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leliel_12[Trigger warning: Yesireebob, we got ourselves…not as much slavery apologia, but implications, as well as light gore. The trauma is not so much offensive as head trauma from stupidity.]
[Image heavy by necessity]
[Scripts are from https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415, not sporker original work]
[Link to fork on das_sporking.]
Leliel: Welcome back to the show, where FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT TITLE WAS NOT REFERRING TO YOU THREE! [Ducks talon]
Badb Catha: [Caws angrily] It’s still offensive to bird goddesses in general!
Wanderer: Trust me, after this, you’ll agree with us!
Macha: Kind of a tall ask. I speak Latin better than Google Translate, let alone you, so I know exactly what “Pullo” means.
Nemhain: As amusing as this all is, I think the title’s a pun on “deus ex machina.”
Leliel: THANK YOU. Remember how I said I’d get you three back when a more divine chicken was involved? These are those two episodes - heck, it won’t even be that long. Because…well, we’re about to see this show shit the remaining amount of “dark reel sris isekai dekunstruckshun” right into its pants. In the most hilarious way possible. Hence why our normal sporkers have a break, and the Morrigna return
Wanderer: And how? Well…let’s say the title of this sporking and the episode title will hint it.
Leliel: But to hide the, uh, surprise, we’ll show that only when the show does. Before then, though, we have…Not-Rexie here, who is actually looking pretty dang lame rampaging around.
Catha: Is…Is that thing wearing a masquerade mask? Is it going to the kaiju ball? …even beyond being poorly made 3D, it is just…goofy.
Wanderer: And then, suddenly-jump cut!
Nemhain: …I’m sorry, what? We were in the middle of a fight scene here?!
Macha: Who is this sassy…lost child?
Leliel: To make things easier to script, this is Fitoria, and she’s talking to a filolial that we have…literally never seen before. This is what this franchise thinks is Chekov’s Gun.
{FITORIA} So, you managed to find a candidate to take over as the next queen, huh? {Filolial squawks} Ah. You say she's not far from here? {Squawks} Good. I will go see her.
[Long pause]
Catha: No. This is a troll. You spliced that in there. You can’t be serious. There is no self-respecting author - oh Danu no I just answered my own question didn’t I?
Wanderer: Yep. A character introduced in this episode is the person who saves everyone’s ass without warning or motive that is even hinted at before the fact, and trust me, it’ll get dumber. But, here’s the hint after the title sequence:
[Image heavy by necessity]
[Scripts are from https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewforum.php?f=2415, not sporker original work]
[Link to fork on das_sporking.]
Leliel: Welcome back to the show, where FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT TITLE WAS NOT REFERRING TO YOU THREE! [Ducks talon]
Badb Catha: [Caws angrily] It’s still offensive to bird goddesses in general!
Wanderer: Trust me, after this, you’ll agree with us!
Macha: Kind of a tall ask. I speak Latin better than Google Translate, let alone you, so I know exactly what “Pullo” means.
Nemhain: As amusing as this all is, I think the title’s a pun on “deus ex machina.”
Leliel: THANK YOU. Remember how I said I’d get you three back when a more divine chicken was involved? These are those two episodes - heck, it won’t even be that long. Because…well, we’re about to see this show shit the remaining amount of “dark reel sris isekai dekunstruckshun” right into its pants. In the most hilarious way possible. Hence why our normal sporkers have a break, and the Morrigna return
Wanderer: And how? Well…let’s say the title of this sporking and the episode title will hint it.
Leliel: But to hide the, uh, surprise, we’ll show that only when the show does. Before then, though, we have…Not-Rexie here, who is actually looking pretty dang lame rampaging around.
Catha: Is…Is that thing wearing a masquerade mask? Is it going to the kaiju ball? …even beyond being poorly made 3D, it is just…goofy.
Wanderer: And then, suddenly-jump cut!
Nemhain: …I’m sorry, what? We were in the middle of a fight scene here?!
Macha: Who is this sassy…lost child?
Leliel: To make things easier to script, this is Fitoria, and she’s talking to a filolial that we have…literally never seen before. This is what this franchise thinks is Chekov’s Gun.
{FITORIA} So, you managed to find a candidate to take over as the next queen, huh? {Filolial squawks} Ah. You say she's not far from here? {Squawks} Good. I will go see her.
[Long pause]
Catha: No. This is a troll. You spliced that in there. You can’t be serious. There is no self-respecting author - oh Danu no I just answered my own question didn’t I?
Wanderer: Yep. A character introduced in this episode is the person who saves everyone’s ass without warning or motive that is even hinted at before the fact, and trust me, it’ll get dumber. But, here’s the hint after the title sequence:
Episode 16: Filolial Queen
[Longer pause]
Macha: …Her true form is a chicken. That is going to beat a dinosaur. Because reasons.
Leliel: 85% correct, because as you will see…this show takes the stupid premise and realizes it’s stupid, so it’s going to try and make it cool. Without actually changing the core premise of that at all. And as you may have guessed - this is all so the Horror can be Sue-buffed.
Nemhain: …right. So, before we continue, do you have any-
Wanderer: [Opens up a cupboard]
(https://classbarmag.com/news/fullstory.php/aid/1463/Five_Irish_whiskey_experts_choose_their_five_favourite_expressions.html)
Take your pick.
Catha: You chose. I’ll be samplin’ from all by the end of the first quarter…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 478 (Normally, I’d be saving this for the end of the insanity. Normally, this show does not make me look up Latin translations because it’s the only way to get across how stupid it’s being. So five it is, because NEW CHARACTER INTRODUCED BEFORE THE TITLE TO SAVE ASSES ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.)
Leliel: But, basically, the Rex rampages a bit, Naofumi’s party and Van flee - long story short, Naofumi realizes he needs to lure the dragon-dino out of town pronto, even if Filo is the most enthusiastic about fighting her species’ natural rival - especially when Melty notices a purple glow in her and the Dragon both, leading her to suspect that the Dragon is drawn to Filo specifically:
Wanderer: Van takes the Keel and the surviving demihuman slaves to safety, separating them, but Raphtalia gives Keel her gold bracelet to avoid having to remember to draw her altered design - er, as a keepsake, which I’m not scoring, it’s a nice gesture, as cynical as it is and as much as I hate it being a grooming gift from Naofumi. Not so much this though:
{RAPHTALIA} I gave away the bracelet. Sorry about that.
{NAOFUMI} You're free to do what you want with it. I gave it to you.
Nemhain: Oh how noble, the groomer is permitting his target to indebt another desperate minority to him. Blech.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 660
Macha: So Rapthalia, Naofimi, Filo…and Melty, for whatever internal reason given how she’s literally a pampered civilian (outside, she’s part of the not-a-harem in the real world)-
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 479
-to this lake.
Leliel: And they fight and they fight and they fight and they fight-actually it does a pretty good job of showing the Rex is strong, with it easily overpowering and shattering Naofumi’s Air Shield and shrugging off everyone else’s blows. For once, I’m actually not that upset that Naofumi goes to “considering the Rage Shield,” the only person here who is at threat and isn’t aware of it from it going out of control is Mel, who probably would not mind if it gets rid of the enraged dino-dragon, when suddenly…
[FITORIA] {Telepathically} Don't.
Catha: Uh, why? If the Shield sets your woods on fire, it will be with less intention than the Rex intentionally demolishing it, and it’s near a water supply to put it out.
Wanderer: No, she has to be…distinct. Because soon, a strange fog rolls in, which Mel realizes is a people-trapping magic field…
Macha: …and then the ugliest looking models we have ever seen charge in. You can’t see it when it’s stilled, but these filolials look like claymation.
Nemhain: The discount chocobos with discount polygons surround the Rex and-
[FITORIA] Please, do not resort to that power.
Nemhain: And why not, for reasons stated above (she turned off the Rage Shield grid)? Isn’t this-wait, how do you even know how to do this?!
Leliel: The same place she gets all of her powers and very existence - her cloaca. Speaking of things pulled from ass, I bet you expected Fitoria to be…
Sized proportionately to Filo, huh?
The Morrigna: [Struck dumb, by dumb.]
{MELTY} No way…It's the Filolial Queen!
{FILO} She's so pretty...
The Morrigna: [Stare, then collectively each grab one whiskey bottle each and begin to chug.]
Wanderer: Yep. Behold. Our savior. A literal deus ex machina, or at least dea, because let’s face it, that is effectively what Fitoria is. That is what the solution to a big angry dino is. A giant chicken. That emerged from the lake. And is Godzilla size. Old MacDonald had a kaiju, ee-i-ee-i oh…
Leliel: Ohohoho…it gets dumber. Because…this is the fight between the Tyrant Dragon Rex, blow for blow:
{FITORIA} If you'll hand over the fragment peacefully, I shall spare your life.
Wanderer: Trying to somehow negotiate with the pissed-off dino, and the Dragon Emperor core (oh we'll get to that), it charges, and then to music I’m sure the show thinks is epic with what sounds like a literal wah-wah horn underscoring it…
Catha: [Spits out drink] THAT’S supposed to be IMPRESSIVE with the CHICKEN KICK?!
Leliel: And then…
Macha: …THE MONSTER CHICKEN KNOWS MAGIC?!
Wanderer: Why wouldn’t she? We told you she stores so much up her cloaca! She is huge! This means she has a huge cloaca!
Leliel: And then, she decides she’s bored, and declares “I'm finishing this now.” With, and I am kidding you not…
Macha: …Her true form is a chicken. That is going to beat a dinosaur. Because reasons.
Leliel: 85% correct, because as you will see…this show takes the stupid premise and realizes it’s stupid, so it’s going to try and make it cool. Without actually changing the core premise of that at all. And as you may have guessed - this is all so the Horror can be Sue-buffed.
Nemhain: …right. So, before we continue, do you have any-
Wanderer: [Opens up a cupboard]
(https://classbarmag.com/news/fullstory.php/aid/1463/Five_Irish_whiskey_experts_choose_their_five_favourite_expressions.html)
Take your pick.
Catha: You chose. I’ll be samplin’ from all by the end of the first quarter…
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 478 (Normally, I’d be saving this for the end of the insanity. Normally, this show does not make me look up Latin translations because it’s the only way to get across how stupid it’s being. So five it is, because NEW CHARACTER INTRODUCED BEFORE THE TITLE TO SAVE ASSES ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.)
Leliel: But, basically, the Rex rampages a bit, Naofumi’s party and Van flee - long story short, Naofumi realizes he needs to lure the dragon-dino out of town pronto, even if Filo is the most enthusiastic about fighting her species’ natural rival - especially when Melty notices a purple glow in her and the Dragon both, leading her to suspect that the Dragon is drawn to Filo specifically:
Wanderer: Van takes the Keel and the surviving demihuman slaves to safety, separating them, but Raphtalia gives Keel her gold bracelet to avoid having to remember to draw her altered design - er, as a keepsake, which I’m not scoring, it’s a nice gesture, as cynical as it is and as much as I hate it being a grooming gift from Naofumi. Not so much this though:
{RAPHTALIA} I gave away the bracelet. Sorry about that.
{NAOFUMI} You're free to do what you want with it. I gave it to you.
Nemhain: Oh how noble, the groomer is permitting his target to indebt another desperate minority to him. Blech.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 660
Macha: So Rapthalia, Naofimi, Filo…and Melty, for whatever internal reason given how she’s literally a pampered civilian (outside, she’s part of the not-a-harem in the real world)-
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 479
-to this lake.
Leliel: And they fight and they fight and they fight and they fight-actually it does a pretty good job of showing the Rex is strong, with it easily overpowering and shattering Naofumi’s Air Shield and shrugging off everyone else’s blows. For once, I’m actually not that upset that Naofumi goes to “considering the Rage Shield,” the only person here who is at threat and isn’t aware of it from it going out of control is Mel, who probably would not mind if it gets rid of the enraged dino-dragon, when suddenly…
[FITORIA] {Telepathically} Don't.
Catha: Uh, why? If the Shield sets your woods on fire, it will be with less intention than the Rex intentionally demolishing it, and it’s near a water supply to put it out.
Wanderer: No, she has to be…distinct. Because soon, a strange fog rolls in, which Mel realizes is a people-trapping magic field…
Macha: …and then the ugliest looking models we have ever seen charge in. You can’t see it when it’s stilled, but these filolials look like claymation.
Nemhain: The discount chocobos with discount polygons surround the Rex and-
[FITORIA] Please, do not resort to that power.
Nemhain: And why not, for reasons stated above (she turned off the Rage Shield grid)? Isn’t this-wait, how do you even know how to do this?!
Leliel: The same place she gets all of her powers and very existence - her cloaca. Speaking of things pulled from ass, I bet you expected Fitoria to be…
Sized proportionately to Filo, huh?
The Morrigna: [Struck dumb, by dumb.]
{MELTY} No way…It's the Filolial Queen!
{FILO} She's so pretty...
The Morrigna: [Stare, then collectively each grab one whiskey bottle each and begin to chug.]
Wanderer: Yep. Behold. Our savior. A literal deus ex machina, or at least dea, because let’s face it, that is effectively what Fitoria is. That is what the solution to a big angry dino is. A giant chicken. That emerged from the lake. And is Godzilla size. Old MacDonald had a kaiju, ee-i-ee-i oh…
Leliel: Ohohoho…it gets dumber. Because…this is the fight between the Tyrant Dragon Rex, blow for blow:
{FITORIA} If you'll hand over the fragment peacefully, I shall spare your life.
Wanderer: Trying to somehow negotiate with the pissed-off dino, and the Dragon Emperor core (oh we'll get to that), it charges, and then to music I’m sure the show thinks is epic with what sounds like a literal wah-wah horn underscoring it…
Catha: [Spits out drink] THAT’S supposed to be IMPRESSIVE with the CHICKEN KICK?!
Leliel: And then…
Macha: …THE MONSTER CHICKEN KNOWS MAGIC?!
Wanderer: Why wouldn’t she? We told you she stores so much up her cloaca! She is huge! This means she has a huge cloaca!
Leliel: And then, she decides she’s bored, and declares “I'm finishing this now.” With, and I am kidding you not…
A samurai-inspired single-stroke flash step attack. On a monster. That was too strong. For the heroes of a previous summoning. According to the wiki. To beat.
Nemhain: [We’re sorry, Nemhain.exe has performed an illegal operation and needs to reboot. Please consult the COMP manual for further instructions.]
Wanderer: And then, after all that, and she retrieves the Emperor Core guess what the form she has for communication is? This centuries-old, divine, plot-saving filolial god-kaiju-thingy?
AN ANGEL LOLI. LIKE FILO. IN. A FANCIER. DRESS.
Leliel: And knowing this anime, it’s a miracle she’s clothed. Speaking of bird goddesses, ladies, how are you holding up?
Yeah, been there. So, uh…there’s going to be a mid-duology rant on Fitoria’s existence and what it says is the true agenda of this entire franchise and exactly what kind of statement it wants to really make - and how anyone who tells you it’s smart is desperately lying to themselves to excuse its complete vapidity. Until then…100 points. Just…this.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 579
Catha: [Slowly returning to lucidity] I..buh…the…bird…chicken..huh? I…okay, I just…I’ll save it for the rant. Sisters, we might need to join to…comprehend what the fuck just happened…
Macha: At the very least, speak as one, because…guh. But…moving on, before we lose any more brain cells…
Nemhain: The next is mostly exposition - centuries ago, a great hero raised Fitoria, she became immortal, as well as the Queen of All Filolials - Queen of Queens, presumably - and over the centuries, she became a kaiju due to never stopping her growth. Also during this, there’s a moment where Fitoria seems to accidentally diss Filo, which results in this expression:
This would be fine, except it’s a reminder of her real age. I’m a bit…hateful of this series right now, so…
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 547
Wanderer: Also, to add insult to injury…we discover that in the anime, the deus ex machina is even worse, because as it turns out, Melty knows Fitoria’s human disguise, but this was not mentioned or foreshadowed at all. We’re not kidding:
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Fitoria/Chronology)
Catha: …which means, in other words, that she should have known about Filolial Queens, and been in a deep fear for her life when we met her, because she was attacked by a dragon. I sincerely believe that this is an interesting case where deus ex machina is not actually a Voodoo Shark here, because here, Melty has reason to not be in a state of utter panic and not recognize who Fitoria is, since I’d ken she’d go back to her true form. It’s legitimately less of a plot hole to offhandedly reveal that Melty “was on my way back to the capital after a diplomatic trip.”, like it was in passing
Macha: And there’s still a mess, because…Fitoria and Filo both have wings in human form! She should have guessed something was up! In fact, if this was mentioned, and she figured out this lake was where the Queen of all Filolials, who hates dragons, dwells - instant Chekov’s Gun, killing the deus ex machina! She mentions a legend, leads them towards the lake in desperation, now she has a reason to be there and it comes off like Mel is thinking under pressure rather than the show pulling shit out of the divine cloaca!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 508 (One for the sudden reveal they know each other that had no bearing on anything, another for obvious missed opportunity.)
Leliel: Anyhoo, Fitoria offers to take them to a more safe spot in her own teleport-capable carriage, which is pretty sweet, not gonna lie:
Wanderer: Eh…too fairy-tale cutesy for me, for my tastes. This is the literal cart of a goddess of cart animals, I think it should look a bit more regal. But she also mentions she does not like Naofumi using Dragon parts to feed the Shield, and especially not the Curse series.
[FITORIA] I really don't like the idea of a Cardinal Hero using dragon material.
{NAOFUMI} It's good fodder for the development of my shield.
{FITORIA} Please don't. I sense an ominous aura in your shield.Curse powers may be impressive, but the consequences of using them are dire.
Nemhain: A very good sentiment, especially given how the first time you used it, you gave Raphtalia full-body burns you needed holy water to fix and another time you nearly got possessed by an angry dragon spirit. What’s your response, Mr. Iwatani?
[FITORIA] That won't be the case for much longer.
[NAOFUMI] I appreciate the concern, but I need dragon material and the Rage Shield to survive.
{FITORIA} {sighing} Fine. Do what you must.
Leliel: *Darth Vader Rasp* “No…scheee…I dun hava prahblem…I cahn quit da Dahk Sahde whenevah I wan…you havh a problem…hic…”
Macha: That isn’t how you do the onomotopia for a hiccup, but point. How irresponsible can you get, blowing off the concern of a goddess like that?
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 519
Catha: Moving on, Naofumi absorbs some Rex parts, Fitoria’s filolials take the corpse for later butchery, the carriage takes them to the ruins of a civilization that fell before Fitoria was born, now used as a filolial sanctuary, and recognizing Van, Keel, and the others are probably all right now that the dino is gone, they make camp, with Naofumi eventually prodded into making stew for the entire flock of cart birds. He does so with only moderate annoyance, so no point but - well, their queen did just save your life. Kind of seems like quid pro quo to kiss her talons for a bit, and that includes being her cook.
Though given how said queen was listening, rude. And suicidally dumb. But also, rude.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 520
Nemhain: Ugh, speeding through. Fitoria shows up, reveals she’s interested because the Horror has the potential to be her heir - I feel so sorry for the filolial species already - but she’s disgusted with how the Cardinal Heroes are behaving, and I can’t even blame Naofumi for pointing out the other three started it given how they mocked his class and are still brown-nosing Malty against all reason. She confirms that they’re supposed to protect the entire world, hence the reason for Dragon Hourglasses there to predict the Waves…though given how they’re important to classes, I don’t think that’s their primary use…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 509 (The Waves seem to be a new phenomenon, why are the Hourglasses viewed as warning systems over being a leveling aide for gaining the star we mentioned?)
…and Fitoria’s been taking up the slack. Really, she admits she doesn’t care either way about humans, but the hero who served as her surrogate father asked her to help, so she does. Meanwhile, Itsuki and Ren have finally realized the Three Heroes Church is a generic JRPG corrupt church despite being gamers in their native world and not being the kind of people surprised by this, and they are sneaking into a hidden archive.
Wanderer: Translation: “We, the authors, want you the audience to feel like Naofumi got one over on Ren, so we’ve secretly turned down his intelligence and turned his hate of Naofumi up for this episode.”
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 137
Speaking of punching bags for the audience, they have a secret observer.
Catha: …why do you care, Your Serenity? Are you suddenly an ally of the Church? Is there something about the archive that will make opposing Naofumi a bit less politically viable oh who the hell am I kidding you are literally nothing more than a robot with HATE SHIELD carved into its CPU.
RED MENACE: 83
Macha: Oh, and by the way…we really need a reminder of what a spectacularly terrible and petty person Naofumi is.
[NAOFUMI] You want me to make up with those guys?
[FITORIA] The Cardinal Heroes are supposed to work together. That is absolutely crucial to this world's protection.
{NAOFUMI} Not happening.
{FITORIA} Don't worry, I'm aware of what's happening. Regardless, the heroes must stop fighting each other.
{NAOFUMI} You're kinda obsessing about that.
[FITORIA] Because it is completely unacceptable.
{NAOFUMI} Well it's a lost cause, 'cause they don't wanna play nice with me either.
Catha: …you heard it here, folks. Faced with the revelation the entire world is facing the Waves of Calamity, monster invasions, disasters, and nothing but this poor goddess has been holding it back…Naofumi decides “screw you, I don’t wanna play nice! Nyeh!” Not even in the sense of “I don’t think I can”, it’s “THEY WERE MEEEEEN TO MEEEEEEE!” Oh yeah, it’s almost like there was a rape accusation that seemed plausible with you being a slave owner happening. Feck you, fifty points!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 570
Leliel: Fitoria asks if she’s sure, and when he answers in the affirmative…
[FITORIA] It's been a while, several lifetimes, in fact. I can hardly remember anything. But I do still remember what this means I'll have to do. If the heroes are fighting each other instead of fighting the Waves of Catastrophe...then you leave me no choice.
(https://media1.tenor.com/m/j54rdGVsu_MAAAAC/cute-sad-eyes.gif)
Wanderer: …yeah, we know, too much to hope for. Thankfully, this is the ending, so we’ll wash down the disappointment with our Mid-Duology-
Macha: Hold! [Pulls out a COMP, and hits a few settings]
(megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Mido)
Mido: …but I see you already knew that, given my current clients. The Morrigna! It has been a while…
Nemhain: Yes, yes, nice to see you…Mido? We’re going to need you to fuse all three of us, and then resummon us after she’s done talking, we already budgeted it in advance. We need to speak as one…
Mido: Ah, excellent! Now, if you will forgive the lack of proper video…
Shin Megami Tensei IV - Demon Fusion - YouTube
(https://megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Morrigan)
Morrigan: Ahh…how long has it been since I was Morrigan, the goddess of all war? But…yes. All three of my selves are within me now. Now…may I take the lead?
Leliel: …the floor is yours.
Morrigan: Excellent. Now then…I will get this out of the way and state it bluntly: For a supposed “dark” series, this show may be one of the most outright cowardly pieces of fiction I have ever seen. Because, quite simply, it is living testament to a bit of writing advice - kill your darlings.
(https://alexlaybourne.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/k-is-for-killing-your-darlings-atozchallenge-day-11/)
Morrigan: Now, a quick disclaimer. A “darling” is not necessarily a character. It isn’t even necessarily a discrete entity. It’s something that you came up with in a previous draft in your work - but which does not work in the current draft, but you wish to somehow fit into the new draft because it seemed so good at the time. This is, to put it bluntly, nearly always a bad idea - if you have to rework the story to fit your darling, then your darling no longer fits the story. As a result, it is always going to come off as a slightly alien element at best, twisting the story into a worse form at worst.
Leliel: Lord knows I’ve experienced that. It’s why I’ve given up on set outlines in my fanfic - too many darlings, and I don’t realize they are until it’s too late - killed my first attempts dead.
Morrigan: It’s even more important when the darling is a character moment, buff, or especially a plot development. Stephen King was talking about word cruft there - sentences and plotlines that seem perfect, but in reality just cause the story to meander. Filler without a point, in other words - not even sidequests, just…filler. And entire character arcs, if they have no relevance to the overall plot of the franchise, even as supporting roles, are the very definition of “darling”, especially in a shonen anime that does not have that many episodes to a season. Including, for instance, the existence of a dragon that, hypothetically, literally did nothing due to a deus ex machina that also introduced a character who did nothing.
(https://duiliogf.medium.com/how-to-correctly-use-a-deus-ex-machina-and-not-die-trying-85dd73166784)
Wanderer: Seriously. What did that Tyrant Dragon Rex even do? Step on a minor villain, chase our heroes, get ganked instantly? It introduced the idea of having been made that way by an artifact, but apart from that…nothing? Hell, what’s Fitoria’s contribution? Or Van’s? Rifana’s? Literally anyone we’ve met in the past couple episodes or so that isn’t already a major character? Hell, even Keel’s gender is ambiguous, because their role is that much of a darling, so gotta avoid confusion somehow! I’ll spoil it even clearer: this entire pair of episodes is just setting up a buff for Filo, Fitoria isn’t even that recurring a character! She pretty much falls out of the story until needed to fight kaiju! This entire series is nothing but power-wanking bloat!
Morrigan: And therein lies its biggest flaw - its complete cowardice and unwillingness to take any kind of risk, even ones taken back in the days of Lord of the Rings:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgWltVolH30)
Let’s be honest here - when’s the last time any of you lot noticed Naofumi actually lose, and not have it immediately undone or minimized in some manner? The closest thing was Malty’s frame-up, and, well, he wasn’t exactly thrown in the brig despite rape being a crime worthy of death, now, was he? Because there’s one very big darling at this show’s core - one that, if killed, hurts the egos of a lot of very insecure men who want very badly to believe they would be very lucky and outshine everyone instantly, as opposed to needing to put in the hard work and face failure and hardship. And I know it happens, because Nemhain watched an example that got a very loud hatedom because it refused to coddle the power fantasy audience:
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/ReZero)
Leliel: Re:Zero, pronounced Return-to-Zero, is very much a series that does end with our protagonist, Natsuki Subaru (I’m putting surname first here) in a really good spot, having found lover and security…it’s just that getting there is hell, because it’s a psychological thriller as well, and he has only one special power he hates, because the first “person” who gets a crush on him is Satella, the Witch of Envy, and her time bending ways. Quite simply, every time he dies, she resets time to an important point in his life before then - a “checkpoint”, if you will - with his memory intact. Thing is, she’s also a psychotically jealous magic goddess, as befitting her title, and she starts choking him into silence if he even hints at her influence over his life, including the time reset, and he remembers both dying and the very creepy way Satella feels him up while sending him back in time.
Wanderer: And the first few times he’s faced with an opponent he has to let himself die repeatedly to in order to learn, Subaru…breaks.
That speech? That’s an English translation of a rant he has at a very low moment to Rem, one of his two major love interests - this poor depressed otaku who became an outright shut-in after one bad day at high school sent him into an anxious spiral, reacted like anyone would to being forced into being a hero - he tried, and failed, and then for a long time, he felt like he wasn’t worthy of it, so he started ducking out of it. And a lot of fans of trash isekai hate that, because, well…he’s basically Shinji Ikari of isekai, the one that says “no, fuck you, you would not be a superhero, you’d be a human like anyone else, and you’d probably shatter. And your drooling over elves would probably repulse them until you learned to control your hormones too, perv.” We won’t say he doesn’t start off pretty bad, but here’s the important thing that will make us flatly state that yes, Re:Zero is better than Rising by several orders of magnitude - it is not afraid to hurt its protagonist, and to make it sting.
Morrigan: And here’s the kicker, and a key theme of the series - unlike Shinji, Subaru does have a good support structure. They don’t and can’t know what he’s going through, but they know he’s depressed and fighting his urge to just lay down and die, and so they never give up on him. And that is what causes him to keep pulling himself up. He uses that same power to end up becoming the power fantasy through sheer raw patience and fortitude. Quite the expert dark mage too later on, having learned everything there is to know about despair and the mindset needed to manipulate shadow. And thus, I can earnestly say that Subaru, even in the start of the series, is a more likable protagonist than Naofumi, because while Subaru was entitled, thoughtless, and reckless, he also wasn’t exactly an egomaniac - he really did think he was entitled, but a couple deaths later, he got over himself and he realized on his own that he could and should be able to get off center stage, that this world does not exist to make him feel secure. There is nothing Naofumi hasn’t gotten that wasn’t served on a silver spoon by the author, and that is why he is a Gary Stu - because for everything this story claims he’s “worked for,” there is nothing except cheap popcorn power fantasy claiming to be a “deconstruction.”
Leliel: And really, isn’t that a huge indictment of the word “deconstruction”? Because that is supposed to be “an examination of a common plot element that shows a more cynical or humorous take on it in an interesting way.” What’s this show deconstructing, chosen heroism? Uh, in this very episode, we have the “naive and cold” one and the “aloof” one acting like actual protagonists with a brain all of a sudden, Motoyasu is plenty heroic when he isn’t having pervert hurriedly shoved in so we don’t sympathize with him, and Naofumi is just a snide asshole who is, as intended, a goody-two-shows with money-grubbing side, as written a fairly genetic corrupt exploitative murderhobo that isn’t that different from any other CN asshole at the D&D table. And we’re expected to like it, because He Am Rich, He Manly, He Am Get Slave Ladies. And to do that, it makes sure he never, ever loses in any meaningful way after making sure he's a proper edgelord to be a murderhobo. Thus, the true darling of Rising: the sheer lack of respect for its target demographic, as when faced with a choice between sticking to its guns of showing the downside of being a hero or power fantasy, it chooses power fantasy and then loudly pretends otherwise to make its audience feel SMRT as well as comforted.
Morrigan: In reality, it’s nothing but a long series of insults aimed at everyone who dares like anything that isn’t about raw greed and getting back at people the toxic nerds blame for not being popular, all while indulging in every single toxic fantasy that repulses people from a very toxic kind of nerd indeed, and makes their fiction utterly unreadable. One hundred points for sheer contrivance of everything to make everything easy for the self-insert. Yes, we raised it by 200 overall, because deus ex machina with a god chicken. Fuck this show.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 679
Right then, be seeing you, if you need me, check the Compendium, I will not be paying for my summoning back to this nonsense. Mido? [Phases into the Expanse]
Mido: I would advise you don’t do so for the spork unless you truly need her help. That sounds like a good way to begin Conception just to eradicate this from the world…[Summons the Morrigna]
Catha: [Grumbling] Honestly, the Vortex World sounds nice in comparison…
You may have picked it up, but we Morrigna are Law demons. We are literally creatures of the cosmic principle of equality, peace, and order - at any cost. We personify transcendence from vice and being ruled by emotion, but at the cost of freedom and self-expression. More importantly, if it becomes necessary to destroy a portion of the world to improve the rest, especially in the long-term - we will not hesitate. We will even judge YHVH Himself, in the universes he has become manifestly a threat to peace and security. We will save the world, because that is the only way to save the people in it - Neutral, the “Balanced” alignment of saving the world by saving the people? …That’s almost always a great and powerful delay of the world where Law and Chaos are clashing being destroyed as humans know it. For example, Shin Megami Tensei I? The Neutral Ending there just led to a very bad victory for us when the Tokyo Millennium was built! So yes, the best ending for any world where the war between Law and Chaos has come is of course, Law’s victory, but even better for it to never begin. Thank you for coming to my barding.
Leliel: [Holding up a big CATHA IS A SELF-ADMITTED LAW DEMON PITCHING HER PERSPECTIVE, TAKE WITH GRAIN OF SALT sign] Perspectives of inhuman war goddesses aside…in context, get a load of this bullshit.
(https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/business-commerce-communicating-negotiations-negotiate-negotiated-compromises-cman645_low.jpg)
Wanderer: Seriously - when, oh when, has any of the other three Heroes ever been shown to have been sympathetic in a way that isn’t supportive of Naofumi? Motoyasu had elements of it, which is why he was suddenly retconned to be a sex pest, because he’s the Scary Stu, can’t have that. The closest thing is Ren being a fairly noble person, and he’s still portrayed as a reckless idiot - at least at this point, before suddenly deciding it was totally the villagers’ fault that Ren killed that dragon, so he was a pure little prince. This franchise loathes moral ambiguity, especially of the “good people can be fooled by bad actors” kind, as that might also hit the audience of extremely online otaku it caters to with “oh shit, maybe I shouldn’t believe literally everything I read I on social media from content farms.” Moreover, that also might make people realize that the people who enable Malty might also be her victims…or that she might be a victim herself of a system that forces her to be a schemer, and for “waah, hot cheerleader mean to me”, that’s not something you want to hear.
Leliel: The game’s too new to spoil and the spork’s running long anyway, but it reminds me of some of the more braindead takes on Silent Hill f (which is a really good game and you should play it or at least watch an LP if you can at all tolerate psychological or body horror from a brutally and refreshingly feminist lens, though trigger warning for, well, Silent Hill) - namely, the complete malfunction some randos had to realizing that the game dared to actually explore the psyche of someone who has been raised to be a controlling and abusive spouse, and pointing out that person is just as much a victim as society as the other person, if a bit less of one - it was not the simple “rah rah revenge good yas kween slay” story they wanted it to be. As well as showing that “fleeing back into childhood away from adult abuse” is not a viable solution. Probably will discuss it later, this anime is sexist enough and Hinako has probably dethroned James Sunderland as my favorite SH protagonist for various reasons and has the added benefit of being an actually decent person overall (mostly). But I digress, because when it comes down to it: Naofumi probably would get Hinako’s naginata through his dumb face if they met, because all that “clearing of name” business does not change that HE IS A SLAVER WHICH IS WHAT MALTY SPECIFICALLY EXPLOITED WITH MOTOYASU AND THE SHOW DOES NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THIS.
Macha: Seriously. Five points to each, because it ruined a good moment and moral.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 512 (For the bad plotting leading to a hollow theme.)
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 676 (Because of the actual reason we think the Shield Hero has a continuing bad rep.)
Nemhain: Continuing on, Fitoria casts a spell to “slow the corruption of the Rage Shield”, as if that thing needed more plot justification to be an I Win button. Oh yeah, and as it turns out, the hero who raised Fitoria was a Shielder, and filolials have poor long-term memories…which is what I say is “yet more bullshit”, because that’s never been an issue at all with Filo and Fitoria just seems to not revisit the memory every day. Really, it’s just an excuse to have her lay her head down on Naofumi’s lap and be head-patted, which is such a saccharine-sweet scene that I am sparing all of you from it and just scoring it for the clear attempts to scream “DO YOU GET IT NAOFUMI IS KIND BELIEVE US” at us.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 683 (One for mysteriously poor memories when convenient, one for more Da Sheyld Ed Sekrietly De Awemoest.)
Leliel: We do have a post credits scene though: Ren and Itsuki find a marble tomb where the Four Cardinal Weapons supposedly rest. However, when Ren opens it…
[REN] Hey, what's going on here? It's empty!
[COMPANIONS gasp]
{ITSUKI} {[Notices something’s up with the passage giving light to the room.]} It can't be. Everyone, run! We've gotta--!
Catha: ..you know, it’d be hilarious if the next episode started with Ren, with a “sad cat” expression, going “I knew I should have worked on my Disarm Trap skill.”
Wanderer: Sadly, we’re going to see the writer’s complete lack of a Religion skill next time, as the Church makes its move - its very stupid move, contingent on Motoyasu being max Scary Stu, Naofumi needing to learn absolutely nothing, and maybe the dumbest superweapon this side of Star Wars. See you then!
Nemhain: [We’re sorry, Nemhain.exe has performed an illegal operation and needs to reboot. Please consult the COMP manual for further instructions.]
Wanderer: And then, after all that, and she retrieves the Emperor Core guess what the form she has for communication is? This centuries-old, divine, plot-saving filolial god-kaiju-thingy?
AN ANGEL LOLI. LIKE FILO. IN. A FANCIER. DRESS.
Leliel: And knowing this anime, it’s a miracle she’s clothed. Speaking of bird goddesses, ladies, how are you holding up?
Yeah, been there. So, uh…there’s going to be a mid-duology rant on Fitoria’s existence and what it says is the true agenda of this entire franchise and exactly what kind of statement it wants to really make - and how anyone who tells you it’s smart is desperately lying to themselves to excuse its complete vapidity. Until then…100 points. Just…this.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 579
Catha: [Slowly returning to lucidity] I..buh…the…bird…chicken..huh? I…okay, I just…I’ll save it for the rant. Sisters, we might need to join to…comprehend what the fuck just happened…
Macha: At the very least, speak as one, because…guh. But…moving on, before we lose any more brain cells…
Nemhain: The next is mostly exposition - centuries ago, a great hero raised Fitoria, she became immortal, as well as the Queen of All Filolials - Queen of Queens, presumably - and over the centuries, she became a kaiju due to never stopping her growth. Also during this, there’s a moment where Fitoria seems to accidentally diss Filo, which results in this expression:
This would be fine, except it’s a reminder of her real age. I’m a bit…hateful of this series right now, so…
FBI OPEN THE PORTAL: 547
Wanderer: Also, to add insult to injury…we discover that in the anime, the deus ex machina is even worse, because as it turns out, Melty knows Fitoria’s human disguise, but this was not mentioned or foreshadowed at all. We’re not kidding:
(https://shield-hero.fandom.com/wiki/Fitoria/Chronology)
Catha: …which means, in other words, that she should have known about Filolial Queens, and been in a deep fear for her life when we met her, because she was attacked by a dragon. I sincerely believe that this is an interesting case where deus ex machina is not actually a Voodoo Shark here, because here, Melty has reason to not be in a state of utter panic and not recognize who Fitoria is, since I’d ken she’d go back to her true form. It’s legitimately less of a plot hole to offhandedly reveal that Melty “was on my way back to the capital after a diplomatic trip.”, like it was in passing
Macha: And there’s still a mess, because…Fitoria and Filo both have wings in human form! She should have guessed something was up! In fact, if this was mentioned, and she figured out this lake was where the Queen of all Filolials, who hates dragons, dwells - instant Chekov’s Gun, killing the deus ex machina! She mentions a legend, leads them towards the lake in desperation, now she has a reason to be there and it comes off like Mel is thinking under pressure rather than the show pulling shit out of the divine cloaca!
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 508 (One for the sudden reveal they know each other that had no bearing on anything, another for obvious missed opportunity.)
Leliel: Anyhoo, Fitoria offers to take them to a more safe spot in her own teleport-capable carriage, which is pretty sweet, not gonna lie:
Wanderer: Eh…too fairy-tale cutesy for me, for my tastes. This is the literal cart of a goddess of cart animals, I think it should look a bit more regal. But she also mentions she does not like Naofumi using Dragon parts to feed the Shield, and especially not the Curse series.
[FITORIA] I really don't like the idea of a Cardinal Hero using dragon material.
{NAOFUMI} It's good fodder for the development of my shield.
{FITORIA} Please don't. I sense an ominous aura in your shield.Curse powers may be impressive, but the consequences of using them are dire.
Nemhain: A very good sentiment, especially given how the first time you used it, you gave Raphtalia full-body burns you needed holy water to fix and another time you nearly got possessed by an angry dragon spirit. What’s your response, Mr. Iwatani?
[FITORIA] That won't be the case for much longer.
[NAOFUMI] I appreciate the concern, but I need dragon material and the Rage Shield to survive.
{FITORIA} {sighing} Fine. Do what you must.
Leliel: *Darth Vader Rasp* “No…scheee…I dun hava prahblem…I cahn quit da Dahk Sahde whenevah I wan…you havh a problem…hic…”
Macha: That isn’t how you do the onomotopia for a hiccup, but point. How irresponsible can you get, blowing off the concern of a goddess like that?
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 519
Catha: Moving on, Naofumi absorbs some Rex parts, Fitoria’s filolials take the corpse for later butchery, the carriage takes them to the ruins of a civilization that fell before Fitoria was born, now used as a filolial sanctuary, and recognizing Van, Keel, and the others are probably all right now that the dino is gone, they make camp, with Naofumi eventually prodded into making stew for the entire flock of cart birds. He does so with only moderate annoyance, so no point but - well, their queen did just save your life. Kind of seems like quid pro quo to kiss her talons for a bit, and that includes being her cook.
Though given how said queen was listening, rude. And suicidally dumb. But also, rude.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 520
Nemhain: Ugh, speeding through. Fitoria shows up, reveals she’s interested because the Horror has the potential to be her heir - I feel so sorry for the filolial species already - but she’s disgusted with how the Cardinal Heroes are behaving, and I can’t even blame Naofumi for pointing out the other three started it given how they mocked his class and are still brown-nosing Malty against all reason. She confirms that they’re supposed to protect the entire world, hence the reason for Dragon Hourglasses there to predict the Waves…though given how they’re important to classes, I don’t think that’s their primary use…
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 509 (The Waves seem to be a new phenomenon, why are the Hourglasses viewed as warning systems over being a leveling aide for gaining the star we mentioned?)
…and Fitoria’s been taking up the slack. Really, she admits she doesn’t care either way about humans, but the hero who served as her surrogate father asked her to help, so she does. Meanwhile, Itsuki and Ren have finally realized the Three Heroes Church is a generic JRPG corrupt church despite being gamers in their native world and not being the kind of people surprised by this, and they are sneaking into a hidden archive.
Wanderer: Translation: “We, the authors, want you the audience to feel like Naofumi got one over on Ren, so we’ve secretly turned down his intelligence and turned his hate of Naofumi up for this episode.”
CHOSEN LESS THAN ZEROES: 137
Speaking of punching bags for the audience, they have a secret observer.
Catha: …why do you care, Your Serenity? Are you suddenly an ally of the Church? Is there something about the archive that will make opposing Naofumi a bit less politically viable oh who the hell am I kidding you are literally nothing more than a robot with HATE SHIELD carved into its CPU.
RED MENACE: 83
Macha: Oh, and by the way…we really need a reminder of what a spectacularly terrible and petty person Naofumi is.
[NAOFUMI] You want me to make up with those guys?
[FITORIA] The Cardinal Heroes are supposed to work together. That is absolutely crucial to this world's protection.
{NAOFUMI} Not happening.
{FITORIA} Don't worry, I'm aware of what's happening. Regardless, the heroes must stop fighting each other.
{NAOFUMI} You're kinda obsessing about that.
[FITORIA] Because it is completely unacceptable.
{NAOFUMI} Well it's a lost cause, 'cause they don't wanna play nice with me either.
Catha: …you heard it here, folks. Faced with the revelation the entire world is facing the Waves of Calamity, monster invasions, disasters, and nothing but this poor goddess has been holding it back…Naofumi decides “screw you, I don’t wanna play nice! Nyeh!” Not even in the sense of “I don’t think I can”, it’s “THEY WERE MEEEEEN TO MEEEEEEE!” Oh yeah, it’s almost like there was a rape accusation that seemed plausible with you being a slave owner happening. Feck you, fifty points!
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 570
Leliel: Fitoria asks if she’s sure, and when he answers in the affirmative…
[FITORIA] It's been a while, several lifetimes, in fact. I can hardly remember anything. But I do still remember what this means I'll have to do. If the heroes are fighting each other instead of fighting the Waves of Catastrophe...then you leave me no choice.
(https://media1.tenor.com/m/j54rdGVsu_MAAAAC/cute-sad-eyes.gif)
Wanderer: …yeah, we know, too much to hope for. Thankfully, this is the ending, so we’ll wash down the disappointment with our Mid-Duology-
Macha: Hold! [Pulls out a COMP, and hits a few settings]
(megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Mido)
Mido: …but I see you already knew that, given my current clients. The Morrigna! It has been a while…
Nemhain: Yes, yes, nice to see you…Mido? We’re going to need you to fuse all three of us, and then resummon us after she’s done talking, we already budgeted it in advance. We need to speak as one…
Mido: Ah, excellent! Now, if you will forgive the lack of proper video…
Shin Megami Tensei IV - Demon Fusion - YouTube
(https://megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Morrigan)
Morrigan: Ahh…how long has it been since I was Morrigan, the goddess of all war? But…yes. All three of my selves are within me now. Now…may I take the lead?
Leliel: …the floor is yours.
Morrigan: Excellent. Now then…I will get this out of the way and state it bluntly: For a supposed “dark” series, this show may be one of the most outright cowardly pieces of fiction I have ever seen. Because, quite simply, it is living testament to a bit of writing advice - kill your darlings.
(https://alexlaybourne.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/k-is-for-killing-your-darlings-atozchallenge-day-11/)
Morrigan: Now, a quick disclaimer. A “darling” is not necessarily a character. It isn’t even necessarily a discrete entity. It’s something that you came up with in a previous draft in your work - but which does not work in the current draft, but you wish to somehow fit into the new draft because it seemed so good at the time. This is, to put it bluntly, nearly always a bad idea - if you have to rework the story to fit your darling, then your darling no longer fits the story. As a result, it is always going to come off as a slightly alien element at best, twisting the story into a worse form at worst.
Leliel: Lord knows I’ve experienced that. It’s why I’ve given up on set outlines in my fanfic - too many darlings, and I don’t realize they are until it’s too late - killed my first attempts dead.
Morrigan: It’s even more important when the darling is a character moment, buff, or especially a plot development. Stephen King was talking about word cruft there - sentences and plotlines that seem perfect, but in reality just cause the story to meander. Filler without a point, in other words - not even sidequests, just…filler. And entire character arcs, if they have no relevance to the overall plot of the franchise, even as supporting roles, are the very definition of “darling”, especially in a shonen anime that does not have that many episodes to a season. Including, for instance, the existence of a dragon that, hypothetically, literally did nothing due to a deus ex machina that also introduced a character who did nothing.
(https://duiliogf.medium.com/how-to-correctly-use-a-deus-ex-machina-and-not-die-trying-85dd73166784)
Wanderer: Seriously. What did that Tyrant Dragon Rex even do? Step on a minor villain, chase our heroes, get ganked instantly? It introduced the idea of having been made that way by an artifact, but apart from that…nothing? Hell, what’s Fitoria’s contribution? Or Van’s? Rifana’s? Literally anyone we’ve met in the past couple episodes or so that isn’t already a major character? Hell, even Keel’s gender is ambiguous, because their role is that much of a darling, so gotta avoid confusion somehow! I’ll spoil it even clearer: this entire pair of episodes is just setting up a buff for Filo, Fitoria isn’t even that recurring a character! She pretty much falls out of the story until needed to fight kaiju! This entire series is nothing but power-wanking bloat!
Morrigan: And therein lies its biggest flaw - its complete cowardice and unwillingness to take any kind of risk, even ones taken back in the days of Lord of the Rings:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgWltVolH30)
Let’s be honest here - when’s the last time any of you lot noticed Naofumi actually lose, and not have it immediately undone or minimized in some manner? The closest thing was Malty’s frame-up, and, well, he wasn’t exactly thrown in the brig despite rape being a crime worthy of death, now, was he? Because there’s one very big darling at this show’s core - one that, if killed, hurts the egos of a lot of very insecure men who want very badly to believe they would be very lucky and outshine everyone instantly, as opposed to needing to put in the hard work and face failure and hardship. And I know it happens, because Nemhain watched an example that got a very loud hatedom because it refused to coddle the power fantasy audience:
(https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/ReZero)
Leliel: Re:Zero, pronounced Return-to-Zero, is very much a series that does end with our protagonist, Natsuki Subaru (I’m putting surname first here) in a really good spot, having found lover and security…it’s just that getting there is hell, because it’s a psychological thriller as well, and he has only one special power he hates, because the first “person” who gets a crush on him is Satella, the Witch of Envy, and her time bending ways. Quite simply, every time he dies, she resets time to an important point in his life before then - a “checkpoint”, if you will - with his memory intact. Thing is, she’s also a psychotically jealous magic goddess, as befitting her title, and she starts choking him into silence if he even hints at her influence over his life, including the time reset, and he remembers both dying and the very creepy way Satella feels him up while sending him back in time.
Wanderer: And the first few times he’s faced with an opponent he has to let himself die repeatedly to in order to learn, Subaru…breaks.
That speech? That’s an English translation of a rant he has at a very low moment to Rem, one of his two major love interests - this poor depressed otaku who became an outright shut-in after one bad day at high school sent him into an anxious spiral, reacted like anyone would to being forced into being a hero - he tried, and failed, and then for a long time, he felt like he wasn’t worthy of it, so he started ducking out of it. And a lot of fans of trash isekai hate that, because, well…he’s basically Shinji Ikari of isekai, the one that says “no, fuck you, you would not be a superhero, you’d be a human like anyone else, and you’d probably shatter. And your drooling over elves would probably repulse them until you learned to control your hormones too, perv.” We won’t say he doesn’t start off pretty bad, but here’s the important thing that will make us flatly state that yes, Re:Zero is better than Rising by several orders of magnitude - it is not afraid to hurt its protagonist, and to make it sting.
Morrigan: And here’s the kicker, and a key theme of the series - unlike Shinji, Subaru does have a good support structure. They don’t and can’t know what he’s going through, but they know he’s depressed and fighting his urge to just lay down and die, and so they never give up on him. And that is what causes him to keep pulling himself up. He uses that same power to end up becoming the power fantasy through sheer raw patience and fortitude. Quite the expert dark mage too later on, having learned everything there is to know about despair and the mindset needed to manipulate shadow. And thus, I can earnestly say that Subaru, even in the start of the series, is a more likable protagonist than Naofumi, because while Subaru was entitled, thoughtless, and reckless, he also wasn’t exactly an egomaniac - he really did think he was entitled, but a couple deaths later, he got over himself and he realized on his own that he could and should be able to get off center stage, that this world does not exist to make him feel secure. There is nothing Naofumi hasn’t gotten that wasn’t served on a silver spoon by the author, and that is why he is a Gary Stu - because for everything this story claims he’s “worked for,” there is nothing except cheap popcorn power fantasy claiming to be a “deconstruction.”
Leliel: And really, isn’t that a huge indictment of the word “deconstruction”? Because that is supposed to be “an examination of a common plot element that shows a more cynical or humorous take on it in an interesting way.” What’s this show deconstructing, chosen heroism? Uh, in this very episode, we have the “naive and cold” one and the “aloof” one acting like actual protagonists with a brain all of a sudden, Motoyasu is plenty heroic when he isn’t having pervert hurriedly shoved in so we don’t sympathize with him, and Naofumi is just a snide asshole who is, as intended, a goody-two-shows with money-grubbing side, as written a fairly genetic corrupt exploitative murderhobo that isn’t that different from any other CN asshole at the D&D table. And we’re expected to like it, because He Am Rich, He Manly, He Am Get Slave Ladies. And to do that, it makes sure he never, ever loses in any meaningful way after making sure he's a proper edgelord to be a murderhobo. Thus, the true darling of Rising: the sheer lack of respect for its target demographic, as when faced with a choice between sticking to its guns of showing the downside of being a hero or power fantasy, it chooses power fantasy and then loudly pretends otherwise to make its audience feel SMRT as well as comforted.
Morrigan: In reality, it’s nothing but a long series of insults aimed at everyone who dares like anything that isn’t about raw greed and getting back at people the toxic nerds blame for not being popular, all while indulging in every single toxic fantasy that repulses people from a very toxic kind of nerd indeed, and makes their fiction utterly unreadable. One hundred points for sheer contrivance of everything to make everything easy for the self-insert. Yes, we raised it by 200 overall, because deus ex machina with a god chicken. Fuck this show.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 679
Right then, be seeing you, if you need me, check the Compendium, I will not be paying for my summoning back to this nonsense. Mido? [Phases into the Expanse]
Mido: I would advise you don’t do so for the spork unless you truly need her help. That sounds like a good way to begin Conception just to eradicate this from the world…[Summons the Morrigna]
Catha: [Grumbling] Honestly, the Vortex World sounds nice in comparison…
Episode 17: A Promise Made
Leliel: We open the next day, with the very much alive Naofumi eating with the others and Fitoria-
Other Sporkers: DAMMIT!
Leliel: -before Fitoria takes her as a hostage, and is a bit apologetic about it.
Wanderer: Because, as it turns out…Fitoria really, really doesn’t want to force the issue.
[FITORIA] I need your promise, Shield Hero. Promise me you'll reconcile with the others.
Wanderer: It’s mostly out of her own promise to at least try to make the Cardinal Heroes work together to her own surrogate parent who raised her that the Heroes must work together to stop the Waves, but still, props for trying. Aaaaaand how does the supposed best Cardinal Hero react?
Macha: Given how she just explained that she’s been singlehandedly keeping the Waves from killing other countries herself, that’s a shock. Morons are your kindred, after all.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 571
Nemhain: If this not so long after that first match, then maybe, maybe we’d be a mite less harsh…but by this point, Naofumi only be here because he literally saved a bunch of slaves from a rival. He knows there’s something worth saving, he’s just sucking his thumb because he doesn’t wanna. We don’t care, we’ve worked for Chaos-aligned summoners before! Cry us a river!
Leliel: And…okay, really, I’m trying to speed through this both for the sake of being free for the school semester and because let’s face it, we already spoiled something where this is going, it’s a buff for Filo. Long story short, Fitoria decides to give them “one last chance”, if Filo can beat her one-on-one in human form she’ll hold off on killing the Heroes, a requirement for summoning a new set of them, and hold out hope Naofumi’s party can actually hold out against the Waves. Given how they literally ran like hell from Glass with the Curse Shield on, with all four active, and she is a god-kaiju-chicken who has been soloing them this is bullshit, but okay.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 680
Wanderer: Because it involves some clothing damage of The Horror, thankfully non-explicit but A) we have an abundance of caution and B) we hate her enough to call her the Horror, we’re going to skip most, because it doesn’t matter, but we will draw attention to this:
Catha: I dunno, why would the filolial judge your competence by the filolial? …oh right, your gladiatrix is the center of strategy and the show wants us to think this is normal.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 661
Wanderer: Ohoho, you have no idea. Because, spoiler, this is all supposed to be a “secret test of character” thingy…and this is the beginning of the catalyst that shows Fitoria that Filo has potential:
[FITORIA] Can you tell me what you are fighting for?
[FILO] I would've thought that was obvious. I'm fighting for my master!
{FITORIA} You couldn't beat the dragon last night and you can't beat me now. How do you expect to be of any use to the Shield Hero?
Nemhain: …[Flatly] He encourages her, and she pulls a technique out of her cloaca that saves the day, because he cares for her that much and that focuses her, more or less. And it reminds Fitoria of her own parent, long ago.
Leliel: Gee, however did you guess? Basic pattern recognition and watching an anime before?
Morrigna: [Disgusted noises]
Wanderer: You’ve seen this show before, blah blah blah Filo learns new technique lands a hit on Fitoria she decides enough and resigns everyone’s happy joy joy fuck this show moving on! …Fuck this show to the tune of ten points in a certain category because need we remind you, FILO HAD A SLAVE CREST SINCE BIRTH. FUCK THAT NOISE TOO!
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 671
Leliel: Honestly, there’s a lot we could score too if we thought Fitoria cared about the supposed feminism of this land, given how Filo apparently needed encouragement from a male authority figure…but I’m going to limit it to how basically everything to do with that threat to murder the Cardinal Heroes and attempts to cheat by freeing Melty were basically pointless, there’s no reason Filo couldn’t have earned the buff Fitoria’s about to give her in a way less disruptive filler arc way. Especially given how she was introduced, let’s not forget, in a literal deus ex machina moment that rendered the entire Tyrant Dragon Rex pointless. So in honor of that whole nonsense being even less impactful than Idol Rabier and this whole fight being empty space, two points!
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 10
Catha: So, yes, Fitoria explains it was a test, if Filo didn’t pass she would have killed her, Naofumi, and the other Cardinals (yes, ma’am, please don’t remind us of a good time being passed) and then conjures this crown…
-which then becomes this cowlick, which Filo hates, but as shown by Fitoria’s own admission, it’s there to stay.
Leliel: Fun fact - in Japanese, that kind of cowlick, aka an ahoge, is called “Idiot Hair” on TV Tropes due to the “aho” (“stupid”) pun. Technically it just means “stupid hair”, as in “why won’t this stupid hair get combed down”, but these days it’s often a siginifier of a quirky person or, well, stupid. Needless to say, we think more than one person in this party needs one.
Wanderer: But yes, the Horror is now the Heir to the Filolial Throne now…and she’s not even a year old and is repeatedly shown to be an immature and childish brat who acts her exact age and thinks of slavery as a normal parental guidance. Yeah…this will end well, I’m sure.
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caligula_%28film%29)
Seriously though, how long is season 1 again? 25 episodes? We’re barely past the halfway point of the literal setup for the rest of the show going forward, and Filo’s already heir to the god-queen, with attendant stat boosts. Doesn’t that sound a bit…fast? I mean, picking up powers is nice and all, but I’ve read xianxia novel (summaries) where the protagonist literally jumps universes in strength at a time and ends up creating them to fight rivals of comparable strength and the curve didn’t hit this hard this early.
Macha: But that’s silly! How ever else will we know that Naofumi, by having the best slaves, owns the best STUFF(™)?
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 681
Nemhain: Ugh, speeding through - Fitoria unlocks the entire Filolial Shield line forms of the Shield in advance, though most of them are level-gated, Mel rides on Fitoria’s filolial form, there’s a happy feast montage…wow there’s a lot of montages, innit…and then Naofumi and Fitoria talk a bit, where she reveals she…hasn’t actually dropped the issue about him being stubborn to the other heroes, which automatically raises her a few rungs on the likability meter to me.
Leliel: As Naofumi realizes here, he never really tried, just assuming the worst. And to be honest, I get it. Especially with Aultcray and his court backing up Malty, there was no way to win in the immediate aftermath, but he really didn’t do himself any favors by just…bundling up. Leaving aside even the (REALLY ENORMOUS ISSUE OF) indulging in slavery, he did absolutely nothing to look for proof to clear his name, and that let Malty’s version of events fester. He’s very much the kind of person who digs a deeper hole for himself.
Wanderer: Really, this entire conversation, devoid of that context, is great. There’s actually a line it takes that Fitoria underscores that she is still not helping and still planning to kill the Cardinal Heroes if they refuse to work together, because as she puts it, “Are you fighting for the world, or for the people who inhabit it?” Basically, “Are you willing to choose guaranteed survival of the world over the welfare of the people in it, because the former is easier to do?” As we’ve seen, a good way to tell the moral character of someone in this world, at least ostensibly, is consideration of the people their actions affect.
Catha: And there’s honestly a case to be made for the world. If you’ll let me put on some fitting music for a second…
Other Sporkers: DAMMIT!
Leliel: -before Fitoria takes her as a hostage, and is a bit apologetic about it.
Wanderer: Because, as it turns out…Fitoria really, really doesn’t want to force the issue.
[FITORIA] I need your promise, Shield Hero. Promise me you'll reconcile with the others.
Wanderer: It’s mostly out of her own promise to at least try to make the Cardinal Heroes work together to her own surrogate parent who raised her that the Heroes must work together to stop the Waves, but still, props for trying. Aaaaaand how does the supposed best Cardinal Hero react?
Macha: Given how she just explained that she’s been singlehandedly keeping the Waves from killing other countries herself, that’s a shock. Morons are your kindred, after all.
I HATE YOU SHIELD GUY: 571
Nemhain: If this not so long after that first match, then maybe, maybe we’d be a mite less harsh…but by this point, Naofumi only be here because he literally saved a bunch of slaves from a rival. He knows there’s something worth saving, he’s just sucking his thumb because he doesn’t wanna. We don’t care, we’ve worked for Chaos-aligned summoners before! Cry us a river!
Leliel: And…okay, really, I’m trying to speed through this both for the sake of being free for the school semester and because let’s face it, we already spoiled something where this is going, it’s a buff for Filo. Long story short, Fitoria decides to give them “one last chance”, if Filo can beat her one-on-one in human form she’ll hold off on killing the Heroes, a requirement for summoning a new set of them, and hold out hope Naofumi’s party can actually hold out against the Waves. Given how they literally ran like hell from Glass with the Curse Shield on, with all four active, and she is a god-kaiju-chicken who has been soloing them this is bullshit, but okay.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 680
Wanderer: Because it involves some clothing damage of The Horror, thankfully non-explicit but A) we have an abundance of caution and B) we hate her enough to call her the Horror, we’re going to skip most, because it doesn’t matter, but we will draw attention to this:
Catha: I dunno, why would the filolial judge your competence by the filolial? …oh right, your gladiatrix is the center of strategy and the show wants us to think this is normal.
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 661
Wanderer: Ohoho, you have no idea. Because, spoiler, this is all supposed to be a “secret test of character” thingy…and this is the beginning of the catalyst that shows Fitoria that Filo has potential:
[FITORIA] Can you tell me what you are fighting for?
[FILO] I would've thought that was obvious. I'm fighting for my master!
{FITORIA} You couldn't beat the dragon last night and you can't beat me now. How do you expect to be of any use to the Shield Hero?
Nemhain: …[Flatly] He encourages her, and she pulls a technique out of her cloaca that saves the day, because he cares for her that much and that focuses her, more or less. And it reminds Fitoria of her own parent, long ago.
Leliel: Gee, however did you guess? Basic pattern recognition and watching an anime before?
Morrigna: [Disgusted noises]
Wanderer: You’ve seen this show before, blah blah blah Filo learns new technique lands a hit on Fitoria she decides enough and resigns everyone’s happy joy joy fuck this show moving on! …Fuck this show to the tune of ten points in a certain category because need we remind you, FILO HAD A SLAVE CREST SINCE BIRTH. FUCK THAT NOISE TOO!
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 671
Leliel: Honestly, there’s a lot we could score too if we thought Fitoria cared about the supposed feminism of this land, given how Filo apparently needed encouragement from a male authority figure…but I’m going to limit it to how basically everything to do with that threat to murder the Cardinal Heroes and attempts to cheat by freeing Melty were basically pointless, there’s no reason Filo couldn’t have earned the buff Fitoria’s about to give her in a way less disruptive filler arc way. Especially given how she was introduced, let’s not forget, in a literal deus ex machina moment that rendered the entire Tyrant Dragon Rex pointless. So in honor of that whole nonsense being even less impactful than Idol Rabier and this whole fight being empty space, two points!
OTHER WORLDS’ WORTH OF FILLER: 10
Catha: So, yes, Fitoria explains it was a test, if Filo didn’t pass she would have killed her, Naofumi, and the other Cardinals (yes, ma’am, please don’t remind us of a good time being passed) and then conjures this crown…
-which then becomes this cowlick, which Filo hates, but as shown by Fitoria’s own admission, it’s there to stay.
Leliel: Fun fact - in Japanese, that kind of cowlick, aka an ahoge, is called “Idiot Hair” on TV Tropes due to the “aho” (“stupid”) pun. Technically it just means “stupid hair”, as in “why won’t this stupid hair get combed down”, but these days it’s often a siginifier of a quirky person or, well, stupid. Needless to say, we think more than one person in this party needs one.
Wanderer: But yes, the Horror is now the Heir to the Filolial Throne now…and she’s not even a year old and is repeatedly shown to be an immature and childish brat who acts her exact age and thinks of slavery as a normal parental guidance. Yeah…this will end well, I’m sure.
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caligula_%28film%29)
Seriously though, how long is season 1 again? 25 episodes? We’re barely past the halfway point of the literal setup for the rest of the show going forward, and Filo’s already heir to the god-queen, with attendant stat boosts. Doesn’t that sound a bit…fast? I mean, picking up powers is nice and all, but I’ve read xianxia novel (summaries) where the protagonist literally jumps universes in strength at a time and ends up creating them to fight rivals of comparable strength and the curve didn’t hit this hard this early.
Macha: But that’s silly! How ever else will we know that Naofumi, by having the best slaves, owns the best STUFF(™)?
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 681
Nemhain: Ugh, speeding through - Fitoria unlocks the entire Filolial Shield line forms of the Shield in advance, though most of them are level-gated, Mel rides on Fitoria’s filolial form, there’s a happy feast montage…wow there’s a lot of montages, innit…and then Naofumi and Fitoria talk a bit, where she reveals she…hasn’t actually dropped the issue about him being stubborn to the other heroes, which automatically raises her a few rungs on the likability meter to me.
Leliel: As Naofumi realizes here, he never really tried, just assuming the worst. And to be honest, I get it. Especially with Aultcray and his court backing up Malty, there was no way to win in the immediate aftermath, but he really didn’t do himself any favors by just…bundling up. Leaving aside even the (REALLY ENORMOUS ISSUE OF) indulging in slavery, he did absolutely nothing to look for proof to clear his name, and that let Malty’s version of events fester. He’s very much the kind of person who digs a deeper hole for himself.
Wanderer: Really, this entire conversation, devoid of that context, is great. There’s actually a line it takes that Fitoria underscores that she is still not helping and still planning to kill the Cardinal Heroes if they refuse to work together, because as she puts it, “Are you fighting for the world, or for the people who inhabit it?” Basically, “Are you willing to choose guaranteed survival of the world over the welfare of the people in it, because the former is easier to do?” As we’ve seen, a good way to tell the moral character of someone in this world, at least ostensibly, is consideration of the people their actions affect.
Catha: And there’s honestly a case to be made for the world. If you’ll let me put on some fitting music for a second…
You may have picked it up, but we Morrigna are Law demons. We are literally creatures of the cosmic principle of equality, peace, and order - at any cost. We personify transcendence from vice and being ruled by emotion, but at the cost of freedom and self-expression. More importantly, if it becomes necessary to destroy a portion of the world to improve the rest, especially in the long-term - we will not hesitate. We will even judge YHVH Himself, in the universes he has become manifestly a threat to peace and security. We will save the world, because that is the only way to save the people in it - Neutral, the “Balanced” alignment of saving the world by saving the people? …That’s almost always a great and powerful delay of the world where Law and Chaos are clashing being destroyed as humans know it. For example, Shin Megami Tensei I? The Neutral Ending there just led to a very bad victory for us when the Tokyo Millennium was built! So yes, the best ending for any world where the war between Law and Chaos has come is of course, Law’s victory, but even better for it to never begin. Thank you for coming to my barding.
Leliel: [Holding up a big CATHA IS A SELF-ADMITTED LAW DEMON PITCHING HER PERSPECTIVE, TAKE WITH GRAIN OF SALT sign] Perspectives of inhuman war goddesses aside…in context, get a load of this bullshit.
(https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/business-commerce-communicating-negotiations-negotiate-negotiated-compromises-cman645_low.jpg)
Wanderer: Seriously - when, oh when, has any of the other three Heroes ever been shown to have been sympathetic in a way that isn’t supportive of Naofumi? Motoyasu had elements of it, which is why he was suddenly retconned to be a sex pest, because he’s the Scary Stu, can’t have that. The closest thing is Ren being a fairly noble person, and he’s still portrayed as a reckless idiot - at least at this point, before suddenly deciding it was totally the villagers’ fault that Ren killed that dragon, so he was a pure little prince. This franchise loathes moral ambiguity, especially of the “good people can be fooled by bad actors” kind, as that might also hit the audience of extremely online otaku it caters to with “oh shit, maybe I shouldn’t believe literally everything I read I on social media from content farms.” Moreover, that also might make people realize that the people who enable Malty might also be her victims…or that she might be a victim herself of a system that forces her to be a schemer, and for “waah, hot cheerleader mean to me”, that’s not something you want to hear.
Leliel: The game’s too new to spoil and the spork’s running long anyway, but it reminds me of some of the more braindead takes on Silent Hill f (which is a really good game and you should play it or at least watch an LP if you can at all tolerate psychological or body horror from a brutally and refreshingly feminist lens, though trigger warning for, well, Silent Hill) - namely, the complete malfunction some randos had to realizing that the game dared to actually explore the psyche of someone who has been raised to be a controlling and abusive spouse, and pointing out that person is just as much a victim as society as the other person, if a bit less of one - it was not the simple “rah rah revenge good yas kween slay” story they wanted it to be. As well as showing that “fleeing back into childhood away from adult abuse” is not a viable solution. Probably will discuss it later, this anime is sexist enough and Hinako has probably dethroned James Sunderland as my favorite SH protagonist for various reasons and has the added benefit of being an actually decent person overall (mostly). But I digress, because when it comes down to it: Naofumi probably would get Hinako’s naginata through his dumb face if they met, because all that “clearing of name” business does not change that HE IS A SLAVER WHICH IS WHAT MALTY SPECIFICALLY EXPLOITED WITH MOTOYASU AND THE SHOW DOES NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THIS.
Macha: Seriously. Five points to each, because it ruined a good moment and moral.
WORLDBUILDING OF CARDBOARD: 512 (For the bad plotting leading to a hollow theme.)
PROPERTY OF COP-OUT: 676 (Because of the actual reason we think the Shield Hero has a continuing bad rep.)
Nemhain: Continuing on, Fitoria casts a spell to “slow the corruption of the Rage Shield”, as if that thing needed more plot justification to be an I Win button. Oh yeah, and as it turns out, the hero who raised Fitoria was a Shielder, and filolials have poor long-term memories…which is what I say is “yet more bullshit”, because that’s never been an issue at all with Filo and Fitoria just seems to not revisit the memory every day. Really, it’s just an excuse to have her lay her head down on Naofumi’s lap and be head-patted, which is such a saccharine-sweet scene that I am sparing all of you from it and just scoring it for the clear attempts to scream “DO YOU GET IT NAOFUMI IS KIND BELIEVE US” at us.
RISING OF THE CONTRIVANCE LEVELS: 683 (One for mysteriously poor memories when convenient, one for more Da Sheyld Ed Sekrietly De Awemoest.)
Leliel: We do have a post credits scene though: Ren and Itsuki find a marble tomb where the Four Cardinal Weapons supposedly rest. However, when Ren opens it…
[REN] Hey, what's going on here? It's empty!
[COMPANIONS gasp]
{ITSUKI} {[Notices something’s up with the passage giving light to the room.]} It can't be. Everyone, run! We've gotta--!
Catha: ..you know, it’d be hilarious if the next episode started with Ren, with a “sad cat” expression, going “I knew I should have worked on my Disarm Trap skill.”
Wanderer: Sadly, we’re going to see the writer’s complete lack of a Religion skill next time, as the Church makes its move - its very stupid move, contingent on Motoyasu being max Scary Stu, Naofumi needing to learn absolutely nothing, and maybe the dumbest superweapon this side of Star Wars. See you then!
Spitefic: What Gods Fear
The Reliquary of the Design had been one of the most secure and clandestine sites in the entire history of the Church of the Three Heroes. From its very founding, it was said to be a place where the Crimson Smith of the Stellar Order, the warrior-saint that had forged the Legendary Weapons to begin with, had stashed his designs, and so the Church had turned it into a vault that kept away their most sacred - and dangerous - mysteries from all but the most trusted and secured. None but the cardinals, the Pope, elite guarding Weapon Templars, and Lillito, the Filolial Queen that guarded it, officially knew of its location - even the staff were fed potions that confused their sense of direction while they were being led to it before being cloistered from the world, and its food source was maintained by enslaved serfs. Absolutely no expense was spared to hide its location.
It took Iana four days and two all-nighters of summoning ghosts to find one of said serfs to figure out where it was, because the existence of the Reliquary itself was not a well-hidden secret, precisely because of the insane security measures. The sheer amount of ceremony and formality that surrounded a reassignment to the place, especially the memory potions. From there, the execution of slaves that tried to escape on said caravans or who died was a logical next step, and then asking Luz to contact her girlfriend for a list of likely ingredients for location-confusing potions. Then, summon ghosts associated with sellers, cross-reference customers who were Weapon Templars and shady Church sorts, as well as names of demihumans who were known to be murdered and ended up in the Underworld who knew them and…
When the exhausted necromancer emerged from her chambers, the bags under her eyes somehow made her manic grin even more terrifying. “Did you know the Reliquary is on a seaside locale? Makes it easier to catch fish and to keep a lookout, as well as evacuate. They aren’t expecting a sea assault.”
Suspire, naturally, was all for a full-scale undead sea raid, but that’s when Amity, who had been brought in to help show examples to Iana, intervened. “As…hilariously terrifying as sea monsters and ghost pirates are, that risks destroying too much. More likely they just torch the place and run, and we just hurt the serfs. Not unless we already have some forces in. Thankfully…did Luz tell you about what my specialty track was in Hexside? And that a lot of those ingredients happen to look like inactive abominations?”
Which was how Romuli, much to his embarrassment, spent some time in chains again as the “slave porter” to an even more embarrassed Yukiko and Chie, as merchant princesses, haggling “dumbly” in place of their “master” for bulk of ingredients - so he could get a could look at the equipment of the Weapon Templars, tag them with his Hunting Magic, and also memorize the scent of the dormant muck-like abominations in the jars - one of which activated each night of that caravan’s journey and left a distinct scent trail of animate purple mud, a route by land as well as by sea.
It is often said that battles are won during preparation - and apart from rumors of strange noises and anomalies in storage as abominations, and later ghosts, Persona users, one werewolf adventurer, one Abyssal, and one Lunar sabotaged defenses and scouted potential invasion routes, the Reliquary had no idea it was even being eyed up. They may have, if they heard about the humans who showed up with food and medicine for sick serfs and promise of more if they just stayed out of the way of the undead legion and muck monsters that were coming. But then, there wouldn’t be enough of them to convince the entire serf population to stand aside despite an entire life spent as closely guarded slaves otherwise if they cared about the serfs enough to hear.
Thus, about the only thing that went even somewhat awry was that some of the visiting cardinals were experienced mages, and Anne underestimated how strong the tranquilizers in Lilito’s food needed to be…very slightly, as she deliberately overdosed a bit to nonfatal levels just in case. Thus, Suspire actually had a fair fight on his hands with one Bishopess Zagovora, sometimes known as the Queen of Pentacles due to her mastery of spell-cards, while Chie, Yukiko, Amity, and Luz had their hands full with the Templars and other priests, and Romuli was busy with his own duel with a massive filolial who, while not nearly as graceful as she should have been, was lucid enough to be aware of her drunken state and to rely on destructive magics and her opponent’s better nature by threatening the serfs with them and forcing him to tank them.
But the thing was, the Reliquary’s defenders also didn’t have three things on their side.
The first, cliche as it was, was the power of friendship - the surprise attack had inflamed the hidden vein of paranoia that was beating deep within the Templars, and they had relied overmuch on secrecy over formal defenses. Thus, they did not know how to coordinate with each other as well as the attacking forces, who regularly traded off and healed like a well-oiled machine born even of professional trust.
The second was the aforementioned preparation, as unforeseen events occurring had been planned for - the moment it became clear that the Reliquary had more magical support and a semi-functional ace in the hole, Iana called in a favor from the nephwracks she had been saving, and coordinated with Grand Dirge and his ghastly coven to conjure another great work of necromancy to pollute the local living Essence with deathly countermeasures, salting the earth of mana temporarily - something possible due to the summoning circles and deals she had already made as a just-in-case situation, and prepared portals to the Underworld.
Third was - well, all of that didn’t counter the zombie army by land, the abominations within the walls, and the ghostly fleet by sea, the last only avoiding unleashing their full artillery to avoid accidentally destroying the books within too badly, but still with enough precision to reign down hell if troops were led out into the open - the navy of the Reliquary being sunk did not go wrong.
So when Lilito was tricked into a largely empty area in full view of the Jackdaw’s cannons, leaving everyone to be amazed at the endurance of how the Queen was still breathing after that barrage, the Templars saw that the writing was on the wall and surrendered, leaving the entire privateer fleet to stream in and ransack the place for treasure (even as undead, there was still plenty of living relatives that appreciated it - plus, the dead still had the passion of “shiny thing get”), while their leaders started a more careful tearing through of the archives.
Which…turned out to have more than just books. A lot more.
“...you…you are not the abbot…?”, the pale wisp of a translucent warrior said, his handsome face the one thing recognizable as fully human. The rest was seemingly grown into armor - in particular a great shield, chained to the wall.
“...No. No we aren’t,” Luz said, shocked. “...has he been keeping you here? …how long?”
“Can’t…can’t remember. Memory…too long. Has to be….centuries. At least. What…what year is it? Is…is Fitoria alive…?”
“Fitoria…” Romuli blinked. “Like, Queen of All Filolials, Fitoria?”
“She…she still is?” He laughed. “Always ambitious, that one. Always stubborn…I raised her. Once…once I was the Bulwark Who Rode. I was Ilfred, then…now I am a wall…now I exist to advise the Church on how to summon and control the Weapons if need be. I am the Keeper of the Rites, now. No more…”
“...I get it.” Anne grimaced. “You’re their forced oracle on how to use the Legendary Weapons. Well, I guess we always were here to get information - guess it’s a rescue, too. We’re here to make sure nobody in this kingdom has to suffer because of their misuse.”
“And what of my daughter - what of my Fitoria?”, Ilfred said, bitterly. “If she lives…then that awful woman has use for her. Mirellia…you found a use, you liar.”
Somehow, that was not altogether shocking. “The Queen’s using her?”, Luz asked. “...she doesn’t have blackmail, does she?”
“Not anything so untoward, our little princess, no. She is all smiles until she senses someone has seen her true face - Malty is far closer to her in truth, she just never learned to mask. She threatened me to control her, but…” Ilfred clanked his chains. “I asked her what more she could do to increase my pain, and that she would rather die than serve the selfish whim of a human, not after what we saw of humans. But I see she found some honey, I suppose, the ‘safety of the world’ - my daughter is kind and learned, but she is not wise if she believes it at stake.”
“Jeez.” Anne came up. “Well, let’s get you down from there. We know a necromancer, maybe she can help you move again-”
“Wait!” Ilfred forced his part-iron hand out to point at a mural behind him. “I sense the mark of a removed slave-crest on you. One of…his. There is something…you must know…”
Romuli looked…
And saw the Crimson Smith of the Stellar Order, in all his masked handsomeness and four arms, forging the Legendary Weapons.
Except that unlike most depictions, there was a solar disk on his brow, and where the last arm held his hammer instead of the other three, there was a puppet.
A very familiar puppet, because it bore a distinct resemblance to a man who Romuli hated more than anything else in the world.
“...Beloukas?”, he said, quietly.
“That is not how his name is supposed to be said. Not what his parents spoke when they named him,” Ilfred said. “But it is in pictograms as the Smith, so I use Beloukas as well.”
(A/N: Note to none-Exalted fans - pictograms are how you write in Old Realm, basically Primordial-ese and the first language in Creation, because Beloukas is a First Age Solar Exalted - Beloukas is the Melromarc-ese translation of his name, to be explicit.)
The Reliquary of the Design had been one of the most secure and clandestine sites in the entire history of the Church of the Three Heroes. From its very founding, it was said to be a place where the Crimson Smith of the Stellar Order, the warrior-saint that had forged the Legendary Weapons to begin with, had stashed his designs, and so the Church had turned it into a vault that kept away their most sacred - and dangerous - mysteries from all but the most trusted and secured. None but the cardinals, the Pope, elite guarding Weapon Templars, and Lillito, the Filolial Queen that guarded it, officially knew of its location - even the staff were fed potions that confused their sense of direction while they were being led to it before being cloistered from the world, and its food source was maintained by enslaved serfs. Absolutely no expense was spared to hide its location.
It took Iana four days and two all-nighters of summoning ghosts to find one of said serfs to figure out where it was, because the existence of the Reliquary itself was not a well-hidden secret, precisely because of the insane security measures. The sheer amount of ceremony and formality that surrounded a reassignment to the place, especially the memory potions. From there, the execution of slaves that tried to escape on said caravans or who died was a logical next step, and then asking Luz to contact her girlfriend for a list of likely ingredients for location-confusing potions. Then, summon ghosts associated with sellers, cross-reference customers who were Weapon Templars and shady Church sorts, as well as names of demihumans who were known to be murdered and ended up in the Underworld who knew them and…
When the exhausted necromancer emerged from her chambers, the bags under her eyes somehow made her manic grin even more terrifying. “Did you know the Reliquary is on a seaside locale? Makes it easier to catch fish and to keep a lookout, as well as evacuate. They aren’t expecting a sea assault.”
Suspire, naturally, was all for a full-scale undead sea raid, but that’s when Amity, who had been brought in to help show examples to Iana, intervened. “As…hilariously terrifying as sea monsters and ghost pirates are, that risks destroying too much. More likely they just torch the place and run, and we just hurt the serfs. Not unless we already have some forces in. Thankfully…did Luz tell you about what my specialty track was in Hexside? And that a lot of those ingredients happen to look like inactive abominations?”
Which was how Romuli, much to his embarrassment, spent some time in chains again as the “slave porter” to an even more embarrassed Yukiko and Chie, as merchant princesses, haggling “dumbly” in place of their “master” for bulk of ingredients - so he could get a could look at the equipment of the Weapon Templars, tag them with his Hunting Magic, and also memorize the scent of the dormant muck-like abominations in the jars - one of which activated each night of that caravan’s journey and left a distinct scent trail of animate purple mud, a route by land as well as by sea.
It is often said that battles are won during preparation - and apart from rumors of strange noises and anomalies in storage as abominations, and later ghosts, Persona users, one werewolf adventurer, one Abyssal, and one Lunar sabotaged defenses and scouted potential invasion routes, the Reliquary had no idea it was even being eyed up. They may have, if they heard about the humans who showed up with food and medicine for sick serfs and promise of more if they just stayed out of the way of the undead legion and muck monsters that were coming. But then, there wouldn’t be enough of them to convince the entire serf population to stand aside despite an entire life spent as closely guarded slaves otherwise if they cared about the serfs enough to hear.
Thus, about the only thing that went even somewhat awry was that some of the visiting cardinals were experienced mages, and Anne underestimated how strong the tranquilizers in Lilito’s food needed to be…very slightly, as she deliberately overdosed a bit to nonfatal levels just in case. Thus, Suspire actually had a fair fight on his hands with one Bishopess Zagovora, sometimes known as the Queen of Pentacles due to her mastery of spell-cards, while Chie, Yukiko, Amity, and Luz had their hands full with the Templars and other priests, and Romuli was busy with his own duel with a massive filolial who, while not nearly as graceful as she should have been, was lucid enough to be aware of her drunken state and to rely on destructive magics and her opponent’s better nature by threatening the serfs with them and forcing him to tank them.
But the thing was, the Reliquary’s defenders also didn’t have three things on their side.
The first, cliche as it was, was the power of friendship - the surprise attack had inflamed the hidden vein of paranoia that was beating deep within the Templars, and they had relied overmuch on secrecy over formal defenses. Thus, they did not know how to coordinate with each other as well as the attacking forces, who regularly traded off and healed like a well-oiled machine born even of professional trust.
The second was the aforementioned preparation, as unforeseen events occurring had been planned for - the moment it became clear that the Reliquary had more magical support and a semi-functional ace in the hole, Iana called in a favor from the nephwracks she had been saving, and coordinated with Grand Dirge and his ghastly coven to conjure another great work of necromancy to pollute the local living Essence with deathly countermeasures, salting the earth of mana temporarily - something possible due to the summoning circles and deals she had already made as a just-in-case situation, and prepared portals to the Underworld.
Third was - well, all of that didn’t counter the zombie army by land, the abominations within the walls, and the ghostly fleet by sea, the last only avoiding unleashing their full artillery to avoid accidentally destroying the books within too badly, but still with enough precision to reign down hell if troops were led out into the open - the navy of the Reliquary being sunk did not go wrong.
So when Lilito was tricked into a largely empty area in full view of the Jackdaw’s cannons, leaving everyone to be amazed at the endurance of how the Queen was still breathing after that barrage, the Templars saw that the writing was on the wall and surrendered, leaving the entire privateer fleet to stream in and ransack the place for treasure (even as undead, there was still plenty of living relatives that appreciated it - plus, the dead still had the passion of “shiny thing get”), while their leaders started a more careful tearing through of the archives.
Which…turned out to have more than just books. A lot more.
“...you…you are not the abbot…?”, the pale wisp of a translucent warrior said, his handsome face the one thing recognizable as fully human. The rest was seemingly grown into armor - in particular a great shield, chained to the wall.
“...No. No we aren’t,” Luz said, shocked. “...has he been keeping you here? …how long?”
“Can’t…can’t remember. Memory…too long. Has to be….centuries. At least. What…what year is it? Is…is Fitoria alive…?”
“Fitoria…” Romuli blinked. “Like, Queen of All Filolials, Fitoria?”
“She…she still is?” He laughed. “Always ambitious, that one. Always stubborn…I raised her. Once…once I was the Bulwark Who Rode. I was Ilfred, then…now I am a wall…now I exist to advise the Church on how to summon and control the Weapons if need be. I am the Keeper of the Rites, now. No more…”
“...I get it.” Anne grimaced. “You’re their forced oracle on how to use the Legendary Weapons. Well, I guess we always were here to get information - guess it’s a rescue, too. We’re here to make sure nobody in this kingdom has to suffer because of their misuse.”
“And what of my daughter - what of my Fitoria?”, Ilfred said, bitterly. “If she lives…then that awful woman has use for her. Mirellia…you found a use, you liar.”
Somehow, that was not altogether shocking. “The Queen’s using her?”, Luz asked. “...she doesn’t have blackmail, does she?”
“Not anything so untoward, our little princess, no. She is all smiles until she senses someone has seen her true face - Malty is far closer to her in truth, she just never learned to mask. She threatened me to control her, but…” Ilfred clanked his chains. “I asked her what more she could do to increase my pain, and that she would rather die than serve the selfish whim of a human, not after what we saw of humans. But I see she found some honey, I suppose, the ‘safety of the world’ - my daughter is kind and learned, but she is not wise if she believes it at stake.”
“Jeez.” Anne came up. “Well, let’s get you down from there. We know a necromancer, maybe she can help you move again-”
“Wait!” Ilfred forced his part-iron hand out to point at a mural behind him. “I sense the mark of a removed slave-crest on you. One of…his. There is something…you must know…”
Romuli looked…
And saw the Crimson Smith of the Stellar Order, in all his masked handsomeness and four arms, forging the Legendary Weapons.
Except that unlike most depictions, there was a solar disk on his brow, and where the last arm held his hammer instead of the other three, there was a puppet.
A very familiar puppet, because it bore a distinct resemblance to a man who Romuli hated more than anything else in the world.
“...Beloukas?”, he said, quietly.
“That is not how his name is supposed to be said. Not what his parents spoke when they named him,” Ilfred said. “But it is in pictograms as the Smith, so I use Beloukas as well.”
(A/N: Note to none-Exalted fans - pictograms are how you write in Old Realm, basically Primordial-ese and the first language in Creation, because Beloukas is a First Age Solar Exalted - Beloukas is the Melromarc-ese translation of his name, to be explicit.)
no subject
Date: 2025-10-20 03:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-20 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-22 03:44 am (UTC)The expression "Killing two birds with one stone" seems both appropriate and ironic in terms of Fitoria being able to solve two problems at once by killing Naofumi (and the other Cardinal Heroes).
Seriously, the fact the show never even touches on the fact that Naofumi legally and magically owns and controls the future ruler of an entire species is yet another example of the abysmal worldbuilding and refusal to address the obvious implications of the story's plot points.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-22 04:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-10-22 04:45 am (UTC)The idea that malicious beings will offer you your fantasies but actually just want to devour or enslave you is ancient and Rising of the Shield Hero shows why that offer can be so tempting even if it's just in the form of escapism.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-22 05:21 am (UTC)