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leliel_12[Trigger warning: Oooh, more slavery apologia - and now, victim blaming, return to the false rape accusations, and Motoyasu’s skeeviness, and…anti-Catholic tropes, actually. Seriously, this is bad r/atheism stuff that verges on conspiracy theory that might actually be offensive. Better safe than sorry. Also slave abuse in the spitefic.]
[Image heavy by necessity - I’m also using a new image hosting site, tell me if anything is blocked.]
[Link to Das Sporking]
[Spoilers for The Owl House and Final Fantasy X]
[Scripts are from https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415, not sporker original work]
Leliel: It’s that time again after a long final project for my master’s, and hoo boy, do we have a pair of blasphemously stupid stinkers for you today.
Iana: …more stupid than the God Chicken?
Wanderer: Okay, about as stupid. But it’s more extended, because this is going to be something that is going to extend beyond this pair of episodes - we got a whole damn arc to get through, and it was pulled just as far out of the show’s ass as Fitoria.
Luz: …looking at the title, it’s the Church, isn’t it?
Leliel: Yep. We’re about to see a mangling of one of my favorite tropes to examine, the corrupt church. Because we’re about to see what happens when one is corrupt because, well, it’s standard for “edgy” JRPG worlds. In doing so, it manages to be simultaneously both the “faith corrupted into a state” kind of corrupt religion and the “shallow scam” kind - with the strengths of neither. Final Fantasy Tactics, this is not, and Tactics was already pretty shaky and mostly was supported by being part of a larger world. Shield Hero…well, I’m gonna be blunt, I smell retcons to make them Da Evulest and so “cathartic” to beat, by creating a “mastermind” who might be the dumbest smart person yet.
Suspire: Argh…bilgewater. [Looks worried at the projector he came through] Fair warning. I think that may result in bigger problems…
Leliel: But first, backpoints! Several commenters pointed out that the idea of the Four Cardinal Weapons resting in a tomb to be found by Ren and Itsuki makes no sense because…they have the Cardinal Weapons. I assumed “previous iterations”, but that wasn’t established, so…yeah. Behold, something so incredibly obviously dumb that I refused to see the issue in it and made an excuse! One point for each mysteriously clonable Weapon!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 516
[Image heavy by necessity - I’m also using a new image hosting site, tell me if anything is blocked.]
[Link to Das Sporking]
[Spoilers for The Owl House and Final Fantasy X]
[Scripts are from https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415, not sporker original work]
Leliel: It’s that time again after a long final project for my master’s, and hoo boy, do we have a pair of blasphemously stupid stinkers for you today.
Iana: …more stupid than the God Chicken?
Wanderer: Okay, about as stupid. But it’s more extended, because this is going to be something that is going to extend beyond this pair of episodes - we got a whole damn arc to get through, and it was pulled just as far out of the show’s ass as Fitoria.
Luz: …looking at the title, it’s the Church, isn’t it?
Leliel: Yep. We’re about to see a mangling of one of my favorite tropes to examine, the corrupt church. Because we’re about to see what happens when one is corrupt because, well, it’s standard for “edgy” JRPG worlds. In doing so, it manages to be simultaneously both the “faith corrupted into a state” kind of corrupt religion and the “shallow scam” kind - with the strengths of neither. Final Fantasy Tactics, this is not, and Tactics was already pretty shaky and mostly was supported by being part of a larger world. Shield Hero…well, I’m gonna be blunt, I smell retcons to make them Da Evulest and so “cathartic” to beat, by creating a “mastermind” who might be the dumbest smart person yet.
Suspire: Argh…bilgewater. [Looks worried at the projector he came through] Fair warning. I think that may result in bigger problems…
Leliel: But first, backpoints! Several commenters pointed out that the idea of the Four Cardinal Weapons resting in a tomb to be found by Ren and Itsuki makes no sense because…they have the Cardinal Weapons. I assumed “previous iterations”, but that wasn’t established, so…yeah. Behold, something so incredibly obviously dumb that I refused to see the issue in it and made an excuse! One point for each mysteriously clonable Weapon!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 516
Episode 18: A Conspiracy Linked
Luz: …and the title gets us off to a great start, if I’m already expecting something along the lines of Jacob Hopkins’ ideas to be revealed here…
[PRIEST A] At long last, our deepest desire shall finally be fulfilled.
Suspire: Aye? Ain’t that be the mug of Pope Balmus?
Wanderer: It is indeed!
Suspire: Aye, thought I recognized the collar and glasses…what deepest desire? It was never even hinted at.
Iana: …obviously what makes him a side obstacle of course. What the writer just thought of as of this chapter that stops him from being a long-term antagonist in favor of the symbolic Cheerleader Who Refuses To Date Me.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 683
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 517
Wanderer: And the rest of the pre-credits isn’t even about this - it’s about Fitoria making the party a new, smaller and more compact cart:
Honestly, it seems like a bit of a downgrade, but Naofumi wants speed rather than cargo here, so I’ll let it slide. But yeah, Filo’s thrilled to pull it, because again filolials seem like something literally made by wizards to be weirdly loli-fied horses, and Fitoria reminds Naofumi of the promise to get along with the other heroes, along with sensing the presence of one. We’ll…uh, we’ll see how that goes.
Leliel: Anyhoo, credits, then after a bit of filler of traveling - border fort:
[MELTY] Are there any other routes we could take, Raphtalia?
[RAPHTALIA] Hmm… We could take a detour, but if we do, it'll cost us a few more days on the road.
{MELTY} Yes, but Fitoria said there was another hero
not too far from here, didn't she?
It might make sense for us to take that detour anyway.
[RAPHTALIA] Master Naofumi? What do you think?
{FLASHBACK FITORIA} Did you ever really try to make up with the other heroes? If you don't tell them they're wrong about you, they'll take it as an admission of your guilt. Don't forget-- you made me a promise.
Luz: Pause! That last line…I’m going to show stills from the show.
Luz: These are both screen captures…from this episode. WE ARE LITERALLY FLASHING BACK TO EARLIER IN THE EPISODE. HOW?!
Wanderer: In a word: Really cheap budget stretching.
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 11 (This normally doesn’t apply to single scenes, but after some “traveling” scenes already…yeah, it’s pretty obvious when they’re filling out time.)
Suspire: Summarizing a tad, they note that Ren and Itsuki might listen - apparently, they recognize Motoyasu’s purpose as obstacle, aye - and at this point, it’s not like Naofumi’s reputation can go anywhere but up, even with the “brainwashed” Mel advocating for him. But of course…
Neither Ren nor Itsuki be the ones waiting.
Leliel: Believe it or not, we are not scoring this…yet. This is actually part of a plan to try and sabotage all of the Cardinal Heroes. It’s a stupid plan, but here, it’s not a contrivance. Just…everything around it.
Iana: Anyway, Naofumi mutters of course it has to be the guy notorious for hating him, but he decides to talk to Motoyasu anyway.
…right in the middle of the road, completely open to any assassins, when oh yes, you know Malty, notorious ambusher, is one of his party members. Moron.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 572
Wanderer: This…does not go well, because as it turns out, Motoyasu is working off some bad intel:
Devil of the Shield[!?]
{NAOFUMI} Can't you at least listen to me before you try to take my head off?
Suspire: Given how, as far as he be aware, you have a Charm that lets you claim minds by speaking to them, and-
{MOTOYASU} I won't listen to anyone who uses a brainwashing shield to enslave Filo and Raphtalia.
Suspire: Well, he put it better than I could. Ye actions have robbed ye of benefit of the doubt. Not that this show realizes that.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 573
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 138 (Because we are supposed to take Naofumi’s words at face value.)
Leliel: Anyway, they trade blows for a bit, at which point Naofumi drops this whopper of a theory as to why Motoyasu, who has only ever gotten this pissed when he feels provoked, is fighting:
[Long beat]
Luz: [Flatly] Is he literally thinking Motoyasu is after him because Motoyasu wanted to beat his face in. Does he really think he matters that much to the Spear Hero.
Wanderer: Yep. He is that kind of egotist. That he thinks that the most plausible solution is not the literal potential brainwashing shield and owning slaves, but because he ran away from a fight once. Our hero, folks.
[Longer beat, at which point the spork projector suddenly unleashes a burst of static.]
Projector: zzzzt…un….ls…need….in pai…zzzt
Leliel: Uh…did everyone hear that?
Suspire: [Looking distinctly uncomfortable] …Scoring!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 574
Iana: [Eyes suspiciously narrowed] …This actually offends Motoyasu a little, and he outright accuses Naofumi of killing Ren and Itsuki. Though, uh…
[MOTOYASU] You told us the heroes should be on the same team. You tricked us! We trusted you…
Luz: [Boggles] Since when?! Naofumi was literally fighting against that until literally just yesterday, and Fitoria! You don’t know that!...and I just realized something else too.
Wanderer: But the author does! And to the author, separating meta knowledge is haaaard…and what?
Luz: Isn’t he traveling with someone he thinks Naofumi sexually assaulted? Why isn’t he bringing that up? Or really, anyone else, in this supposed matriarchy? I think that’d be a major reason why he’s boiling over, especially after having traveled with her for so long - especially with Malty manipulating him.
[Beat]
Projector: zzzt-nd for..ly kn..ma…alent..alw…zzzt
Wanderer: Okay, it’s not just Lels, I heard voices. What the hell? But yeah, this is really shaky, and even more misogynistic on a writing level.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 517 (One for Motoyasu saying this was a thing when it wasn’t, another for Malty being dismissed, as estraz as her pain was.)
But, skipping to the next bit:
[NAOFUMI] Tell me this--did you see their bodies with your own eyes?
Leliel: Answer me this: why does it matter, Naofumi? I know that you think Motoyasu is “gullible” for believing someone that seems trustworthy, but misinformation isn’t actually any easier to disprove when things travel at the speed of a mail cart - in fact, it makes things harder to disprove. Again though, the show has Motoyasu getting uncertain, though, so it’s clearly wanting to think Naofumi had a Great Point (™).
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 515
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 139
In fact…
[MYNE] I think a representative of the Church is a reliable source.
Suspire: Blimey. The worst scurvy dog we knew made a good point. Doesn’t spare her the theme though.
Then you used the devastation as a distraction to kill Itsuki and Ren.
Leliel: By the way, you may have noticed she isn’t even hiding. The Church actually doing an okay frame job since we already knew she was involved spares her a RED MENACE, but Naofumi not noticing gets him another point, because…how blind are you, man? There’s a difference between not noticing the viper in the grass and blithely stepping on her in the middle of the road while she’s sunning herself.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 575
Iana: Skipping ahead, Melty realizes she probably had a hand in it, Malty creates a Lightning Cage arena to prevent escape - this is why you check for ambushers, dumbass - and the parties start fighting. Most of this is…okay, except for this line…
{MOTOYASU}[grunts] Forgive me for this, Filo, but I must fight for Ren and Itsuki, no matter the cost, even if it means I have to hurt you.
Luz: [Moans] And us. Whyyyyy does this “crush” need to be a thing? The Horror taints everything she touches, and it’s clear that you’re only defamed for it because the intended audience demographic is supposed to hate you…
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 140
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 548
Leliel: Anyway, the fight continues, and ends when Filo kicks Motoyasu in the crotch again - seriously, this show hates him that much-
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 141
And Raphtalia slashes Malty with the Spirit Sword again, because this show isn’t done with her-
I'll get you!
RED MENACE: 84
And then Melty and Filo finish off the rest with a combo spell that was not foreshadowed at all. As you do.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 684
Wanderer: Understandably, Motoyasu asks him how the hell he got this strong, especially sans a class change.
[NAOFUMI] While you and your party have been having fun playing superheroes, we've been out here doing the grunt work to clean up after you and acquire new skills.
Suspire: …aye, grunt work such as saving towns from plants and undead dragons, great Bio Plants, and completely unrelated to any Cardinal Hero, interacting with a bird god, getting a Filolial Queen, and bathing in hot springs. But ye are all mundane folks on the road, and building a merchant caravan ain’t a grand plan. All while they be doing similar things, hence why they have similar levels of abilities. To be as fitting as possible for a Deathknight - pull the other leg, it’s got bells on. Ya hypocrite.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 576
Leliel: Naofumi tries to tell him otherwise, but-
[MOTOYASU] Doesn't matter… It doesn't matter what you have to say. I've got to avenge Itsuki and Ren. If I give up, Raphtalia, Princess Melty, and Filo will never be free! They'll always be the Devil of the Shield's prisoners! And I can never accept that! Not as long as I live. 'Cause I'm the Spear Hero!
Iana: …I’m sorry, we seem to have found a cut from an alternate universe where this is about Motoyasu’s adventure, why is this-
{MALTY} Bring me the Devil of the Shield's head and free my dear sister, Melty, from his clutches!
[MOTOYASU grunts]
Iana: -oh right, I forgot this show has the moral compass of a coked-up Guilder who thinks charity is manipulation, courage is stupidity, up is down, and short is long. That being grieving and also having no reason to think the brainwashing shield doesn’t exist is a sign of deep personal character flaws and lust instead of Malty being a manipulator. That your philosopher Ayn Rand is clearly-
Projector: ZZZZZZZT-that one long-ng to be-hnner, -hat one wants to g-t the girl, do I-ZZZZZT-[suddenly releases a persistent black mark resembling a fishhook on the screen]
Iana: [Wordlessly glares at her husband]
Suspire: I…may have asked for some assistance in the Working to get across. No souls were traded, but a lot of money, and some…clauses for co-passage…
Luz: …I’d be asking if I needed to get my swimsuit, but that didn’t sound like Ursula. And…not like the normal mix. But yeah, points.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 677I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 577
RED MENACE: 85
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 142 (Because we’re supposed to think Motoyasu is bullheaded for this.)
Wanderer: That’s when Filo and Raphtalia notice something about the world outside the makeshift lightning arena…
And then, violating literally every bit of characterization and interaction we’ve seen thus far, Filo suddenly kicks Malty, Motoyasu, and his party into close proximity of of Naofumi, so that he can protect them from an attack she senses - and he does so, despite one of them being his archenemy and the other being the man he personally despises as a knucklehead. Because everyone is suddenly heroic when convenient to the plot!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 518 (One for each “huh?” action given both characters. Heroism is great and all, but for Malty and with these two? Really?)
Iana: And that’s when the attack she senses shows herself - which can only be described as “an enormous fuck-you holy laser, barely resisted by Naofumi with a lot of prep.”
Leliel: Related:
If you know, you know…especially given the clown show we are about to see.
Iana: [Whistles] Impressive crater, though. Even more impressive safe zone given the middle of it.
Suspire: Malty recognizes the spell, to her horror - because the only person who casts it comes up to the lip of the crater and…
{POPE BALMUS} and yet you're still standing.
[NAOFUMI gasps]
[POPE] I'd expect nothing less from the Shield Hero.
Luz: [Monotone] Ay caramba, the pope of the Three Heroes religion that hates Naofumi and calls him the Shield Devil is evil after it turned out an adherent was abducing Melty, how unexpected, what a twist in this JRPG generic-ass setting for a Catholic…[Normal tone] wait, wasn’t Malty, one of his allies, in there?!
Leliel: [Points up at warnings] See how I made a warning for anti-Catholicism? We’re about to see some shit that I am pretty sure goes from silly into actual conspiracy theory related to a real-world religion this is based on. Because it’s that dumb and vicious towards anyone who believes in it, and that’s acknowledging that the Catholic Church is not something that is easily punched down on.
Suspire: People can believe what they want to believe…and this? This be sounding like it going to be attacking that in a very underhanded way that might actually hurt some people on the other end of the screen that believe in it. It be that bad. But, after the clarification and reminder of who Balmus be as Pope, we get…this bit of logic.
{NAOFUMI} I know you. From the cathedral in the capital!
{POPE} Oh, so you remember who I am, do you? Then surely you're aware of all your sins, as well.
{NAOFUMI} My sins?
{POPE} You also deceived the people and led them to turn against their own country. You must be punished. I shall purify you in the name of God.
Luz: So far, so generic religious bad guy. But that still doesn’t explain why he felt fine nearly killing Malty, someone who actively probably approved his assassination of Ren and Itsuki. I also notice him not mentioning that it was him who said that it was his nun who gave him the cheap water, and while that might be him editing memory, I don’t trust this show to remember its continuity.
Leliel: Funny you should say that, because Malty herself asks that, and why Balmus tried to get her and Motoyasu as well. He bluntly tells her he plans to frame the Shield Devil for it, and-
[POPE] Oh, but don't worry. We have a plan for a new government to take the royal family's place.
[Long silence]
Luz: [Flatly] He wants to be king.
Suspire: King-priest, but aye.
Luz: He has the ear of the second-in-line to the throne and the elder sister, with none of the responsibilities of being king, and he wants to be king.
Iana: The chair’s comfy.
Luz: He is the leader of an organization wherein he has the exclusive right to decide who gets to improve classes, and economic power over holy water…and he thinks he needs to be king.
Wanderer: The hat’s stuffy. A crown has more air flow.
Luz: He is functionally the power behind the throne in all conceivable aspects, to the point where there’s nobles willing to kidnap the crown princess in his name, and he wants to be king, in this matriarchy, where for some reason, the current monarch still has many supporters in the court, and the active friendship of one of the people he just tried to kill?!
Leliel: See, this is where the anti-Catholicism undertones come in. Because this is his logic:
{MALTY} What are you--?! That's ridiculous! This country's always been ruled by royalty. Our family are the only ones fit to--
[POPE] Abuse your power and disrespect the Church? Look down upon the apostles of God Himself?
[POPE] Royalty? You're a pestilence.
Leliel: The intended implication is that the Three Heroes Church is so racist and corrupt that Mirellia sidelining it caused this level of backlash, and we’re just supposed to assume the mass of clergy following Balmus went along with it. The actual implication is that she’s such an goddamn awful queen that the clergy overheard Balmus ranting about how little she cares about everyone that the entire cathedral agreed, especially because one of the people he attempted to kill is the designated Hate Sink of the series. In other words, this only makes sense if you assume that someone with the title “Pope” is fundamentally hostile to any state that doesn’t serve his own agenda and any member of the clergy or faith blindly follows him, without the barest hint of pragmatic appreciation of soft power - hence, anti-Catholicism, as that’s an element of actual conspiracy theories.
Luz: [Looks about ready to foam at the mouth]
Wanderer: Oooh, and we’re not done. Because Balmus reveals that he’s lost faith in these iterations of the Cardinal Heroes, for the valid-ish reasons of Ren’s dragonslaying causing the miasma and Motoyasu accidentally unleashing the Bio Plant…but the logic he gives for Itsuki is…
Iana: …he tried to overthrow a petty tyrant? We say that he’d be a villain in a better series, because of his simplistic view of morality and ego - and the dub makes it clear that we’re supposed to think he’s selfish - but it’s very interesting this show thinks that “liberating people, even without thinking about the aftereffects”, is “hiding from your duty”. Because how dare the peasants be revolting?
Leliel: And you know the real kicker? Balmus is an idiot on every level, because he didn’t check twice - both Ren and Itsuki are very much alive.
Luz: …[twitch]
(Sound approximation of what she does next.)
Everyone Else: [Stares]
Luz: …I think I would have blown out my voice if I released how loud I wanted it to be…and I was a little stunned.
Wanderer: [Wordlessly hands her a cough drop] Right. So, uh…100 points to each relevant score, because holy shit. Is this fucking dumb, unforeshadowed, and self-destructive - as well as only existing to give an “evil church” to fight.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 618
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 784
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 242 (Apparently, they suck so badly they’re false idols. HATE THEM DAMMIT!)
Leliel: Ugh, moving right along, Balmus declares he’s going to reign holy Judgement on everyone, and receives a golden sword from one of his monks.
And that is pretty much our end-of-episode cliffhanger.
Luz: Dios mio. I was about to have an aneurysm.
Projector: ZZZZ-TT-TT-help them? Yes I do-ZZT.
Luz: And that isn’t helping!
Iana: Ugh…you know what? Luz, I called up your girlfriend. For your mental sake, and because I don’t think this Episode-Duology Rant is your wheelhouse. Because it’s all about corrupt faiths, and how the Three Heroes Church is…none of them. Not in any way that makes it actually land as good satire of bad religion.
Luz: …oh! So Amity agreed-
Purple-Haired Elf-Earned Teenager: She did.
(https://theowlhouse.fandom.com/wiki/Amity_Blight)
Luz: [Hugs her] Thank you…so much. I’m gonna lay down for a few minutes…[Walks off]
Amity: [Takes seat] So! Er, hello! Amity Blight, valedictorian of Hexside, abomination engineering student, girlfriend of Luz…and currently, host of corrupt religion studies. I already got caught up on a lot here, but…I’ll start by saying a big thematic factor in the reason a lot of JRPGs have corrupt religions is that Japan has had some pretty bad experiences with Christianity used as a tool of cultural imperialism. Thank you, Luz, for talking my ear off about these things when preparing me for Earth’s anime net communities.
Leliel: This is a really short form version that is intentionally vague. Look up someone named Moon Channel and his video on why JRPGs ask you to kill God a lot of the time. To avoid getting real-world current politics in here, no direct link. But point is, Christianity in Japan has had a bad rep as the tool of an invading state, and so it is understandably used as a stand-in for an imperialist mode of thought that wants to force others to think others like its backers a lot of the time - read “the god of a bad, Christian-flavored faith” as “the king behind a bad Christian missionary” and it makes a lot of sense.
Amity: Exactly! What’s more, it also ties with the fact that corrupt Buddhist monks have a long folkloric history (which also might have anti-imperialist origins from China, but Buddhism is far more integrated into Japan than Christianity). So a corrupt religion being an antagonist is not a new idea in Japanese thought, and all tie well into the idea of using the air of holiness to mask secular ambition and hypocritical greed, as well as forcing other people into restrictive and pointless rules. From my own world, though it wasn’t explicit - the Emperor’s Coven and the Coven System:
(https://theowlhouse.fandom.com/wiki/Emperor_Belos)
While it’s not explicitly called such, Emperor Belos invoked an actual faith to underscore his system - his literal logic was that the Titan, the primeval demon god whose body makes up the Boiling Isles, was displeased with the wild magic of mixing the different kinds - abomination construction, illusionism, construction, and so on. Thus, to prevent the inherent chaos and sinfulness of wild magic, everyone needed a tattoo to limit them to one type…except for his coven, the Emperor’s Coven. Naturally, this was a way to both divide everyone into weaker subgroups and to make it a lot easier to ensure only his loyalists could mix powers. Plus, uh, preparing to ritually drain the life out of everyone because of his own hate for everything in the Isles. Because he was a genocidal psycho.
Wanderer: More than that, Belos’ pitch makes his covens a perfect “Scam Religion” type of corrupt church. It may have sincere adherents, but from the start, its leaders only made it as part of a cynical power grab for another purpose - in his case, it was for something darker than money, but Belos had absolutely no faith in his own screed, and it showed by how, in retrospect, there really wasn’t any ritualism that didn’t serve a practical aspect - he didn’t want to waste time on anything he didn’t consider necessary to maintaining it.
Suspire: But that not be the only intentionally invented faith. Some be made with the best of intentions in mind. Take me own world’s Immaculate Philosophy.
(Exalted: The Realm)
Amity: …uh. Are we sure these aren’t Buddhists?
Leliel: To break the fourth wall a bit - out of universe, the Immaculates were explicitly inspired by state-sponsored Buddhism during the Imperial Chinese period so…not wrong.
Iana: Immaculacy is the dominant and state religion of the Scarlet Realm, the empire that is run by the Blessed Isle at the heart of Creation - literally the continent in the middle of the sea at the center of our flat world. It is a religion that promotes peace, introspection, social harmony, and the duty of the Exalted and divine to help mortals and mortals to help the Exalted and divine. It is also, to put it bluntly, a complete and utter fabrication and so is most of its cosmology, stitched together from folk beliefs via forgery of an entire library of sacred texts by one Chejop Kejack and his fellow Sidereal Exalted in the Bronze Faction that masterminded the Ursurpation that killed the vast majority of Solar Exalted in a war of genocide, imprisoned their Second Breaths to prevent them being passed on, and its core two objectives are to justify instant crusades against Exalted that won’t play ball with the Bronzies - which include “being a Solar Exalted or their derivatives” - to provide a framework for divine right to the Dragon-Blooded to rule over mortals and mortals have to grin and bare it. To the point where their theology can and has been used to justify the Realm’s slave trade, and Kejack’s given up on trying to forge new teachings that explain that no, reincarnation as a mortal does not mean that reincarnation as a slave is your own fault because it’s too hard to square with “Dragon-Bloods are the result of exemplary behavior in their past lives and deserve to be respected no matter how asshole they behave.”
Wanderer: And…this counts as “best intentions” because…?
Suspire: Because it tells Dragon-Blooded to earn that respect, for one - just because you respect someone doesn’t mean you shouldn’t correct them. What’s more, it has a system of worship that actually does work to give gods the prayer they need to live n’ grow - but prevents them from putting their worshipers out to sea if they wanna force them to give them more, reducing divine corruption. Kejack’s entire plan was to avoid ever needing to need another Ursurpation…and especially to stop the rampant abuse of mortals he saw in Heaven. I hate the ol’ sour salt, but he can’t be said to not be a humble and professional sort. Plus, he’s going to die soon anyway, so…tick, tock, tick, tock.
Leliel: While the Bronze Faction are nearly immortal fate demigod ninjas, their plan for the Immaculate Philosophy makes it a Path of Inspiration, a religion made largely and explicitly as a tool of social control, and as a result becomes corrupt because corruption is part of its very nature; it is ultimately a facet of a secular state, in the case of the Immaculate Philosophy the Scarlet Realm and the Bronze-aligned parts of the Bureau of Destiny. The actual trope namer for that…
(https://eberron.fandom.com/wiki/Quori)
…is a bit different, in that Eberron’s Path of Inspiration, the faith of the empire of Riedra, is actually supernatural in sponsorship…but the sponsors are not benign deities, but demonic living nightmares called the quori, who basically want to lock the entire planet in dreams of pessimism to sustain their own existence. This makes the religion a lot more sinister, but also more simple - the god itself is a false one and a cynical scammer pretending to be something it’s not, at all - at least the Bronze Faction genuinely wants the Realm to thrive to provide order and stability to Creation.
Wanderer: There is, however, one last one, that begins as a real religion, but…twists, over time. Which to round out our non-Christian inspired look is Yevon, from Final Fantasy X:
(https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Yevon)
The Yevon faith is the dominant religion in Spira, the world of FFX. It can basically be described as Buddhism with Shinto trappings and ritual…except not really, because it drops pretty much everything about letting go of the world and cycles as you climb up the ranks, to the point where its entire senior leadership is composed of ghosts.
Suspire: [Snort] I could nay tell you if the Bishop of the Chalcedony Thurible would be greatly offended, busting his corpus laughing, or both upon meeting this lot.
Leliel: The thing about Yevon is that they claim to be working towards the defeat of the monster Sin, a giant…well, flying whale demon god that regularly rampages across the world, targeting advanced technology especially. They sponsor summoners to journey to the ruined city of Zanarkand to speak with the ghost of one of their founders, Lady Yunalesca, and learn the ritual bring forth the Final Aeon, a summon that can destroy Sin’s physical form for a while and allow a chance to rebuild…at the cost of the summoner’s life. They say they will one day help everyone atone for the great Machina War that led to Sin’s creation, hence the banning of technology…except the leaders of Yevon know that’s not actually how it works. Sin, you see, doesn’t actually care about morality in any capacity - its real purpose is to protect a “living dream” of Zanarkand, created by the original Yu Yevon, and it sees any large population center or obvious technology as a potential threat to the island that dream is on out in the ocean, so there is no way to satisfy Sin - the entire purpose of Yevon is to provide false hope while creating Calm periods, to manage entropy rather than find a solution. They see no way out, so they actively work towards a slower death instead.
Amity: And that makes Yevon an interesting example of an actual corrupt church - its actual teachings aren’t corrupt, and are based on, as far as lay worshipers can tell, observable evidence. Sin can and does attack larger population centers, and ones that use a lot of technology. We also see in the game that their funeral rites are needed to prevent the manifestations of fiends, the game’s monsters - actually the physical form of the grudges and negative emotions of the dead. However, their top members have access to more information…and from there, have made what seems to them to be a logical decision that there isn’t any hope for a permanent solution, so they might as well just pretend while doing the best they can. Their goals are just as sincere, but they’re aiming them a lot lower than it seems at first. In a much darker and more tragic game, they might even turn out to have been right.
Leliel: According to certain books, they might have been…but according to literally everyone that read it, that book deserved to be burned, was never translated, and basically covered up by Square Enix, so I consider it to be discontinuity.
Amity: And all of them are examples of churches that need to be destroyed on some level to be reformed. Corrupt to the core. Rotten. So, I ask you…
What, exactly, is the Three Heroes Church? Scam, secular Path of Inspiration, supernatural Path, or completely debased Corrupt?
If you left your sheet blank, you win, because we don’t know a single solitary piece of Titan crap about them!
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyL8FH3Su4M)
Iana: Seriously. Even the name causes issues - because they’re called the Three Heroes Church, but they also apparently have a God? In this supposed matriarchy, shouldn’t the deity be a Goddess, anyway? Hell, that’d actually make sense for something so clearly tying into classic JRPG tropes, given how I’m given to understand your Dragon Quest series has a Goddess in a lot of games.
Wanderer: And the Ys series! But the thing about the Church is that we only learn about their details in retrospect…and I’m going to be honest, the wiki makes them even more confusing. At this point in the series, all we know is that they implicitly support demihuman discrimination, and, up until this very moment, they were allies of Malty. But, it was suddenly convenient for them not to be, so suddenly, they were always scheming. Suddenly, they were always a threat, despite their ambitions not being foreshadowed at all…and to be honest, counterproductive, because Mirella is nowhere near them and can probably get an army to reclaim her throne, and her husband is not likely going to be happy if his daughter is killed. This entire plotline is, to put it simply, idiotic. A desperate attempt by the franchise to come off as “edgy” and “daring”, when in fact, it’s so cliche it comes off as less insightful than it did when we had similar plots in the SNES days.
Projector: ZZZZT-They c-me floc-g to my tablet, “crying sp-ls Sh-va-ka please!”, and do I help them? Yes I-ZZZZZZZZZZT! [Manifests more of the symbol]
Suspire: …I’ll get me knives. But first…points.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 668 (This will haunt the narrative and basically blows up an entire subplot, hence 50.)
Amity: And…I’d love to stay and chat, and probably soak up more of the pain, but seriously, I have a revolt and invasion to help coordinate. Luz? You okay?
Luz: [Dully] Five more minutes…
[Thirty minutes later]
Wanderer: …and it’s really not making it better by just delaying-ah! Camera’s on!
Luz: [Groans] Right. I’m going to be able to rest at the end of this…
[PRIEST A] At long last, our deepest desire shall finally be fulfilled.
Suspire: Aye? Ain’t that be the mug of Pope Balmus?
Wanderer: It is indeed!
Suspire: Aye, thought I recognized the collar and glasses…what deepest desire? It was never even hinted at.
Iana: …obviously what makes him a side obstacle of course. What the writer just thought of as of this chapter that stops him from being a long-term antagonist in favor of the symbolic Cheerleader Who Refuses To Date Me.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 683
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 517
Wanderer: And the rest of the pre-credits isn’t even about this - it’s about Fitoria making the party a new, smaller and more compact cart:
Honestly, it seems like a bit of a downgrade, but Naofumi wants speed rather than cargo here, so I’ll let it slide. But yeah, Filo’s thrilled to pull it, because again filolials seem like something literally made by wizards to be weirdly loli-fied horses, and Fitoria reminds Naofumi of the promise to get along with the other heroes, along with sensing the presence of one. We’ll…uh, we’ll see how that goes.
Leliel: Anyhoo, credits, then after a bit of filler of traveling - border fort:
[MELTY] Are there any other routes we could take, Raphtalia?
[RAPHTALIA] Hmm… We could take a detour, but if we do, it'll cost us a few more days on the road.
{MELTY} Yes, but Fitoria said there was another hero
not too far from here, didn't she?
It might make sense for us to take that detour anyway.
[RAPHTALIA] Master Naofumi? What do you think?
{FLASHBACK FITORIA} Did you ever really try to make up with the other heroes? If you don't tell them they're wrong about you, they'll take it as an admission of your guilt. Don't forget-- you made me a promise.
Luz: Pause! That last line…I’m going to show stills from the show.
Luz: These are both screen captures…from this episode. WE ARE LITERALLY FLASHING BACK TO EARLIER IN THE EPISODE. HOW?!
Wanderer: In a word: Really cheap budget stretching.
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 11 (This normally doesn’t apply to single scenes, but after some “traveling” scenes already…yeah, it’s pretty obvious when they’re filling out time.)
Suspire: Summarizing a tad, they note that Ren and Itsuki might listen - apparently, they recognize Motoyasu’s purpose as obstacle, aye - and at this point, it’s not like Naofumi’s reputation can go anywhere but up, even with the “brainwashed” Mel advocating for him. But of course…
Neither Ren nor Itsuki be the ones waiting.
Leliel: Believe it or not, we are not scoring this…yet. This is actually part of a plan to try and sabotage all of the Cardinal Heroes. It’s a stupid plan, but here, it’s not a contrivance. Just…everything around it.
Iana: Anyway, Naofumi mutters of course it has to be the guy notorious for hating him, but he decides to talk to Motoyasu anyway.
…right in the middle of the road, completely open to any assassins, when oh yes, you know Malty, notorious ambusher, is one of his party members. Moron.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 572
Wanderer: This…does not go well, because as it turns out, Motoyasu is working off some bad intel:
Devil of the Shield[!?]
{NAOFUMI} Can't you at least listen to me before you try to take my head off?
Suspire: Given how, as far as he be aware, you have a Charm that lets you claim minds by speaking to them, and-
{MOTOYASU} I won't listen to anyone who uses a brainwashing shield to enslave Filo and Raphtalia.
Suspire: Well, he put it better than I could. Ye actions have robbed ye of benefit of the doubt. Not that this show realizes that.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 573
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 138 (Because we are supposed to take Naofumi’s words at face value.)
Leliel: Anyway, they trade blows for a bit, at which point Naofumi drops this whopper of a theory as to why Motoyasu, who has only ever gotten this pissed when he feels provoked, is fighting:
[Long beat]
Luz: [Flatly] Is he literally thinking Motoyasu is after him because Motoyasu wanted to beat his face in. Does he really think he matters that much to the Spear Hero.
Wanderer: Yep. He is that kind of egotist. That he thinks that the most plausible solution is not the literal potential brainwashing shield and owning slaves, but because he ran away from a fight once. Our hero, folks.
[Longer beat, at which point the spork projector suddenly unleashes a burst of static.]
Projector: zzzzt…un….ls…need….in pai…zzzt
Leliel: Uh…did everyone hear that?
Suspire: [Looking distinctly uncomfortable] …Scoring!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 574
Iana: [Eyes suspiciously narrowed] …This actually offends Motoyasu a little, and he outright accuses Naofumi of killing Ren and Itsuki. Though, uh…
[MOTOYASU] You told us the heroes should be on the same team. You tricked us! We trusted you…
Luz: [Boggles] Since when?! Naofumi was literally fighting against that until literally just yesterday, and Fitoria! You don’t know that!...and I just realized something else too.
Wanderer: But the author does! And to the author, separating meta knowledge is haaaard…and what?
Luz: Isn’t he traveling with someone he thinks Naofumi sexually assaulted? Why isn’t he bringing that up? Or really, anyone else, in this supposed matriarchy? I think that’d be a major reason why he’s boiling over, especially after having traveled with her for so long - especially with Malty manipulating him.
[Beat]
Projector: zzzt-nd for..ly kn..ma…alent..alw…zzzt
Wanderer: Okay, it’s not just Lels, I heard voices. What the hell? But yeah, this is really shaky, and even more misogynistic on a writing level.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 517 (One for Motoyasu saying this was a thing when it wasn’t, another for Malty being dismissed, as estraz as her pain was.)
But, skipping to the next bit:
[NAOFUMI] Tell me this--did you see their bodies with your own eyes?
Leliel: Answer me this: why does it matter, Naofumi? I know that you think Motoyasu is “gullible” for believing someone that seems trustworthy, but misinformation isn’t actually any easier to disprove when things travel at the speed of a mail cart - in fact, it makes things harder to disprove. Again though, the show has Motoyasu getting uncertain, though, so it’s clearly wanting to think Naofumi had a Great Point (™).
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 515
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 139
In fact…
[MYNE] I think a representative of the Church is a reliable source.
Suspire: Blimey. The worst scurvy dog we knew made a good point. Doesn’t spare her the theme though.
Then you used the devastation as a distraction to kill Itsuki and Ren.
Leliel: By the way, you may have noticed she isn’t even hiding. The Church actually doing an okay frame job since we already knew she was involved spares her a RED MENACE, but Naofumi not noticing gets him another point, because…how blind are you, man? There’s a difference between not noticing the viper in the grass and blithely stepping on her in the middle of the road while she’s sunning herself.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 575
Iana: Skipping ahead, Melty realizes she probably had a hand in it, Malty creates a Lightning Cage arena to prevent escape - this is why you check for ambushers, dumbass - and the parties start fighting. Most of this is…okay, except for this line…
{MOTOYASU}[grunts] Forgive me for this, Filo, but I must fight for Ren and Itsuki, no matter the cost, even if it means I have to hurt you.
Luz: [Moans] And us. Whyyyyy does this “crush” need to be a thing? The Horror taints everything she touches, and it’s clear that you’re only defamed for it because the intended audience demographic is supposed to hate you…
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 140
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 548
Leliel: Anyway, the fight continues, and ends when Filo kicks Motoyasu in the crotch again - seriously, this show hates him that much-
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 141
And Raphtalia slashes Malty with the Spirit Sword again, because this show isn’t done with her-
I'll get you!
RED MENACE: 84
And then Melty and Filo finish off the rest with a combo spell that was not foreshadowed at all. As you do.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 684
Wanderer: Understandably, Motoyasu asks him how the hell he got this strong, especially sans a class change.
[NAOFUMI] While you and your party have been having fun playing superheroes, we've been out here doing the grunt work to clean up after you and acquire new skills.
Suspire: …aye, grunt work such as saving towns from plants and undead dragons, great Bio Plants, and completely unrelated to any Cardinal Hero, interacting with a bird god, getting a Filolial Queen, and bathing in hot springs. But ye are all mundane folks on the road, and building a merchant caravan ain’t a grand plan. All while they be doing similar things, hence why they have similar levels of abilities. To be as fitting as possible for a Deathknight - pull the other leg, it’s got bells on. Ya hypocrite.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 576
Leliel: Naofumi tries to tell him otherwise, but-
[MOTOYASU] Doesn't matter… It doesn't matter what you have to say. I've got to avenge Itsuki and Ren. If I give up, Raphtalia, Princess Melty, and Filo will never be free! They'll always be the Devil of the Shield's prisoners! And I can never accept that! Not as long as I live. 'Cause I'm the Spear Hero!
Iana: …I’m sorry, we seem to have found a cut from an alternate universe where this is about Motoyasu’s adventure, why is this-
{MALTY} Bring me the Devil of the Shield's head and free my dear sister, Melty, from his clutches!
[MOTOYASU grunts]
Iana: -oh right, I forgot this show has the moral compass of a coked-up Guilder who thinks charity is manipulation, courage is stupidity, up is down, and short is long. That being grieving and also having no reason to think the brainwashing shield doesn’t exist is a sign of deep personal character flaws and lust instead of Malty being a manipulator. That your philosopher Ayn Rand is clearly-
Projector: ZZZZZZZT-that one long-ng to be-hnner, -hat one wants to g-t the girl, do I-ZZZZZT-[suddenly releases a persistent black mark resembling a fishhook on the screen]
Iana: [Wordlessly glares at her husband]
Suspire: I…may have asked for some assistance in the Working to get across. No souls were traded, but a lot of money, and some…clauses for co-passage…
Luz: …I’d be asking if I needed to get my swimsuit, but that didn’t sound like Ursula. And…not like the normal mix. But yeah, points.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 677I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 577
RED MENACE: 85
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 142 (Because we’re supposed to think Motoyasu is bullheaded for this.)
Wanderer: That’s when Filo and Raphtalia notice something about the world outside the makeshift lightning arena…
And then, violating literally every bit of characterization and interaction we’ve seen thus far, Filo suddenly kicks Malty, Motoyasu, and his party into close proximity of of Naofumi, so that he can protect them from an attack she senses - and he does so, despite one of them being his archenemy and the other being the man he personally despises as a knucklehead. Because everyone is suddenly heroic when convenient to the plot!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 518 (One for each “huh?” action given both characters. Heroism is great and all, but for Malty and with these two? Really?)
Iana: And that’s when the attack she senses shows herself - which can only be described as “an enormous fuck-you holy laser, barely resisted by Naofumi with a lot of prep.”
Leliel: Related:
If you know, you know…especially given the clown show we are about to see.
Iana: [Whistles] Impressive crater, though. Even more impressive safe zone given the middle of it.
Suspire: Malty recognizes the spell, to her horror - because the only person who casts it comes up to the lip of the crater and…
{POPE BALMUS} and yet you're still standing.
[NAOFUMI gasps]
[POPE] I'd expect nothing less from the Shield Hero.
Luz: [Monotone] Ay caramba, the pope of the Three Heroes religion that hates Naofumi and calls him the Shield Devil is evil after it turned out an adherent was abducing Melty, how unexpected, what a twist in this JRPG generic-ass setting for a Catholic…[Normal tone] wait, wasn’t Malty, one of his allies, in there?!
Leliel: [Points up at warnings] See how I made a warning for anti-Catholicism? We’re about to see some shit that I am pretty sure goes from silly into actual conspiracy theory related to a real-world religion this is based on. Because it’s that dumb and vicious towards anyone who believes in it, and that’s acknowledging that the Catholic Church is not something that is easily punched down on.
Suspire: People can believe what they want to believe…and this? This be sounding like it going to be attacking that in a very underhanded way that might actually hurt some people on the other end of the screen that believe in it. It be that bad. But, after the clarification and reminder of who Balmus be as Pope, we get…this bit of logic.
{NAOFUMI} I know you. From the cathedral in the capital!
{POPE} Oh, so you remember who I am, do you? Then surely you're aware of all your sins, as well.
{NAOFUMI} My sins?
{POPE} You also deceived the people and led them to turn against their own country. You must be punished. I shall purify you in the name of God.
Luz: So far, so generic religious bad guy. But that still doesn’t explain why he felt fine nearly killing Malty, someone who actively probably approved his assassination of Ren and Itsuki. I also notice him not mentioning that it was him who said that it was his nun who gave him the cheap water, and while that might be him editing memory, I don’t trust this show to remember its continuity.
Leliel: Funny you should say that, because Malty herself asks that, and why Balmus tried to get her and Motoyasu as well. He bluntly tells her he plans to frame the Shield Devil for it, and-
[POPE] Oh, but don't worry. We have a plan for a new government to take the royal family's place.
[Long silence]
Luz: [Flatly] He wants to be king.
Suspire: King-priest, but aye.
Luz: He has the ear of the second-in-line to the throne and the elder sister, with none of the responsibilities of being king, and he wants to be king.
Iana: The chair’s comfy.
Luz: He is the leader of an organization wherein he has the exclusive right to decide who gets to improve classes, and economic power over holy water…and he thinks he needs to be king.
Wanderer: The hat’s stuffy. A crown has more air flow.
Luz: He is functionally the power behind the throne in all conceivable aspects, to the point where there’s nobles willing to kidnap the crown princess in his name, and he wants to be king, in this matriarchy, where for some reason, the current monarch still has many supporters in the court, and the active friendship of one of the people he just tried to kill?!
Leliel: See, this is where the anti-Catholicism undertones come in. Because this is his logic:
{MALTY} What are you--?! That's ridiculous! This country's always been ruled by royalty. Our family are the only ones fit to--
[POPE] Abuse your power and disrespect the Church? Look down upon the apostles of God Himself?
[POPE] Royalty? You're a pestilence.
Leliel: The intended implication is that the Three Heroes Church is so racist and corrupt that Mirellia sidelining it caused this level of backlash, and we’re just supposed to assume the mass of clergy following Balmus went along with it. The actual implication is that she’s such an goddamn awful queen that the clergy overheard Balmus ranting about how little she cares about everyone that the entire cathedral agreed, especially because one of the people he attempted to kill is the designated Hate Sink of the series. In other words, this only makes sense if you assume that someone with the title “Pope” is fundamentally hostile to any state that doesn’t serve his own agenda and any member of the clergy or faith blindly follows him, without the barest hint of pragmatic appreciation of soft power - hence, anti-Catholicism, as that’s an element of actual conspiracy theories.
Luz: [Looks about ready to foam at the mouth]
Wanderer: Oooh, and we’re not done. Because Balmus reveals that he’s lost faith in these iterations of the Cardinal Heroes, for the valid-ish reasons of Ren’s dragonslaying causing the miasma and Motoyasu accidentally unleashing the Bio Plant…but the logic he gives for Itsuki is…
Iana: …he tried to overthrow a petty tyrant? We say that he’d be a villain in a better series, because of his simplistic view of morality and ego - and the dub makes it clear that we’re supposed to think he’s selfish - but it’s very interesting this show thinks that “liberating people, even without thinking about the aftereffects”, is “hiding from your duty”. Because how dare the peasants be revolting?
Leliel: And you know the real kicker? Balmus is an idiot on every level, because he didn’t check twice - both Ren and Itsuki are very much alive.
Luz: …[twitch]
(Sound approximation of what she does next.)
Everyone Else: [Stares]
Luz: …I think I would have blown out my voice if I released how loud I wanted it to be…and I was a little stunned.
Wanderer: [Wordlessly hands her a cough drop] Right. So, uh…100 points to each relevant score, because holy shit. Is this fucking dumb, unforeshadowed, and self-destructive - as well as only existing to give an “evil church” to fight.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 618
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 784
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 242 (Apparently, they suck so badly they’re false idols. HATE THEM DAMMIT!)
Leliel: Ugh, moving right along, Balmus declares he’s going to reign holy Judgement on everyone, and receives a golden sword from one of his monks.
And that is pretty much our end-of-episode cliffhanger.
Luz: Dios mio. I was about to have an aneurysm.
Projector: ZZZZ-TT-TT-help them? Yes I do-ZZT.
Luz: And that isn’t helping!
Iana: Ugh…you know what? Luz, I called up your girlfriend. For your mental sake, and because I don’t think this Episode-Duology Rant is your wheelhouse. Because it’s all about corrupt faiths, and how the Three Heroes Church is…none of them. Not in any way that makes it actually land as good satire of bad religion.
Luz: …oh! So Amity agreed-
Purple-Haired Elf-Earned Teenager: She did.
(https://theowlhouse.fandom.com/wiki/Amity_Blight)
Luz: [Hugs her] Thank you…so much. I’m gonna lay down for a few minutes…[Walks off]
Amity: [Takes seat] So! Er, hello! Amity Blight, valedictorian of Hexside, abomination engineering student, girlfriend of Luz…and currently, host of corrupt religion studies. I already got caught up on a lot here, but…I’ll start by saying a big thematic factor in the reason a lot of JRPGs have corrupt religions is that Japan has had some pretty bad experiences with Christianity used as a tool of cultural imperialism. Thank you, Luz, for talking my ear off about these things when preparing me for Earth’s anime net communities.
Leliel: This is a really short form version that is intentionally vague. Look up someone named Moon Channel and his video on why JRPGs ask you to kill God a lot of the time. To avoid getting real-world current politics in here, no direct link. But point is, Christianity in Japan has had a bad rep as the tool of an invading state, and so it is understandably used as a stand-in for an imperialist mode of thought that wants to force others to think others like its backers a lot of the time - read “the god of a bad, Christian-flavored faith” as “the king behind a bad Christian missionary” and it makes a lot of sense.
Amity: Exactly! What’s more, it also ties with the fact that corrupt Buddhist monks have a long folkloric history (which also might have anti-imperialist origins from China, but Buddhism is far more integrated into Japan than Christianity). So a corrupt religion being an antagonist is not a new idea in Japanese thought, and all tie well into the idea of using the air of holiness to mask secular ambition and hypocritical greed, as well as forcing other people into restrictive and pointless rules. From my own world, though it wasn’t explicit - the Emperor’s Coven and the Coven System:
(https://theowlhouse.fandom.com/wiki/Emperor_Belos)
While it’s not explicitly called such, Emperor Belos invoked an actual faith to underscore his system - his literal logic was that the Titan, the primeval demon god whose body makes up the Boiling Isles, was displeased with the wild magic of mixing the different kinds - abomination construction, illusionism, construction, and so on. Thus, to prevent the inherent chaos and sinfulness of wild magic, everyone needed a tattoo to limit them to one type…except for his coven, the Emperor’s Coven. Naturally, this was a way to both divide everyone into weaker subgroups and to make it a lot easier to ensure only his loyalists could mix powers. Plus, uh, preparing to ritually drain the life out of everyone because of his own hate for everything in the Isles. Because he was a genocidal psycho.
Wanderer: More than that, Belos’ pitch makes his covens a perfect “Scam Religion” type of corrupt church. It may have sincere adherents, but from the start, its leaders only made it as part of a cynical power grab for another purpose - in his case, it was for something darker than money, but Belos had absolutely no faith in his own screed, and it showed by how, in retrospect, there really wasn’t any ritualism that didn’t serve a practical aspect - he didn’t want to waste time on anything he didn’t consider necessary to maintaining it.
Suspire: But that not be the only intentionally invented faith. Some be made with the best of intentions in mind. Take me own world’s Immaculate Philosophy.
(Exalted: The Realm)
Amity: …uh. Are we sure these aren’t Buddhists?
Leliel: To break the fourth wall a bit - out of universe, the Immaculates were explicitly inspired by state-sponsored Buddhism during the Imperial Chinese period so…not wrong.
Iana: Immaculacy is the dominant and state religion of the Scarlet Realm, the empire that is run by the Blessed Isle at the heart of Creation - literally the continent in the middle of the sea at the center of our flat world. It is a religion that promotes peace, introspection, social harmony, and the duty of the Exalted and divine to help mortals and mortals to help the Exalted and divine. It is also, to put it bluntly, a complete and utter fabrication and so is most of its cosmology, stitched together from folk beliefs via forgery of an entire library of sacred texts by one Chejop Kejack and his fellow Sidereal Exalted in the Bronze Faction that masterminded the Ursurpation that killed the vast majority of Solar Exalted in a war of genocide, imprisoned their Second Breaths to prevent them being passed on, and its core two objectives are to justify instant crusades against Exalted that won’t play ball with the Bronzies - which include “being a Solar Exalted or their derivatives” - to provide a framework for divine right to the Dragon-Blooded to rule over mortals and mortals have to grin and bare it. To the point where their theology can and has been used to justify the Realm’s slave trade, and Kejack’s given up on trying to forge new teachings that explain that no, reincarnation as a mortal does not mean that reincarnation as a slave is your own fault because it’s too hard to square with “Dragon-Bloods are the result of exemplary behavior in their past lives and deserve to be respected no matter how asshole they behave.”
Wanderer: And…this counts as “best intentions” because…?
Suspire: Because it tells Dragon-Blooded to earn that respect, for one - just because you respect someone doesn’t mean you shouldn’t correct them. What’s more, it has a system of worship that actually does work to give gods the prayer they need to live n’ grow - but prevents them from putting their worshipers out to sea if they wanna force them to give them more, reducing divine corruption. Kejack’s entire plan was to avoid ever needing to need another Ursurpation…and especially to stop the rampant abuse of mortals he saw in Heaven. I hate the ol’ sour salt, but he can’t be said to not be a humble and professional sort. Plus, he’s going to die soon anyway, so…tick, tock, tick, tock.
Leliel: While the Bronze Faction are nearly immortal fate demigod ninjas, their plan for the Immaculate Philosophy makes it a Path of Inspiration, a religion made largely and explicitly as a tool of social control, and as a result becomes corrupt because corruption is part of its very nature; it is ultimately a facet of a secular state, in the case of the Immaculate Philosophy the Scarlet Realm and the Bronze-aligned parts of the Bureau of Destiny. The actual trope namer for that…
(https://eberron.fandom.com/wiki/Quori)
…is a bit different, in that Eberron’s Path of Inspiration, the faith of the empire of Riedra, is actually supernatural in sponsorship…but the sponsors are not benign deities, but demonic living nightmares called the quori, who basically want to lock the entire planet in dreams of pessimism to sustain their own existence. This makes the religion a lot more sinister, but also more simple - the god itself is a false one and a cynical scammer pretending to be something it’s not, at all - at least the Bronze Faction genuinely wants the Realm to thrive to provide order and stability to Creation.
Wanderer: There is, however, one last one, that begins as a real religion, but…twists, over time. Which to round out our non-Christian inspired look is Yevon, from Final Fantasy X:
(https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Yevon)
The Yevon faith is the dominant religion in Spira, the world of FFX. It can basically be described as Buddhism with Shinto trappings and ritual…except not really, because it drops pretty much everything about letting go of the world and cycles as you climb up the ranks, to the point where its entire senior leadership is composed of ghosts.
Suspire: [Snort] I could nay tell you if the Bishop of the Chalcedony Thurible would be greatly offended, busting his corpus laughing, or both upon meeting this lot.
Leliel: The thing about Yevon is that they claim to be working towards the defeat of the monster Sin, a giant…well, flying whale demon god that regularly rampages across the world, targeting advanced technology especially. They sponsor summoners to journey to the ruined city of Zanarkand to speak with the ghost of one of their founders, Lady Yunalesca, and learn the ritual bring forth the Final Aeon, a summon that can destroy Sin’s physical form for a while and allow a chance to rebuild…at the cost of the summoner’s life. They say they will one day help everyone atone for the great Machina War that led to Sin’s creation, hence the banning of technology…except the leaders of Yevon know that’s not actually how it works. Sin, you see, doesn’t actually care about morality in any capacity - its real purpose is to protect a “living dream” of Zanarkand, created by the original Yu Yevon, and it sees any large population center or obvious technology as a potential threat to the island that dream is on out in the ocean, so there is no way to satisfy Sin - the entire purpose of Yevon is to provide false hope while creating Calm periods, to manage entropy rather than find a solution. They see no way out, so they actively work towards a slower death instead.
Amity: And that makes Yevon an interesting example of an actual corrupt church - its actual teachings aren’t corrupt, and are based on, as far as lay worshipers can tell, observable evidence. Sin can and does attack larger population centers, and ones that use a lot of technology. We also see in the game that their funeral rites are needed to prevent the manifestations of fiends, the game’s monsters - actually the physical form of the grudges and negative emotions of the dead. However, their top members have access to more information…and from there, have made what seems to them to be a logical decision that there isn’t any hope for a permanent solution, so they might as well just pretend while doing the best they can. Their goals are just as sincere, but they’re aiming them a lot lower than it seems at first. In a much darker and more tragic game, they might even turn out to have been right.
Leliel: According to certain books, they might have been…but according to literally everyone that read it, that book deserved to be burned, was never translated, and basically covered up by Square Enix, so I consider it to be discontinuity.
Amity: And all of them are examples of churches that need to be destroyed on some level to be reformed. Corrupt to the core. Rotten. So, I ask you…
What, exactly, is the Three Heroes Church? Scam, secular Path of Inspiration, supernatural Path, or completely debased Corrupt?
If you left your sheet blank, you win, because we don’t know a single solitary piece of Titan crap about them!
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyL8FH3Su4M)
Iana: Seriously. Even the name causes issues - because they’re called the Three Heroes Church, but they also apparently have a God? In this supposed matriarchy, shouldn’t the deity be a Goddess, anyway? Hell, that’d actually make sense for something so clearly tying into classic JRPG tropes, given how I’m given to understand your Dragon Quest series has a Goddess in a lot of games.
Wanderer: And the Ys series! But the thing about the Church is that we only learn about their details in retrospect…and I’m going to be honest, the wiki makes them even more confusing. At this point in the series, all we know is that they implicitly support demihuman discrimination, and, up until this very moment, they were allies of Malty. But, it was suddenly convenient for them not to be, so suddenly, they were always scheming. Suddenly, they were always a threat, despite their ambitions not being foreshadowed at all…and to be honest, counterproductive, because Mirella is nowhere near them and can probably get an army to reclaim her throne, and her husband is not likely going to be happy if his daughter is killed. This entire plotline is, to put it simply, idiotic. A desperate attempt by the franchise to come off as “edgy” and “daring”, when in fact, it’s so cliche it comes off as less insightful than it did when we had similar plots in the SNES days.
Projector: ZZZZT-They c-me floc-g to my tablet, “crying sp-ls Sh-va-ka please!”, and do I help them? Yes I-ZZZZZZZZZZT! [Manifests more of the symbol]
Suspire: …I’ll get me knives. But first…points.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 668 (This will haunt the narrative and basically blows up an entire subplot, hence 50.)
Amity: And…I’d love to stay and chat, and probably soak up more of the pain, but seriously, I have a revolt and invasion to help coordinate. Luz? You okay?
Luz: [Dully] Five more minutes…
[Thirty minutes later]
Wanderer: …and it’s really not making it better by just delaying-ah! Camera’s on!
Luz: [Groans] Right. I’m going to be able to rest at the end of this…
Episode 19: The Four Cardinal Heroes
Leliel: And here is where the viewer would suspect the big reveal of Ren and Itsuki’s survival. To be fair, the title doesn’t play until after the intro, but on the other hand, that doesn’t take long…
{POPE} This farce has been entertaining, but that's enough.
(This is not a double post, this is reused in two different episodes.)
{POPE} and the Devil of the Shield, who clings so desperately to life as if he were a cockroach, shall be purified with Holy Judgment. And this country... shall finally be given righteous order!
Suspire: [Silver talent signs in eyes] That orichalcum, you think?
Iana: Down honey. We know as money-obsessed as this franchise is, that’s likely mundane gold plating if not outright iron pyrite, even if it looks like it’s spitting out Evocations. Supposedly as a sign of how “shallow” the Church is. But after a couple “trial shots”, the Holy Judgement (its official name is the Replica, but I think Judgement sounds better) reveals its true capability: it’s a replica of the Cardinal Weapons. All of the Cardinal Weapons, as it shifts form into the Spear.
Luz: Melty reveals this, and that it was claimed the relic was originally made for personal gain but it was lost by the Church and made obscure anyway, likely as a layer of extra security while they stashed it away. As it turns out, the Judgement also has a major flaw, hence why it wasn’t duplicated…which sounds smart, up until you realize Balmus described his previous attacks as “test shots”...
[MELTY] It's powerful, but it requires a tremendous amount of mana for anyone to use it. Just taking that test swing earlier must've drained dozens of his mages of all their energy.
Wanderer: Pop quiz: What’s the problem of literally draining dozens of your guys of all their energy as a test fire?
[Long beat, before Iana’s head impacts the desk]
Iana: You know, I’ve been to Hell. Literally. In my world, it’s more accurately the Demon Realm, because unless you’ve sold your soul to a demon, your ghost doesn’t go there, it’s mostly the home of demons - but it is basically a prison colony, because it’s where my ancestors sealed the living Primordials who didn’t side with humanity and the gods, the Yozis. And because the Yozis are the strongest, and literally compose most of the matter in hell - Malfeas, their king, is literally the soul of the Demon City, and Cecelyne, the Endless Desert, is both the High Justice and the silver sands that serve as border between Malfeas-the-City and Creation - their bitterness, spite and shame literally permeates the very existence of Hell, and that’s why demons tend to be vindictive and proud as a rule. I have seen a literal factory run by a citizen of Malfeas - a noble - that existed to spew out smoke to make her district smell more industrial, explicitly because she felt that it fit a fine businesswoman fanjaus of her stature. In comparison, I think that woman was a model of efficiency and conservation compared to this idiot. At least she just was burning vitriol refinement byproducts to do so, and vitriol is about as common as scrub brush there. This is literally removing the ability of his mages to reinforce him for a taunt and probing assault.
Projector: ZZ-zzzzZZZ-Now it’s happened once or twice, someone couldn’t pay the price-ZZZZZZT-
Iana: And that isn’t helping!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 669 (SMRT tactics.)
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 785 (And it’s mostly to make Naofumi Da Koolest. So…)
{POPE} It is no wonder to anyone that you are first in line to take the throne, Princess Melty. You've educated yourself well.
Luz: …ah, yes, because when I think of political schemers and manipulators, what I think of is ignorance. [Weird look.]
Leliel: To be entirely fair, low cunning and social intelligence isn’t the same as wisdom or knowledge of politics, especially if you have political brains that think for you while you bring the charisma. One could argue the best politicians are those who are the best at figuring out who knows the best, and can sell their ideas - and thus, are humble enough to step back and know when they personally aren’t gods. On the other hand…Malty, as egomaniacal as she is, was literally someone who followed Ren and Itsuki into the archives of the Church and was assisted by them. Even if this is true, it’s really funny how Balmus only decides this when convenient to the plot for him to turn on Malty and make her indebted to Naofumi in front of Motoyasu in some way.
RED MENACE: 86
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 786
[POPE] The mana required by this legendary weapon will be given willingly by all the believers that have followed God here today. My brethren, the war we wage now is between our lord and the Devil of the Shield. It is a holy crusade which we fight in the name of the God of the ages. Offer your prayers, all of you, to the legendary weapon imbued with divine power. And we shall purge this world of the false Spear Hero and the Devil of the Shield.
Suspire: Now, here be a thing I find frustrating, because this be a reasonable weakness for an artifact wielded by the head of a religion. He is literally powered by his faith, as is his weapon. As noted in the previous episode, he be empowered by ritual too. It be a mite more distinct than generic ‘holy’ magic. At the same time…this weapon wasn’t exactly a product of the Church now, was it?
Wanderer: Exactly. We skipped it, but there was a scene of all four Cardinal Weapons being fused into Judgement to show it being the estraz Weapon…which as one might suggest for the Church of the Three Heroes, indicates that it wasn’t originally their idea. Which raises the question, who was the idiot who made their superweapon depend on dozens of willing minions, given their obvious megalomania? …that’s a serious question, that kind of complex sounds actually interesting rather than “this show seems to not realize it heavily implies this isn’t a sacred weapon made by the Church.”
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 670
Leliel: Anyway, Naofumi asks Melty if she can take out his flock, but she says that knocking them out would be mind-effecting magic, which she hasn’t studied and would be hard on trained mages anyway…which doesn’t stop her from, I dunno, attacking them with normal magic, given how they’re clearly willing troops and hostile…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 787
It’s at this point Motoyasu tries to inspire-and the show thinks it’s going to make a salient point:
{MOTOYASU} You manipulate us for your own selfish goals, and when you're finished, you cast us aside like refuse?! The depths of your evil are fathomless! As a Cardinal Hero, I must punish you for that!
{FILO} Spear guy's so annoying.
Luz: …okay, cheesy, but what’s with the sudden hate? It comes off like Motoyasu dared to eat crackers in your vicinity like he owned the place; are heroic speeches really that upsetting to ohhhh…the show’s being edgy. [Air wank motions]
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 243 (For reasons that will become apparent, but seriously, I feel bad giving out this point.)
[MOTOYASU] Prepare yourself, Pope! I will defeat you! Today, Itsuki and Ren's lives shall be avenged!
[POPE laughing]
{MOTOYASU} What the...? Is that a barrier?!
Iana: You know, on the one hand, I can see the intelligence behind covering his major weakness of “he needs time to gather magic.” Twilight Caste Solars - the respective mystical caste - have natural force fields as part of their inherent animas to tie into their intended role as battlefield sorcerers and strategists who need time to think and cast, and any self-respecting sorcerer or necromancer quickly learns other defenses for the time needed to gather power for their magics. That’s why summoning is such a fundamental art, every mage needs a guardian. But…I can’t help but notice it is Motoyasu, Scapegoat of the Universe, who gets to discover this. After being mocked for daring to act like a shonen hero in this shonen series.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 244
Wanderer: Blah de blah blah, Naofumi realizes that they need to cut off the mana supply at which point Motoyasu tells him they need to put their differences aside…and not Naofumi, the guy supposedly who was told to start cooperation…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 578 (It’s notable when even the Scary Stu does it first when Naofumi was complaining about it being Motoyasu, his arch-enemy due to his chronic abolitionism.)
{MALTY} You are going to pay with your life for the sin of turning against the next queen.
Suspire: This be why impulsive backstabbing of your co-conspirators be a sign of being a bit barmy, Balmus. I’m surprised I said that right the first time.
{MOTOYASU’S OTHER PARTY MEMBERS} As source of thy power, I order thee.
{MELTY} Oh, come on.
{FILO} Wow, everybody in spear guy's party is annoying.
[Beat]
Luz: …Que? This isn’t even being edgy, it’s…this is literally them helping you out!
Leliel: The sub makes it clear that this is because it’s Malty talking about betrayal of herself she’s pissed about…but on the other hand, come the fuck on, guys. This is a level of Bitch Eating Crackers the likes of which God and Flambae from Dispatch cannot comprehend. “These entitled brats are saving our lives! How dare they disrespect us like that! Nyeh!”
RED MENACE: 87 (Again, writer intent…not sporker desire. Seriously, what?)
[MYNE] Zweit Fire!
{MOTOYASU} This is the end for you! Burst...Flare Lance!
Suspire: Yeah spoiler alert, it doesn’t work.
Suspire: Or the next volley from the Spear Hero, as the Designated Blubber.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 246
Iana: Balmus, getting bored, idly uses Judgement to set the crater on fire and prepares for a full attack, only for a deus ex machina-I mean, the calvary to arrive and suddenly be able to break his impenetrable barrier despite it being previously shown that as long as his flock keeps on supplying mana, it’s up.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 788 (I’m considering it this, because literally everything we heard said the issue was his mana supply, but suddenly, two attacks at once? Shattered like glass.)
Wanderer: And said calvary?
Wanderer: Yep, hope you didn’t think this show was actually going to go there, it’s not done kicking these two around yet, or exploiting them as cheerleaders when it needs to kick Motoyasu around. We spoiled their survival, but what we didn’t spoil was retcons.
Leliel: Because…well, you saw what happened the previous episode, right? Resting place of the previous Weapons? Well, the franchise hopes you didn’t, or is hurriedly applying whiteout, because while Balmus’ mages are hurriedly repairing the barrier, stronger this time (which slows the Judgement charge), we get the “actual” story.
[REN] Itsuki and I thought something was strange about the Church, so we quietly started investigating them. We discovered a secret file that had been hidden in the Cathedral archives.
[ITSUKI] It described a replica of the Cardinal Weapons and where it had been hidden. We decided it would be a good idea to check it out for ourselves. Clearly, they didn't like that very much. We never found the replica because the Three Heroes Church had lured us to a fake shrine, where they tried to assassinate us.
Wanderer: Right then. Let’s see what the wiki of Episode 17 itself has to say…
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/A_Promise_Made)
And the transcript…
[REN] Here's where the Four Cardinal Weapons...
[ITSUKI] Yeah. There's no doubt about it.
Luz: …so. What’s more likely. That the show itself lied to us? Or that this is a problem in the web novel that every adaptation now has as a flaw as the original author covered their rear end due to thinking of this and/or forgetting their own story by the seat of their pants? Akin to a certain demihuman’s gender?
Projector: ZZZ-ZZ-T-and I had to rake-EVERY CORRECT LISTENER GETS A CHANCE TO WIN OUR SWEEPSTAKES, DEAR VIEWER!-the coals!-ZZT
Leliel: [Blinks] Okaaaaayyy…ten points for…that.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 798
Wanderer: And how’d they get saved?
[ITSUKI] We were saved by a group that said they served the Queen. They called themselves "Shadows."
Iana: Oh. How nice. Also, how nice they didn’t warn them of the likely trap. Mirellia was already suspicious of the Church, we knew that! And this is a fairly obvious trap potential! Even if they weren’t sure, the Shadows could have passed them, I dunno, some protection magic. Or even better, tell Motoyasu the other two were alive long ago, we know how speedy these guys are. The idea the Queen is sabotaging them only gathers steam, especially when Naofumi realizes they must have been watching over Ren and Itsuki.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 670
Leliel: Oh yeah, and a mystery that we probably forgot about and was probably meant to make Itsuki and Ren look worse when it’s their turn to also pick up the Idiot Ball soon!
[ITSUKI] I think the Church stole my reward.
[NAOFUMI] Hm?
[ITSUKI] Back when I overthrew that despot. I understand now that you were framed, Naofumi!
Suspire: [Checks records] Aye, that was way back in episode 10. It be a bit late, but it good to know there be no hard feelings, even if it be a might convenient that the Church was already workin’ towards this even when they be pleased-
[NAOFUMI] Framed?
Suspire: …question, Naofumi. What did ye say directly before then, that alerted Ren and Itsuki to you and your ill opinion of their actions?
How strange that they came to that conclusion.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 579
[MOTOYASU] Pinned that on you, too, huh?
[NAOFUMI] [Thinking] Just a few moments ago you were willing to kill me over a false charge like that.
Iana: …though given Motoyasu’s expression, I can’t blame Naofumi here. You could take this seriously, man.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 247
Luz: Ugh, let’s speed through as much as we can, the fight isn’t that bad; Ren and Itsuki start fighting with Balmus, who has to use up a lot of the charge and lets slip he knows Mirellia’s forces are coming - as the Sword and Bow Heroes confirm, the Shadows went to warn her. Then-are you kidding me.
[ADHERENT A] Did he say the queen herself was bringing reinforcements?
[ADHERENT B] What's happening?
Luz: Is the implication that some of the flock supplying power to this man, was not totally on board for the literal usurping of the throne by this man, so they’re confused as to why the queen is against them? …Does that replica weapon drain Intelligence, too?
Wanderer: Given what’s coming up, possibly…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 671
Iana: Balmus quickly reassures them, and Ren, Itsuki, and Motoyasu team up, knowing the Four Heroes must stand united and-
[NAOFUMI] Melty'll provide magic support.
[REN] Naofumi. What are you doing?
Iana: What he said, exactly what in the name of the Court of Secrets’ porn stash are you up to, you benighted crab?
{NAOFUMI} I'm not gonna play along with you idiots.
[Long beat]
Suspire: Methinks me good rum is in the third door on the right.
Iana: Thanks love. [Snaps fingers, skeletons pull themselves from the ground to go fetch a cask and pour the non-teetotaler legal sporkers some.] Proceed.
[MOTOYASU] Hey! This isn't the time for the lone wolf act.
[NAOFUMI] I'm not helping the guy who tried to kill me when I just wanted to talk.
{ITSUKI} Come on! Our backs are against the wall here. Surely you realize how selfish it is for you to try to fight all by yourself!
Suspire: Methinks he doesn’t even remember yesterday, that being the day he met a literal bird goddess that told him to bury the hatchet. Ye overestimate his cunning, methinks.
{REN} He's right. The only way we win this is together.
{NAOFUMI} We can survive just fine without your help.
Luz: Obviously, the sacred Ochre Nose of the Author guides you.
[MOTOYASU] No you can't! You don't stand a chance! You'll die taking the blame for a crime you didn't commit!
{RAPHTALIA} Is that really what you want? You of all people have no right to say that.
Wanderer: Branded fine pot, meet abolitionist kettle.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 677 (This count was having such a nice break too…)
{FILO} Spear guy is really annoying.
Leliel: The Horror said, demonstrating her undeath as well. She is, after all, a philosophical zombie, devoid of any self-awareness.
{NAOFUMI} You're the ones who let the Three Heroes Church do what they wanted.
Wanderer: *Balmus* “Do you hear that my children? The Spear Devil has gone mad! He clearly does not realize I literally attempted to assassinate two out of three of the false heroes for prying into our business!”
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 672
It's your fault it came to this. Myne takes most of the blame, because she fell for their schemes and fed into them with her own conspiracies.
Luz: *Malty* “Touche, given how I was literally helping them and they stabbed me in the back because of one man’s inability to realize he has plenty of soft power. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to comprehend how stupid he was.”
RED MENACE: 88
{NAOFUMI} But honestly, you're just as guilty, Motoyasu. She played you for a fool.
Leliel: And this is where his words start to get somewhat insidious, because this is actually true; he actually is gullible because Malty knows how to use her pretty face to manipulate him. Except that Naofumi’s going to go on a long rant here that, as we have already exposited on, is bullshit - because it’s about previous episodes.
Wanderer: And as we covered, the core idea of his rant - that the other Cardinal Heroes are too busy playing hero to be heroes - only makes sense because the show is literally forcing reality to conform to it. The dragon Ren killed and didn’t clean up? Literally not his job as an adventurer, sickness doesn’t work like that realistically, and retconned to him being the victim of a scam later. The seeds Motoyasu gave that grew into a Bio Plant? He was tormented by Voice Gengars, manipulated by Malty, literally couldn’t read the language of the warning, and the alchemist that made the seeds was a complete insane dumbass who put them in a big inviting chest. But here’s something also here about Itsuki’s “problem” that is really, really raising alarm bells about the moral compass of this series to me and Lels:
{NAOFUMI} And Itsuki, your vigilante adventure left that town in economic ruin, forcing the people into abject poverty.
[ITSUKI] But if I hadn't taught that lord a lesson, those people would've suffered under his rule forever!
[NAOFUMI] A hero can't solve every problem with brute force. You could've used your standing to pressure the leadership instead of replacing it with more of the same.
[Long pause]
Suspire: What replacement? There be no lord, that’s the issue! It be complete anarchy! What was Itsuki meant to do, lad? Was he literally supposed to ask the old bastard nicely and oh. Ooooh, there it is. [Drains glass, fangs come out] Bonny, I believe we mayhaps should have that clacker cable to Unyabar when we get back hooked up. There be a Covenant that might be very interested in this.
Iana: It does sound especially like one of the kind of thing Kapena would find as one of his Bloody Practicums…Xinyi would probably not even need to be paid in advance, he’d just ask for a share of the loot from his concerts…
Luz: Um, what are you two talking about?
Suspire: Our favorite enemies. The Yozis and the Neverborn had a temporary alliance through the Deathlords and captured a hundred and fifty Solar Exaltations - and as part of the pact, fifty went to the Yozis to be remade in the image of demons. The resulting Infernal Exalted, the Green Sun Princes, are akin to me own Abyssal Exalted kin - we both be remade Solars, after all - but while we are Knights of Death, they be Angels of Hell; reveling in passion, heroism through refinement of sin, courage born of revenge, enlightenment in suffering, transcendence of humanity, and beauty in grotesquerie and mutation. A Circle of them and some other Exalts, who call themselves the Covenant of the Oathtide, declared themselves as ‘sacred pirates’ who guard and advise the Kingdom of Unyabar after they finally successfully broke away from the Scarlet Realm’s control of them as what was effectively an island-sized slave plantation…with much demonic help, to the point where the state religion worships Ululaya, the living Red Moon of the Demon City - and one of the Yozi Kimbery’s daughters and bridge officers, to cut a long and complicated mystical explanation of Third Circle Demons short.
Iana: They aren’t bad sorts, at their core - unacceptably violent to a diplomat like me and all about radical change, and I think I’d have a lower opinion if their island was located in the Southeast closer to Champoor rather than the Great Western Ocean, and we didn’t often clash over resources we both want instead of territory and alliances. But we agree on as much as we don’t in letters and our taunts, as statesmen and Exalts. On the necessity of mortals to rule mortals, that republics with personal freedoms are more stable than absolutist governments, that there is no more free feeling than being at the helm of a ship with the wind in your face and that kissing the ass of the guy in charge and expecting change, no matter how much a celebrity you are, is going to result in nothing but you being kicked out, because that’s literally the logic of someone who doesn’t actually want social change. Naofumi is a Dragons-damned scab.
Leliel: We’re dancing around the actual term for this, because again, no real-world politics. We’ll just make it clear that a “scab” is an employee who voluntarily works during their own work union’s strike for the express purpose of breaking the strike, if not actively trying to attack protestors directly. But it is exactly the kind of surface-level edgy slop that presents itself as insightful…when in fact it’s actually all for the status quo, the issue is that Our Hero isn’t the one wearing the jackboots, as it were. That’s the power fantasy, and that’s why Naofumi owns slaves - because the fantasy is being the big strong bully, not being the guy who overturns this shitty system of bullies.
Luz: It’s why I never got into Xianxia; too much of it shows just how corrupt the whole “spirit cultivation” system is…and then shows the protagonist exploiting it and making it worse, because that’s how you get ahead. Because of course. It’s not fun; give me the Good Kung Fu Master Ra Luzu, who overthrows Heaven and institutes something less dependent on birth.
Wanderer: And for all this shit, and Naofumi completely ignoring Fitoria - and as later shown, causing the other Heroes to collapse into arguing with Motoyasu because of it - a hundred points, because this was all happening while Balmus was charging up his holy death ray, you fucking moron.
Projector: ZZZT-yes I’ve had the odd-and an insult to scabs, too, there are hard-working and crafty union busters-on the whole I’ve been a saint…zzzt
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 679
Luz: By the end of it, Balmus himself is just as disappointed in the Cardinal Heroes as we are, though the show prevents him from directly and vocally fingering Naofumi as the cause, but Judgement has charged up enough to put them out of everyone’s misery.
Wanderer: We skipped this, but up until now, Naofumi was pretty sure he couldn’t resist a full-power attack from Judgement. So that, for the sake of this entire stupid scene, was a lie.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 799
Luz: Naofumi whines some more about how the other heroes are just like the Pope, they’re all self-righteous, blah blah blah they’re not trying to take over the kingdom and their crimes were being mean to a guy they thought was a rapist you dipshit can we skip to the end?
Leliel: We can indeed, because as you may have noticed, I got lazy about screenshots. That’s because this has several flashbacks to earlier episodes and is mostly people talking about earlier episodes, with occasional cuts to Balmus and his flock posing and praying, and the end result of all this?
Leliel: Naofumi finally remembering he was supposed to make peace with the others, but he had to go pause the entire story and wank himself a pity party like he was an especially tear-jerking version of SCP-8008-B, aka the Time Pervert.
Iana: …do we want to know?
Wanderer: Let’s just say there’s more reasons than me falling out of love with the site that we’re not linking it, but…basically, imagine the world’s grossest man becoming a time-bending god, and gaining the power to stop and alter time via…well, wank is the operative term. (OOC: AND WE MEAN THAT - it’s a good story with some black comedy about how very, very terrible the Time Pervert’s writing is, but it’s intentional gross-out horror about what happens when the multiverse becomes a very creepy narcissist’s self-insert fic, from his perspective. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)
Suspire: …so, nay. Points.
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 12
Luz: The discovery of supervillains I never wished to know existed aside, the Pope ends it all when he decides to kick it up one last time, and directs his flock into one last bit of defensive magic: Cathedral.
Projector: ZZZT-for those poor unfortunate-oh so that’s where the budget went! And…connection established! And this goes here…
[Image of rune fully displays]
(https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Shivaska)
[Gong suddenly rings thirteen times as the screen falls away into a stairwell, and the projector begins to play a familiar tune - with all instances of “Ursula” replaced with a different name.]
[And from it emerges a very stately looking woman with piercing red eyes - and chains coming from her back.]
(Starfinder: Mechageddon)
Chain Woman: Why, Suspire! How’s my current favorite cross-universal investor?
Suspire: [Knives out] Shivaska. Kinda was hoping ye didn’t think there was something worth in that contract we wrote.
Shivaska: Oh come now. I’m not Mammon. You make a contract that ironclad, I just get very interested in what it is you value that much that you need me anyway - I respect that kind of CEO mindset, that can-do attitude. If your soul wasn’t pledged, I think you could have a real place in the Winding Wood as one of our executives - just gotta work through those pesky morals in our training programs.
Iana: [Chimera form, sniffing] You smell like a demon…but also a god…what are you?
Shivaska: Oh, I am a demon - a Lord among them, in fact. But I’m not that kind of demon - I am a creature of the Outer Rifts, an embodiment of delicious sin - I am the profit urge, the pitch and hook, the never-enough, the overtime in place of your family, the desire that chains, the grindset, the disruption made flesh, the will to destroy the world and yourself to say that you are just a little richer, just a little more towards that impossible dream that you too can be a billionaire - I am Shivaska, the Dangling Chain, CEO of the Winding Wood!
Luz: …aren’t you the Demon Lord of Aberrations and Prisons?
Shivaska: Ah, a Pathfinder fan! I was, but I found a new job with spaceflight and the invention of capitalism! And I must say - it’s true what they say, do what you love, never work a day in your life! And speaking of…
[She suddenly hands over a contract to Leliel]
Leliel: “...henceforth, the offering party, Shivaska, offers her consultancy as a sporker, without demanding souls in any shape of form, because this show offends her that much?”
Shivaska: Did you really think fooling me was that easy, Suspire? I knew where you were heading - and I have needed to collect a debt, and eliminate an insult to hardworking scabs, for a while. I’m the Demon Lord of Techbros, and this so-called Shield Hero is…disgusting.
Wanderer: …okay then! So, join us next time, as our newest infernal sporker helps us take down stupid holiness!
Leliel: And here is where the viewer would suspect the big reveal of Ren and Itsuki’s survival. To be fair, the title doesn’t play until after the intro, but on the other hand, that doesn’t take long…
{POPE} This farce has been entertaining, but that's enough.
(This is not a double post, this is reused in two different episodes.)
{POPE} and the Devil of the Shield, who clings so desperately to life as if he were a cockroach, shall be purified with Holy Judgment. And this country... shall finally be given righteous order!
Suspire: [Silver talent signs in eyes] That orichalcum, you think?
Iana: Down honey. We know as money-obsessed as this franchise is, that’s likely mundane gold plating if not outright iron pyrite, even if it looks like it’s spitting out Evocations. Supposedly as a sign of how “shallow” the Church is. But after a couple “trial shots”, the Holy Judgement (its official name is the Replica, but I think Judgement sounds better) reveals its true capability: it’s a replica of the Cardinal Weapons. All of the Cardinal Weapons, as it shifts form into the Spear.
Luz: Melty reveals this, and that it was claimed the relic was originally made for personal gain but it was lost by the Church and made obscure anyway, likely as a layer of extra security while they stashed it away. As it turns out, the Judgement also has a major flaw, hence why it wasn’t duplicated…which sounds smart, up until you realize Balmus described his previous attacks as “test shots”...
[MELTY] It's powerful, but it requires a tremendous amount of mana for anyone to use it. Just taking that test swing earlier must've drained dozens of his mages of all their energy.
Wanderer: Pop quiz: What’s the problem of literally draining dozens of your guys of all their energy as a test fire?
[Long beat, before Iana’s head impacts the desk]
Iana: You know, I’ve been to Hell. Literally. In my world, it’s more accurately the Demon Realm, because unless you’ve sold your soul to a demon, your ghost doesn’t go there, it’s mostly the home of demons - but it is basically a prison colony, because it’s where my ancestors sealed the living Primordials who didn’t side with humanity and the gods, the Yozis. And because the Yozis are the strongest, and literally compose most of the matter in hell - Malfeas, their king, is literally the soul of the Demon City, and Cecelyne, the Endless Desert, is both the High Justice and the silver sands that serve as border between Malfeas-the-City and Creation - their bitterness, spite and shame literally permeates the very existence of Hell, and that’s why demons tend to be vindictive and proud as a rule. I have seen a literal factory run by a citizen of Malfeas - a noble - that existed to spew out smoke to make her district smell more industrial, explicitly because she felt that it fit a fine businesswoman fanjaus of her stature. In comparison, I think that woman was a model of efficiency and conservation compared to this idiot. At least she just was burning vitriol refinement byproducts to do so, and vitriol is about as common as scrub brush there. This is literally removing the ability of his mages to reinforce him for a taunt and probing assault.
Projector: ZZ-zzzzZZZ-Now it’s happened once or twice, someone couldn’t pay the price-ZZZZZZT-
Iana: And that isn’t helping!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 669 (SMRT tactics.)
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 785 (And it’s mostly to make Naofumi Da Koolest. So…)
{POPE} It is no wonder to anyone that you are first in line to take the throne, Princess Melty. You've educated yourself well.
Luz: …ah, yes, because when I think of political schemers and manipulators, what I think of is ignorance. [Weird look.]
Leliel: To be entirely fair, low cunning and social intelligence isn’t the same as wisdom or knowledge of politics, especially if you have political brains that think for you while you bring the charisma. One could argue the best politicians are those who are the best at figuring out who knows the best, and can sell their ideas - and thus, are humble enough to step back and know when they personally aren’t gods. On the other hand…Malty, as egomaniacal as she is, was literally someone who followed Ren and Itsuki into the archives of the Church and was assisted by them. Even if this is true, it’s really funny how Balmus only decides this when convenient to the plot for him to turn on Malty and make her indebted to Naofumi in front of Motoyasu in some way.
RED MENACE: 86
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 786
[POPE] The mana required by this legendary weapon will be given willingly by all the believers that have followed God here today. My brethren, the war we wage now is between our lord and the Devil of the Shield. It is a holy crusade which we fight in the name of the God of the ages. Offer your prayers, all of you, to the legendary weapon imbued with divine power. And we shall purge this world of the false Spear Hero and the Devil of the Shield.
Suspire: Now, here be a thing I find frustrating, because this be a reasonable weakness for an artifact wielded by the head of a religion. He is literally powered by his faith, as is his weapon. As noted in the previous episode, he be empowered by ritual too. It be a mite more distinct than generic ‘holy’ magic. At the same time…this weapon wasn’t exactly a product of the Church now, was it?
Wanderer: Exactly. We skipped it, but there was a scene of all four Cardinal Weapons being fused into Judgement to show it being the estraz Weapon…which as one might suggest for the Church of the Three Heroes, indicates that it wasn’t originally their idea. Which raises the question, who was the idiot who made their superweapon depend on dozens of willing minions, given their obvious megalomania? …that’s a serious question, that kind of complex sounds actually interesting rather than “this show seems to not realize it heavily implies this isn’t a sacred weapon made by the Church.”
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 670
Leliel: Anyway, Naofumi asks Melty if she can take out his flock, but she says that knocking them out would be mind-effecting magic, which she hasn’t studied and would be hard on trained mages anyway…which doesn’t stop her from, I dunno, attacking them with normal magic, given how they’re clearly willing troops and hostile…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 787
It’s at this point Motoyasu tries to inspire-and the show thinks it’s going to make a salient point:
{MOTOYASU} You manipulate us for your own selfish goals, and when you're finished, you cast us aside like refuse?! The depths of your evil are fathomless! As a Cardinal Hero, I must punish you for that!
{FILO} Spear guy's so annoying.
Luz: …okay, cheesy, but what’s with the sudden hate? It comes off like Motoyasu dared to eat crackers in your vicinity like he owned the place; are heroic speeches really that upsetting to ohhhh…the show’s being edgy. [Air wank motions]
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 243 (For reasons that will become apparent, but seriously, I feel bad giving out this point.)
[MOTOYASU] Prepare yourself, Pope! I will defeat you! Today, Itsuki and Ren's lives shall be avenged!
[POPE laughing]
{MOTOYASU} What the...? Is that a barrier?!
Iana: You know, on the one hand, I can see the intelligence behind covering his major weakness of “he needs time to gather magic.” Twilight Caste Solars - the respective mystical caste - have natural force fields as part of their inherent animas to tie into their intended role as battlefield sorcerers and strategists who need time to think and cast, and any self-respecting sorcerer or necromancer quickly learns other defenses for the time needed to gather power for their magics. That’s why summoning is such a fundamental art, every mage needs a guardian. But…I can’t help but notice it is Motoyasu, Scapegoat of the Universe, who gets to discover this. After being mocked for daring to act like a shonen hero in this shonen series.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 244
Wanderer: Blah de blah blah, Naofumi realizes that they need to cut off the mana supply at which point Motoyasu tells him they need to put their differences aside…and not Naofumi, the guy supposedly who was told to start cooperation…
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 578 (It’s notable when even the Scary Stu does it first when Naofumi was complaining about it being Motoyasu, his arch-enemy due to his chronic abolitionism.)
{MALTY} You are going to pay with your life for the sin of turning against the next queen.
Suspire: This be why impulsive backstabbing of your co-conspirators be a sign of being a bit barmy, Balmus. I’m surprised I said that right the first time.
{MOTOYASU’S OTHER PARTY MEMBERS} As source of thy power, I order thee.
{MELTY} Oh, come on.
{FILO} Wow, everybody in spear guy's party is annoying.
[Beat]
Luz: …Que? This isn’t even being edgy, it’s…this is literally them helping you out!
Leliel: The sub makes it clear that this is because it’s Malty talking about betrayal of herself she’s pissed about…but on the other hand, come the fuck on, guys. This is a level of Bitch Eating Crackers the likes of which God and Flambae from Dispatch cannot comprehend. “These entitled brats are saving our lives! How dare they disrespect us like that! Nyeh!”
RED MENACE: 87 (Again, writer intent…not sporker desire. Seriously, what?)
[MYNE] Zweit Fire!
{MOTOYASU} This is the end for you! Burst...Flare Lance!
Suspire: Yeah spoiler alert, it doesn’t work.
Suspire: Or the next volley from the Spear Hero, as the Designated Blubber.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 246
Iana: Balmus, getting bored, idly uses Judgement to set the crater on fire and prepares for a full attack, only for a deus ex machina-I mean, the calvary to arrive and suddenly be able to break his impenetrable barrier despite it being previously shown that as long as his flock keeps on supplying mana, it’s up.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 788 (I’m considering it this, because literally everything we heard said the issue was his mana supply, but suddenly, two attacks at once? Shattered like glass.)
Wanderer: And said calvary?
Wanderer: Yep, hope you didn’t think this show was actually going to go there, it’s not done kicking these two around yet, or exploiting them as cheerleaders when it needs to kick Motoyasu around. We spoiled their survival, but what we didn’t spoil was retcons.
Leliel: Because…well, you saw what happened the previous episode, right? Resting place of the previous Weapons? Well, the franchise hopes you didn’t, or is hurriedly applying whiteout, because while Balmus’ mages are hurriedly repairing the barrier, stronger this time (which slows the Judgement charge), we get the “actual” story.
[REN] Itsuki and I thought something was strange about the Church, so we quietly started investigating them. We discovered a secret file that had been hidden in the Cathedral archives.
[ITSUKI] It described a replica of the Cardinal Weapons and where it had been hidden. We decided it would be a good idea to check it out for ourselves. Clearly, they didn't like that very much. We never found the replica because the Three Heroes Church had lured us to a fake shrine, where they tried to assassinate us.
Wanderer: Right then. Let’s see what the wiki of Episode 17 itself has to say…
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/A_Promise_Made)
And the transcript…
[REN] Here's where the Four Cardinal Weapons...
[ITSUKI] Yeah. There's no doubt about it.
Luz: …so. What’s more likely. That the show itself lied to us? Or that this is a problem in the web novel that every adaptation now has as a flaw as the original author covered their rear end due to thinking of this and/or forgetting their own story by the seat of their pants? Akin to a certain demihuman’s gender?
Projector: ZZZ-ZZ-T-and I had to rake-EVERY CORRECT LISTENER GETS A CHANCE TO WIN OUR SWEEPSTAKES, DEAR VIEWER!-the coals!-ZZT
Leliel: [Blinks] Okaaaaayyy…ten points for…that.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 798
Wanderer: And how’d they get saved?
[ITSUKI] We were saved by a group that said they served the Queen. They called themselves "Shadows."
Iana: Oh. How nice. Also, how nice they didn’t warn them of the likely trap. Mirellia was already suspicious of the Church, we knew that! And this is a fairly obvious trap potential! Even if they weren’t sure, the Shadows could have passed them, I dunno, some protection magic. Or even better, tell Motoyasu the other two were alive long ago, we know how speedy these guys are. The idea the Queen is sabotaging them only gathers steam, especially when Naofumi realizes they must have been watching over Ren and Itsuki.
GASLIGHT GATEKEEP GIRL-LOSS: 670
Leliel: Oh yeah, and a mystery that we probably forgot about and was probably meant to make Itsuki and Ren look worse when it’s their turn to also pick up the Idiot Ball soon!
[ITSUKI] I think the Church stole my reward.
[NAOFUMI] Hm?
[ITSUKI] Back when I overthrew that despot. I understand now that you were framed, Naofumi!
Suspire: [Checks records] Aye, that was way back in episode 10. It be a bit late, but it good to know there be no hard feelings, even if it be a might convenient that the Church was already workin’ towards this even when they be pleased-
[NAOFUMI] Framed?
Suspire: …question, Naofumi. What did ye say directly before then, that alerted Ren and Itsuki to you and your ill opinion of their actions?
How strange that they came to that conclusion.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 579
[MOTOYASU] Pinned that on you, too, huh?
[NAOFUMI] [Thinking] Just a few moments ago you were willing to kill me over a false charge like that.
Iana: …though given Motoyasu’s expression, I can’t blame Naofumi here. You could take this seriously, man.
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 247
Luz: Ugh, let’s speed through as much as we can, the fight isn’t that bad; Ren and Itsuki start fighting with Balmus, who has to use up a lot of the charge and lets slip he knows Mirellia’s forces are coming - as the Sword and Bow Heroes confirm, the Shadows went to warn her. Then-are you kidding me.
[ADHERENT A] Did he say the queen herself was bringing reinforcements?
[ADHERENT B] What's happening?
Luz: Is the implication that some of the flock supplying power to this man, was not totally on board for the literal usurping of the throne by this man, so they’re confused as to why the queen is against them? …Does that replica weapon drain Intelligence, too?
Wanderer: Given what’s coming up, possibly…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 671
Iana: Balmus quickly reassures them, and Ren, Itsuki, and Motoyasu team up, knowing the Four Heroes must stand united and-
[NAOFUMI] Melty'll provide magic support.
[REN] Naofumi. What are you doing?
Iana: What he said, exactly what in the name of the Court of Secrets’ porn stash are you up to, you benighted crab?
{NAOFUMI} I'm not gonna play along with you idiots.
[Long beat]
Suspire: Methinks me good rum is in the third door on the right.
Iana: Thanks love. [Snaps fingers, skeletons pull themselves from the ground to go fetch a cask and pour the non-teetotaler legal sporkers some.] Proceed.
[MOTOYASU] Hey! This isn't the time for the lone wolf act.
[NAOFUMI] I'm not helping the guy who tried to kill me when I just wanted to talk.
{ITSUKI} Come on! Our backs are against the wall here. Surely you realize how selfish it is for you to try to fight all by yourself!
Suspire: Methinks he doesn’t even remember yesterday, that being the day he met a literal bird goddess that told him to bury the hatchet. Ye overestimate his cunning, methinks.
{REN} He's right. The only way we win this is together.
{NAOFUMI} We can survive just fine without your help.
Luz: Obviously, the sacred Ochre Nose of the Author guides you.
[MOTOYASU] No you can't! You don't stand a chance! You'll die taking the blame for a crime you didn't commit!
{RAPHTALIA} Is that really what you want? You of all people have no right to say that.
Wanderer: Branded fine pot, meet abolitionist kettle.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 677 (This count was having such a nice break too…)
{FILO} Spear guy is really annoying.
Leliel: The Horror said, demonstrating her undeath as well. She is, after all, a philosophical zombie, devoid of any self-awareness.
{NAOFUMI} You're the ones who let the Three Heroes Church do what they wanted.
Wanderer: *Balmus* “Do you hear that my children? The Spear Devil has gone mad! He clearly does not realize I literally attempted to assassinate two out of three of the false heroes for prying into our business!”
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 672
It's your fault it came to this. Myne takes most of the blame, because she fell for their schemes and fed into them with her own conspiracies.
Luz: *Malty* “Touche, given how I was literally helping them and they stabbed me in the back because of one man’s inability to realize he has plenty of soft power. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to comprehend how stupid he was.”
RED MENACE: 88
{NAOFUMI} But honestly, you're just as guilty, Motoyasu. She played you for a fool.
Leliel: And this is where his words start to get somewhat insidious, because this is actually true; he actually is gullible because Malty knows how to use her pretty face to manipulate him. Except that Naofumi’s going to go on a long rant here that, as we have already exposited on, is bullshit - because it’s about previous episodes.
Wanderer: And as we covered, the core idea of his rant - that the other Cardinal Heroes are too busy playing hero to be heroes - only makes sense because the show is literally forcing reality to conform to it. The dragon Ren killed and didn’t clean up? Literally not his job as an adventurer, sickness doesn’t work like that realistically, and retconned to him being the victim of a scam later. The seeds Motoyasu gave that grew into a Bio Plant? He was tormented by Voice Gengars, manipulated by Malty, literally couldn’t read the language of the warning, and the alchemist that made the seeds was a complete insane dumbass who put them in a big inviting chest. But here’s something also here about Itsuki’s “problem” that is really, really raising alarm bells about the moral compass of this series to me and Lels:
{NAOFUMI} And Itsuki, your vigilante adventure left that town in economic ruin, forcing the people into abject poverty.
[ITSUKI] But if I hadn't taught that lord a lesson, those people would've suffered under his rule forever!
[NAOFUMI] A hero can't solve every problem with brute force. You could've used your standing to pressure the leadership instead of replacing it with more of the same.
[Long pause]
Suspire: What replacement? There be no lord, that’s the issue! It be complete anarchy! What was Itsuki meant to do, lad? Was he literally supposed to ask the old bastard nicely and oh. Ooooh, there it is. [Drains glass, fangs come out] Bonny, I believe we mayhaps should have that clacker cable to Unyabar when we get back hooked up. There be a Covenant that might be very interested in this.
Iana: It does sound especially like one of the kind of thing Kapena would find as one of his Bloody Practicums…Xinyi would probably not even need to be paid in advance, he’d just ask for a share of the loot from his concerts…
Luz: Um, what are you two talking about?
Suspire: Our favorite enemies. The Yozis and the Neverborn had a temporary alliance through the Deathlords and captured a hundred and fifty Solar Exaltations - and as part of the pact, fifty went to the Yozis to be remade in the image of demons. The resulting Infernal Exalted, the Green Sun Princes, are akin to me own Abyssal Exalted kin - we both be remade Solars, after all - but while we are Knights of Death, they be Angels of Hell; reveling in passion, heroism through refinement of sin, courage born of revenge, enlightenment in suffering, transcendence of humanity, and beauty in grotesquerie and mutation. A Circle of them and some other Exalts, who call themselves the Covenant of the Oathtide, declared themselves as ‘sacred pirates’ who guard and advise the Kingdom of Unyabar after they finally successfully broke away from the Scarlet Realm’s control of them as what was effectively an island-sized slave plantation…with much demonic help, to the point where the state religion worships Ululaya, the living Red Moon of the Demon City - and one of the Yozi Kimbery’s daughters and bridge officers, to cut a long and complicated mystical explanation of Third Circle Demons short.
Iana: They aren’t bad sorts, at their core - unacceptably violent to a diplomat like me and all about radical change, and I think I’d have a lower opinion if their island was located in the Southeast closer to Champoor rather than the Great Western Ocean, and we didn’t often clash over resources we both want instead of territory and alliances. But we agree on as much as we don’t in letters and our taunts, as statesmen and Exalts. On the necessity of mortals to rule mortals, that republics with personal freedoms are more stable than absolutist governments, that there is no more free feeling than being at the helm of a ship with the wind in your face and that kissing the ass of the guy in charge and expecting change, no matter how much a celebrity you are, is going to result in nothing but you being kicked out, because that’s literally the logic of someone who doesn’t actually want social change. Naofumi is a Dragons-damned scab.
Leliel: We’re dancing around the actual term for this, because again, no real-world politics. We’ll just make it clear that a “scab” is an employee who voluntarily works during their own work union’s strike for the express purpose of breaking the strike, if not actively trying to attack protestors directly. But it is exactly the kind of surface-level edgy slop that presents itself as insightful…when in fact it’s actually all for the status quo, the issue is that Our Hero isn’t the one wearing the jackboots, as it were. That’s the power fantasy, and that’s why Naofumi owns slaves - because the fantasy is being the big strong bully, not being the guy who overturns this shitty system of bullies.
Luz: It’s why I never got into Xianxia; too much of it shows just how corrupt the whole “spirit cultivation” system is…and then shows the protagonist exploiting it and making it worse, because that’s how you get ahead. Because of course. It’s not fun; give me the Good Kung Fu Master Ra Luzu, who overthrows Heaven and institutes something less dependent on birth.
Wanderer: And for all this shit, and Naofumi completely ignoring Fitoria - and as later shown, causing the other Heroes to collapse into arguing with Motoyasu because of it - a hundred points, because this was all happening while Balmus was charging up his holy death ray, you fucking moron.
Projector: ZZZT-yes I’ve had the odd-and an insult to scabs, too, there are hard-working and crafty union busters-on the whole I’ve been a saint…zzzt
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 679
Luz: By the end of it, Balmus himself is just as disappointed in the Cardinal Heroes as we are, though the show prevents him from directly and vocally fingering Naofumi as the cause, but Judgement has charged up enough to put them out of everyone’s misery.
Wanderer: We skipped this, but up until now, Naofumi was pretty sure he couldn’t resist a full-power attack from Judgement. So that, for the sake of this entire stupid scene, was a lie.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 799
Luz: Naofumi whines some more about how the other heroes are just like the Pope, they’re all self-righteous, blah blah blah they’re not trying to take over the kingdom and their crimes were being mean to a guy they thought was a rapist you dipshit can we skip to the end?
Leliel: We can indeed, because as you may have noticed, I got lazy about screenshots. That’s because this has several flashbacks to earlier episodes and is mostly people talking about earlier episodes, with occasional cuts to Balmus and his flock posing and praying, and the end result of all this?
Leliel: Naofumi finally remembering he was supposed to make peace with the others, but he had to go pause the entire story and wank himself a pity party like he was an especially tear-jerking version of SCP-8008-B, aka the Time Pervert.
Iana: …do we want to know?
Wanderer: Let’s just say there’s more reasons than me falling out of love with the site that we’re not linking it, but…basically, imagine the world’s grossest man becoming a time-bending god, and gaining the power to stop and alter time via…well, wank is the operative term. (OOC: AND WE MEAN THAT - it’s a good story with some black comedy about how very, very terrible the Time Pervert’s writing is, but it’s intentional gross-out horror about what happens when the multiverse becomes a very creepy narcissist’s self-insert fic, from his perspective. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)
Suspire: …so, nay. Points.
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 12
Luz: The discovery of supervillains I never wished to know existed aside, the Pope ends it all when he decides to kick it up one last time, and directs his flock into one last bit of defensive magic: Cathedral.
Projector: ZZZT-for those poor unfortunate-oh so that’s where the budget went! And…connection established! And this goes here…
[Image of rune fully displays]
(https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Shivaska)
[Gong suddenly rings thirteen times as the screen falls away into a stairwell, and the projector begins to play a familiar tune - with all instances of “Ursula” replaced with a different name.]
[And from it emerges a very stately looking woman with piercing red eyes - and chains coming from her back.]
(Starfinder: Mechageddon)
Chain Woman: Why, Suspire! How’s my current favorite cross-universal investor?
Suspire: [Knives out] Shivaska. Kinda was hoping ye didn’t think there was something worth in that contract we wrote.
Shivaska: Oh come now. I’m not Mammon. You make a contract that ironclad, I just get very interested in what it is you value that much that you need me anyway - I respect that kind of CEO mindset, that can-do attitude. If your soul wasn’t pledged, I think you could have a real place in the Winding Wood as one of our executives - just gotta work through those pesky morals in our training programs.
Iana: [Chimera form, sniffing] You smell like a demon…but also a god…what are you?
Shivaska: Oh, I am a demon - a Lord among them, in fact. But I’m not that kind of demon - I am a creature of the Outer Rifts, an embodiment of delicious sin - I am the profit urge, the pitch and hook, the never-enough, the overtime in place of your family, the desire that chains, the grindset, the disruption made flesh, the will to destroy the world and yourself to say that you are just a little richer, just a little more towards that impossible dream that you too can be a billionaire - I am Shivaska, the Dangling Chain, CEO of the Winding Wood!
Luz: …aren’t you the Demon Lord of Aberrations and Prisons?
Shivaska: Ah, a Pathfinder fan! I was, but I found a new job with spaceflight and the invention of capitalism! And I must say - it’s true what they say, do what you love, never work a day in your life! And speaking of…
[She suddenly hands over a contract to Leliel]
Leliel: “...henceforth, the offering party, Shivaska, offers her consultancy as a sporker, without demanding souls in any shape of form, because this show offends her that much?”
Shivaska: Did you really think fooling me was that easy, Suspire? I knew where you were heading - and I have needed to collect a debt, and eliminate an insult to hardworking scabs, for a while. I’m the Demon Lord of Techbros, and this so-called Shield Hero is…disgusting.
Wanderer: …okay then! So, join us next time, as our newest infernal sporker helps us take down stupid holiness!
Spitefic: The Faith of Submission
“So.” Romuli inhaled. “Beloukas is a Solar Exalt. More than that, he probably modified the Four Legendary Weapons to such a degree that people believe he forged them. And he probably invented the Church’s idea of God in the process.”
“And in all likelihood? That last thing was likely a happy accident for him,” Horizon muttered through his spectacles, studying the mural. “Nothing here suggests that the Crimson Smith was impressing anything apart from his skill as a craftsman - the idea he was divinely inspired by a force that could create heavenly weapons came later.”
“Um, not to insult your culture here, but…you literally live in your own god’s hull,” Chie pointed out. “I…kinda don’t think your idea of faith developed the same way.”
“A fair assessment, but keep in mind the Divine Ministers and their machine spirits are a pantheon in their own right - and sub-pantheons that have to compete for local supremacy, if they are even locally relevant. So this is something I have studied - it helps when looking at the development of Blight-inspired Voidbringers when developing memetic inoculation.” Horizon shrugged amicably. “Very astute, however; you are wrong for the right reasons, my ancestors came to worship Autochthon as the lord of all tools and directly blessing us with inspiration for similar reasons; if you cannot understand something that is, for lack of better terms, a miracle…”
“Yeah, or whatever the term for a bad miracle is,” Anne muttered, darkly. “Knowing how the Core worked, I’m going to take a wild guess and assume he cultivated the Church into something that he could use as his personal puppets while he just remained a slave trader, humble and invisible.”
“More than that,” Yukiko continued, “I would not be surprised if he suggested that Balmus turn on Malty. By which I mean, threaten or pretend to be a message from God, whatever that means to the Three Heroes Church.”
Romuli frowned. “...you know, I was never clear on that. They do speak a lot about God…but it’s in the name. They worship the Weapons more than they do God, so it was kind of weird to attend Balmus’ sermons and suddenly hear about Him a lot.”
Yukiko stepped forward. “Excuse me? I…I think I have a theory after talking to Ilfred.”
The rest of the war council looked around, nodded, and then bid her to continue.
“From what I hear…Balmus wasn’t actually all that popular a priest for a while. Kind of a controversial figure at best, actually,” Yukiko said, reading from her notes. “He made a nuisance of himself by saying that God needed to be directly worshipped to be properly praised…and since God is a numinous being of pure creation, to worship needs proper art, and since art is subjective, you need people who understand art and craftsmanship to create proper forms of worship who understand God.”
It didn’t take Romuli long to guess what was actually being said. “So, basically, you need priests to worship.”
“The fact he didn’t look highly on promoting women over men and outright said slaves were theologically required as the ultimate tools for a true master of crafts didn’t help either, but that’s a reason he didn’t have many male supporters either,” Yukiko said with a shrug. “But then, suddenly, his career had rockets attached after he was assigned to the Reliquary of the Design. He went from lay priest with some discretion kept out of the way to Bishop to Cardinal while Ilfred was talking to him…mostly because he wasn’t able to shut up about his promotions for a month whenever he got one.” She hummed. “I mean…if you’re the inspiration for God, it’s easy to promote a prophet from the shadows…”
“...and even easier than it seems at first glance,” Horizon realized. “There are Charms that give superhuman understanding of social dynamics and force of personality, so all Beloukas would have to do is convince a few key figures, and the rest would follow, if I understand my Solars right. Balmus is a cat’s-paw while Beloukas remains in the background, gathering wealth and materials - glots to dumplings that if Balmus ever got close to killing the Queen, suddenly the Cardinals would ‘uncover the conspiracy’ and he’d end up a corpse long before Naofumi got him. Glots to live rats Beloukas made that replica Weapon himself for ultimate use by the Church, hence why dogmatic essential charge works - sorry, why faith sends mana to it. And that has ‘Voidtech’ all over it, the parasitic sucking of faith is the kind of thing the Blight opens conceptually when making its Artifacts.”
“And this sudden betrayal of his pawn - yeah, I’m gonna bet Beloukas recommended that too. Might as well burn him now if he doesn’t need the Pope any more and make Naofumi, the new model, seem better for a big plan. Real ‘even worse yakuza’ crap,” Chie agreed. “So, what’s the plan?”
“You can start,” a very unwelcome voice began, “by not underestimating the intelligence, or ability to sense dimensional tension, of a several-millennia old Twilight Caste. Along with the fact I recognize the magic of my homeworld, especially the Black Art of necromancy.”
Everyone whipped around to the front of the room, where a short, rotund man with thick glasses and a stovepipe hat was idly examining a small wrench through a fob.
“I admit though, I am very impressed with that siege - I sincerely thought that the Reliquary would have stood against one longer, even given its anemic defense if uncovered - I thought it had enough advanced magic and a defensible enough area to at least stay strong enough for reinforcements to arrive,” Beloukas continued, turning to face them. “And before you ask - I am not really here. This is a projection. A gift from Rabszolga - a light-slave, as it were. But since we are being honest…”
The merchant began to melt - and grow.
The fine clothes became a workman’s smock and shiny jewelry fell off to become the tools of a blacksmith and clockworker, but no less well cared for. Fat rippled and traveled to his arms, stabilizing as muscle, as delicate pale skin turned darkened with soot, tan, and work scars. The mustache shrank into his increasingly chiseled face as short hair sprouted from his scalp, and his hat fell apart into two components-a golden collar around his neck and two silvery and iridescent chains with similarly golden cuffs at the end, that seemed to grasp at the air like living things.
The glasses remained, but they turned transparent, as Beloukas, Crimson Smith of the Stellar order, pushed them up with a finger grown calloused from hard work and brutality, revealing his terrible piercing hazel, almost like a great cat’s. “And while we’re at it - Irin! Music!”
One of the chains suddenly reached into the air and into it, pulling out a figure by the neck that looked like a long-haired youthful man in musician’s clothing - with many fingers on each hand, all of them long. Romuli noticed after a second that his hair also trembled fair more like a shaking limb than if it was merely Irin’s head trembling.
“...A…aye sir-URK!” A slave crest lit up on his chest. “MASTER! I’M SORRY!”
“Good boy.” Beloukas shrugged, as his musician sighed with relief. “You’d think First Circle demons would learn proper forms of address. They are literally made to be serfs if not slaves, after all. A simple purity of purpose that humanity needs to learn if it ever wants to improve.”
Irin gulped, making it clear that even as a demon of the First Circle, there were clear disagreements he had. But he began to play, his long fingers seeming to pluck at something under the air like a harp, releasing a complex minor melody - and with a start, Romuli realized it sounded exactly like the tune he hummed to himself to stop himself going insane when he began to lose hope of ever been freed from this horrible man’s captivity.
“Now that we have anglykae entertainment keeping us all grounded…I think we need to introduce ourselves fully. I am known as Beloukas here, once lost in the Time of Shattered Years - and Savior Through Submission.”
(Author’s Note: Hey, I felt he needed to be a threat. And anglykae are a real thing in Exalted - their hands can “play Time”, literally using it as a string instrument to remind listeners of powerful memories, while their hair is actually animate and is what they actually use for manipulation - and yeah, Irin isn’t that evil, “proud and spiteful” doesn’t mean he deserves this; the lower on the power scale you get, the more likely you’re going to find an Exalted demon who’s more fae than infernal monster (and even the top levels have their virtues), and moreover, the very magic that summons them binds them to being loyal to the spirit of the spell - Beloukas is just a dick, as shown by his alliance to Rabszolga - the literal God of Slavery in Exalted.)
“And in all likelihood? That last thing was likely a happy accident for him,” Horizon muttered through his spectacles, studying the mural. “Nothing here suggests that the Crimson Smith was impressing anything apart from his skill as a craftsman - the idea he was divinely inspired by a force that could create heavenly weapons came later.”
“Um, not to insult your culture here, but…you literally live in your own god’s hull,” Chie pointed out. “I…kinda don’t think your idea of faith developed the same way.”
“A fair assessment, but keep in mind the Divine Ministers and their machine spirits are a pantheon in their own right - and sub-pantheons that have to compete for local supremacy, if they are even locally relevant. So this is something I have studied - it helps when looking at the development of Blight-inspired Voidbringers when developing memetic inoculation.” Horizon shrugged amicably. “Very astute, however; you are wrong for the right reasons, my ancestors came to worship Autochthon as the lord of all tools and directly blessing us with inspiration for similar reasons; if you cannot understand something that is, for lack of better terms, a miracle…”
“Yeah, or whatever the term for a bad miracle is,” Anne muttered, darkly. “Knowing how the Core worked, I’m going to take a wild guess and assume he cultivated the Church into something that he could use as his personal puppets while he just remained a slave trader, humble and invisible.”
“More than that,” Yukiko continued, “I would not be surprised if he suggested that Balmus turn on Malty. By which I mean, threaten or pretend to be a message from God, whatever that means to the Three Heroes Church.”
Romuli frowned. “...you know, I was never clear on that. They do speak a lot about God…but it’s in the name. They worship the Weapons more than they do God, so it was kind of weird to attend Balmus’ sermons and suddenly hear about Him a lot.”
Yukiko stepped forward. “Excuse me? I…I think I have a theory after talking to Ilfred.”
The rest of the war council looked around, nodded, and then bid her to continue.
“From what I hear…Balmus wasn’t actually all that popular a priest for a while. Kind of a controversial figure at best, actually,” Yukiko said, reading from her notes. “He made a nuisance of himself by saying that God needed to be directly worshipped to be properly praised…and since God is a numinous being of pure creation, to worship needs proper art, and since art is subjective, you need people who understand art and craftsmanship to create proper forms of worship who understand God.”
It didn’t take Romuli long to guess what was actually being said. “So, basically, you need priests to worship.”
“The fact he didn’t look highly on promoting women over men and outright said slaves were theologically required as the ultimate tools for a true master of crafts didn’t help either, but that’s a reason he didn’t have many male supporters either,” Yukiko said with a shrug. “But then, suddenly, his career had rockets attached after he was assigned to the Reliquary of the Design. He went from lay priest with some discretion kept out of the way to Bishop to Cardinal while Ilfred was talking to him…mostly because he wasn’t able to shut up about his promotions for a month whenever he got one.” She hummed. “I mean…if you’re the inspiration for God, it’s easy to promote a prophet from the shadows…”
“...and even easier than it seems at first glance,” Horizon realized. “There are Charms that give superhuman understanding of social dynamics and force of personality, so all Beloukas would have to do is convince a few key figures, and the rest would follow, if I understand my Solars right. Balmus is a cat’s-paw while Beloukas remains in the background, gathering wealth and materials - glots to dumplings that if Balmus ever got close to killing the Queen, suddenly the Cardinals would ‘uncover the conspiracy’ and he’d end up a corpse long before Naofumi got him. Glots to live rats Beloukas made that replica Weapon himself for ultimate use by the Church, hence why dogmatic essential charge works - sorry, why faith sends mana to it. And that has ‘Voidtech’ all over it, the parasitic sucking of faith is the kind of thing the Blight opens conceptually when making its Artifacts.”
“And this sudden betrayal of his pawn - yeah, I’m gonna bet Beloukas recommended that too. Might as well burn him now if he doesn’t need the Pope any more and make Naofumi, the new model, seem better for a big plan. Real ‘even worse yakuza’ crap,” Chie agreed. “So, what’s the plan?”
“You can start,” a very unwelcome voice began, “by not underestimating the intelligence, or ability to sense dimensional tension, of a several-millennia old Twilight Caste. Along with the fact I recognize the magic of my homeworld, especially the Black Art of necromancy.”
Everyone whipped around to the front of the room, where a short, rotund man with thick glasses and a stovepipe hat was idly examining a small wrench through a fob.
“I admit though, I am very impressed with that siege - I sincerely thought that the Reliquary would have stood against one longer, even given its anemic defense if uncovered - I thought it had enough advanced magic and a defensible enough area to at least stay strong enough for reinforcements to arrive,” Beloukas continued, turning to face them. “And before you ask - I am not really here. This is a projection. A gift from Rabszolga - a light-slave, as it were. But since we are being honest…”
The merchant began to melt - and grow.
The fine clothes became a workman’s smock and shiny jewelry fell off to become the tools of a blacksmith and clockworker, but no less well cared for. Fat rippled and traveled to his arms, stabilizing as muscle, as delicate pale skin turned darkened with soot, tan, and work scars. The mustache shrank into his increasingly chiseled face as short hair sprouted from his scalp, and his hat fell apart into two components-a golden collar around his neck and two silvery and iridescent chains with similarly golden cuffs at the end, that seemed to grasp at the air like living things.
The glasses remained, but they turned transparent, as Beloukas, Crimson Smith of the Stellar order, pushed them up with a finger grown calloused from hard work and brutality, revealing his terrible piercing hazel, almost like a great cat’s. “And while we’re at it - Irin! Music!”
One of the chains suddenly reached into the air and into it, pulling out a figure by the neck that looked like a long-haired youthful man in musician’s clothing - with many fingers on each hand, all of them long. Romuli noticed after a second that his hair also trembled fair more like a shaking limb than if it was merely Irin’s head trembling.
“...A…aye sir-URK!” A slave crest lit up on his chest. “MASTER! I’M SORRY!”
“Good boy.” Beloukas shrugged, as his musician sighed with relief. “You’d think First Circle demons would learn proper forms of address. They are literally made to be serfs if not slaves, after all. A simple purity of purpose that humanity needs to learn if it ever wants to improve.”
Irin gulped, making it clear that even as a demon of the First Circle, there were clear disagreements he had. But he began to play, his long fingers seeming to pluck at something under the air like a harp, releasing a complex minor melody - and with a start, Romuli realized it sounded exactly like the tune he hummed to himself to stop himself going insane when he began to lose hope of ever been freed from this horrible man’s captivity.
“Now that we have anglykae entertainment keeping us all grounded…I think we need to introduce ourselves fully. I am known as Beloukas here, once lost in the Time of Shattered Years - and Savior Through Submission.”
(Author’s Note: Hey, I felt he needed to be a threat. And anglykae are a real thing in Exalted - their hands can “play Time”, literally using it as a string instrument to remind listeners of powerful memories, while their hair is actually animate and is what they actually use for manipulation - and yeah, Irin isn’t that evil, “proud and spiteful” doesn’t mean he deserves this; the lower on the power scale you get, the more likely you’re going to find an Exalted demon who’s more fae than infernal monster (and even the top levels have their virtues), and moreover, the very magic that summons them binds them to being loyal to the spirit of the spell - Beloukas is just a dick, as shown by his alliance to Rabszolga - the literal God of Slavery in Exalted.)
no subject
Date: 2025-12-24 01:51 am (UTC)Yes, I made this myself. Feel free to use in one of two scenarios-
1. When appropriate
2. Whenever the heck you want
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Date: 2025-12-24 01:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-24 02:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 02:48 am (UTC)> There was a disheveled boy sitting in the alleyway, sobbing into his arms. -1 point per sob.
> "What's wrong? How might I help you?" I said. I was the Benefactor of Eluthertopia, the First Citizen, and the Administrator of its Foundation. Besides, no one should cry in my city.
> The boy looked up at me. His eyes darkened. "You! You're the tyrant (-50 ESAS for slander)! You killed my parents (-50 ESAS for false accusation)! This is all your fault (-50 ESAS for blame) (+10 ESAS for respecting power)!"
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Date: 2026-01-23 02:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-01-23 03:18 pm (UTC)