer2691: While he’s grousing to himself, and the smoke turns ever darker, the nobles in the stands celebrate Raphtalia’s freedom, suddenly not caring she’s a demihuman that is often enslaved-
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 87
-and they should have never summoned the Shield Hero, or executed him. Which does nothing to make me ignore the fact they haven’t already, in spite of rape being a capital offense here!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 88
Anne: At that point, Naofumi just cracks and starts screaming, wanting very badly to get rid of the Shield, which has caused him nothing but pain. Unfortunately for us, he can’t get that wish without a title change - but it’s still funny to watch:
Yukiko: Snrk! He just…he piledrived his own shield! Overwrought, much?
Chie: And then…well, we get a masterclass in manipulation. See, we haven’t specified where Raphtalia is in all this, and her current circumstances. Well, that’s because the show really, really wants us to think she’s more of a captive being fought for by Motoyasu than a slave. As evinced by…well, a gag.
Yukiko: …to make this entirely clear: The girl who Motoyasu is attempting to free, in this fight, is bound, gagged, and chained, as opposed to the freedom of movement she had as a gladiatrix with a shock collar tattoo on. In addition, the music used here is very SAD, capital letters required. Lonely violins, melancholic drone, minor key and all that. All to emphasize that in Shield Hero’s world, the most rational and realistically accurate position is held by fucking George Orwell villains.
(https://www.desertcart.com.eg/products/39427884-ingsoc-war-is-peace-freedom-is-slavery-ignorance-is-strength-red-poster-12-x-18)
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 140
Anne: And we also get a vision of Glorious Naofumi-o-vision, in Technicolor. And how he sees the world and Raphtalia in particular:
Wanderer2691: Yep. He still sees her as her true age, the meek and broken pre-teen, and moreover, he sees her simply following along with Malty after the black-robed priest uses a potion on her that dissolves her slave crest altogether.
Leliel: Aww. Poor widdle Shield is bweing weft behwhind by hwis daughteru, uwu. Feel swowwy for him, he newah asked for this, TwT. The show certainly is driving it in. And it’s successful, I nearly forgot that this is A FUCKING SLAVE HAVING A SHOCK COLLAR REMOVED AND HER MASTER BEING UPSET ABOUT HOW HE CAN’T HAVE HER FORCED COMPANY ANYMORE HOW FUCKING STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?!
Stains: [Spit out a couple bubbles]
Anne: …yeah, whatever that is definitely isn’t just water…but holy shit. This is…this is something else. This is some of the most blatantly manipulative cinematography I have ever seen. And when it comes down to it, the reason Naofumi is sure Raphtalia’s going to leave him to be with Malty and Motoyasu is because he’s pretty sure the only reason she sticks around is the slave crest. In other words, that she’s only with him because it’s impossibly painful to be otherwise. Said Raphtalia, by the way, is his adopted daughter, as he perceives her. Gee, with that attitude, I can’t see why he’s afraid of that. Ten points, both relevant categories!
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 150
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 192
Chie: So, Naofumi finishes his breakdown, and decides that he wants the world to die for all he cares - yeah, really selling me on you being a good guy, even if you’re at the point I feel it’s just words made in anger - and then we get a particular screen as the gem on the Shield starts to ignite…
Anne: … “Curse series.” That…does not sound good at all…
Wanderer2691: It really isn’t - basically, the Curse Series is a planned failure state for the Legendary Weapons to keep their wielders functional, if only through negative emotion. And straight from the Wiki:
Yukiko: [Eyebrow raised almost up off her forehead.] The holy weapons of legend, the protector tools of the world…have a failsafe based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Literally the Christian idea of the seven modes of thought that drive people to self-centered and destructive behavior. As a failsafe.
Anne: And not just a failsafe. A failsafe meant for them to be driven to a state where their basic reactions are Kill, Kill, Kill. Or roughly equivalent. So they can keep fighting. Uh-huh. Yeah. Definitely heroic weapons. Not at all making me relieved I got powers from something called a Calamity Box, nope. I certainly missed out on having both nearly-apocalyptic magic power and it literally bringing out the worst of my personality. Though, what even did he unlock?
Leliel: Well, you’d think, theologically, it’d be the Sloth Shield (despair, aggressive apathy, and resentment driving self-absorption) or the Envy Shield (desire to have the security that he’s been denied, paranoia, and self-loathing), or if you want a real deep cut, the Vainglory Shield as the Eighth Deadly Sin (desire to be perceived as something you are not), but no, it’s Wrath Shield. Which is, besides being incredibly cliche and basic for a Deadly Sins-themed hero to have when I’ve seen it used (because it promotes BIG STRONG MANLY RAGE, GRR, natch), also pretty key to what I think is the core power fantasy Naofumi appeals to - which will be for after this episode, but frankly, Wrath is the kind of sin a certain kind of garbage man refuses to see as a sin. I will note, however, that here, apparently what got Naofumi so angry he actively wants to destroy things, as implied by Wrath, is the unfairness inherent to losing a slave. Allow me to properly sympathize with him.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 193
Yukiko: Unfortunately, we are denied seeing the pyromancer bards from before turning the Wrath Shield’s flames back on themselves, when the show decides to embrace the power of Stockholm Syndrome, I mean found family, when in the real world Raphtalia slaps Motoyasu.
Chie: [Groan] Here we go…again. Get the button, I already have one for slapping the guy who freed her for daring to have insurance against Naofumi making Spear Brand Pumpkin Feed Nut Mix…holy shit, Yukiko and Yosuke are rubbing off…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 151
{MALTY} Don't! Sir Motoyasu set you free!
{RAPHTALIA} I never asked anyone to free me. I was with Naofumi by choice!
Anne: *Raphtalia* “The fact that I had a mystic shock collar partly made from his blood applied before I traveled with him had absolutely no bearing on that decision!”
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 152
{MOTOYASU} But wait a second. I thought he was abusing you and that he was treating you badly.
Yukiko: Well, yes, but you are a Designated Wrong Person and reality retconned itself to make everything you said untrue. Actually, try expressing how distrustful you are of Malty, I wanna see what happens when a universe’s head explodes.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 153
{RAPHTALIA} You obviously know nothing about Master Naofumi.
Wanderer2691: *Motoyasu* “What, that he’s a sour, violent, bitter, and self-pitying whiner who thinks he needs a magical agonizer to make sure his supposed friends will stick around him?”
Anne: *Raphtalia* “...okay, that was pretty good.”
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 154
[MOTOYASU gasps]
[RAPHTALIA] He never abused me and he never made me do anything I couldn't do!
Chie: Against all laws of psychological probability, at the end of a mystical whip…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 155
{RAPHTALIA} He activated the curse when I was too scared to fight. He did it to protect both of us.
Leliel: Because he was too much of a dumbass to avoid the dog and the show bends over backwards to excuse corporal punishment - and last I checked, you only fought after he deactivated the curse. Are you trying to gaslight the audience or yourself?
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 156
[MOTOYASU grunts] And that's the problem! Nobody should ever be forced into a fight!
Wanderer2691: An extremely astute observation. However, Motoyasu, this show has clearly drawn Naofumi as the Chad, and you as the Scary Stu, so ipso facto, it totally won and doesn’t look like it is doing ad hominem rather than actually engage with the argument at all. Checkmate, abolitionists.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 157
[RAPHTALIA] Master Naofumi can't use any weapons! The Shield defends, so someone has to fight for him!
Chie: [Opens mouth]
{MOTOYASU}But you don't have to be that person. Don't you know he'll put you in danger every time?
Chie: You know, it’s always kind of weird when the show sporks itself…and thinks it’s defending itself…
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 158
[RAPHTALIA] Master Naofumi defends me! We work as a team and he always lets me rest when I'm tired!
Anne: Oh, so you mean he sometimes rests too and knows that he needs to keep his gladiatrix in top shape. Pull the other foot, it’s got bells on.
Yukiko: [Confused look, glances at leg]
Anne: Figure of speech!
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 159
Leliel: *Motoyasu* “...and even if he is, why does it matter? He still has a rune on you that zaps you without his input!” And as a personal note, note how shocked Motoyasu is drawn here. This show is sparing no expense in trying to convince you that Motoyasu is imperfect, so literally nothing he says is true on an emotional level. Like a lot of propaganda. I refer to the Ingsoc poster.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 160
{RAPHTALIA} Well you should think about this. He was ready and willing to help a sick, diseased slave who was on the verge of death. Master Naofumi fed me every day--healthy, nourishing food. Anything I wanted! Not only that, he gave me valuable medicines and treatments, and they cured my illness! Are you capable of such kindness?!
Yukiko: *Motoyasu, In A Better Series* “Well, actually no, I’m pretty bad with money. I don’t think I’d be as good at protecting and preserving a moderately expensive investment.”
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 165 (One for each clause.)
[MOTOYASU] O-Of course I am.
[RAPHTALIA] If that were true, you'd have someone loyal by your side, too, instead of that two-faced princess!
Wanderer2691: …so by that logic, since Malty was part of Naofumi’s party, he’s not truly capable of such kindness either. Yeah, this is obvious bullshit logic, which is more than I can say for this half-truth prattle.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 166
{MALTY} --Excuse me...? --How dare you say such things! Take that back, you damned demi-human!
Chie: [Throws up her hands] And now, thanks to your racism, we’re going to change subjects before Motoyasu has a chance to realize it’s bullshit! Great going, I have more reasons to hate you other than you being a plot-mandated dumbass!
RED MENACE: 61
Leliel: [Long moan of the damned that echoes weirdly loudly as the stains grow more wet-looking] Does anyone mind if we try to summarize the rest!?
Yukiko: Absolutely not. My brain is already trying to gnaw its way out of my skull to sweet freedom…
Leliel: Excellent! Okay, so Malty raising her voice draws the attention of Ren and Itsuki, who weren’t in on the cheating scheme and-
-motherfucker, I just realized why this franchise thinks Itsuki is redeemable while Motoyasu isn’t! He occasionally stans for Naofumi! ARGH!
Stains: [Start to turn a bloody pink color]
Wanderer2691: Okay, before whatever weird alien demon goop thing is in that clean job attacks us, or my co-sporker has an aneurysm, basically Ren points out that there was illegal interference, even though it was hard to see - please ignore the big purple-pink honking battle aura around Malty’s hand as she does an obvious gesture to summon it in response to Naofumi using literal monsters as help-
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 124 (One for claiming the obvious spell was hard to see, another for loudly ignoring the Balloons and what Naofumi was planning on having them do to Motoyasu.)
-both Itsuki and Ren realize that the nobles are keeping quiet on Aultcray’s orders and call him and Malty out for interfering to fudge the duel, and completely coincidentally help Naofumi weasel out of a bad situation where people were calling for execution. Because suddenly they like him as soon as it’s less inconvenient to the plot.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 125
Anne: And in a shot I’m sure won’t go anywhere at all, we see a priest and the Totes Not Evil Three Heroes Pope conferring:
Leliel: [Inhales, stabilizing his rage] …I’m pretty sure this is the actual start of events later in the series. Which was caused by two of the three Cardinal Heroes being nice to Naofumi. Don’t you just pity him?!
Chie: Anyway, away from the rage of the increasingly less sane sporker, we have Raphtalia approaching Naofumi gently, as he’s in full self-pity woe-is-me I-hate-having-this-shield mode, not helped by the Shield releasing Wrath flames, which I’m pretty sure aren’t helping, particularly given how he has angry red lines on his face too.
Anne: …I swear, that thing’s a cousin of Stormbringer - someone should check Ren’s sword, see if it sometimes turns black, rune-covered, and prone to laughing madly whenever slaughtering people.
Yukiko: You know, you’re going to have to explain that - anyway! She basically coaches him through his breakdown, heaping a bunch of praise on him that’s basically a repetition of everything we heard from her apologetics to Motoyasu - fuck it, we aren’t counting how many we did, we’ll just jack it up by ten.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 176
And besides that, she also brings up the fact he helped the villagers through the Wave, even if it wasn’t entirely altruistic, which I agree with - the issue is that it’s used to support her point he’s a good master, which is a contradiction in terms for a slave owner.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 177
Wanderer2691: But in any case, the flames die down, Naofumi’s kid-o-vision ceases, and he finally realizes Raphtalia is an adult - according to the script - and he snaps out of it, walking off with Raphtalia. A completely confused Motoyasu wonders WTF and thinks Raphtalia might still be brainwashed, to which Itsuki replies…
Leliel: [Takes a gander at Itsuki’s future actions] Uh, yeah, I think if the malignant narcissist is saying that a relationship obviously looks healthy and mutually supportive, that’s the moment you should be calling a therapist. Icing on the cake - Motoyasu is objectively right to wonder this, this is very much the kind of behavior you’d expect in the post-meltdown honeymoon phase of an abusive relationship. Which is a form of brainwashing.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 67 (This show thinks this is a humanizing moment. As evinced by this is the only time we hit this count, when Motoyasu was the designated antagonist of this episode, this show is full of shit.)
Yukiko: And in the ending scenes, we get Naofumi and Raphtalia looking over the capital city at dawn, his taste restored to enjoy some leftovers as he realized someone cares about him, and Raphtalia confirms that leveling up as a child means demihumans have accelerated growth, and that’s why “we are seen as unnatural creatures, always abused and discriminated against.” Which isn’t how discrimination really works, there’s generally a more cynical socioeconomic reason behind that kind of discrimination, slavery especially, but okay.
Chie: And so Naofumi finally allows himself to accept Raphtalia’s a grown woman and peer now, ready to embark on a new journey together into the future. Happy and supportive, with Raphtalia attending to his every emotional need. How wonderful, especially with all the sweet romantic undertones…
…
(https://media1.tenor.com/m/uuiFFfwjoS4AAAAd/vomiting-ill.gif)
Wanderer2691: SHE. IS FUCKING. TEN. YEARS. OLD. AND SHE. IS ACTING. MATERNAL. TO. HER OWNER.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 72 (Pretty key to her future characterization, also it’s just fractally gross.)
I. HATE. THIS. SHOW.
Stains: [Turn even more pink as Chie’s vomit reaches them]
Yukiko: [Hands her girlfriend a Dokudami Tea] While I’m cleaning this up - Anne, mind explaining the reference? I think Leliel might be able to add to it.
Anne: With pleasure!
(https://stormbringer.fandom.com/wiki/Stormbringer)
Anne: Marcy introduced me to this while she was trying to show how she felt during her evil turn, and I immediately liked it as kind of applicable to people I knew in Amphibia and - well, it’s cool in a scary way. Stormbringer is the main weapon of Elric of Melnibone, main character of a series of novels made by classic sci-fi and fantasy author Michael Moorcock. If you’re wondering why Dungeons and Dragons has Law and Chaos as cosmic alignments, it’s because the idea came from him - as did the refinement that Good and Evil are separate things, because left to their own devices, Law and Chaos are assholes. Humans have a tendency to prefer Law wherever we show up in the multiverse, because Law also includes things like recognizing right and wrong or fairness, but extremity turns you into a fun-hating fascist that would freeze the world into stasis just to stop things changing and possibly going wrong, and Chaos - well, Chaos doesn’t care to begin with, and often does wrong to annoy Law. Elric’s a member of a naturally Chaos-aligned people, the dragon-descended Melniboneans, and is actually the emperor of their last city - not that it matters, because besides Meniboneans being self-absorbed jerks as a rule (their Chaotic-tinted natures means they have emotions closer to those of cats than we social ape people, and they actively avoid learning how to have a conscience), generations of inbreeding made it so Elric kinda hit the worst numbers in the genetic lottery - albinism is the least of his health issues.
(https://stormbringer.fandom.com/wiki/Elric_of_Melniboné)
Wanderer2691: Add that to the fact that, accidentally, his abusive father did teach Elric a conscience, albeit a shaky one, and other Melniboneans thumb their noses at him, at best. Which made him an ideal candidate for his world’s Eternal Champion, the representative of Balance in the Multiverse, who is often incarnated into a world to correct an excess of Law or Chaos that isn’t naturally correcting itself…and he wishes he wasn’t. Being an aspect of the Champion sucks due to the fact that the kind of imbalance that provokes an incarnation makes an apocalypse all but necessary, and so they’re almost always at least personally tragic - the Balance’s demands means the Champion can never love, never rest, never even truly die (though most, at least, retire in the multiversal utopia of Tanelorn, where they can at least take a vacation between crises). For Elric, it’s even worse, because his own people are part of the imbalance - they can’t survive the turning of the age that he heralds.
Anne: And that ties into Stormbringer, an aspect of the Black Blade that other Eternal Champions wield…which actively hates them as part of its nature to force them to destroy the world as they know it. In the case of Stormbringer, it is actually a powerful demonic Lord of Chaos in sword form, personifying bloodthirst and hunger - and spurs its wielder to kill all that which they hate and love, so that all they can do is fight and focus on nothing but fighting. It’s a perfect weapon - one scratch, and it can rip the soul out of someone it wounded and use the life force to empower its wielder, as one of its basic abilities - but it knows Elric relies on it to actually live without a constant series of medicinal doses, let alone fight, and gleefully and blatantly taunts him with how much he needs it even as it’s driving him on.
(https://stormbringer.fandom.com/wiki/Stormbringer)
Honestly, if you see an evil weapon that almost certainly has a mind of its own in Western fiction and fiction inspired by it? You’re thinking of something inspired, at least distantly, by Stormbringer. Something its wielder needs, but desperately wishes he didn’t, as it brings out the worst in him…
Sort of like, I don’t know, a Shield of Wrath that’s clearly provoking Naofumi to get ever angrier when he’s beaten down.
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Curse_Series/Weapon_List#Wrath_Series)
Leliel: And here’s where I come in with how this all links to Shield Hero - quite simply, I think that Rising of the Shield Hero bumblefucked into what Stormbringer is conceptually mocking, a weapon that inherently makes you godlike and special, without actually working for it (with Elric himself being a mockery of several sword-and-sorcery tropes at the time). Except especially insidious, as the show is attempting to convince us with this whole ‘I hate the Shield’ business, combined with Raphtalia’s pep talk (I skipped over it, but she focuses on how Naofumi used the Shield to save a lot of people) is essentially acknowledging the Legendary Shield is a massive burden - but in a way that makes Naofumi more of Teh Awesmoe Heroh by trying to hype him up as someone willing to accept the agony for others…all while slipping in the Wrath Shield and hoping you don’t notice it’s actively making him worse.
Wanderer2691: You forgot something - actively making him worse until Da Bestest Waifu, Raphtalia, brought him out of it through the power of love-according-to-this-series, and so making her even more of a prize. And looking at the wiki, he’s the only one in the current run of the Light Novels so far to “master” the Curse Series and awaken its positive emotion-powered counterpart, the Bless Series. Except he didn’t, that was due to the self-sacrifice of a different slave he purchased long after this arc to force that “Shield of Compassion” to awaken, and while Curse Series seem a dime a dozen among more powerful heroes, the description implies they emotions that might lead to awakening the Bless Series, like the Wrath Shield muting empathy (citation: https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Bless_Series). We think the franchise wants us to think Naofumi is Just That Awesome…but the circumstances imply the Curse Series actively tries to stop the Bless Series from awakening, and thus rebalancing their wielders. Basically, it comes off like there’s a Secret Evil Switch in the Legendary Weapons meant to latch into the Heroes when they’re down and bring out the worst in them to drive them to fight - an entire multiversal arsenal of Stormbringers. Ain’t that a pleasant thought?
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CosmicHorrorReveal)
Leliel: And here’s the thing - that sounds cool! Hell, one could even have a really idealistic, life-affirming story if it’s revealed the Legendary Weapons are meant to be tools of endless war and destruction. Because another theme of FullMetal Alchemist, in the manga and Brotherhood, is that the Seven Deadly Sins are ultimately not evil in and of themselves; they’re dark thoughts everyone has, and trying to deny them just makes them grow warped and stronger, but engaging with them leads to personal growth as you understand the core reasons for them. It’s most blatant with Greed and his arc, as we quickly realize the reason he’s a rogue homunculus is that, unlike his siblings, he’s not satisfied with being able to bully others from a position of strength, for greed as a concept implies both the ability to want value and assign value - but I digress, earmarking that rant for after the full reveal of the Wrath Shield. But this show doesn’t do that. It doesn’t want that, because the people that Naofumi is trying to appeal to as a power fantasy don’t want to be told that too much wrath and anger is bad for them.
(https://mocostudent.org/2020/03/toxic-masculinity-creates-a-vicious-cycle-of-insecurity-and-abuse-but-it-can-be-stopped/)
The concept “toxic masculinity” gets thrown around a lot, but thinking about how Naofumi is presented - I’m not sure there’s any other way to describe how he acts or what his pressession is. He starts off as a rather okay, affable guy, a bit naive but well-meaning - and then he gets stabbed in the back by the Ultimate Evil Woman, Malty, becomes paranoid and distrustful, and from that point, becomes a stoic wanderer who constantly downplays his noble traits and only does things for others if he feels it’s his duty or he has something of a reward promised, but can easily be talked down from overcharging. Faced with trusting others, he reverts to slavery and a shock collar for fear of being used again, and said slaves inevitably come to be personally loyal and willingly wear it to show their trustworthiness, and that paranoia gets him Raphtalia, the ultimate submissive wife-sister-child-mother-whatever figure in the process, who makes sure the corruptive power of the Wrath Shield never gets overwhelming. When we actually see the Wrath Shield, we find it regularly saves Naofumi’s ass, but before it can hurt or corrupt him, his found-family-he-bought bring him out of the destructive rages it sends him into, meaning he always wins without much cost due to not only his anger, but uncritical acceptance of his anger. In other words, the anger, stoicism, and benevolent sexism and patriarchy of his post-Malty social relationships are an unambiguous positive. If this had more of a toxic masculine overtone, I’d be calling in the hazardous materials guys to safely dispose of the carcinogenic levels of testosterone!
Wanderer2691: And to a certain kind of gross nerd culture, this is affirming. Validating. Comforting - because it is basically telling them that they, too, can be this ideal of manhood that they’ve been sold on their whole lives while remaining fundamentally geeky and enjoying the fantasy of being a chosen hero. Except this idea of manhood itself is suspect - constantly subhorning all your emotions to anger, forcing women to help you through your emotional crises, viewing all relationships as transactional, and literally forcing people to pretend they like you so you feel safe trusting them…at best, it’s a great way to charge into emotional burnout from the stress. At worst, it makes you…well, a monster. A villain. Re:Zero does this better, as it does with most things Rising of the Shield Hero attempts - what breaks Subaru out of his initial sucky loop of constantly being murdered by bandits was calling for help rather than trying to outlast them while learning their fighting style across loops…and a what-if story shows that if he did try to loop his way to victory alone, the toxic behaviors he learned would turn him into the main antagonist of the franchise. One who was only capable of being beaten because after looping so constantly to win by endurance, he’s so broken by exhaustion and loneliness that some part of him wants to die. Which really explains a lot of the hate some have of him, because that’s basically walking up to the toxic ideal of manhood, spitting in his eye, and telling him that you’re entirely sure he’s condemned himself to an early death with all the steroid abuse he’s clearly done.
Leliel: And that, friends, is why I think that the “Legendary Weapons are Evil” plotline was never even considered in spite of the worldbuilding implying so and being perfect for it - because like I said, Moorcock always intended Stormbringer to be a satire of “legendary weapons that make their wielders special”, I think there’s quotes to that effect. It does, but at the same time it actively forces you to become a miserable, tragic figure that constantly subverts your will in the name of being an ever-better warrior with no capacity to be anything else. To the mind of toxic masculinity, this is roughly akin to stating your penis is plotting against you - if you have a sword, you have Strength and Power and Macho, please ignore that, unlike a dinky little knife, hurting people is all it’s good at. While Naofumi has a shield, I can’t help but notice even here, he often doesn’t actually use it as such, not even in the sense of turning the strength of others against them - and in fact, he used Balloons when faced with lacking as much offensive power, almost like he doesn’t have confidence in it without aggressive hurting power. And the show sweeps that under the table, because the whole driver here was that without his gladiatrix, Naofumi is useless, and that was what Malty intended. Because the Shield isn’t his sword, Raphtalia is - explicitly so, she regularly calls herself that. In other words, this whole episode was about Naofumi clinging on to his substitute penis - and said substitute penis happens to be a female slave, viewed by the show as an object to be won. Do you see the issue here?
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 138
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 243
Big ol’ fifty to both, because of how this entire multiversal system is set up to avoid asking any awkward questions it might raise because it might offend very loud people online, and how it’s meant, ultimately, to make Naofumi, and the audience, think that the most blatant and obvious character flaw of all, quickness to anger and expecting others to clean up for you, is admirable. Fuck that noise - when it comes down to it, Naofumi isn’t the main character of Django Unchained, he’s what the heroes of that flick want to kill.
Wanderer2691: Speaking of, how’s the vomit coming along?
Chie: [Recovered, but staring at very pink stains uncomfortably) Uh…the vomit’s gone, but I’m not sure it’s safe to touch…whatever those are. So they stay, but…I’m gonna step away from those…
Stains: [Glow softly]
Leliel: Yeah…just gonna dial up the hazardous team while the next-what do you mean, no service?! [Sigh] We’ll get it later…what’s on the menu next?
Episode 5: Filo
Leliel: …oh look at the time damn looks like we’ll have to continue the sporking next time guys see you ‘round! [Tries to run off, is tripped by Yukiko]
Yukiko: If it is that painful, we’re doing it now. Especially because I would really like to know what those stains are.
Leliel: [Grumbles, gets up] Fine. If you want to subject yourself to agony, I’ll be happy to suffer with you. So, we open on a…hoo boy, this is going to lead to discussions…
Anne: …the dressing? I see a woman being clothed by maids. She’s rich, but-
Wanderer2691: Everyone, meet the supposed actual holder of power in Melromarc, and living Get Out Of Jail Free Card after she makes a more full appearance and is formally introduced, Queen Mirellia Q Melromarc. Aultcray’s wife, and actual sovereign, despite the lack of a regnal number.
Anne: …oh. She doesn’t…do much good, does she…
Leliel: Not really - as we’ll see, she mostly exists to serve as an excuse on the political side to protect our precious self-insert…and nothing else. In spite of the fact she could probably solve about 85% of the social issues personally, and has the motive to do so…except of course, for slavery, because that’s something the self-insert uses! Trust me, she might be one of the most useless, passive, and often outright asshole rulers in fiction, and makes many kings actively written to be incompetent lunatics look like saints with the political acumen that would make Niccolo Machiavelli weep with pride. But since she’s ostensibly on the side of our hero, this show’s lips are thoroughly attached to her rear. Believe me, Mirellia existing - and certain actions later in the series - singlehandedly gives a Malty dark backstory that almost excuses her actions and makes her a figure of pity, and might want to start a support group with Azula for scheming princesses with oh-god-why levels of parental issues.
Chie: That…ominous rant aside, she’s mostly harmless in this scene, talking with a woman in a mask, who were later learn is called a Shadow (of the Crown, natch - they’re spies) about the news from Melromarc.
Wanderer2691: Mostly is not entirely, because we get two very notable aspects of who she is right here and now. Ahem:
[MIRELLIA] Is that what the king has been up to?
Anne: Uh…aren’t you the actual sovereign? And even if you weren’t, Malty isn’t queen yet, so a message from you to her and him to cut shit out would easily-
[MIRELLIA] How is the Shield Hero holding up?
{SHADOW} He procured a demi-human girl from a sl*ve trader a while ago.
[MIRELLIA] Is that so?
[Beat]
Anne: …Please tell me she’s being sarcastic or relieved she’ll be able to emphasize the Shield Devil is horrible easily with that tidbit?
Wanderer2691: We sincerely wish we could. Mircellia hates the Church of the Three Heroes and is laboring under the same delusion Raphtalia is that the Shield is meant to protect demihumans, which she allegedly sympathizes with. She’s giving her genuine relief that Naofumi bought a friend.
Anne: Ah. So, basically, she approves of this bullshit on some level and is likely plotting world domination as we speak.
Leliel: Except, of course, when it’d make Naofumi look secure enough to, I dunno, not do slavery!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARD-
Leliel: Actually, given how this is something she’d be entirely expected to do in order to rein in her husband, the weaker side of the royal couple in this supposed matriarchy? Fuck it, we ball! New subcount!
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 139
This subcount of WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD, named by (and used with permission of) LanWan on Discord when I asked for ideas, will be used whenever this supposed matriarchy looks suspiciously patriarchal, in both a cultural and political sense - as well as a good descriptor of Queen Useless and her inability to actually use her political power in any direct way up there, and what Naofumi does to his slave totes-not-a-harem.
Yukiko: In fact, now that it’s official…backpoints! The Pope looks awfully male for a female-led country’s religion, and all shopkeepers we’ve seen so far are also guys, and I haven’t seen a single girl in armor or male musicians in fanservicey outfits in the party. So, because the Pope is a really important position and to cover the sausage fest, fifty more points!
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 189
Wanderer2691: We’re also going to use this whenever Mirella does something moronic or counter to her supposed ideas, both because we hate her and also because it shows her suborning her interests to the all-male Cardinal Heroes, including Naofumi, or her husband, who supposedly rules in her absence at her sufferance. Great backbone, Your Highness, certainly one I’d trust in a leader in a crisis. You know, if your tacit approval of slavery of people you respect didn’t already make the Robespierre Option look appealing:
Leliel: Thankfully, our time with the female version of Louis XIV here isn’t long, and mostly just her reflecting on some diplomatic ripples made by summoning the Four Heroes that affect her mission to the country she’s in and telling the Shadow to get to work, and we pan out…
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Faubrey)
Anne: …you know. Leaving aside the fact that this has “yep, the Queen’s negotiating with the bad guys and their rapacious advanced industrial war machine” all over it - especially given the British-looking troopers - why, oh why does Melromarc not have this level of industrialization? If technology doesn’t conflict with magic, then why not have both, especially with whoever these people are doing so already?
Wanderer2691: Leaving aside a discussion on how technology is used to meet a need and what looks advanced to us isn’t necessarily the path technology takes - if you have universal magic, it’s entirely possible the world looks medieval because the advancement of spells to increase quality of life does not require industrial refineries and the like - this is Faubrey, and it is supposed to be that evil-seeming. Except, as we’ll see, Faubrey is such a nightmare for women that Mirella even being here to defuse tensions is somewhat cowardly and a betrayal of her gender…
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 190
…and later, a place to put Takt, basically Turbo-Motoyasu, so that Naofumi has a conveniently worse person to oppose. Thankfully, the anime has not reached that point yet at the time of this sporking, and Season 2 doesn’t cover it, so we will not need to think overmuch about this awful place, and it’s awful relevance to the plot, until the summary of important future events at the end.
Chie: This awful place, on the other hand…I’m gonna ask we summarize the best I can because…it’s basically a recap of the last episode. Which we just saw.
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 3
Yukiko: Gladly! So, basically, Aultcray tries to claim some sort of victory after Raphtalia did not play along with his scheme to cruelly free her to hurt Naofumi - which I don’t blame him for not expecting, as Aultcray has a brain - so he tries to charge Naofumi his 500 silver stipend for the price of breaking the slave crest spell. Itsuki and Ren, continuing to be what this show thinks are the “good heroes” out of the Three, really occasional Naofumi cheerleaders, step in.
[ITSUKI] Wait a second, that's not gonna fly. You were the one interfering in his duel, dispelling that...slave crest, or whatever you call it, and now you refuse to pay him what he deserves? That isn't exactly fair play.
{REN} Yeah, that's right. If you'd followed the rules, Naofumi clearly would've won the duel.
{MOTOYASU}: Wha--Are you crazy? I didn't lose!
Wanderer2691: This is objectively correct, good point - and also, if you followed the rules, no shit Naofumi would have won - he cheated.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 69 (This show thinks it should be one to the Spear Hero, but A), it’s wrong, it’s Ren and Itsuki sabotaging him in the name of the Stu, and B), we are not dignifying it with the Goofy Number by an action Motoyasu does when it really, really wants us to believe he’s a sexual creep. It doesn’t deserve us playing its game.)
Anne: And the show also does a really insidious thing here, when it, itself points out what Naofumi did as a cheat…
…spoken through the lips of the Red Menace herself, so as to make it seem like only Malty cares about little things like “Naofumi literally tricked Motoyasu into a situation where he was about to be forcefully de-faced and castrated by Balloons”, and the show tries to use Itsuki to say that it doesn’t count because Malty cheated with her gust. Please ignore that was in response to the aforementioned castration threat, which is conveniently edited out of the budget-saving episode flashback. Previous points stay due to this coming off like an ass-covering, with one extra for the blatant manipulation:
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 125 (Trying to wave away criticism by having the Incel Scarecrow doing this just makes it more obvious how the show is twisting coincidence.)
Chie: And also, aren’t the only ones arguing against this guys? Against the princess, of all supposedly-more-respected women?
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 190
Leliel: Also, giggling at the entirely unintentional foreshadowing that Itsuki’s probably the most objectively terrible Hero overall, even if Motoyasu’s a worse pervert. But Ren actually raises a good point that Naofumi did actually help people and keep casualties down to single digits, and it’d look bad to ignore that. Exactly why Aultcray gives him the time of day when everyone else in the room just loathes the Shield Devil as a concept and someone else who was far more acceptable is claiming credit is unspoken…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 126
…but he grudgingly listens and gives over the silver, and both Raphtalia and Naofumi happily vamoose the area, and after the opening we go along with them to…to…mother fucker, it’s this bullshit at last.
Yukiko: [Alarmed] Wait what-
Yukiko: …they did not.
{BELOUKAS} There we go! She now has one brand-new slave crest.
[NAOFUMI] There was no need to get another one, you know.
Yukiko: THERE REALLY WASN’T WHAT THE FUCK IS-
Yukiko: [stares silently, as a pot begins to steam whistle somewhere]
Wanderer2691: ‘Scuse me, gotta turn these on- [activates fire shutters around spork chamber and quickly doles out Magic Mirrors to reflect spells]
Yukiko:
Leliel: [Checks out scorches, and the apparently flame-loving stains, with nonplussed expression]
After Pyra, this is a two-for-two of pleasant fire-based women literally exploding. Maybe we should invest in a blast silo.
Wanderer2691: I dread the day you drag Toriel into this…
Yukiko: [Completely unaware of her Persona behind her, still spitting flame] I…this…just…what is even…DO I EVEN NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS?! Do I need to exposit on how fucking toxic this is?! Literally putting a shock collar back on to show your devotion to a slave owner?! Which is her own idea?! And the soft, “romantic” music in regards to someone who is ten - how much more creepy can this get!?
Anne: [Slowly picks her jaw up] Was…was “obvious flirtation and tracking shot of boobs as Raphtalia literally shows off her slave crest like it’s a tattoo she’s proud of but Naofumi is distracted by the Shield actively giving him a new form for being a slaver on your list?
Yukiko: [Silently stares, aghast.] …I’m out. I’m fucking done. [Wheels on her chair towards the bathroom] I’m taking a break. Call me when this scene is over. Fuck you, and fuck this show.
Chie: Yuki…Yuki-! [Door slams shut] Dammit! And now the stains are definitely oozing - if those things react to negative emotion, well…they’re eating well. Not surprising that Yukiko’s the first to break, given how even inheriting an inn and a lot of money made her feel trapped by expectations for a bit…this is literally the antithesis of her.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 217
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 122
At least the 50-point buttons for plot crucial elements are working fine after the explosion.
Leliel: You’re welcome! But yeah, as if this couldn’t be worse…
[BELOUKAS] I'm amazed. You've helped this scrawny bag of bones grow so much in such a short span of time. You could get {twenty gold pieces} for her if she was a virgin!
Wanderer2691: …hey kids, here’s a fun game! Can you match the expression to each of the four sporkers currently not having a breakdown on the toilet?
(https://www.reddit.com/r/MemePiece/comments/ek69h1/new_shocked_faces/)
{RAPHTALIA}: But I am a virgin!
{BELOUKAS}: Thirty-five gold pieces!
Chie: [Turns green again] …does this show…know why virgins would be more valuable to even grosser slavers?
Anne: Given that whole rant about toxic masculinity catering…I’m thinking that isn’t a bug…
Leliel: That…lovely bit of creepiness out of the way, I’m also going to be pedantic and ask why female virginity is more valuable in this here matriarchy. Because female dominance also implies, oh yeah, assumed active sexuality. Along with literal sex trafficking of women being allowed at all when rape, implicity of male-on-female, is a capital offense. Did I mention I think Mirellia is maybe the worst and most incompetent authority figure in this show yet? Twenty points, for such a gross joke existing and being seemingly semi-serious.
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 142
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 210
{NAOFUMI} Wow, 35 gold pieces.
Wanderer2691: And for you too for continuing it, you unfunny sexist douchebag!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 263
Leliel: Continuing on in the theme of “Beloukas is a scumfuck the show thinks is funny and useful”, Naofumi notices his “monster egg lottery”:
A hundred silvers gets you an unidentified egg, which contains at least an item for Square Enix to cite in the inevitable lawsuit - er, a filolial chick, and one has a dragon worth twenty gold. Which sounds suspiciously like - uh oh.
Leliel: …everyone DUCK!
Wanderer2691: …ga..chaaaAAAAAAAAH-
Chie: [Cautiously pokes head out from behind couch] Holy crap, where did you get that laser?!
Leliel: [Using extinguisher to put out fire in new hole in wall] Hate. He, uh, has a violent allergy to gacha in general. And given how we’ve been subjected to two episodes of Shield Hero, I suspect he reached some form of Nirvana of pure rage briefly and conjured that from the platonic idea of righteous wrath in the universal unconsciousness.
Anne: …well, at least it’s just a snark on how cynical and money-grubbing Beloukas is, he’s clearly not tempted-
[BELOUKAS] So, would you like to give it a shot? Act now and I'll give ya a package deal, sir! For that and the slave crest!
Anne: -oh right, Naofumi’s a moron. Silly me.
Wanderer2691: Honestly, this is probably unintentionally a good overview of how gacha games work and trick you. You were already paying for a different microtransaction, so they offer a discount on a pull that’s probably worth piss even in imaginary dollars, and once you discover the crap pull you’re motivated to pay for the full package to start again. On the one hand, I appreciate parting Naofumi from his money due to his shortsighted greed (yeah, he says it’s to help Raphtalia fight, but knowing gacha, a plain filolial’s probably more help if it slept out of the way of the fight), but on the other, of course he’s going to luck out because the plot says so - especially given the Horror that is in that egg. So, if you don’t mind me, I’m going to fry the Stress Zombie a few times with my new laser… [ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP…]
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 264
Chie: Thankfully, the next bit is just set up - hey Yuki! You can come out now!
Yukiko: [Moaning] Do I have to…[trudges out of the bathroom]
Anne: Yeah, sadly…but to summarize, as it turns out Lute had some relatives in the capital, who in thanks give Naofumi a recipe book for medicinal plants and a grimoire - aka, a spellbook. The magic shop lady also reveals Naofumi’s a natural with healing and support magic (though as seen, he’s been using weirdly aggressive versions) and Raphtalia has tanuki demihuman Light and Darkness magic, which ties into…illusions? I guess those both have to do with visions…not scorable items yet, but then she reveals crystal balls have spells preinstalled in this world, but her supply was brought out by Aultcray, who gave them to the other Three Heroes. The grimoire contains more magic, but you have to learn it - and Naofumi can’t read this world’s language. Apparently he can speak it just fine, if it’s not Japanese they’re speaking - while I can’t really hold myself over him, apparently Amphibia uses English itself and I know for a fact it wasn’t a translation spell, seems like kind of an oversight for the summoning spell to not get a written lexicon in there.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 211
Yukiko: And as one might expect, Raphtalia’s illiterate too, but given how there’s a month to the next wave, she and Naofumi decide to try and pick it up during the calm.
And sweet merciful heavens above, can you stop flirting with your slave master who is 10-some years older than you?! Gah!
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 143
Leliel: Thankfully, no more onscreen flirting happens for right now, as we cut to the next day, where the egg starts hatching and it becomes clear Naofumi isn’t great at probability math.
Chie: And here I was, expecting birds to have not grown feathers in the egg beyond downy fluff. I suppose that a fantasy totes-not-chocobo monster bird is different but - those are not comforting faces.
Leliel: The Horror…
Wanderer2691: She’s here. Just…just keep in mind these two lines about her…
[RAPHTALIA giggles] It must think you're its mother.
[NAOFUMI] Yeah. Imprinting, huh?
Leliel and Wanderer’s Minds:
[Both shiver in disgust, the slime mimicking them.]
Yukiko: …the siren call of the bathroom once again becoming audible aside, there’s a montage of the two days the chick grows, and with a speed only possible in a world that runs on JRPG rules, we get both a fully grown filolial and Naofumi being able to keep mounted on her competently when she’s dashing.
Anne: …this isn’t beating the Legally Distinct Chocobo allegations.
(https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Chocobo)
Particularly not in how adult filolial calls are, going by what she says, literally “Kewah!” (Script says “Gua!”, but that’s how the onomatopoeia hits us, as opposed to the transcriber. It’s still pretty close)
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 212
Wanderer2691: But, Naofumi thanks the bird’s adulthood a Growth Boost skill he got…offscreen…with the Beast Tamer’s Shield that was just seen in the stats screen…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 127 (It’d have been nice to have seen that instead of just being totes over a two-day montage where there’s no dialogue, and conveniently having the riding bird there for future use.)
…and not being the greatest namer in the world, just names her Filo.
Leliel: However, then they overhear the knights coming into the village, as escort for Motoyasu and company. Including, you guessed it, Malty.
Yukiko: …I don’t disagree with that particular song being here, and it’s a bit of a [snort]...stress relief, but are you going to post that every time the two of them drop in?
Leliel: I feel it’s appropriate for the level of oppressive menace they exert, versus what the show thinks they exert.
{MALTY}: […]has been appointed ruling lord of this region.
Chie: …uh, why? He’s a Chosen One, but still a mercenary; I can imagine Malty assuming control, and appointing him as her representative, but…wait. This is an attempt at making fun of other fantasy, isn’t it?
Wanderer2691: Pretty much. A good portion of games have a “homestead village” that you’re entrusted with, and in a lot of classic Dungeons And Dragons - which much of the Standard Japanese Fantasy Setting draws on - you’re expected to become the guardians or rulers of a small town that could become a kingdom, given its wargaming roots.
Yukiko: …which, naturally, is going to be ‘deconstructed’ here, but doesn’t at all explain how Aultcray was able to just cordon off Motoyasu into having lordship suddenly without some other local aristocrats very angrily charging in to demand why they just had a perfectly good village and its perfectly good renters suddenly cordoned off to the ultimate foreigner, Three Heroes Church or not. If this was something, I don’t know, the princess was doing, they’d be far more open to the idea to get in good with a royal, but even then you’d expect some agreements and shared custody. Heck, even in the case that some noble was donating it to Motoyasu out of sheer piety/desire to make the Church happy, you’d expect a stipulation to build a cathedral or three to show that yes, this is very much about the faith.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 213
Anne: …also, once again - Motoyasu is a dude. Why is this deeply status-obsessed matriarchy with a rigid social order - as shown by slaves and demihuman racism - not at all confused with a guy being a lord, suddenly?
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 214
{MALTY}: To help the rebuilding efforts, we've decided to levy a toll. This toll will be 50 silvers to enter the village and to exit.
Yukiko: …doesn’t a fairly good meal cost three coppers?
Leliel: It does, and for once, the insane pricing is acknowledged. Mostly because it makes Motoyasu look bad, but it is a legitimate issue, as Naofumi outlines - a night in the inn, food included, is a full silver, so entering and exiting is literally 100 nights worth in a place that is taking care of most of your needs, and Motoyasu is legitimately clueless.
Chie: Yeah, this is very clearly an issue where the Spear Guy is very much being a greedy dumbass. Remember, he may be the punching bag of the show for underhanded reasons using personal attacks in place of actual arguments, but sometimes, he just sucks - and sucks in so blatant a way we might hopefully forget he is entirely right about slavery.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 70
Anne: Though…Malty brings up a good point about Naofumi in the middle of this:
Anne: Seriously, why does everyone ignore this, and further, the fact it was attempted rape of Malty herself he’s accused of!? If she tried to blow him off a cliff with her magic, she’d have a lot of people arguing it was karma! Even though this is revealed to be the village of Lute and thus, most people here aren’t eager to kick out Naofumi, you’d expect the knights to make it official! Along with dozens of other reasons why attempted sexual assault of the princess is going to make your life hell when dealing with anyone official. To say nothing of this being a supposed matriarchy, I’d kind of expect Naofumi to face actual insults based on the perceived failures of his gender!
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 219 (One for each clause of that.)
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 128 (And one more for just…kinda letting Naofumi…be there. With the knights not realizing they can try to bully him off.)
Wanderer2691: Not that she’s secretly the hero or anything. Because when the villagers get unruly about the royal decree making Motoyasu Great Poo-Bah…
Anne: …preparing to send guys with spears against villagers for grumbling with that distinctly serial killer expression on her face. If this show hadn’t surgically removed Motoyasu’s brain, I wonder how that’d go over with him.
RED MENACE: 62
Yukiko: The bullet point on “Melromarc Revolution, Reasons for The” in the history textbook is averted, however, when the Shadow from before, along with an entourage, repels in and gives Malty a message from her mother…
Leliel: Whatever’s in there - wiki says it’s a message asking Malty to quit with the sudden appointment of Motoyasu for [insert reason here] - it really doesn’t sit well with her…
…and we get our first inkling of how utterly worthless Mircella is as queen. Because that implies that…whatever decree is in there, it’s apparently non-binding enough that Malty feels safe with trying to contest it with a duel or contest, as opposed to “no, shut up, you don’t get to just commandeer things.” Which is partly why she now shares a subcount with bad worldbuilding, as by all rights, Melromarc should be falling apart and we should see signs of rebels and contestors of the throne who smell weakness and feel obligated to take over and run things properly.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 220
Wanderer2691: Side note, Lels really hates the idea that the divine right of kings - read here, their family line - automatically makes you more competent than someone who has less inheritable claim to the throne…because usually in history, a loved ruler who didn’t technically have a right to the throne is suddenly found to have always had a claim, and new rulers always claim to be legitimate inheritors of old order in some way. An actual legit claim makes getting the throne in the first place (and usually more stable due to, well, legitimate inheritance), but medieval Europe was not stupid enough to think Bastardian the Beloved, first of his name, somehow did a worse job than Legimitimus the Baby Eater because his parentage is questionable. And as we will see, Mircella is quite possibly the best unintentional example of how being born to the throne often results in an outright vicious idiot for a queen, as it were.
Anne: But we digress. Naofumi doesn’t want to get involved, thinking this is all stupid, but the local lord mayor butts in…
{NOBLE}: Though it pains me to admit it, not even I, as the lord, can accept further taxation!
Yukiko: *Naofumi* “...then don’t? No contest, no stupid prize, especially without your consent.” … Except that also implies Mircella also isn’t exactly able-slash-willing to stop this stupid game, so Lute is a stupid prize. She certainly didn’t forbid it…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 222 (Considering it something of a more universal failure in law here than just Mircella having the administrative skills that result in the invention of guillotines, but two points for this being some kind of contest with official backing and recognition despite the queen’s disapproval and for the lord himself being unable to decide no, he’d rather not be part of this. That’s a recipe for brewing civil tension if I ever heard one.)
Wanderer2691: …though the actual reasoning isn’t exactly making Naofumi cover himself in glory. “Waaah, racing is too haaaaard, I’d rather let two people I hate play officially sponsored baaaaandiiiiiit!” Clearly that armor doesn’t have proper insulation, as Naofumi does not have his big boy pants on.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 265
Leliel: But, it seems like the villagers don’t have legal right to challenge a hero…no explanation as to why they just can’t not recognize the contest, still, especially with the Shadows right there to say that Mircella would not approve…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 223
But Filo makes the decision for them when she suddenly starts hissing at Motoyasu’s dragon, and the dragon starts glaring back. As Raphtalia reveals, filolials and dragons do not like each other one bit.
…and as a nitpick fueled by how Filo is The As Yet Hidden Horror and how this dragon looks like a proto-sapient Dragon King, which is a bit of Exalted I am quite fond of, I should note I took ornithology as part of my biology degree. Birds generally show aggression by puffing out their feathers and bobbing their heads a bit, not glaring. It’s a nitpick, so not worthy of a point, but given how…urp, parental imprinting seemed to work just fine - I feel that Filo should act like a bird in ways that don’t want me to drown myself in bleach.
Wanderer2691: Given how the wiki says it’s revealed filolials aren’t natural animals? I’m headcanoning this is a self-defense instinct due to dragons sensing the presence of life-warping alchemy that corrupts life and not liking the smell at all. Because fuck you, show, dragons are way cooler than your ripoff Sue Chocobos.
Ooze Stains: [Burble, crackle with energy]
Anne: …okay, next rant, I’m going to look up what that stuff is. But, finally pressured into it by Filo wanting to annoy a dragon and promise of a reward…yeah, very noble, Naofumi…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 266
…he finally agrees to race Motoyasu. However, as everyone is tacking up, Motoyasu decides to bully Naofumi a bit…
Yukiko: …yeah, okay, not defending him, he’s just being a prick here. Filo’s a ripoff, but I think the Spear Hero’s probably seen perfectly functional filolial mounts. He might be mocking Naofumi for riding a cart pony in his mind, but even that’s a bit iffy. It’s just… “birds are stupid”, apparently.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 71
Leliel: You have no idea how much we wished he stuck to that conviction…anyway, he rapidly discovers two things. One, Filo understands the local language well enough to pick up in insults, for another, there’s apparently secretary bird in the abomination of science that is the filolial genome:
Chie: Oooh, nice form! Though I wonder what she hit-
[Pales, looks away with all the others] …so. Uh, fun fact - did you know getting hit in the crotch is just as painful, if not more so, for girls? Guys just have…a larger target area, so it’s not as easy to hit a girl…there. Either way…ouch.
Anne: Yeah…I’d be amazed if Motoyasu is up for anything involving sitting after that. Though…somehow I don’t think Naofumi cares that his bird just might have removed Motoyasu’s ability to have children…
Yukiko: …of course not. What did you expect him to do, show compassion to the person who tried to take his property - er, mocked his bird? And lovely thing you’re teaching Filo there. That won’t make her unruly and violent at all, if her parent figure approves of the Dishonorable Kick when upset…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 267
Wanderer2691: And to beat in that Naofumi Is The Mostest Justified And Heroist, Raphtalia explicitly likes this in the dub…
[RAPHTALIA] I've never seen Master Naofumi laugh so much before. It suits him.
Chie: …so, you’re saying you get a kick out of him being a sadist. Holy shit he’s corrupting you fast. Eurgh.
Ooze Stains: [Bubble]
Wanderer2691: So, uh, before those things explode into tentacle monsters, let’s run through this - Motoyasu has his dignity and crotch treated offscreen, rendering that almost pointless enough for a filler point, but it actually ends up defining his interactions with Filo from then on, so unfortunately, it’s important. We cut to the start of the race, and we get the rules - three laps, starting from and ending at the front gate. And as soon as they’re off…
Anne: That dust is from Filo being so far ahead that the trail of dust she leaves behind keeps getting into Motoyasu and his dragon’s faces. What a cool and unexpected turnaround - wait, no, the other thing. Completely expected for this show and its hate of Motoyasu and refusal to let him do anything cool worth beating him over to actually make Naofumi seem like he’s working for it. Aren’t dragons more valuable than filolials?
Leliel: Here’s where I have to be mildly fair to this show; as a horse owner, I know that while, say, a thoroughbred (a racehorse breed) is far more capable of short bursts of speed than a draft horse (a breed meant more for heavy work and dressage), they also can’t keep up top speed or work as long. I can see dragons not having the speed of filolials in exchange for the natural weapons and being hardier in combat. On the other hand, this is never brought up, in spite of being a kind of fact that would help drive in how Motoyasu isn’t clear on important details and does make him a legitimately worse hero for understandable reasons, and as we’ll see with Filo, her even being there is an unknowing cheat due to completely outmatching anything Motoyasu could reasonably buy or know about. So Shield Hero is cheating again, albeit mostly due to the hand of fate boosting him.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 129
Speaking of cheating…
Chie: That’s a…pretty involved chant to instantly dig a shallow pit, not gonna lie.
Yukiko: My larynx already needs a sip of water after I call out my Persona and derivations of “Agi” a bit much during a fight - if I had to recite a poem every time I invoked a spell, I’d probably quit.
Wanderer2691: I don’t think all spells need to do that, mind, but that’s beside the point. Point is, Malty be Evil Cheating Woman, again - and for no great benefit, the Shadows are right there even if the sabotage is out of sight of the villagers. Yes, Motoyasu would lose otherwise, but the fact is, the only reason she’s even doing this race to begin with is that her mom’s mad at her - if she discovered Malty was outright forcing a victory after being told no…well then.
RED MENACE: 63
Anne: After a lap, Naofumi learns how to use Air Shield to bridge over the pit…hey, wait, if it sticks around, wouldn’t it trip Motoyasu up, you redhead birdbrain? …would that make her a cardinal? Whatever, she’s stupid, and the show is stupid for not knowing she’s stupid.
RED MENACE: 64
Yukiko: [Checks what a Northern cardinal is, then snickers] Hehehehee…I’m definitely using that in the future! But puns aside, as it turns out, even with a speed boost on his dragon and a debuff to Filo’s speed, she’s just that good to finish the race.
…because whoever heard of an main character losing at first to establish rival cred? Certainly not this show, it can’t be seen making the jock look cooler than the intender viewership’s self-insert power fantasy! Ever!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 130
Chie: But then, it’s suddenly sundown despite being the middle of the day beforehand, with the grateful lord thanking Naofumi for having rid themselves of Malty’s idea of taxes and being able to focus on rebuilding Lute in peace. However, as Naofumi dismounts, a weird glow comes from Filo, and, much to Naofumi’s surprise…
Chie: …we don’t see eye-to-eye on much, Shield Guy, but this is one where you and I are in perfect agreement. Also, because…well, it’s even more brazen than I thought…
(https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Fat_Chocobo)
Leliel: Yep, Filo’s a Filolial Queen, the “boss” stage of development; filolials feed on the power of the Legendary Weapons and related artifacts to metamorphosize into God Chicken mode, making them extremely fast, extremely strong, and extremely goofy looking. Especially when they kick. Trust me, I think this design is a straight downgrade from the sleek “basic” filolial form and the humor potential isn’t worth it (this show’s not nearly clever enough), and was clearly only there because the franchise read Final Fantasy’s homework and search-replaced Chocobos completely and then added…we’ll get to that. But yeah, Naofumi was, in fact, unknowingly cheating, because even before she went queen, it’s likely she was being turbo-charged by the Shield…and Motoyasu’s dragon wasn’t, because this show hates every Cardinal Hero that isn’t Naofumi. Is this explicit? No, and in fact I do consider it a theory more than a fact…but that doesn’t change the fact that, once again, Naofumi lucked into something that makes him yet more OP; he has a god-fowl as a mount, now!
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 131
[MYNE] You cheated! You didn't tell us your filolial was really this massive tub of lard I see!
Anne: [Looks up from phone where she’s researching the stains] …well, first of all, screw fatphobia, this is literal biology of a bird - she’s goofy-looking, yeah but…oh so that’s why Leliel thinks the “humorous appearance” of Filolial Queens can be dropped! Yeah, point, if it’s just fat jokes…but also, lady, either your education is lacking on “this common domestic animal” or “deliberately insulting the boss form of said domestic animal.” Neither speaks well of how much you got going on up there, buster.
RED MENACE: 65
Yukiko: The lord of Lute points out that Filo literally only transformed after the race was over - which doesn’t account for the fact that illusion magic is a thing that is known to exist and Raphtalia’s people have a natural affinity with, but okay - and he saw the holes that suddenly appeared in the road. As do the Shadows, who reveal they picked up both that there’s a bunch of Earth magic and [insert whatever is the proper name of the debuff element here] magic, and that they know Naofumi’s thing is healing and support, and Raphtalia’s is illusions, so Malty attempting to save her story by saying it was Naofumi doesn’t work. Some impressive spy work which I am not scoring for, they likely keep an eye on all the Cardinal Heroes to know…not so much Malty, who did all this while knowing perfectly well what her mother’s spies are capable of, and that they are present. How did she accidentally poison her own drink yet…?
RED MENACE: 66
Wanderer2691: Realizing they’re beat, Malty and Motoyasu storm off…and that’s the last direct effect this ever has, Mirellia doesn’t, y’know, censure her daughter for outright cheating to win a contest she disapproved of and didn’t want to happen. So this is likely to happen again and humiliate the royal family further - let’s just say that, even if he’s ultimately just the King Consort, Aultcray has every reason to be more well-regarded than his wife. He does shit.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 224
Leliel: As he leaves, Motoyasu decides to salvage his dignity one last time, saying he let Naofumi win and…
{NAOFUMI} Hey now, how's your crotch doin'?
Anne: …okay, yeah dude, you deserved that. Let it go, Motoyasu…and again, don’t insult the weight of the god-fowl. Or anyone else as a general rule, but especially not the god-fowl.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 72
Chie: As a side note, when Motoyasu slinks off, he starts hurting…down there again. Clearly, even healing magic does not make “riding on a saddle after a groin hit” any better an idea…and also deprives the Scary Stu of any dignity as he limps off. Well, any intentional dignity for still walking at all post Chicken Nutcracker.
Yukiko: That…snerk, distinct image aside, the lord offers his thanks and wishes a few days to gather a proper reward for Naofumi, but he turns down anything monetary; those are village rebuilding funds, and he doesn’t need to make his reputation worse. Which, given how it does result in poor people not having to give up money, is a bit of selfishness I am cool with and willing to read as “better person than he thinks”, for once.
Anne: As a substitute, they fix up a wagon that Filo becomes interested in, as apparently, filolials have an instinctive desire to draw carts. So, yeah, definitely a magical creation with inborn behaviors, not…y’know, an actual animal that needs to be trained.
Leliel: This is a nitpick, along with the position of the collar (it looks uncomfortable that high up on the neck, but it’s not like there’s any other place it fits), so..wait..is..is Naofumi…holding…reins of…leather…[Suddenly turns green, rushes off to bathroom with Wanderer to puke]
Ooze Stains: [Really bubble and crackle]
Wanderer2691: [comes out after a long minute] Well…he won the rock-paper-scissors hand, so he gets to research slime…I have to do the rest of this…great.
Anne: …I am not liking the sound of any of that…but Raphtalia gets seasick from the bumpy road and they decide to camp for the night. As they talk, it’s revealed that the lord of Lute gave him a pass that marks him as a licensed merchant.
Yukiko: …for the three seconds it will take before they notice the Shield, then they arrest you for stealing it or bring in that guy for interrogation with how he was serving the Shield Devil. In a world where most road guards are not morons.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 225
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 132
Chie: So, Naofumi decides he can both be a traveling merchant and level grind - which I’m sure won’t result in some profit-motive driven actions that conflict with heroism at all - and he prepares to sleep, only for it to be revealed why it’s a good thing Filo likes pulling carts and her owner:
Wanderer2691: [Retches] …did you have to say ‘owner’? I get why but…oh God I’m going into dry heaves…
Yukiko: Oh come on, will you stop making the dreading even worse, now we’re reaching horror movies even I find scary…so anyway, Naofumi drifts off to sleep, and is awoken by-
{NAOFUMI}: {Your feathers are stuffy as hell, you know.}
[FILO] Meanie!
-excuse me what?
Anne: ...That. Was the bird.
Wanderer2691: Yep.
Chie: The ripoff Chocobo…no, the avian cart pony…can talk. She’s sapient. And her species is sold as the gacha bad pulls. She’s literally a slave…that enjoys being a slave. Instinctually.
Wanderer2691: Oh, Chie, you sweet summer child…viewers, I warn you…
[YOU SAW THAT WARNING UP THERE ABOUT UNDERAGE NUDITY? WELP, HERE IT IS. DISCRETION IS ADVISED.]
Yukiko: [Pale, keeps scrolling] So, Raphtalia wakes up Naofumi, staring in disbelief and shock, which takes Raphtalia petting Filo to notice…to notice…
…uhhhh….
{[FILO stands up, revealing herself to be completely naked, decency only kept via strategically placed hair bangs]} Master, hi! Good morning!
Chie: Uhhhhhhh…..
Wanderer2691: By the way…while, for the same reasons we decided against showing the fucking Godiva Hair Minor thing, we also cropped that image. In the full shot, the bottom of Filo’s entire human body is visible, and bare naked, including the contours of her ass from the side. And all of her thighs, including her inner ones.
Anne: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH…..
Wanderer2691: Oh yeah, and it gets fucking worse! Because…well, this is what she looks like, thankfully fully clothed…
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Filo)
And…okay, first of all, banning all discussion on loli characters as a concept in the comments, that’s already a can of worms and more importantly, misses that in this case, Filo is less than a month old and views Naofumi as her adopted father due to bird imprinting. There are PLENTY of reasons she is The Horror beyond design alone.
Girls: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH…….
Wanderer2691: BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Because, this is her first personality establishing line…
YEP! Filo’s pretty much written like a young, rather spoiled child who frequently loses track of the world around her and spaces out like a toddler…AND SHE’S PROBABLY THE MOST SEXUALLY FORWARD OUT OF ALL OF NAOFUMI’S TOTES-NOT-A-SLAVE HAREM.
[Yukiko.exe, Chie.punch, and Anne.ribbit have performed an illegal operation and need to reboot, please wait for the unfreeze.]
Wanderer2691: So, while I fasten my earmuffs for the inevitable scream, I’m just going to drop one hundred points on each of these counts, because besides the…the everything about how Filo and her being part of the platonic-and-desperately-wants-to-be-more harem, we’ll see that she is actively volunteering for her own service as a shapeshifting cart pony, and will continue to do so.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 317
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 243
Ooze Stains: [Start to bubble in time with the girls’ eyes twitching as they stare in horror]
Wanderer2691: Yeah…sorry Anne, the rant just wasn’t long enough to figure out-
Leliel: [Charges out] SHIT SHIT SHIT END THE SCENE NOW DON’T SHOW THEM FIL-oh hell…
Wanderer2691: …Lels?
Leliel: Yeah…I finally figured out what those stains are. It’s the Mood Slime from Ghostbusters 2…
Wanderer2691: …you mean…you mean the stuff that feeds on negative emotion to manifest ghosts.
Leliel: [Places order for Poltergust G-00s] Yep…
Girls: [Inhale as one]
Stains: [Explode into necromantic energies, which possess the screen and the projector - causing the copy of Rising of the Shield Hero to spontaneously combust]
Wanderer2691: Ghosts with good taste, at least. Though, now it’s playing a video of…an ocean? With…a ship rising from the water…with a Jolly Roger…and a guy on board who is looking at the screen…
Leliel: [Backing up] Though…good musical taste too at least for the soundtrack. Though, why is he crouch-
Figure: [Launches himself straight at the screen, two dark blades in front of him which - pierce through it.]
Yukiko: [Snapped to reality] CHIE GET BEHIND ME-
[Figure tears open the screen to release a tide of dark water and grey energy shaped like a skeletal crow, along with the sweet smell of honey and pomegranates. He rolls through, grabbing Leliel by the neck with the flat of his his swords.]
Dark Sailor: Ẅ̵͓́H̶̦̓E̵̡͌R̵̻̂E̴̤͆ ̶͖̎I̶͕͠S̵̫̐ ̵̗̄S̸̝̔H̵͎̒E̷̯̐?̸̕ͅ!̷̳̕
Leliel: I don’t-
Dark Sailor: IANTHA! KADHAR! PRAECONINUS! Y̶O̶U̴ ̷T̶O̷O̴K̵ ̴H̶E̸R̷ ̴I̸N̴ ̸T̸H̴A̸T̶ ̶M̵O̶N̶S̸T̴E̵R̸ ̴O̵F̶ ̴Y̵O̸U̴R̵S̶!̸
Leliel: Iana? OH SHIT SHE’S FINE DON’T-
Dark Sailor: D̴͇͊O̷̤̫͘͝N̷̺͠’̸̳̉T̴͎̉ ̶̖̯̅̅D̶̼̮̚Ǎ̴͚̕Ṙ̵̺E̷̟̣̔ ̷̧̨̂L̴̮̠̐͗Ȉ̷̗̠E̸̢̘̐!̷̯́ ̷̝͎̚W̵̙̑ͅH̶͕̾È̸̢͕͐R̵̛̻̰E̴̬̅!̸̐͜ ̸̨̦̈́Ȧ̵̩̒R̷͉͑͒E̸̲̽͝ ̴̼̦̄Y̵̭̓Ỏ̷̝̣U̴̺͝ ̵̢̾̋K̵̡̘̓É̴̹̤Ë̷͖̹́́P̴̘͇̉Ï̷̢͒N̶̹̱̋G̵̲̜̀!̵̪͐̑ ̵͙̠̓H̵͎̦͗Ë̷̢-̵͍́̌
Iana: [Kicks in the door, cucumbers in her hand and clearly having been wearing them at a spa, and Slimer in the other arm] Who’s been summoning gho-oh. …really now.
Dark Sailor: [Energies dissipate, suddenly revealing him to be a rather weather-beaten but normal-looking naval officer in somber colors, music suddenly stops] …Are you kidding me. A spa day. That is where this entire quest ended.
Iana: Well, until an explosion and some poltergeists you are clearly responsible for knocked me off my chair I was enjoying a wonderful break from the nonsense I was unwillingly recruited for, along with having summoned some very stubborn ghosts and interrogating them for needed lore of some new friends I need to help foster a rebellion against a tyrant and bandit who thinks he’s a hero. So yes. I was having a spa day.
Dark Sailor: [Haphazardly drops Leliel to angrily cross his arms] Well, forgive me if your rescue was a bit loud, Iana.
Iana: And forgive me if I believed you thought your necromancer wife could handle herself if she sent a message, Suspire.
Chie: [Nearly falls over from her kicking stance] …Wife?
Suspire: Oh, you sent a message! How thoughtful! How especially thoughtful to not check if it got to me.
Iana: How?! I suspect Convergence and you yourself were able to realize I wasn’t even in the same universe, how was I supposed to know that apparently, spectral messengers can get lost?!
Suspire: And this is why I told you to learn Infallible Messenger! We can only rely on Althea and Thuumi so much, even with Autocthonian aid, and you know they start calling in favors if we ask too much. I had to trawl the window we had to the Well of Udr long before I got that slime, and even then I needed to pay someone in there for the right coordinates.
Iana: Yes, that is what allies do, and somehow I think they’d allow for a discount on ‘your wife was kidnapped’ instead of random multiversal strangers being trusted-
Suspire: Oh, so it was a kidnapping-
[Both descend into a marital spat as Anne awkwardly puts down a bit of driftwood.]
Leliel: [Rubbing his neck.] So! Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to Iana’s husband, and other half of her particular iteration of a Solar-Lunar Bond - well, technically Abyssal-Lunar Bond, but it works the same - Suspire, short for The Blissful Suspire In The Moment Before A Chainless Eternity.
Yukiko: [Stifling laughter] W…what…?
Wanderer2691: Abyssal Exalted thing. They gave up the right to use their living names in return for being saved at the moment of death and transformation into Creation’s version of vampire lords, so they have poetic titles instead. Along with a bunch of other riders, but if these two are married, I don’t think he’s exactly still a tricked, brainwashed toady of the deathlords and Neverborn…at least, not unless this is as unhappy a marriage as it-
[The two suddenly stop arguing and rush into a sobbing hug.]
Iana: DRAGONS DAMN IT I MISSED YOU AND YOUR DRAMA OBSESSION YOU BIG DUMMY!
Suspire: I WAS SO SCARED AND YOU’RE FINE AND I WAS JUST ANGRY YOU WEREN’T TAKING IT SERIOUSLY YOU OVERCONFIDENT SPOILED BRAT…
Wanderer2691: …or maybe birds of a feather flock together, and that includes tsunderes. That could also be the case.
Yukiko: [Collapses into laughter.]
Leliel: Well, she needed that. And good news, with a new sporker, all three of our current ones get to sit out the next, which is…Filo’s introduction as a mini-arc. Oh, brother…
Spitefic: Logismoi of the Legendary
“...w-wait, the Shield Hero? T-t-the Shield Hero is t-th-hat m-man’s client?”
Romuli Argentum, now fully armored, gave a rather pitying look to the rabbit demihuman that had previously been in Raphtalia’s neighboring cage. Clearly, the somewhat twitchy woman - who refused to give her name, but accepted the title ‘Connie’ from Luz, derived from ‘Coneja’ - was a believer in the myth of the Shield Hero, protector of demihumans. Romuli, personality darkened by experience and sharpened with the cynicism born of hunting the worst criminals in Zeltoble, believed there was a good natured Shield Hero at some point who protected demihumans and beastmen, but nothing about the Shield selected for virtue, just competence or potential competence. Legendary Weapons were weapons - they did not care about the war they were used for, only that they were used.
“It is…unfortunate that Sir Momaru’s Weapon has fallen in with such an antithesis to his ideals, yes,” the flickering shade of the First Aotatsu, the draconic beastman Seri, said with a sad bow of his head. “Especially one who clearly cannot control its desperation or fear…”
Romuli’s ears perked up, “It’s…hunger? Come again?”
“You didn’t know?”, Seri asked, looking shocked. “I would think that’s one of the first things taught about the Devil Weapons of the Hero’s Burden. Is…is this about the Three Heroes Church that the necromancer told me about?”
“...It probably is, but Lady Praeconinus isn’t native to this world, and after the difficulty she had in even contacting you, she said something about needing to sleep. Also, she used Fhilip’s tail to stop anything else escaping the Underworld with you, and while you didn’t see that, his scales made that…really hard to remove.”
“It was diseased and nearly anyway,” the mixed lizard-frog demihuman said, keeping a straight face (badly, given the wincing ‘smile’). “Prosthetic is going to be better…”
“U-um,” Connie said, tapping her fingers together. “I…I actually k-know this. S…suspposedly, the L-Legendary Weapons aren’t…aren’t all good. They’re….they’re filled with t-the souls of the…the f-first world to f-fall to Waves. Or m…maybe every world. And since e-every world th-that died is so…so tormented, t…they try t-to make d-destroying the W-Waves…their wielder’s o-only purpose. B-b-but the Shield’s s-supposed to be…protecting. Not…hurting…”
“That is so, but it is driven by guilt and shame, not love. The souls within cannot forgive themselves for failing, so they cannot move on - and so they are filled with the twin sins of Sloth, the desire for peace and security, and Envy, the desire for everyone to understand their misery and loss. In dark moments, they reach out to their bearer, and inflict their Burden upon them - Sir Momaru fought with their impulse to freeze time itself to keep all he loved safe and to force that he hated to know what it was like to be unable to help anyone his whole life-”
“Uh, while I hate to interrupt this exposition dump I’m pretty sure is going to tell me a lot about the lore and help contextualize everything,” Luz cut in, walking out of Beloukas’ stolen library, “for the entire history of Melromarc…the Curse Series associated with the Shield has been the Wrath one. That’s part of why it’s the only Devil Weapon.”
It was amazing how blank a stare a confused ghost could give you. “...why would a shield need anger?”, he finally said after a long second. “It seems to go…against the purpose…”
That was when Romuli remembered something he learned from his time in the wilds - namely, how one could turn a net and some old Balloon skin into a useful sieve for filtering out water.
“...Ms. Noceda,” Romuli began. “Is there anything you noticed about the Legendary Weapons being reforged? Or otherwise altered for the ‘benefit’ of the Heroes?”
Luz caught on. “No, but - actually, by the looks of it, every Church history seems to be really vague about when Mamoru lived. Like they were trying to hide when the, and I am quoting here, ‘Demon King Aegis of Beasts’ lived - and yes, I am yoinking that for my fanfiction. But inspiration aside, they said the Legendary Weapons were granted to Melromarc and the world by someone called the Crimson Smith of the Stellar Order.”
Seri looked at her, then wordlessly motioned for the book she was holding, which she quickly switched to a page with a rather detailed illustration. Within it, a handsome, tanned, and muscular man with slicked-back hair and prominent stubble was giving a spear, sword, and bow still red from the forging to adoring people, while behind him, the waste metal from his forge dripped into the mold of a shield.
“...that is completely made up,” Seri said after a long second. “They were found in a meteor that appeared shortly after the first Wave did. And every other world we found reported the same thing when they remembered how they got the Devil Weapons.”
“...and yet, somehow, I suspect this Smith is a real figure. Because if the Church isn’t lying in its own histories, and I really don’t see why they would, someone must have altered it…” He trailed off. “Wait. This is from that man’s study. Why does he have Church documents?”
“That’s what I was asking - and in fact, apart from that and business transactions, there’s nothing there! You’d think he have a journal or a paperback or something, but no. It’s just finance stuff, advice books on economics, mathematical tools, and history. Especially redacted Church history.” Luz shrugged. “It’s like…well, it’s like if it isn’t for his job, Beloukas doesn’t exist. Hell, you’d think he’d investigate that someone stole the cart he has with a library, but no.”
Fhillip frowned. “That’s…that’s eerie…”
“And whatever the Smith did - I believe he put everyone in grave danger, if he forced the Shield to go from Sloth and Envy to unnatural resonances for it,” Seri added. “Plural ones, by the way; the Legendary Weapons always have two, that’s why they aren’t Vassal Weapons. Whatever the Shield now has, it’s something less able to be moderated than Sloth and Envy do each other. And moreover…the souls within feel their natural emotions, and inflict them very easily, but an unnatural sin means they can only incite the forced sin with their normal emotions. Sloth spurs the urge to withdraw and to preserve safety, Envy incites the desire to be better than others and to find connection in shared misery, and corralled, both can be turned to the purpose of kindness and wisdom. But in this evil form, both are now used to further Wrath, the desire to destroy and seek retribution.”
He turned grave. “I really do not want to see what happens when both the Shield Hero’s want for security and want for understanding are both expressed as a desire to destroy all that which makes him feel unsafe or unworthy, do you? Because there’s far more conceptual ways to destroy someone’s ability to threaten or not care for you.”
Connie caught on first. “Like…like maybe…killing the ability f-for your forced family t…to feel anything for you…but love…”
Romuli’s ears pinned back. “Well. Now I feel relieved I was so valuable…”
Romuli Argentum, now fully armored, gave a rather pitying look to the rabbit demihuman that had previously been in Raphtalia’s neighboring cage. Clearly, the somewhat twitchy woman - who refused to give her name, but accepted the title ‘Connie’ from Luz, derived from ‘Coneja’ - was a believer in the myth of the Shield Hero, protector of demihumans. Romuli, personality darkened by experience and sharpened with the cynicism born of hunting the worst criminals in Zeltoble, believed there was a good natured Shield Hero at some point who protected demihumans and beastmen, but nothing about the Shield selected for virtue, just competence or potential competence. Legendary Weapons were weapons - they did not care about the war they were used for, only that they were used.
“It is…unfortunate that Sir Momaru’s Weapon has fallen in with such an antithesis to his ideals, yes,” the flickering shade of the First Aotatsu, the draconic beastman Seri, said with a sad bow of his head. “Especially one who clearly cannot control its desperation or fear…”
Romuli’s ears perked up, “It’s…hunger? Come again?”
“You didn’t know?”, Seri asked, looking shocked. “I would think that’s one of the first things taught about the Devil Weapons of the Hero’s Burden. Is…is this about the Three Heroes Church that the necromancer told me about?”
“...It probably is, but Lady Praeconinus isn’t native to this world, and after the difficulty she had in even contacting you, she said something about needing to sleep. Also, she used Fhilip’s tail to stop anything else escaping the Underworld with you, and while you didn’t see that, his scales made that…really hard to remove.”
“It was diseased and nearly anyway,” the mixed lizard-frog demihuman said, keeping a straight face (badly, given the wincing ‘smile’). “Prosthetic is going to be better…”
“U-um,” Connie said, tapping her fingers together. “I…I actually k-know this. S…suspposedly, the L-Legendary Weapons aren’t…aren’t all good. They’re….they’re filled with t-the souls of the…the f-first world to f-fall to Waves. Or m…maybe every world. And since e-every world th-that died is so…so tormented, t…they try t-to make d-destroying the W-Waves…their wielder’s o-only purpose. B-b-but the Shield’s s-supposed to be…protecting. Not…hurting…”
“That is so, but it is driven by guilt and shame, not love. The souls within cannot forgive themselves for failing, so they cannot move on - and so they are filled with the twin sins of Sloth, the desire for peace and security, and Envy, the desire for everyone to understand their misery and loss. In dark moments, they reach out to their bearer, and inflict their Burden upon them - Sir Momaru fought with their impulse to freeze time itself to keep all he loved safe and to force that he hated to know what it was like to be unable to help anyone his whole life-”
“Uh, while I hate to interrupt this exposition dump I’m pretty sure is going to tell me a lot about the lore and help contextualize everything,” Luz cut in, walking out of Beloukas’ stolen library, “for the entire history of Melromarc…the Curse Series associated with the Shield has been the Wrath one. That’s part of why it’s the only Devil Weapon.”
It was amazing how blank a stare a confused ghost could give you. “...why would a shield need anger?”, he finally said after a long second. “It seems to go…against the purpose…”
That was when Romuli remembered something he learned from his time in the wilds - namely, how one could turn a net and some old Balloon skin into a useful sieve for filtering out water.
“...Ms. Noceda,” Romuli began. “Is there anything you noticed about the Legendary Weapons being reforged? Or otherwise altered for the ‘benefit’ of the Heroes?”
Luz caught on. “No, but - actually, by the looks of it, every Church history seems to be really vague about when Mamoru lived. Like they were trying to hide when the, and I am quoting here, ‘Demon King Aegis of Beasts’ lived - and yes, I am yoinking that for my fanfiction. But inspiration aside, they said the Legendary Weapons were granted to Melromarc and the world by someone called the Crimson Smith of the Stellar Order.”
Seri looked at her, then wordlessly motioned for the book she was holding, which she quickly switched to a page with a rather detailed illustration. Within it, a handsome, tanned, and muscular man with slicked-back hair and prominent stubble was giving a spear, sword, and bow still red from the forging to adoring people, while behind him, the waste metal from his forge dripped into the mold of a shield.
“...that is completely made up,” Seri said after a long second. “They were found in a meteor that appeared shortly after the first Wave did. And every other world we found reported the same thing when they remembered how they got the Devil Weapons.”
“...and yet, somehow, I suspect this Smith is a real figure. Because if the Church isn’t lying in its own histories, and I really don’t see why they would, someone must have altered it…” He trailed off. “Wait. This is from that man’s study. Why does he have Church documents?”
“That’s what I was asking - and in fact, apart from that and business transactions, there’s nothing there! You’d think he have a journal or a paperback or something, but no. It’s just finance stuff, advice books on economics, mathematical tools, and history. Especially redacted Church history.” Luz shrugged. “It’s like…well, it’s like if it isn’t for his job, Beloukas doesn’t exist. Hell, you’d think he’d investigate that someone stole the cart he has with a library, but no.”
Fhillip frowned. “That’s…that’s eerie…”
“And whatever the Smith did - I believe he put everyone in grave danger, if he forced the Shield to go from Sloth and Envy to unnatural resonances for it,” Seri added. “Plural ones, by the way; the Legendary Weapons always have two, that’s why they aren’t Vassal Weapons. Whatever the Shield now has, it’s something less able to be moderated than Sloth and Envy do each other. And moreover…the souls within feel their natural emotions, and inflict them very easily, but an unnatural sin means they can only incite the forced sin with their normal emotions. Sloth spurs the urge to withdraw and to preserve safety, Envy incites the desire to be better than others and to find connection in shared misery, and corralled, both can be turned to the purpose of kindness and wisdom. But in this evil form, both are now used to further Wrath, the desire to destroy and seek retribution.”
He turned grave. “I really do not want to see what happens when both the Shield Hero’s want for security and want for understanding are both expressed as a desire to destroy all that which makes him feel unsafe or unworthy, do you? Because there’s far more conceptual ways to destroy someone’s ability to threaten or not care for you.”
Connie caught on first. “Like…like maybe…killing the ability f-for your forced family t…to feel anything for you…but love…”
Romuli’s ears pinned back. “Well. Now I feel relieved I was so valuable…”
no subject
Date: 2024-06-28 05:52 am (UTC)“Chie: Yeah…and the fact the sporking chamber seems to have a leak isn’t helping. [Pokes a wet spot with her foot]”
Novalis: …that one…may be on me. I apologize. Pipes do not mix well with an infuriated Water Aspect…
“Boyd the Reaver: And…this is something we feel really bad about scoring, because while her motives are, naturally, selfish, Malty is actually alerting Motoyasu to something that is sincerely fucked up and he needs to know.”
Novalis: For once, Malty has done something I can get behind; less than pure motives or not, sensible actions are sensible actions. Shame about the…everything else about her.
“Chie: Starts…hand-feeding, like…she’s his mother, or…lover…when slave and…adopted daughter…”
*Novalis turns vaguely green and sets his cup down with a little more force than necessary*
Novalis: Well, there goes my appetite…
“[MOTOYASU] I've heard that you've made poor Raphtalia your slave and that she obeys your every command.
{Naofumi} Yeah, Raphtalia's my loyal slave. So what's it to you?
{MOTOYASU} You listen up. You can't be saying you think it's okay to enslave others!
*beat*
Novalis: I may regret saying this in the future…but I like you.
(Note from Lily: I also just now notice that all of the subtitles use a different way to write the character names and now it bothers me :D)
“Chie: So. The great counterargument. Is that ‘slavery bad.’ Is Motoyasu’s opinion.
Anne: Yyyyep.
Chie: Nothing else, just that slavery is how this world does things.”
Novalis: *calmly, though strained, as though he’s holding back an eruption* Funny. It’s my opinion too. And if I, who grew up in a country where slavery is normal and legal, can come to hold that opinion, Naofumi has no excuse.
*sips tea*
…perhaps I should take him to the Realm and tip off the Wyld Hunt about a dangerous Anathema. His reaction would be glorious.
“Anne: Ugh, and the leak stains are sticky…were they always like that…?”
Novalis: *blinks* …perhaps this one was not me.
“{MOTOYASU} If I win, free Raphtalia-chan.”
Novalis: Again—I like you. Perhaps it’s time for a recruitment run. I could certainly use his talents much better than Malty could…
“Shut up, Malty, and - also, what the heck are you even achieving here? Spite?”
Novalis: Annoyingly, that does seem to be the only reason for her existence.
Lily: *pokes head into room* Like the Ebon Dragon, but somehow even more of a loser. *leaves*
Novalis: …I don’t know what she’s referring to, but I feel like I should.
*The Duel, Novalis watching with a slight smile*
Novalis: I generally try to avoid taking pleasure in my enemies getting screwed over. There are only two exceptions: House Ragara and the Shield Hero. Get fucked, Iwatami Naofumi.
“It’s only when the tables are turned on him that it’s proof of how corrupt this kingdom is. Because now it affects him.”
Novalis: I find that to be a theme with men like him. They’ll gleefully abuse their advantages all they like, but the second their views turn against them, they’re singing a different tune.
“Like, I think poison’s the tool of reckless cowards, but the idea that it’s evil because it’s ‘dishonorable’ doesn’t come from the fact that envenoming the wrong thing is likely going to kill innocents”
Novalis: Which is why you must be careful with poison, and plan its uses out exactly. It does not do to murder an entire court.
…
Lily: Did I mention Novalis’s morals are kinda loose? Because Novalis’s morals are kinda loose.
“{NAOFUMI} Do they want to see me suffer that badly?”
Novalis: Far from me. If I had my way? It would be much worse.
“Anne: … “Curse series.” That…does not sound good at all…”
Novalis: …wait a second.
He got these new powers from an infernal source, he definitely views himself as a victim of an unjust world, the Yozis would probably view his kind of thinking as useful for their…
*pales*
Oh.
Oh no.
I…could someone check his forehead for a Caste Mark? I…believe I am onto something and I do not like it in the slightest.
“Chie: Anyway, away from the rage of the increasingly less sane sporker, we have Raphtalia approaching Naofumi gently, as he’s in full self-pity woe-is-me I-hate-having-this-shield mode, not helped by the Shield releasing Wrath flames, which I’m pretty sure aren’t helping, particularly given how he has angry red lines on his face too.
Novalis: Okay, not quite a Caste Mark, but very close…
“Trust me, she might be one of the most useless, passive, and often outright asshole rulers in fiction, and makes many kings actively written to be incompetent lunatics look like saints with the political acumen that would make Niccolo Machiavelli weep with pride.”
*Novalis quickly shakes his head to shake off the anxiety, flashing a dark smile*
Novalis: *words dripping with sarcasm* Oh, we’re going to get along just swell…
“Anne: Ah. So, basically, she approves of this bullshit on some level and is likely plotting world domination as we speak.”
*The walls rumble as Novalis’s smile turns darker*
Novalis: Just. Swell.
{BELOUKAS} There we go! She now has one brand-new slave crest.
[NAOFUMI] There was no need to get another one, you know.
Novalis: … *eye twitches, takes a deep, deep breath*
AAAAA—
*BOOM*
*ONE HOUR LATER*
*The sporking chamber is completely flooded. Lily is attempting a bucket relay to get the water out, while Novalis stands sheepishly off to the side.*
Lily: Can you believe people still think Dragon-Blooded are the weakest Exalted? Wild.
Novalis: That was…an embarrassment. I apologize.
Lily: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get so mad they ruined an entire sporking chamber.
Novalis: I…am going to take a break. And…I am also going to call in some backup. And pull together a plan. Because if I am right…the Yozis clearly have some stake in this. And I need to figure out what it is.
I will be seeing you all next time.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-28 05:12 pm (UTC)We sincerely wish. It was...painful to get through.
Going to drop kayfabe and admit that, OOC, I can't incorporate Novalis into the spitefic directly. People on Das Sporking would wonder who he is. As it is, I do like him though, and I fully support the spork and incoming spitefic.
A nuance this show runs screaming from.
Chie: Welcome to the club....eek.
I honestly think his heel actions later are to cover for what he does now.
I think that's on me, sorry.
Althea: You think you can call a truce for Exigent assistance?
Thuumi: We'd swear an oath to remain pursuing a mutual enemy if you will.
Thuumi: *glancing at sorcerer's notes* ...oh boy. And oh hell, that makes too much sense...
Iana: I'd mock you about what Ragara did, then I remembered who they are. Carry on, down with the Imperial Bank.
It does seem to be a common aspect of narcissistic self-pity.
Iana: *idly animating a war machine made of bones and grief* Can't imagine how that feels.
It's disturbingly plausible, given how the Cardinal Weapons seem to work.
I look forward to the takedowns.
A half of infinity is still infinity, as they say. They're still demigods, if not OP demigods.
Frankly, I wish I saw it less...
Looking forward to it!
Iana, when informed: ...Ohohohohoho....he's going to meet my darling...
Spitefic: The Dragon’s Spear
Date: 2024-06-28 06:00 pm (UTC)XXX
Motoyasu’s thoughts were a lumpy stew as he left the castle, and for once, Malty’s sweet voice had no hope of distracting him. His mind was stuck on the duel, and Raphtalia refusing freedom, and whatever had gone on with Naofumi...he felt like he was trying to put together a puzzle when he didn’t have all of the pieces. Had he been wrong to demand that Naofumi let her go? Had she really been happy as a...slave? And what was with the Shield bursting into flames?
“Excuse me!”
A light voice broke through the crowd in the marketplace, and Motoyasu blinked as someone pushed through the crowd and approached him; a pale-skinned youth with short, dark blue hair and ocean eyes somewhere between blue and green, wearing clothes a good deal fancier than most of the others here. The boy (girl? Actually, they were too androgynous to tell, but Motoyasu was guessing male based on their short hair) smiled at him and politely bowed. “You’re Kitamura Motoyasu, right? The Spear Hero?”
“Er—” For a moment, Motoyasu was so taken aback by the newcomer’s presence that he didn’t say anything.
“I watched your duel,” said newcomer continued, not giving him a chance to get a word in. “And I agree with you. What happened back there—what’s still happening—is wrong. I was hoping we would meet up—quite fortunate it happened so soon.”
“Who are you, exactly?” Malty asked, with suspicion that didn’t seem entirely warranted.
“Well...” The stranger paused, ocean eyes flicking from Motoyasu to Malty and back again. “If it’s not too much trouble, could we talk about this in private? Just the two of us.”
Malty’s eyes widened. “Wh— B-but we don’t know you!” she argued. “You could be a spy, or an assassin, or working with the Shield Hero or—!”
“I can guarantee you, I’m none of those things. Especially not the third one.” The stranger’s smile dropped, and his voice grew venomous. “I would not be caught dead working with the Shield Hero.”
Motoyasu stared for a few moments in surprise...then shrugged and stepped forward. “I’ll go with you,” he said; the stranger didn’t look capable of hurting anyone, especially a Legendary Hero, and he definitely shared his disdain for Naofumi. But even aside from that, something about him felt trustworthy. Maybe it was the way he spoke, but he had this air about him that made you want to trust him...whether that was a good idea or not.
Motoyasu turned to Malty and said, “Wait for me, okay?” She frowned, but nodded.
The stranger smiled again. “Splendid. If you would follow me, please?”
XXX
As it turned out, “in private” meant “a small room in the inn, over tea”.
“Why tea?” Motoyasu asked as the stranger carefully poured him a cup. “Why not wine?”
“A few reasons,” the stranger replied, gingerly setting the teapot down. “For one, I prefer to be in full control of my faculties at all times. For another, it makes it much harder for someone to slip poison into your food when you are the one in charge of your food. But mostly...” He lifted his own teacup and took a long sip, then set the cup down with a click. “I much prefer tea to wine.”
It was a reasonable enough explanation, Motoyasu supposed.
The stranger folded his hands and rested them on the table, leaning in closer. “I suspect you have questions.”
“Uh—” Motoyasu blinked, and suddenly, the shadiness of this whole situation became very apparent. “Uh, yes, yes I do. Who even are you, and what do you want with me?”
“For your first question...” The stranger smiled at him, and though polite, it had a dark edge to it that sent a shiver down Motoyasu’s spine. “Tepet Novalis, Dragon-Blooded scion of House Tepet and Dynast of the Realm. Perhaps not the most wonderful place in the world, but certainly better than many of the alternatives...though given some of those alternatives include the Deathlords, perhaps that isn’t saying much.”
Motoyasu blinked. Several times. “I don’t understand half those words,” he finally said.
The corner of Novalis’s mouth twitched. “I’d have been surprised if you did. I am...not from around here. Or, indeed, any ‘here’ you may be familiar with.” He took another sip of his tea.
Motoyasu stared at him for several seconds—and then it clicked. “Wait, you’re from—another another world?!”
This time, the twitch became another slight smile. “Indeed.”
“I didn’t see you at the summoning—”
“Because I wasn’t there. I came later.”
“How?”
“I have my ways. More importantly...” The smile dropped. “Your second question. What I want from you. It’s simple, really.”
Novalis folded his hands again. “You saw how Naofumi’s shield burst into flames, right?”
“Uh, yeah. What was up with that?”
“Patience, I’m getting there. And you saw how he acted afterward, right? Full of what I’m sure he would call... ‘righteous’ fury?”
“...yes?” Motoyasu was pretty sure he didn’t like where this was going.
Novalis went silent for a long, long time. Then, he took a deep breath, and continued. “I have reason to believe that at least one of the...less agreeable spirits of my world has taken an interest in this one, and an interest in Naofumi specifically. The sudden power boost he got, after your fight...I fear it could well come from that spirit. And if I’m right, then this whole world is in terrible danger.”
All the color drained from Motoyasu’s face, and he gripped the table so hard his knuckles turned white. Naofumi was getting his powers from some— some malevolent spirit? A spirit from another world entirely?! He almost wanted to disbelieve it on principle, wanted to laugh Novalis’s words off as the ramblings of a crazy person, but— he needed to know more.
“D-does this—” His voice trembled, and he reached for his own teacup, lifting it to his mouth and drinking. The sweet, cool brew calmed him down slightly, and he lowered his cup to speak. “Does this have to do with those, uh, Deathlords you mentioned?”
Novalis watched him, face impassive save for a slight frown. “Close. But not quite.” He sighed. “I’ll need to give you some context for this—make yourself comfortable. I’ll shorten it best I can, but it’s still a long story.” He cleared his throat.
“Centuries ago, Creation—that’s the name of my world—was ruled by the Primordials. Tyrannical, cosmic beings that created the world, and proved quite cruel to their creations—both the gods, their less powerful children, and humanity. The gods couldn’t overthrow the Primordials themselves, so they empowered humanity to do so through Exaltations. Those chosen by the Unconquered Sun became the Solar Exalted, those by Luna the Lunar Exalted, and those by the Elemental Dragons the Dragon-Blooded—or Terrestrial Exalted, if you want to keep things consistent.” He slightly smirked at that last sentence, but quickly grew serious again.
“Some of the Primordials were slain; these became the Neverborn, bound to eternal sleep in the Underworld. Others surrendered; these became the Yozis, crippled and imprisoned in the hell called Malfeas. Two of them, Autocthonia and Gaia, sided with the gods, and were thus spared. With the Primordials defeated, the Exalted became the new rulers of Creation. Many things have changed since then, but the Exalted’s rulership remains consistent.”
Motoyasu was so spellbound by Novalis’s tale that he didn’t say anything.
“In recent years, though, something’s...changed. I haven’t any clue how it could have happened, but the Neverborn and Yozis are creating Exalts of their own.” The atmosphere seemed to shift to something darker and heavier. “The Neverborn create the Abyssal Exalted, servants of the Deathlords whose goal is to drag all of Creation into destruction. The Yozis create the Infernal Exalted...and I’ll admit to knowing little about them other than their name. But I do know this.”
Novalis’s ocean eyes seemed to bore into Motoyasu’s soul. “The Infernal Exalted are chosen from the ranks of those who have been beaten down and broken by oppression and injustice. The Yozis empower them, tell them to take their revenge...and, in the process, unlock a bottomless well of wrath.”
The cup slipped from Motoyasu’s hands, shattering against the floor. He barely noticed, though, staring at Novalis in growing horror. His mouth moved, but no sound came out.
Infernal Exalt. Naofumi. The puzzle from earlier was finally starting to make sense, though now Motoyasu was sincerely wishing it didn’t. Was that how he’d kept Raphtalia’s loyalty? Some kind of weird Exalt power? Could he do it to other people? To the rulers?! Could anyone actually stop him?! What if someone didn’t?!
“Hey. Hey.” A hand waved in front of his face, and Motoyasu blinked; Novalis had moved to stand next to him, looking at him with concern. “I put too much on you, didn’t I? My apologies.”
“I-it’s—” Motoyasu took a deep, shaking breath. “It’s fine,” he said, even though it wasn’t. “What...do we do?”
“Well, I need to gather my resources. Call on a few...favors, shall we say. Only a fool fights an Exalt alone, especially one like the Infernals. I also need to figure out who gave him the Exaltation, and what they want. In the midst of all of this, someone needs to keep an eye on Naofumi.”
Novalis’s light smile reappeared. “That is where you come in.”
“Me?” Motoyasu said, confused.
“Habit of thinking with the wrong head aside—” Motoyasu’s face flared bright red at that “—of all the heroes, you seem to possess the most sense. You’re the least prone to go groveling at the Exalt’s feet. Besides, you share my...dislike of his practices.” Novalis didn’t need to say what he was referring to; they both knew.
“So I’m asking you to watch Naofumi for me. Spy on him, essentially. Report everything back to me. Do your best to keep him from gaining too much power. I won’t blame you if you fail in that regard, it is difficult for a mortal to compete with an Exalted, but the first part cannot be overlooked. He can be defeated, but only so long as we know as much as we can about him beforehand—and that is what I’m asking of you.”
The smile seemed almost genuine now. “So, Legendary Hero—can I rely on your help?”
Motoyasu was silent for a few moments. The urge to say no—to run away screaming from the whole situation and never return, maybe find out whatever method Novalis used to get here and take it back home—was strong. If Naofumi truly had power once used to slay primordial deities, twisted for dark purposes, then could they really defeat him?
But something—maybe that same something that led him to challenge Naofumi to a duel for Raphtalia’s freedom—made him hold firm, and he stood up to look Novalis in the eye. “Absolutely.”
Novalis smiled again. “As I thought. Now, any more questions?”
“Uh—none that I can think of.” Motoyasu moved to start heading for the door. “Thanks for the talk, I should probably tell Malty—”
“You should probably not.”
Motoyasu stopped, turning to stare at Novalis in bafflement. “Why not?”
Novalis hesitated for a moment, then sighed. “Sit back down. We are going to have a talk about Malty.”
Re: Spitefic: The Dragon’s Spear
Date: 2024-06-28 06:33 pm (UTC)Awesome to see how Novalis works. And great with the building dread and intrigue, along with his social adeptness.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-28 10:33 pm (UTC)Well the show needs him to be mistreated and bullied, so that he can get quick and easy revenge. And he can't very well be mistreated if those big mean bullies are relatively easy to avoid
"It's legal, tho." - Shield Hero, Breaker of Laws
This genre is still sorely lacking in emancipation heroes
No she's not
Whether she likes her current position or not, she still doesn't have the option of leaving. It's called a Gilded Cage, liking your imprisonment doesn't make it not-imprisonment.
And looking at that not-pope's outfit, you know what I'm noticing a distinct lack of?
Any kind of 3s, or weaponry, or anything that symbolizes the religion he's supposedly the leader of. It's just a copy-paste of the Catholic uniform. Nothing about this not-Pope is reflective of his church's beliefs.
Technically you both cheated. Malty just did it better.
A brief glimpse into a world where the script doesn't bend over backwards to give Naofumi all the best lines
If this world's religion is based on the weapons of its heroes, shouldn't their sins be...whatever the opposite of Sword, Spear, Bow, and Shield are?
Also Raphtalia: "Not by my choice, but by choice nonetheless!"
Sounds like she should be more concerned that he's doing slavery, in that case. Since if the demihuman slaver is doing the slavery, then they really have no hope left.
Also, it seems like she's at least a major reason why slavery is still legal
Oh right, I remember that being a big plot point
I never understood why the solution wasn't just...send the heroes to where they were supposed to be summoned at
You see why not seeing the first episode makes it actually really hard to figure out what he was accused of? Context clues are kind of contradictory to what actually happened
How the hell does the lord of this one village have immunity to taxes across the kingdom?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-28 11:36 pm (UTC)Point. And also very pretentious of this show.
Hee.
Yeah, it's just...really lazy and creepy to embrace slavery as a thing.
Yep. But it's all shiny and golden, so comforting cocoon of denial.
I made a comment on the official mirror that his faith is about as Catholic as Yevon from FFX...the religion based on Shinto and Buddhism, with Catholic hierarchy. And actually looks it.
I'll take that as a compliment!
Pretty much, but that'd be work, so...
One does lead into the other...
It was Melromarc seeks to monopolize, something something....
I do. And really, one gets the sense the actual crime was...forgotten by the plot....
The path to ease of plot leads one through many studies the Jedi would call "contrivance"...
The Furious Five are more like the Fucking Enraged Five
Date: 2024-06-29 01:25 am (UTC)Crane: Once again, Jean Valjean was banned from staying in common inns for the mere crime of stealing bread. Ranulf from Path of Radiance had vigilantes trying to hand him over to the evil invader army for being a laguz. This guy should have gotten the Tai Lung treatment based on the crime he supposedly did.
Monkey: YOU! HAD! SO! MANY! OTHER! WAYS! TO! RESPOND! TO! THAT!
Viper: See, in another universe where Naofumi was genuinely screwed over, left without options because no one wants to join him and took in Raphtalia out of pity and a sense of camaraderie, he probably could have pointed out that he was set up without options rather than just completely affirming the accusation.
Tigress: I believe this video best sums up the issue when it comes to “opinions,” especially when it comes to basic human rights. We would also like to say we and the commentator stand with Palestine and everyone else can too by doing a daily click to help send donations, while also supporting other causes such as women, children, the environment, refugees and eliminating poverty. We believe doing these clicks are the best way to give what this series stands for the middle finger.
Mantis: Considering all the ways this is a covert Imperial Japan apologist show, I’m not surprised they completely fumbled the bag with a Chinese folktale. I guess you could say that reference is a mao dun.
Po: Yeah, these all sound like legendary villainous weapons that corrupt the wielder. We sure the divine delivery service didn’t get confused when dropping these off?
Re: The Furious Five are more like the Fucking Enraged Five
Date: 2024-06-29 01:47 am (UTC)I feel that.
And also for being the Shield Hero, something this show never comprehends.
Well...just that.
Quite. (Though, as noted by prince_chrom, links need to be fixed.)
Heh, good one, and accurate.
One can have genuinely well-intentioned weapons that corrupt the wielder, but of course this show doesn't want to admit that even the destructive potential of these kind of weapons exists when it impacts Naofumi. Hence, the suspiciously MANLY Wrath Shield.
Re: The Furious Five are more like the Fucking Enraged Five
Date: 2024-08-08 03:19 am (UTC)Re: The Furious Five are more like the Fucking Enraged Five
Date: 2024-06-29 03:19 am (UTC)You should probably know that Dreamwidth has added https://leliel-12.dreamwidth.org/" to both your links and as such they don't work properly.
Re: The Furious Five are more like the Fucking Enraged Five
Date: 2024-06-29 03:22 am (UTC)Re: The Furious Five are more like the Fucking Enraged Five
Date: 2024-06-29 08:05 am (UTC)A Short about Opinion: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/AtzZuWcB8uA
Daily Palestine and other causes click: https://arab.org/click-to-help/palestine/
Anyway I’m going to post the chapter 5 commentary a lot later because of a camping trip and also any more and I might fry my brain
Awakening Fanfic Isekais better than this
Date: 2024-08-07 09:51 pm (UTC)It’s actually funny with a protag who acts relatably and has funny commentary about how things are going with a lot of meta jokes. At the same time it goes pretty deep like for example, she saves the life of Donnel’s father by having them come to the village earlier, then choosing not to recruit Donny because she realizes he’s still a kid and should get to live a normal life. She also has been trying to find alternate ways of saving Emmeryn without the canon Emm throwing herself off, warning Chrom of the fact Emm chooses that. The Robin (a coincidence of a name) actually does angst about the fact she might never go home and see her friends and family, while also feeling guilt about replacing the actual Robin and feeling like she killed her
Re: Awakening Fanfic Isekais better than this
Date: 2024-08-08 03:18 am (UTC)Sorry for lateness, the other spork was delayed.
Re: Awakening Fanfic Isekais better than this
Date: 2024-08-11 10:42 pm (UTC)On the other hand, Fates has more edgy mcedge fanfic, one being Blood, Spirit and Hatred. The fact that it draws inspiration from ABD should be instant red flags
Re: Awakening Fanfic Isekais better than this
Date: 2024-08-12 12:00 am (UTC)only a light spork this time because how else do i get through this garbage
Date: 2024-09-10 08:31 pm (UTC)Monkey: Also Po broke the Jar of Whispering Warriors again but at least it can be repaired, unlike our sanity.
Viper: On the pitiful state of women in power, Fire Emblem may have had questionable moments with their women, especially Echoes and the captured women syndrome, but at least they still earned respect from their allies and several became proficient queens in the end. Melomarc is sorely due for an Iron Widow level of razing and hostile takeover by a true girlboss like Wu Zetian.
Crane: And then the slave crest part, good grief, the writer may as well tattoo “I’M AN ABUSER” on their forehead because in what reasonable, progressive universe is that ok? They need to watch our sibling film Prince of Egypt to truly understand suffering in slavery.
Tigress: The strange part is that a YouTube commentator made an excellent, logical point of why she still needs one. Because demihumans are considered lower-class in this setting, Raphtalia would still be mistreated or trafficked because of who she is. However, because of the laws of slavery, if she had the slave brand, harming her would be considered damage of property and/or theft. The Bible has some laws about how slaves are to be treated in a similar tangent. But no, they had to put an unhealthy, unequal love symbology to it. Make a friendship bracelet if you actually wanted something meaningful.
*Chocobo Part*
Mantis: Man, if only I could exist in the timeline Square Enix sued the crap out of Shield Hero for the Chocobo knockoff instead of going after all the Live A Live let’s plays of the Middle Ages and Final Chapter.
Po: You know, people give Nowi’s design from Fire Emblem Awakening flack for being one of the sexualized childlike characters that is justified by being thousands of years old, but at least she actually is mentally that old and it’s shown that she acts childish as a coping mechanism of how lonely she is and how she’ll outlive most of her friends. Everyone who complains about that thousand year old little girl has clearly never seen this. Can we be the inter-dimensional CPS and take her out of here?
Re: only a light spork this time because how else do i get through this garbage
Date: 2024-09-10 09:03 pm (UTC)No worries, but the next part is going to be rough.
Good point there, and - yeah, I wish I thought of that for the spork.
Indeed. Here, it's just...part of the fantasy.
Quite...
That'd work!