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leliel_12[Trigger Warning: Mutilation and described animal death plus described body horror, picture of non-graphic body horror and mutilation, and a vaguely spider-like Angel hidden under a link.]
[Mobile Caution: Some images and gifs]
[Link to Das Sporking]
[Cut to sporking chamber, which has redoubled wards, and an entire new section even farther away from Sophia]
Nocht: [Mask off, revealing extremely pale, vampire-like individual] You’re absolutely sure, right? No corruption, or at least minimum, is going to seep over, yes?
Diego: To the extent I and Ambrose were able to Chaos-proof, yes.
Nocht: And she is bound to not find ways around it?
Sophia: That was the terms of a most generous pact with the hosts, that is correct.
Nocht: And there’s monitoring systems in place?
Futaba: [Thumbs-up] Thing of beauty.
Nocht: [Slightly calmer, but hand still resting on pistol nervously] …I suppose that’ll suffice. Come the Apocalypse…
Taion: I would ask why it is there needs to be so many precautions…but I saw the log of the last spork. I must admit, that rage was rather impressive, as was the mental effects…
Wanderer2691: Yeah - my human co-sporker is currently relaxing in the holiest resort world possible after the anime filler nearly made him pick up the hobby of skull collecting; through the power of dimensional contrivance-er, resonance, meet his new second, Kyriotes Nocht, Vindicare Assassin of an Imperium where all the loyalist Primarchs in the more known Warhammer 40K universe were traitors, and all traitors loyalists, also to provide some military commentary.
Nocht: And that is something I am needed for. Sweet Throne, this setting…I actually feel embarrassed on behalf of the Archenemy you read this…
Diego: [Looks up notes from Leliel] According to the astropathic memo, apparently Nocht is by much of canon not supposed to exist. Vindicare Assassins like him are supposed to have been raised from childhood to be the perfect snipers, and only have a vocabulary of war-related words. However, Dark Heresy has a ‘prestige class’ wherein fully adult sharpshooters are recruited, and it is official Games Workshop policy that a lot of Warhammer lore is Imperial propaganda and temporal anomalies exist in the Warp, so any lore contradiction is in-universe the lies and timelines not coordinating themselves. Also, that the idea that a vocabulary meant entirely for war is, and I quote, ‘fucking dumb’, and so he headcanons that there are plenty of Assassins from all Temples recruited in adulthood, with their rearing in the creches being ‘declassified’, which given how secretive and need-to-know the Temples are to begin with, is a lie nobody can catch them in. There are plenty of actual hidden apprentices the new recruits can hide in.
Nocht: Yeah, I fully admit to guilt here. Really, any attache to the Space Marines is likely gonna need to be what my mentor called a ‘false child’, because, well, we actually have our own personalities and can actually understand the philosophies of the Astartes we’re trying to help. Night Lords in my universe believe in terror tactics as part of a precise, collateral-conscious form of war - and so an Assassin taking out high-value targets sows confusion and breaks down morale, maximizing the ability to defeat the opponent quickly, thus minimizing collateral. So, I needed to be able to recognize what targets are high value - and just as importantly, when one’s a disposable patsy rather than an actual officer or organizing force, always important when one deals with rebels. Warp, I actually shot a non-heretical Planetary Governor once…because she was such a prick that the cult we were after organized largely as a corruption of an entirely legitimate rebellion against her incompetent bullying masquerading as ‘hardness.’ Me getting her both removed a rallying point and made the non-corrupt sections of the rebellion realize we didn’t want to be their enemies.
Futaba: Yet, I can’t help but feel that, given the Imperium, you still declared them traitors…you guys don’t really lose aggro against rebels.
Nocht: We were able to blackmail the Arbites into just executing the original leaders for unknowing cooperation with the Archenemy, and not using proper channels, but…yeah, I’m not going to insult anyone’s intelligence and claim everything was great. We failed those people long before Chaos became a factor, and it’s a miracle we were able to save most of their families from the Lex Imperialis. But, just to be clear - the only reason I’m working with this dark echo of Lord Lorgar is because I know that whatever happened to her to make her a strong believer in any religion, let alone the Ruinous Powers, didn’t seem to take her faith and amicability. Honestly, it’s unsettling.
Sophia: Ah, yes, the blinkered farmboy, ignorant to the glories of the warp. I pity him.
Nocht: Matter of much perspective on that; he seems to have had better foster parents, for one. But, I digress. This…thing, whatever he is, poses a threat to both us and Chaos if he starts trying to expand beyond his misbegotten universe, because he’s that toxic a person. I’ve been mentally enticed by Slaaneshi daemons before with images of myself as some kind of mythical huntsman who is regarded with awe and respect for his skill with a gun rather than an unfortunate necessity whose successes are suppressed and failures scapegoated…and I think that version of me would be someone this fethhead would regard as a threat to his masculinity. That Nocht prized his independence and ability to attract paramours through his skill and fame, after all…primarily beautiful men. Can’t have rivals who don’t even have women as their first choice showing you up, oh no…
Wanderer2691: Hoo boy, you are going to feel really sorry for Kaji and Kowaru, when we get there…
Futaba: And we start off with a…bit of a note.
To those of you commenting about the tense thing, I know about it and I try and avoid it, but it is endemic to the way I write and it can be impossible at times for me to see the tense shifts, even if they're in the same sentence. Just part of the warped way my brain works at times.
Taion: This honestly is not worth critiquing. Tense changes are obnoxious, but easy to miss - and can be ignored, at least in the opinion of Leliel. I would recommend running a grammar check before posting, however.
Emma: In my opinion it’s completely unacceptable and I only haven’t been harping on it because I can’t make it funny. Get a beta. Learn to proofread.
Futaba: It is also a testament to being kind of defensive about your work, though - “I can’t help it, and if you have a problem, it’s this not my problem.” You didn’t need that last line - is this a stretch? Yep, but I’m not exactly in a forgiving mood after seeing how relieved Kage was to dive into a Palace of a Drukhari.
Nocht: [Sudden look of dread] … It’s always worse than you anticipated…
The mortification the two of them experienced after Misato gave them 'The Talk' in the morning lasted for days, especially since Misato was so cheerfully nonchalant about the whole thing and seemed completely unashamed about the explicitness of her explanations.
Nocht: …far worse…
Wanderer2691: Well that didn’t take long before the “hue hue Misato horny” alleged jokes! I admit, she’d probably do that - but frankly, it’s part of a pretty bad pattern that says this is all she is, so…
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 290
They had only been able to stare in mute horror as she showed them where her stash of condoms was located before she proceeded to give a demonstration on how to actually put one on using a banana as reference.
Diego: I’m torn. On the one hand, seriously? But on the other, I can see a perpetual teenager doing this…
Futaba: I’m not. There’s a difference between Misato being immature and her not taking what needs to be serious…well, seriously. Hell, if she thinks Asuka and Shinji have something productive, I can see her going into fullscale attempts to make sure their relationship works to an embarrassing degree. And yeah, that means using something other than a banana, which is…yeah, we can see the pervy author…
Emma: To be fair, most sex ed demonstrations do use a banana (Unless you live in Canada, because this happened).
DUMMY PLUGGED: 185
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 129
Their protests of "Too much information!" went on deaf ears, and even seemed to egg Misato on. When she started giving tips they had simply run screaming from the apartment, holding their ears.
Diego: And this is something I am calling bullshit on, we’ve seen them being plenty sexually mature last chapter, the author just conveniently forgot for the sake of alleged humor.
Taion: And of course, ties into this fic’s attitude towards sex and romance, which is suspiciously conventional and supposedly mortifying for followers of a pantheon that includes a deity of perversion…
Emma: Yeah, the fic’s attitudes towards sex and romance are gross and creepy, but they’re gross and creepy in an extremely normie way.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 291
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 130
When they finally stopped running, Shinji could only mutter, "That woman is worse than a Keeper of Secrets I tell you."
Nocht: …you cannot be serious right now.
Sophia: I would laugh at your naivete towards the Great Sea and its denizens, but to be honest I believe you may possess more sense of proportion in your trigger finger’s nail than Tzeentchji has in his whole body…
"Keeper of Secrets?" Asuka asks while trying to regain her breath next to him.
"Oh, just a mythological creature from my religion, a servant of one of the gods," Shinji explains. "A Keeper of Secrets knows what you want, and can tell you how to get it… for a price."
Nocht: This has about as much accuracy as a child drawing a sword has with an actual Astartes-class combat knife. They can do that - but they are also called that because they know everything about you, especially the parts you wish to keep secret, along with a nearly infinite degree of finer combat techniques, arts, practical knowledge, good dining…point is, reducing them to tempters is suicidally moronic even for a Slaaneshi. They may be the least fight-ready of Greater Daemons as a rule, but that’s praise with faint insult.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 117
"That sounds… almost like a demon," Asuka says.
Snickering, "Oh, but the lines betweens daemons and angels are ever so thin. We fight and kill the Angels, so would that not make us the daemons? Besides, things always have a price in life. Every god demands worship, and why should the costs not be explicitly spelled out? There is faith and then there is foolishness."
Sophia: [Smiling] Please carve out your own tongue for despoiling those sayings for your own personal gain and greater control over her.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 399
Asuka shuddered at Shinji's cold, callousness, and she asked, "What did we just pay for back there then?"
"Well, we clearly lost a small portion of our sanity back there.
Wanderer2691: Along with long-term memory, given Mr. So Turned On Right Now from the last chapter is saying this.
What we gained, I suppose, was a measure of knowledge and safety. Misato… she truly loves and cares for us; she just has a great deal of trouble expressing it appropriately.
Futaba: Not the way you’re claiming, trash mob! Once again, she’s the onee-chan deconstruction, not the sex maniac deconstruction!
Emma: I would submit that trying to give you full sex education is probably the best option compared to just letting you go at it or “leave room for Jesus” style abstinence.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 186
She is the sort of person that when she sees a challenge she throws herself head-first at it and damn the consequences," Shinji explains.
Taion: First, how was that “throwing yourself at a challenge head-first” what we saw instead of titillation, and second, your attempts to retcon her into being more in the lines of the Dark Prince are neither unnoticed or accepted. It’s still presenting them as being primarily about sensual pleasure to the exclusion of other factors.
Sophia: Yes, that is a trait that leads to the worship of She who Thirsts. You have managed to get that correct. It would be more praiseworthy if you were not applying it to a woman who appears to have adjusted to living in any horrible circumstance because trying to fix it would open her up to too much pain.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 118
Sniffing, Asuka says, "I really didn't need to know all that."
Smirking, Shinji points out, "Says the girl who snuck into my room last night to make out. In a way though, I think she is the one being the most mature about this."
Nocht: Certainly more than the author, or you yourself, you responsibility-dodging twit.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 400
Wanderer2691: Skipping ahead through what’s mostly just more of the same, Asuka protests the banana was a bit much, but Shinji does point out she recognizes the two of them are roommates, and unlike certain biological parents of an Ikari, actually is trying to take responsibility. Asuka changes the subject to the Dark Gods themselves…hoo boy...
After a few moments of silence, Asuka asks curiously, "So what god would have a… Keeper of Secrets… as a servant?"
"Slaanesh, Prince of Pleasure, although like all the gods in the pantheon, they are many things.
Futaba: Somehow, I think this fic will forget this pronoun in…the same chapter. Place your bets…
A being of intense sensuality, it must be pointed out that there are many forms of pleasure, of sensation. Slaanesh embodies everything from a passionate kiss to the warm feeling of satisfaction an artist gets upon completion of a great work. It is easier for those who do not understand to become lost in the surface aspects of hedonism and dismiss Slaanesh as a corrupt, decadent being. The core of Slaanesh though is to attain perfection. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, these are merely steps on a path," Shinji explains.
Diego: And for you and your author, it is clearly sex, sex, and more sex. Since when have you or the author cared about any of that apart from lust and some idea of a cosmic party animal? … Come to think of it, where’s the association with pain?
Sophia: Hedonism is not the surface aspect. You cannot presume that there is a shallow, frivolous, hedonistic surface layer, and a deeper, more rewarding truth. The search for perfect sensation, the search for perfect action, those cannot be disentangled for followers of the Prince of Excess. They are a corrupt, decadent being, and following them entails rejecting any common definitions of “corrupt” and “decadent”.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 119
Looking at him oddly, Asuka asks, "I thought you said you worshipped something else?"
"I know of Slaanesh, but I do not worship him. I give my faith and prayers to Tzeentch, a god of change and evolution and hope.
Nocht: Ambition is not all hope…
Taion: We are not scoring that, because that is how Tzeentch thinks of himself, but it’s a distinct form of confusion suffered by Tzeentchji here.
I move onwards, breaking down boundaries to find the truth of things, to become something more, something greater. On the surface, Tzeentch is the most callous of the gods, as the old is thrown out in :favour of the new, but this is merely a surface observation. Tzeentch does not abandon his followers, they abandon him.
Wanderer2691: The Thousand Sons-slash-Scions would like a word with you, and to ask exactly what it is you have as glorified Pokemon with the Rubrics.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 120
He is a god of change and motion, and if you do not keep up with him, keep hope alive, then he will outpace you, as is his nature. Only a fool attempts to surf a wave and then curses the wave when he cannot keep up with it.
Nocht: Or stepped upon to reach higher - this isn’t even something he lies about, he fully admits to being the God of Intrigue as well.
Sophia: This may be the most Tzeentchji has ever sounded like an Arcanite. Determinedly making excuses for his god and for the harm done to other followers, all the while assuming it would never happen to him, because he’s one of the good worshippers who can live up to his God’s designs. Of course, none of that is going to be hypocrisy, and he will be perfectly correct and it will never (excuse my language) bite him in the ass.
Emma: You sound a little… bitter.
Sophia: I love my sister dearly, but Magdalene did once think she could tell me I was “playing with things I could not understand”.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 121
So long as there is hope, you can keep up with him," Shinji explains.
Frowning, Asuka says, "You're right, that does sound callous."
Futaba: Which seems better than what he actually does to people he thinks it’d be funny to grief. Trust me on this, Nocht - the version of Magnus we’re more familiar with got a seriously shit loot table thanks to Mr. Big Evil Shapeshifting Birb.
Emma: Also “so long at there’s hope, you can keep up with him”. That’s not good. That’s how Tzeentch, and more mundane abusers, keep you strung along. Giving you a chance to “keep up or “redeem yourself” is not good in this context. It’s a big part of why Tzeentch is, you know, evil.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 122
Laughing, Shinji says, "Then perhaps you would like to hear of Tzeentch's rival, Papa Nurgle? Nurgle is a god of decay, despair, and joy. Nurgle is the sort of god that would walk into the paediatric ward of a hospice filled with sick, dying children and read to them instead of healing them, simply because their smiles are more precious to him than their health. He is life without restraint, as cancer is life without restraint, burning away to inevitable oblivion… and enjoying every putrescent moment of it.
Diego: Ugh…for once, I don’t have a response, because this describes his positive aspects pretty well…
Sophia: Yes, but once again he is hiding from the aspects of the faith that are more unpleasant to the ignorant and the layperson. Nurgilites will infect others, since if the strongest bonding comes from suffering then this is the best path to closeness.
Rei has recently taken up the path of Nurgle, seeing before her a path to oblivion and deciding to enjoy the journey."
Diego: …and this I do, because it’s clear she took up that faith to protect what was precious to her. This is one of the few things this moronic Nurglite Rei idea has right, but preserving what joy you have is literally the foundational belief of most Nurgle cultists! That’s why Mortarion is the Plague Primarch!
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 123
"Ewww…" Asuka says, making a disgusted face.
Shrugging, Shinji says, "She made her choice, who am I to interfere?"
Sophia: A better servant of the Architect of Fate?
By now though, Asuka was curious, and after a moment of silence, she asks, "I thought there were four gods in your religion? Who's the fourth one?"
Welcome to my parlour said the spider to the fly.
Futaba: And welcome to my tarantula hawk I got just for you, said the hacker to the asshole. As much as you are a recruiter, this isn’t what I’d expect to see when converting your alleged girlfriend to something you sincerely think would make her happy!
Emma: Yeah, I don’t object to the idea that following Tzeentch too closely would probably eat away at you in such a way that you’d seem like a manipulative freak even when you’re being sincere. Once again, the problem is that the fic swings between “ignoring that’s what Tzeentchji is doing” and “using that as an excuse”.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 401
"The War God, the Blood God, Khorne. Khorne is an angry god, but then again, there is so much in life to be angry about. There is a difference between mindless, nihilistic anger and righteous anger. Khorne and his followers rage against the unfairness of life, seek to bring those they perceive as unworthy low. Blood is central to them, but then again, blood is central to many religions. Blood is life; blood is action; blood is sacrifice. Khorne cares not from where the blood flows, whether it comes from a slain enemy or a martyr holding back a dread tide to protect the innocent.
Diego: This sounds reasonable. Biased, but this is a Chaotic worshiper saying this, what is the-
The Catholics drink the blood of Jesus to accept his sacrifice, Khorne is similar, only with less drinking and more spilling," Shinji explains.
Diego: -and while he’s a Lutheran I am now quite angry on behalf of Ambrose which adds only to my lapsed Catholicism-induced irritation. Fuck off, Tzeentchji.
Emma: It’s also an absolutely bonkers thing to say when WH40k is probably the popularizer for “evil fantasy Catholic aesthetics”... based on the IMPERIUM. The ANATHEMA. Why would a Chaos worshiper ever compare themselves to Catholicism positively?
Nocht: As someone who only remembers Catholicism as a primitive predecessor to the Katolian sub-creed of the Imperial Cult, that is some fine groxshit right there. For one thing, I seem to remember the “blood” is non-alcoholic amasec - wine. And that it is freely given in peace, not as part of some symbolic warrior creed of revenge. There’s plenty of other catechisms about retribution in the Creed, but Communion certainly isn’t one, nor was it before reformation into part of the Creed.
Wanderer2691: This reeks of Edgy 00s Atheism, the kind that Lels noted down created the glorious madness that is The Salvation War, which is sadly also offensive nonsense. Catholics drink symbolic blood and Khorne is the Blood God, so they’re totes identical - never mind that Christianity is at least ostensibly about God is Love, kinda contradictory to a war god, to say nothing of the fact that, for much of its history, Catholicism was if anything akin to the Adpetus Mechanicus, really ga-ga over the idea of rationality and logic as inherently holy, hence why Prudence is a Heavenly Virtue and Lust (which isn’t just physical lust in a lot of Middle Ages thought, but acting based purely on physical sensation and feeling plus refusing to consider a situation beyond said feelings) is a Deadly Sin. In fact, that’s part of why “bestial behavior” is the go-to insult for brutish amoral actions, to a lot of Catholic-inspired thought the will to do selfish things was rooted in irrationality and refusal to consider the consequences of one’s own actions - acting like an animal, in other words. If you’re gonna compare them to a Ruinous Power, actually freaking study their history and see what kind of faith known for acting (during the medieval period) like a secular state with a lot of soft power and which sees the rituals as part and parcel with good works would likely even realize they’re being enticed? I’d think the Tzeentchian would know Faust!
(Sourced from rc88’s own Second Debt spork on this very comm, originally Scandinavia vs. The World.)
Futaba: But, obviously, none of that matters, because in the modern day, it’s a sign of how very smart you are to be a skeptic of all religion ever, and if that means you have to actively ignore all sources that contradict you, that just shows how big your reason-wang is. I’m not at all surprised this kind of mistake shows up in a fic that makes Tzeentchji the self-insert.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 402 (The analogy falling flat and being driven by ego.)
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 126 (One for confusing War and Love as deities, and another for thinking contemporary Roman Catholicism, of all religions, would be anything Khorne-adjacent, and a third for praising the Anathema-by-proxy.)
He watched the thoughts resonate in Asuka's head. They would not take now, but a seed had been planted that over hours and days would grow, and she would yearn to know more.
It was at about that point they realized that they had both forgot their bags back at the apartment and they were already at school.
And there was much raging.
Nocht: New objective suggestion - sneak bombs into those bags.
Their friends gone to Okinawa, the three pilots had little to do, so today they were swimming laps in the pool, going back and forth, feeling the cool wetness on sliding across their skin and the exertion of their muscles to plough through the water.
Wanderer2691: [Disgust] Quick reminder - this description of feeling the ‘wetness’ sliding on skin is in relation to 14-year olds. At least the series had them in modest school swimsuits.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 131
Eventually it became something of a competition between the three Children, with Asuka quickly pulling ahead before falling behind due to exhaustion.
Futaba: [Eye twitch] As much as I want to…this isn’t worthy of a point. This is very much an explicit issue of Asuka, especially as she lost confidence, and as noted, Rei is keeping up with the Almighty Man. This is too clever to be worth a ding…
Between Shinji and Rei, it was a close match. Shinji was stronger than her, but before he had shown her the wonders of Chaos swimming had been her one pleasure in her otherwise dull life, so she had a considerably better technique.
Futaba: This, on the other hand? Rei reads psychology texts for fun. Screw off.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 187
Not only that, but she had a boundless endurance.
Diego: Which, given the likely source, isn’t likely going to matter much - Nurgle isn’t known for agility or velocity, his runners are going to be marathon ones by necessity. Stamina, not direct athletic strength.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 127
Ah, going to cheat are you?
It is not cheating; it is merely using an advantage that you do not have.
Good, because I'm going to cheat now.
Nocht: And in so doing help convince her that she is your superior, you moronic child - because unless the rules contain “anything not forbidden is valid for the exercise”, then all it showed was the fundamental insecurity that leads to cheating. Part of the point of Blood Games, a tradition my lords picked up from the Custodes who guard the God-Emperor, is that everybody knows that the invading team has no particular rules of engagement apart from “try not to kill the other team”, precisely because they’re also to diagnose issues in defenses as well. Trying to cheat at swimming, beyond poor sportsmanship, isn’t even good training or assessment of skills.
Futaba: …uh, is there a point where you turn off?
Nocht: Voluntary mental reprogramming for preternatural trigger discipline and calculating sniping conditions largely in your own head is a real journey…
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 403
Instead of swimming like a normal person, Shinji simply used his telekinesis to push himself through the water and push the water out of the way, zipping back and forth between the walls impossibly fast, within a minute gaining such a formidable lead on Rei that she simply stopped mid lap and said, "You win."
Sophia: Ah, yes, another reassurance that no amount of practice or experience or skill matters when it is held by a woman compared to Tzeentchji’s manhood.
Taion: Especially when he felt actually threatened - suddenly, raw skill became less important that finding a rationale for cheating, much like most particularly whine-prone mudders.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 404
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 292
Futaba: Not to mention it’s realistic Rei would bluntly point out that this tactic only works if one is able to set rules to break beforehand, hence why it wouldn’t work on an Angel.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 187
Asuka, of course, was gaping open mouthed at Shinji the human supercavitating torpedo. Sliding up next to her, he popped his head out of the water and grinned at her.
"How… what… how did you do that?" Asuka demands urgently.
Wanderer2691: The miraculous power of Author Favoritism (™)!
Nocht: In all honesty, this turns out to lead into Shinji showing off telekinetic powers and admitting he used them to cheat…but I can’t help but notice he decided this was a reveal that needed to happen in a way that let him win a practice swim.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 405
Diego: Skipping past that reveal, which is dramatic enough (and while it involves a telepathy prank, does at least lead into something serious).
"Shinji is far better at [telepathy] than I, I can only broadcast to him," Rei tells her.
Taion: Because Queen Forbid the experienced psyker, however self-taught, show up the Big Man. Empowered by the God of Psychic Powers or not, there’s only so much that talent can exceed experience by.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 293
TALON ON THE SCALES: 30 (Don’t think we see how this still makes Tzeentchji the Speshulist through no gift of his own..)
"Come now Asuka, you've always known you were special, you just didn't know how special until now. After everything you've seen, do you think that the possession of psychic abilities are really that strange?" Shinji asks.
Futaba: *Asuka* “Not in humans, baka! What is even happening to us?!”
Wanderer2691: Leliel’s memo also has it that this is something else that Children of an Elder God did first and better.
Sliding about in the water around her, he says, "In fact, do you not think it unusual that Toji suffered such an explosive nosebleed right when you were so embarrassed by Rei? That sort of explosive nose bleeding doesn't really happen in real life."
Emma: *makes a noise like a hard drive overheating* Stop covering your ass.
Diego: “Um, ah, you see, I, uh, have reasons for it, so, ah, you can’t criticize me for plagiarizing harem gag anime, so there.” I have my critiques of the Thermian Argument, that the text can’t be used to shield criticism of the text, but when the author is clearly trying to pretentiously justify themselves…
TALON ON THE SCALES: 31
"But… but… what?" Asuka asks, suddenly feeling very small.
"Oh, relax, you did minimal damage in the long run, and you already in fact have a measure of control over your abilities simply because you can pilot an Eva. You simply need to learn more control," Shinji explains. "This is something I can teach you."
Taion: Oh, of course she did it, we know the wimmenz can’t control their psychic powers now can we? …he’s worse than a Moebius, they at least didn’t have such sexists among them. Holy ash.
Sophia: Which she will not welcome, if she’s truly a Khornate. The World Eaters’ hatred of psykers may have more to do with “Angharad having successive microstrokes every time she was in the same room as a psyker”, but in general, followers of the Blood God see psychic powers and sorcery as cowardly and cheating.
Nocht: I come from a version of the Imperium’s universe where a corrupted Thousand Son did in fact become a champion of Khorne - because he deliberately limited his powers purely to assist in his spatial awareness and with mundane bodily control despite having the capacity otherwise, remaining as honorable as he can be. Given how Tzeentchji used his telekinesis to self-admittedly cheat at swimming when someone was about to outshine him physically, I have my doubts he’ll take that tack.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 128
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 294
"He taught me," Rei says softly.
"Indeed. Tell me, why do you think Rei took up worship of Nurgle?" Shinji asks.
Wanderer2691: Because the author needed a stinky GF and she ‘won’ the coinflip?
Looking between the two of them, Asuka asks, "Is it because your religion helps with control over your abilities?"
Diego: …you know, the absolute weakest form of daemon, the Furies, are said to be formed from shards of the souls of mortals who thought they could use Chaos entirely for their own gain. I don’t know why I’m thinking of them, or why I’m imagining them being gleefully hacked to shreds by the dozen.
"Bingo. Our abilities are based around control and manipulation of emotion, and the gods are beings that are made of emotion. Their teachings are useful," Shinji says slyly.
Sophia: If you are trying to control everything, eventually you will hit a plateau. Only when we are completely swallowed by our emotions for a time can we ever touch the Dark Four completely.
Taion: It’s not even recommended for everything else. Trying to base your entirety of decisions on “control” is a good way to become a monster, or ridden with anxieties. Emotions are the foundation of logic, your intuition knows things.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 129
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 406 (“Their teachings are useful”, huh?)
"How?" Asuka asks.
"Tzeentch tells us that there are no coincidences. If you agree to keep this secret then I will teach you about this, fair? If you do not agree, I will brute force my way into your mind and surgically remove this conversation from your memories. I do not appreciate being considered a freak, or people trying to use more than they already do now that I'm a pilot. I do believe you can appreciate those sentiments," Shinji explains.
Emma: You’re a godawful little hypocrite and your author doesn’t even know it.
Wanderer2691: What she said, with an extra fuck you, Tzeenchji.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 406
Asuka suddenly had a more pressing concern on her mind.
Futaba: Along with all the other ones.
"Hey! Wait a minute! Were you screwing around with my mind when… you…" Her protest was suddenly shut down as Shinji's eyes glowed with a lambent blue fire and the water of pool precipitously dropped in temperature, even forming little feathers of ice about him.
Nocht: Ah yes, threats and void chill when given a legitimate criticism and fear. Truly a sign of someone who has empathy for the sense of being an isolated person and being treated as a tool, and not at all someone I would be quietly passing notes to the local Commissariat about an anti-Perils of the Warp plan and possibly putting into motion before detecting signs of psychic phenomenon.
Diego: [Exaggerated whisper] He means quickly killing the psyker before they explode into daemons.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 407
You would know it if I did anything more powerful than simply read your surface thoughts, even if it was by the sections of memory that were simply gone.
Wanderer2691: …so, you wouldn’t be able to alter them into something generic enough to not be worth noting? … Not at all what the author meant, but really interesting, man. And here I was thinking you had the vaunted Arcanite self-control.
Sophia: He is a furious child’s idea of one, so I am not altogether surprised.
EXCOMMUNICAE CANONICUS: 130 (It takes time and effort, but this is something the Imperial Inquisition can also do. Tzeentch psyker powers likely do it better and faster, because Tzeentch.)
Shinji then let all that power build up slowly bleed back out into the environment, his point quite clearly made. The serious look also bled away, leaving him with a grin. Gently pushing a lock of hair out of Asuka's face, he smiled at her and said, "I hold many secrets, but my affection for you has always been sincere and my words truthful."
Sophia: …Neither of those things prevent you from being a manipulative, controlling megalomaniac.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 408
Diego: You forgot greedy, narcissistic, needy, objectifying - I don’t doubt he thinks this is sincere, but it comes off like he’s treating her like a treasured object - a fine doll, fittingly.
Nocht: [Sudden creasing of the brow] …interesting term. I don’t disagree, but…’treasured’ is tickling something in my mind. It’s on the tip of my-
"Perhaps your jealousy of me would be lessened once we start sharing Shinji-kun," Rei states.
Sporkers: WHAT?!
"Sharing?" Asuka asks in a fit of outrage.
Nocht: She’s not the only one, though this is more due to losing my thought what is this?!
Sighing and shaking his head, Shinji says, "Ever since I converted her to Nurgle, Rei has shown great joy in causing things to break down. Ignore her or she will gain immense satisfaction from your annoyance."
Futaba: I wasn’t aware wank material was covered by entropy! Apparently I was wrong, it’s not just Slaanesh this author makes the sex pest Dark God! Still waiting on Khorne’s perversions, but I don’t even!
Sophia: Why on Earth would service to the Plaguefather induce a juvenile, irritating sense of humour? I am not saying it would eliminate it if it already existed, but what would make it arise in someone who did not have it?
Emma: Yeah, the treatment of Rei as “empty shell” is even worse now that she’s been “filled” with something that bears no resemblance to her but reads more like a bad knockoff of Haruhi Suzumiya.
Diego: …okay, speaking as an emissary of Shub-Niggurath, I’m drawing a yellow card here. You will apologize for your blasphemy of putting the name of Lord Azathoth’s most human and curious Incarnation in the same sentence as this…porn parody of Rei.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 188
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 132
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 400 (Don’t encourage her!)
"Ignore me and it will come back to bite you," Rei says with a smile.
Futaba: Watch me, faker. [mimes blocking her account]
DUMMY PLUGGED: 189
"Okay, I'll amend that. Listen to her at your own risk, but ignore her at your risk as well," Shinji replies.
Wanderer2691: We’ll take those odds! Please tell me this is done.
"Okay… if I may? If I may, I would just like to point out a few things here," Shinji says at the tactical briefing called upon the discovery of the latest Angel.
Wanderer2691: …I’d be giving praises to relevant divine figures, but Emps in the presence of Sophia is a bad idea and the Dark Gods even more of one for the same reasons. Though if we need that chainsword again…
Taion: Well, that was sudden - wasn’t even a note of alarms before what’s the line break in the original.
Futaba: Honestly, it’s because this is Sandalphon’s fight - aka The Filler Flounder:
Sporkers Not Futaba: [Stare, then collapse into giggles]
Taion: [Tries to suppress his own] Are we…are we entirely sure this is an Angel and not a Nopon in an experimental exoskeleton that is also on hallucinogens or otherwise very drunk?
Emma: I’m going to wiggle it around to see if it has googly eyes!
Nocht: You know, I suspect fighting this thing after it destroyed a hive city would be hazardous to Astartes. They’d take one look at it and the unprepared Scouts would promptly die of embarrassment on behalf of humanity.
Wanderer2691: Aww, who’s a cute kaiju? Who’s an adorable destroyer of worlds made by ancient aliens? It’s you! Yes it’s you!
Diego: [Lovecraft voice] “And thus, shuddering in horror, I beheld what no madman in the past or future of this tiny and infinitesimal planet in the inhuman infinitude of empty chaos that is this terrible and benighted cosmos, seared indelibly into the most horrid nightmares of my shattering mind: googly eyes.”
Futaba: Yeah…fun fact, the episode it shows up in is consistently regarded as the worst in Eva after Jet Alone’s, for many reasons - ironically the design of Sandalphon isn’t one of them, as we barely see it, but…we barely see it. It doesn’t even have a full minute of screentime. The main reason the episode is regarded as the whiff of the series is that it is the closest the series gets to a filler beach episode and…this thing:
(Source: TV Tropes)
Diego: [Uncomfortable look, glances at others.] I can tell there are weird nerds who are all over this. Using my finely honed instincts when faced with tomes of eldrich lore I am not ready for, I am going to create a gap in my mind regarding it. I suggest you do the same.
Wanderer2691: Agreed. Even mentioning it is causing my face to mimic Asuka’s…
Futaba: Pressurized plugsuits - an expanding problem! But, I digress. Sandalphon is honestly a more clever concept than its design deserves - it’s named after the angel that determines sexes in embryos, and that tiny red fetus thingy is actually the embryonic state it’s found in before going Flounder Mode. Second, while I keep calling it a flounder, it’s actually based on primeval animals like Anomalocaris here:
(Source: Wikipedia)
Nocht: See, I’d be intimidated by a giant version of that, on the basis it can clearly see where it’s going instead of needing to swim sideways.
Futaba: Sssh, let the class show and tell first, snark later. Sandalphon also shares a quality with its namesake in that it is one of the most enormous Angels encountered, dwarfing Unit-02 even in its bulky magma pressure armor. Combined with how we never actually get a clear look at it and showing the true goofiness of its design, one gets the sense it was kind of shortchanged by its own episode - it could be a really memorable fight, if only it had a chance to fight and was attached to a better plot than Goofy Inflatable Volcano Field Trip.
Taion: …so, how is this chapter going to not give it the showing it deserves?
"Ahem. A list should suffice.
Sporkers:
Nocht: I think this is my first time with the rapid-press button. And given how snide he’s going to be…
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 401
One: we have never found an Angel before it attacked us, much less in an apparently dormant and embryonic state.
Futaba: Nor do you have any data that this wasn’t a coincidence caused by the massiveness of the planet, and that they even have enough going on upstairs to do these lures.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 402
DUMMY PLUGGED: 190
Two: this Angel is in possibly the most hostile location on the planet, over a thousand feet beneath the surface of an active volcano, surrounded by molten rock where it will be a challenge to know whether the crushing pressure or the intense heat will destroy something first.
Diego: Given how variable the Angels you’ve faced so far are, it might also be that it happens to be where this one lives, once again ascribing motive to something that hasn’t shown much yet.
Sophia: While the world is far too complex for me to put too much stock in what you call Occam’s Razor… it is safe to assume that the animal in the volcano is in the volcano because it lives there, not because it is making some sort of cunning plan with cognitive abilities it may not even have.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 403
DUMMY PLUGGED: 191
Three: the Type-L equipment will not work under such conditions, because we would be going into boiling hot magma, a significant point considering that the Type-L was designed to counter the increasing power of the Angels.
Wanderer2691: *Tzeentchji* “Which would prevent me from showing off, and that’s awful! What do you mean ‘stop acting like it necessarily planned this’?!”
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 404
DUMMY PLUGGED: 192
Four: boiling hot magma is incredibly dense and would thus impede motion massively. Five: the Evas are not physically dense enough to actually sink into boiling hot magma, so to actually get down that deep would require extra dense weights to be added, which would impair movement even more than the sort of heavy armour required to actually survive while surrounded on all sides by boiling hot magma.
Futaba: *Ritsuko* “Oh, gee, whoever could’ve thought of this, maybe someone who designed this just in case, maybe?! You’re welcome?!” Even beyond that, there is no implication in series that the Type-D Equipment used really blocks Eva motion all that much, and it’s shown that yes, an Eva can dive in there with basic-ass B-Type equipment with no prep. Or did you forget a driving scene of the episode?
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 405
DUMMY PLUGGED: 193
Six: the last report from the probe said that the Angel was sinking deeper into the boiling hot magma. Seven: boiling hot magma!
Taion: Er, I don’t think I heard you right? There is magma, and I believe it is boiling hot?
Nocht: Is this, perhaps, a sponsorship deal by magma? It comes off as a bit of a tantrum - when on defense, you lose the right to choose your field of war at the initial strike, this is known. He should have cottoned on.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 406
"So, to sum up, in the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar, 'It's a trap!' This is such a trap that I reserve the right as a soldier to refuse an obviously suicidal order," Shinji finishes off.
Diego: Says he who is proud of the Shinji Suicide Special as a name, because he can’t control the battlefield. Man up, adaptation and working within limitations is part of planning.
Emma: Once again, “refuses to get involved in any situation they can’t completely control” is a great Tzeentchian flaw. And, once again, we aren’t meant to see this as a flaw but as a perfectly sensible, logical fix.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 407
Listening to this, Asuka nods and says, "I too reserve the right to refuse this mission on the grounds of being unnecessarily risky."
Futaba: …who is this woman, and what has she done with Asuka? Especially Khorne Asuka? Seems like a great place to establish down and dirty fighting.
Emma: Her man has spoken, and that takes precedent.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 194
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 141
"I will go if ordered to," Rei replies.
Shaking her head, Misato says, "Don't worry Rei, Unit 00 is incompatible with the D-Type equipment, and now that Shinji has put it that way, I'm scrapping the mission.
Futaba:
…WHAT.
I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I was too eager to have actually found an Angel in this state that I didn't actually pause to consider what a blindingly obvious trap this is."
Futaba: …
Yep, vote either Red or Purple, I think we found the Imposters, dump ‘em out the airlock, this meme is old I don’t fucking care HAVE YOU WATCHED NGE AT ALL, AUTHOR?!
Wanderer2691: Fucking Misato calling off aggression towards an Angel? The fucking sole survivor of Adam’s awakening Misato?! That Misato?!
Futaba: Okay, backstory time!
Futaba: See, Misato’s dad had about as much social grace as Gendo, and could be about as neglectful. She really didn’t like him, but even so yearned for contact - this included tagging along on the expedition that accidentally awoke Adam. As one of his last actions, Dr. Katsuragi sacrificed himself to put Misato in the escape pod, and so Misato received confirmation he always cared about her, he just had negative skill points in Parenting, and lost him forever at once. To cope, she reclassed into freaking Captain Ahab when it comes to the Angels. Episode 10, which is what this chapter is trying to pwn with factz and lawgic, is the first hint of how insane she can get when dealing with them!
Emma: But if we included the actual character depth, then we would have to take into account that Misato is a deeply damaged woman and maybe taking her “flirty mother figure” facade at face value is gross and wrong in a lot of ways.
Diego: …huh. I’ll have to introduce her to Kaiya, she nearly ended up the same - it was exploring alternate timelines for her, and her father sacrificed himself to commune with the King in Yellow before he destroyed what was left of the King Castigane America to show they were travelers rather than members of the Carcosa partisans, which is why he sort of adopted her as a Scion and turned her rage against people who deserved it. Might teach her better coping mechanisms.
Wanderer2691: Weird backstory synergies aside, if anything this should be the moment Misato realizes how obsessive she’s being - hell, if we’re really going for her being Totes Slaaneshi, this should be when she recognizes her obsession exists, and choses to take ownership of it - using it to develop a better plan. But nooo, onee-sama needs to be all motherly and junk, so the first time she’s gotten to the point of any depth, then she’s the goddamn voice of reason! Because how dare the mother figure have actual character develop-
[Speakers ding]
Leliel’s voice: “If you are hearing this message right now, then you have reached the point where Misato suddenly becomes the voice of caution. Don’t worry, it comes up in a later chapter! For all of one paragraph where she didn’t even act uncharacteristically aggressive or scary and then she instantly resolves it forever. Yes, really.”
[Long beat, as Futaba gives a shuddering inhale]
Futaba: PERSONA! [turns into Oracle, Al-Azif starts probing the wards]
Nocht: MORTARION’S PISS, WOMAN! Is this your “Persona”, and why are you poking at the wards?!
Oracle: [Crazed giggle] Oh, looking for where the Khornate chainsword went.
Taion: …Futaba, this is ridiculous!
Oracle: It’s okay, I just wanna talk to him…
Diego: Futaba, even if you take up Chaos, the Blood God doesn’t suit you at all!
Oracle: I just want to talk to him!
Sophia: I cannot believe I am agreeing with this, but he is right, you are far more likely to survive the Paths of Fate or Decay, you will be expected to personally fight as one of the blessed of Blood! Your potential does not deserve to be stopped by that!
Oracle: I just want to stab him! I JUST WANNA TALK TO HIM!
Futaba: [Back to herself, long inhale] …we’re gonna all be singing the praises of the Ruinous Powers to end it all in a hecatomb of fire and freedom by the end of this.
Emma: *staring emptily at the ceiling* “By the end of this”, huh?
Nocht: …this is growing disturbingly plausible. But as it is…we must soldier through.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 199 (Because this more or less is the core of who Misato is as a person, and makes everything else about her shaky and far, far more shallow.)
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 142 (Isn’t even reacting like a good heretic should.)
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 295 (Because mothers are “reasonable”, of course!)
Wanderer2691: You know what the worst part is? This is also accidentally making Misato the most likable main character by far, as pointed out by a friend of the sporkers. It makes what happens to her later to make her actually Slaaneshi just…WHY.
Futaba: … [Quiet sobbing.]
All around the various techs and tacticians were smacking themselves over having not thought of it like that. Everyone had merely considered the risks of volcano diving and considered it acceptable, and yet somehow no one had raised the rather obvious point that perhaps the reason they had found the Angel sleeping was because it wanted to be found.
Taion: …because they were not precognitive telepaths, Tzeentchji. I am beginning to think this particular chapter’s thrust is ‘I, Academia Nut, am very smart and think I know how to write a contentious episode well, let me pull facts not established in the actual source of this fanfiction and in fact contradictory to it out of my rear end to knock down in order to show off how smart I am.’
Futaba: You just got that? But seriously - it’s heavily implied in the series that the Dead Sea Scrolls told NERV that Sandalphon was safe, at least long enough to examine it in the lab. They already contained literally Adam, why not his weird Cambrian bug fish kid?
DUMMY PLUGGED: 200
Gendo hid his frown behind his gloved hands. He had selected his command staff for myopic brilliance. He wanted them capable of acting flawlessly in the moment, not figuring out the bigger picture, and for the most part they had done that, but recently they had been getting smarter in ways Gendo did not approve of. And he felt it had to do with his son.
Sophia: While I agree people like Gendo don’t particularly want underlings who will act against them with any force, that can easily be overcome by finding smart people whose motives can be bent to your own, not by kneecapping yourself by making sure none of your command staff can perform basic deductive reasoning.
Nocht: It is, however, what Tzeentchji would do, and as noted, Tzeentchji is the Most Intelligent Boy In The World, so naturally, other intelligent people must act like him - or at least, screw up in ways he can take advantage of. Please ignore the continuing existence of Honorary Magos Akagi.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 201
TALON ON THE SCALES: 32
Unfortunately there was dick all Gendo could do about it now, seeing as he had just seen all of his current political capital go up in a puff of smoke.
Wanderer2691:
Diego: I checked the previous chapter, and…I seriously don’t get how any of it follows! Huh?!
He had had to talk the members of SEELE into this plan, and now his pilots and senior command staff had just rejected it. If he pushed now there was a severe risk of mutiny, and the only people with the resources to put it down properly would just laugh at him.
Nocht: Because the author said so apparently, why is this an issue it is called a counterargument!
His son had just torpedoed months of work, and it would take weeks, if not months to recover enough to move against the little bastard. Mostly because Gendo now wondered if the boy had been compromised by SEELE. This was not a frustration he needed right now.
Taion: …oh. That’s why. Because the Stu whined about a dangerous environment. Of course.
Futaba: [Pinching nose] You know, Gendo was faced with “the danger is Second Impact Part Two” in canon from SEELE and the Instrumentality Committee - before the Children ever heard about it. And that was including all the boiling hot magma. Realistically, he’d just point out that the Committee already signed off on retrieval, so while Tzeentchji has his sympathies and will be allowed to remain as backup in case it tries something funny…
Diego: But once again, it’s also make the the author’s brain-wang feel inadequate, so…
DUMMY PLUGGED: 203 (Because Gendo would have backups, on the basis he’s not an idiot.)
TALON ON THE SCALES: 34 (Besides his backups, he wouldn’t bend like this at the first sign of trouble without trying, not unless he thought the other idea was genuinely better for his agenda.)
"We need to turn the trap in on itself," Misato says, musingly. "We need to lure the Angel to the surface where it won't have the home field advantage."
Wanderer2691: It’s simple! All they need is to pull the Big Book of Angel Communication With A Weird Lava Baby We Haven’t Seen The Adult Form Of out of her ass…
TALON ON THE SCALES: 35
"Personally I'm all for shoving an N2 mine in one of those probes and sending it down as low as it can go. The blast might not do anything to the Angel, but it will sure as hell let it know that we're not falling for its bullshit. Then, when it surfaces to play, we just shoot it from the high ground of the crater," Asuka suggests.
Diego: Or, given how it clearly lives in the lava, dive deeper into the magma flow a panic and realize - “Oh, hey, I can provoke eruptions and search for Adam safely down here! Sweet!” But the author’s inability to recognize that Angels have distinctly animalistic behaviors, and plot armor of Da Smart Plans, is unstoppable.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 36
Everyone looks at her funnily before she says, "Alright! I rushed in last time! I learned my lesson, okay?"
Futaba: *Asuka* “And that lesson is: Violence is not the answer, it is a question, and the answer is FUCK YES VOLCANO DIVE!” Or, at least, that’s what a non-smarty-smart cheerleader who conveniently only worships Khorne and his love of challenging himself would say.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 204
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 143
Beaming proudly at his student, Shinji says, "Actually, I like her idea. It's simple, elegant, and even if we have to fight the Angel in its mature form, at least we don't have to dive into a hostile environment."
Sophia: Ah yes, your student. *glowing faintly with unholy light* Your vessel. Your puppet. I know what you are, and I am displeased.
Wanderer2691: As are we all. I can’t help but notice he’s only praising her when she’s backing him up…
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 408
"Simple plans are best," Rei chips in.
Taion: *Gendo* “Like capturing it so we can study it later?”
Diego: *Tzeentchji* “But you’d have to figure out a way around the fact the author regards you as a convenient Scary Sue to be shown up!”
"We'll need to figure out the proper yield… detonating a nuclear scale weapon has never been attempted inside an active volcano for obvious reasons, but I think we can come up with something that will work," Ritsuko says, giving the scientific approval.
Emma: Huh- Wha- Why is SHE agreeing to this? They’re rejecting her proven technology over “uhhhh, nuke the volcano?”! How is that something that gets scientific approval?
Taion: …Question. Do psyker powers involve mind control.
Diego: Yes. Especially for Tzeentch-flavored ones.
Taion: Ah. We have the hidden reasoning, then.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 37
Sighing quietly at the complete ruination of his reputation, Gendo says, "Then proceed."
Sophia: Is there a reason he can’t just lean into this, paint himself as a rational leader who listens to critique, and then build up his power base later? I don’t see how his reputation is completely dependent on whether or not they drop a nuclear weapon on a… silly-looking fish.
Wanderer2691: Because the author is god, king, and overlord of whiny customers who need to speak to the manager NOW, and so what he says goes. He’s just waiting for the fic to be over to escape through a plot hole and realizing he needs to play the fool.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 38
DUMMY PLUGGED: 205
Nocht: While enough of the fight is fine enough to be skimmed over, we do see the start of just how much the main draw, the more epic fights, decay. For example, the N2 mine proceeds to crack the local hot springs and bathe them in toxic volcanic gasses…
But the onsen of the region had already been completely evacuated, and in fact all across the country people had been advised of the detonation and asked to stay clear of any hot springs until further notice. After about five minutes the rumblings of the earth died down, and an hour later except for the new, now mostly dead, lava flows, it would be hard to tell that anything had actually happened.
Emma: I’m not a volcanologist (the things I know about volcanoes are mostly related to “my beloved weird minerals and semi-precious stones come out of them sometimes”) but it seems to me detonating a super-nuke down a mountain would… probably be worse than that?
Diego: Yep. If it caused anything at all apart from a deeper crater, it’s because the volcano is prime for an eruption, and a mine would provoke an instant eruption from, y’know, all the pressurized lava going out. The deeper, the worse the eruption. Like where Sandalphon would notice it: https://www.iflscience.com/what-would-happen-if-you-dropped-bomb-volcano-30400
Taion: Isn’t it strange how this fic from a forum that prides itself on its ability to win through science seems to often forget to research when it’d stop the author from indulging power fantasies?
TALON ON THE SCALES: 39
"Okay, we're on stand-by until further notice. We stay here for at most a week to see if, by some stroke of luck we actually killed the Angel, before returning to Tokyo-3. Any questions?" Misato asks the Pilots.
"No ma'am," they answer as one.
"Good, now unfortunately all the hot springs in the region are closed for the next month as the mountain is monitored for any residual activity, so unfortunately none of us can relax in a nice natural bath," Misato says.
Wanderer2691: And Tzeentchji died of instant blueballs at fanservice denied. The end.
Pouting a bit, Asuka brightens up and says, "Ah well, it's the Angel's fault for wrecking all my vacation plans. I'll just have to make sure it suffers for annoying me."
Her face blank, Rei says, "I had no interest in bathing in any case."
Shrugging, Shinji says, "There's always another day."
Emma: Is. Is he seriously trying to pretend he’s ABOVE anime fanservice? Seriously? I would KILL for a stupid ecchi onsen scene right now compared to everything I’ve had to sit through.
Diego: Given the shit with the shower last chapter? My guess is that he felt it was inferior to his hardcore porn, and also involves watchers who wouldn’t broke with sexual harassment.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 409
Misato just glared at them all before saying, "I wanted to go."
Shaking her head, she says, "Go have fun you three. We've probably got a lot of long, boring waiting around doing nothing ahead of us."
Taion: Uh, if Sandalphon was actually planning on anything and not in the midst of development…wouldn’t it have instantly reacted? Because it realized the ambush plan did not work?!
Nocht: Ah, but you cannot fault the author for inability to remember words in their own draft, they have more important things to do, like writing unfunny and hypocritical onsen destruction comedy.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 40
"We will find a way to pass the time," Rei replies.
The three Children had found a nice, secluded mountain grove to practice their "extracurricular studies". Shinji had already give Asuka a few private lessons on telepathy and telekinesis, but so far she had proven difficult to get into the proper mindset. She just could not achieve the proper emotional state to unlock her powers.
Sophia: Perhaps that is a sign that her powers lie in other places? Such as places remotely connected to her god in any way?
Wanderer2691: Yes, but that isn’t a problem Tzeentchji has a solution for, and thus, is verboten.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 410
She held back, she was hesitant when around Shinji. He could piss her off, but he could not push her to the depths of fury she needed, and neither he nor Rei could really help guide her. They could tell her how they focused, but she was ill suited to their cooler mentalities, so she had to find her own path.
Futaba: That’s a legit point! How’s this fic gonna ruin it?
So Shinji let Rei spar with Asuka and told her to really annoy her. Rei had begun by kissing Shinji on the cheek and then grabbing his butt.
Futaba: …I don’t know what I was expecting, though I suppose the entirety of this fic has been a Dead Dove Do Not Eat label for “fighting over Stu dick” being in this bag.
Emma: I know I talked before about how this fucking fanfic is unwilling to write polyamory in any way that would entail genuine attraction between women. This isn’t quite as personal as the last chapter, but it’s still deeply misogynist. It falls right back into the idea that women only ever see each other as rivals over a man, and that this desire for a man and competition with other women is the defining, most forceful emotion a woman can experience.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 296
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 132
That began a truly volcanic duel between the two of them with their wooden practice weapons. Rei had had a custom wooden sword made for her, an approximation of a weapon that was best described as an oversized butcher's cleaver. If actually made, the weapon would be slow, imprecise, and absurdly brutal.
Sophia: The forces of Nurgle are indiscriminate, true, in their use of chemical and plague weapons. They are not imprecise.
Wanderer2691: It took me a couple re-reads to realize that was Rei’s sword. While Plaguebearers, the Lesser Daemons of Nurgle, do wield oversized cleavers…
…they, as shown by the fact this guy is wielding it one-handed, aren’t clumsy with it. To say nothing of how they’re usually envenomed with whatever diseases Grampy Plague can think of, so even a nick is likely to be a casualty if not immediately addressed. “Imprecise” my ass, try “ruthlessly practical and gleefully inelegant.”
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 144
Rei was actually holding her own against the more experience melee combatant, but that was because she was willing to take hits Asuka wasn't. Already several of her teeth littered the ground, but she was regenerating them at a phenomenal rate, which only served to piss Asuka off even more.
Emma: Well, hey, that actually seems reasonably accurate. Stopped clocks, I guess.
Diego: Pretty much. Summarizing, Shinji is psychically scanning for the Angel and finding it hard due to their natural opacity to telepathy combined with him having no baseline, at which point Asuka tosses Rei telekinetically…and somehow doesn’t instantly die from enraged Khorne…
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 145
…And Mt. Asama blows its top to a massive psychic spike from Shamshel provoking an eruption, because somehow detonating an N2 mine that caused a bunch of hot springs to lose business left pressure.
Futaba: That’s…kind of a nitpick, if you’re already a psychic lava lobster flounder, you can put a lot more pressure in the lava. And the gag that it makes Asuka look victorious - telling rather then showing, of course - is worth a smirk. But then…
"Quiet you two. We have other things to worry about. I'm pretty sure the Eight Angel just woke up and he's pissed we didn't take the bait," Shinji says while beginning the trek back down to the base.
Emma: Or maybe it’s annoyed because you NUKED it? I still don’t know why this fic is assuming Sandalphon operates at any more than a wild-animal level.
Futaba: Yeah, in canon, it’s heavily implied Sandalphon is literally an infant - the sound of its roar is a distorted baby’s cry, and its attack on Unit-02 was just nibbling on something in its environment. A dangerous baby animal that would have sought Adam to initiate Third Impact, but it’s literally just a baby. Which makes Tzeentchji come off like an absolute fool given how Sandalphon was found as a fetus, and he never considered it might just be an egg.
Taion: But killing a dangerous animal means you outwitted something instinctual, as opposed to something impressive…according to this author that has never had to deal with an enraged animal or hunting for food, ever. And…were they literally outside of their Evas while waiting for it?! How daft can you get?!
DUMMY PLUGGED: 206
TALON ON THE SCALES: 41 (“Hey, we, the security guards, can play pinochle while on CCTV duty with our sidearms in a locker several feet aware from us after a burglary threat! We are intelligent and cautious and totally not being protected by the author to have a completely extraneous spar scene!”)
Nocht: Literal dereliction of duty aside, the fight is way more conventional, as Sandalphon uses lava from Asama as natural melta rounds and Unit 01 outfitted cryogenic freezers from afar in the reasonable belief that Sandalphon does not adapt as easily to the cold. The Evas use their AT Fields to wait out the initial frenzy of lava blasts, until…
And then what appeared to be an eyestalk emerged from the lake of lava and looked at them.
Futaba: Everyone gaped in horror as the completely different Angel joined Sandalphon, because as this cleaned-up image from the anime shows, Sandalphon does not have eyestalks.
(Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/evangelion/comments/12timr7/a_better_look_at_sandalphon_8th_angel_without/)
Emma: …That’s a Muppet.
Diego: I mean, you could call those horns eyestalks, but that isn’t what I think of as eyes, when the ones over its mouth have pupils. And if you think we’re kidding…
Asuka was about ready open fire when Shinji stopped her. At best they would damage the eye, which the Angel could simply regenerate at its leisure by diving back beneath the surface of the lava. They would wait.
Taion: These images of the Angel were also available during the publication of this fic, if I think correctly…so the fact it has eyes different from the horns was not something easily missed with any degree of care or patience.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 207
What emerged was nothing like what they were expecting. The reason that the lava lake had been rising was because the Angel was pushing up from underneath and was nearly as large as the caldera. Its body was hard to describe, as it was covered in a thick layer of molten rock that clung to it as armour, but the best general description was of a trilobite… the size of a small mountain… and covered in lava and yet unharmed.
Emma: A trilobite? A trilobite? Of all the Cambrian freaks to compare Sandalphon to, you pick a TRILOBITE???
(Source: Wikipedia)
Nocht: I suppose…there’s a kind of general body plan that is shared…but thrones to biscuits that Academia Nut only knows about trilobites when thinking of the Cambrian. And is, as noted, quite slack in his research.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 208 (Is this petty? Yes, but frankly, it’s part of the same lacking expertise and sheer arrogance about canon.)
Futaba: And that’s a shame because…Sandalphon is honestly done justice here. It uses the lava as both weapon and shield, and melts the rock around it so that it restocks while moving on its own personal slide, making a nice scary berserk timer - in fact, it’s actually allowed to get in a good couple hits on the Stu.
When his tumbling, crashing descent finished all that remained of Unit 01's left leg was a lava encrusted stump above the knee. Unit 02, which was closest to him, snatched the now immobilized Eva away from a descending leg that would have skewered it otherwise.
Sophia: *under her breath* Oh Changer of Ways, Weaver of all Fates, take this unworthy acolyte’s flesh as an offering from your true servants. Take this creature in his hubris, and let the tides of Your random chance eliminate his stain on Your glory. Amen.
"Are you okay Shinji?" Asuka asked.
Wincing over the phantom pain in his leg and the real pain from being thrown about his entry plug, Shinji says, "I'll survive."
Sporkers: DAMMIT!
Diego: This is why we don’t trust in Tzeentch to not be capricious…anyway, Sandalphon takes the opportunity to dig towards Tokyo-3 and Misato comes up with a new plan - freeze with the cryo-missiles, then melt with the hellfire missiles on Unit-02 before Rei blasts it with the positron rifle, hitting its exposed flesh - which as much as we kvetch about the AT Field, seems more plausible than getting close to the lava without protection. This works, provoking Sandalphon to try and burrow again, to gather more lava and become even more of a juggernaut with the magma it melts, and revealing its regeneration is quite fast - and according to a quick search I did on my phone, isn’t even a canon violation, as Sandalphon in canon was forcefed a coolant pipe to make it very fragile from heat contraction, this is Sandalphon with time to prepare and not given the full coolant blast. Asuka, the melee support as well as source of the hellfire missiles, thinks on it…
"We need to deliver an overwhelming blow point blank to it," Asuka notes.
"Okay, pull back and we'll rearm you all and try and come up with another plan of attack," Misato orders.
Asuka was pissed that this thing was just shrugging them off like this. There had to be some thing…
She suddenly had a moment of utter clarity, the world slowing down to a stand-still as her brain began to process events at a phenomenally fast rate. She suddenly discovered a new way of looking at things, her rage compressing in on itself from opaque coal into a crystal clear diamond.
Sophia: Too little, too late. This should have happened dozens of times already, and I’m not impressed that it only happens when Tzeentchji can’t be shown up by it.
Futaba: And can easily be described as Tzeentchji’s training. Objective, protect self-image from icky girls, achieved!
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 297
Wanderer2691: Ugh, in a scene that deserves to be in a better fic, Asuka goes full Berserker Mode and drives herself into Sandalphon’s forehead, a single quick, overwhelming strike that allows her to take her melta to Sandalphon’s core, chain-axing it out before Unit-02, both it and its pilot exhausted, stumbles out.
Setting the damaged Eva aside to let it cool, Unit 00 takes the ejected entry plug and sets it safely to the side while Unit 01 ejects its own plug so that Shinji can rush out to see Asuka.
Rather woozy from the adrenaline rush and the heat flush, Asuka totters out of her entry plug only for Shinji to slap her across the face and demand angrily, "What the fuck were you thinking?"
Emma: In isolation, I don’t think “anger from worry” going this far is completely terrible. But nothing in this fic is in isolation, so ewwww.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 298
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 411
"I… I did what I had to do, just like how you blew yourself up to take out Shamshel," Asuka says in a daze.
"It's called the 'Shinji Suicide Special' for a reason," Shinji points out angrily.
Grinning, Asuka replies, "Well they can call it the 'Soryu Suicide Special' now."
Diego: *Tzeentchji* “I know! And now I’m losing my imaginary sponsorship deals to a rival!”
Tears of fear, sadness, and happiness running down his face, Shinji finally just says, "Oh, screw it, just kiss me."
He then embraces Asuka tightly before grabbing her by the butt to lift her off the ground, her legs wrapping about his waist for extra support.
Nocht: You know, this would be quite sweet…if I did not know this image was soon to be ruined…
From Unit 00 Rei watches down over the two of them, and smiles. Shinji had told her long ago that he really thought of her in a sisterly sense, evidently his instincts were quite good at locating his own blood, and in truth she felt sisterly towards him too. The passion of romance was not something in her, although she did admit that now that he had awoken in her an emotional aspect she did long for him in ways she never would have thought of before.
Futaba: And that is how! Congrats, you’ve officially made me break my no-kinkshame rule, if you are using this to ‘heal’ Rei of her non-fuckableness for this fucked-up harem! GAG!
Emma: Imagine if it stayed here, instead of explicitly acknowledging they are blood related in a way that it makes sense to treat them as siblings… and then putting them in a relationship anyways.
Taion: Ah, but that would require some degree of proportion and taste, as opposed to this personal endless now of idle pleasure forever.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 299
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 133
It did not matter. Shinji was not replaceable like her, so his happiness took precedence, and he was clearly very happy at the moment. And as much as she had considered letting the berserker boil in her Eva so that she could take her place, Shinji's happiness was tied to Asuka's wellbeing at the moment.
Sophia: She’s being remarkably mature and controlled for a Nurgilite. Most Nurgilites would probably make this decision externally and then go off to wallow in their own misery and jealousy.
Nocht: And then turn being forever alone a mark of supposed pride in their own nature.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 146
At the moment. Things changed, fell apart, and people died. Rei could endure all those things, and she had the patience to see this through to the end.
She had infinite patience.
Diego: And infinitesimal awareness of own dogma, given how “things changing to my benefit” is a Tzeentch thing. Fitting given how Tzeentchji introduced you to Nurgle but again, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t stupid for him to recruit for his patron’s archrival in the first place.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 147
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 300 (Let us remind you this is over a MAAAAAAN.)
Futaba: And with that, the chapter ends! I’d say it’s been nice, but frankly, it’s be really insulting to all of us and-
Nocht: Next chapter.
Futaba: ….excuse me?
Nocht: We skipped over nearly a quarter of it, and I don’t like feeling like a mission is half-done unless it’s part of a larger strategic objective with multiple components - and at the rate things are getting worse? We won’t have much opportunity to do these grouped sporks. Next. Chapter.
Wanderer2691: And, well…it’ll be the halfway point…
Futaba: …Fuck it. I’ve endured so much already, one more can’t hurt! …Too much!
"You know, I'm considering coming up with a pamphlet," Shinji notes.
"Oh?" Asuka asks with a giggle.
"Yeah. I've been converting a lot people to Chaos lately that I figure some streamlining is in order, make things easier to handle," Shinji explains.
Futaba: … Hurts much.
Taion: This isn’t that awful, but given this fic’s idea of comedy, all we can feel when faced with light gags in it is dread.
"Two people are a lot?" Asuka asks.
"You and Rei? I would call both of you a lot to handle," Shinji says, receiving a playful whack upside the head.
"I'm a lot to handle?" Asuka asks in a dry, superior tone.
Cupping her breasts playfully, Shinji says, "Well yeah! I mean you're 14 and look how big you are already! You're already a lot to handle."
Wanderer2691: Example A - this paragraph.
Emma: Do not remind me of these character’s ages dammit.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 134
Whacking him playfully again, Asuka glares at him and says, "Oh, so you know this about Rei then?"
Laughing, Shinji kisses her and says, "You have me there!"
"Do I? Or is this all part of your master plan?" Asuka replies with a mischievous growl.
Tapping her on the side of the nose, Shinji says, "You never can tell with me, you never can tell."
Diego: True, so much is nonsense you claimed you meant to do after passing whim.
Giggling, Asuka returns the kiss and after a time asks curiously, "So what would this pamphlet be like?"
"I've already figured out the title. 'Chaos: Fuck Yeah!' I'm thinking it would feature a smiling, confident looking guy giving the reader an enthusiastic thumbs-up. Inside would be the various benefits of Chaos. Do you think I should start with talking about the lack of angst when you're with Chaos, or finish off with it?" Shinji asks.
Nocht: [Flat, glowering, utterly contemptuous stare of disgust]
Sophia: *Bursts into progressively more deranged cry-laughing* Oh, I haven’t felt that amused in millenia.
Diego: …Angron. Butcher’s Nails and the loss of everything he loved and cared about. Peturabo: tormented by feeling inadequate and his own shifting moods combined with being someone who enjoyed peaceful crafts forced into war eternal. Mortarion: Everything to do with his childhood and not having a sense of resolution over it. “Lack of angst” is Bull. Fucking. Shit.
Futaba: The author’s contempt for the core narrative themes of Eva shine brightly as solar radiation…
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 148
DUMMY PLUGGED: 209 (Because of whining that Eva is too angsty, in a psychological drama/horror series.)
"Hmm… when writing a persuasive argument, its best to finish with the most compelling argument," Asuka says in a pseudo-serious tone.
"Would having a hot girl sitting on your lap, her blouse open, making out with you count as the most compelling argument?" Shinji asks.
Sophia: Not a standard reward of Chaos. Not even Slaanesh, much past the first few weeks, since you’ll be bored with that pretty quickly.
Nocht: One that clearly sees her as a trophy - I’d ask about women drawn into your cult, but then again, I am aware of how deeply misogynistic as well as homophobic you are. You likely never considered it.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 301
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 412
Giggling again, Asuka replies, "Considering the fact that your converts so far have been girls, I would probably put that under 'fringe benefits'."
"Should I make 'access to the rich, handsome, stud Ikari Shinji' a benefit then?" Shinji asks.
Emma: It already boggles the mind that two people are interested in you. The amount of straight and bi women who are actually interested in “14 year old megalomaniacs with a superiority complex” is actually extremely low, even taking into account teens having bad taste.
Taion: Given what drove Leliel nearly into the bloody embrace of Wrath last chapter, I suspect the first sign of a true harem is sudden absence of any quality standards by women.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 135
Wanderer2691: [Checks ahead] …Jesus H. Christ, literally the next 509 words is dedicated to psychic-aided foreplay in the name of “Operation Asuka’s Boobies” as part of ‘training her telepathy.’ This is something I really don’t want to imagine 14-year-olds doing, all in favor of just scoring the whole thing with six point-
Sporkers: APPROVED.
Wanderer2691: Skipping ahead!
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 141
Rolling off her to give her some mobility to get dressed again, Shinji props his head up with one hand while running a finger lightly over Asuka's exposed belly, enjoying the feeling as her flesh goose pimples at his touch.
"You're still scared you know," Shinji says softly.
Diego: Ah Leng, here we go again…
Asuka wanted to say that she wasn't scared of anything, but she knew that Shinji knew her better than she knew herself. While she had made her life out of piloting Unit 02 up until meeting him, he had made his life out of knowing others.
Futaba: I mean, more dissecting others so that he could use them and, let’s be honest, train them to his specifications. But even putting aside the…entire planet of creepiness, this is once again showing Submissive Waifu Asuka, rather than someone who is literally being turbocharged, even subconsciously, by the God of Rage.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 302
Running his finger up to her sternum, Shinji leaned over and placed his head right between her breasts, his ear directly over her heart, enjoying the sound of her heart beating.
"This… this beats more strongly than it ever has now, the wounds finally fading away, but there are still scars there… I can hear it. The beat is not quite as sure and confident as it could be. When we touch, when we kiss, there is still a tremor of fear before you relax and enjoy the moment," Shinji tells her, his head rising and falling with her breathing.
Emma: Yeah, because some part of her is still aware enough to be scared of you.
Nocht: I had a partial mental cleanse both to allow Vindicare instincts to be inserted into my subconscious and to remove…something corrupt, it was taking my mind and that bit of myself had to be amputated to save the rest of me from its cancer, it was a miracle I could even be worked on. I have dealt with the Inquisition’s mental reprogrammers and interrogators of people they actively dislike. They are not this creepy at any time.
Futaba: Difference is that the Inquisition isn’t in it to get its kink on. Ostensibly.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 413
"I… I'm afraid that if I become attached to you, I'll lose you," Asuka admits, her voice trembling at it.
Diego: Removal of damaged and infected tissue to heal the rest is a fairly standard medical and gardening technique, and breaking away from a cult-based community or dogma is often traumatic during the experience. Just so you know…
"I would not fear that Asuka, for I promise you I shall always return to you," Shinji reassures her.
Wanderer2691: … I am so glad Lels isn’t here, he’d probably get sidetracked by his own William Afton joke into a tangential rant about Five Nights at Freddy’s just to avoid thinking about this…
"You can't promise that. No one can promise that," she says morosely.
"Remember that one of the selling points of Chaos is no angst and crap. I can promise you this Asuka that I will return from anything if it is to be back with you. If you should find my body broken and dead, then to whatever hell my soul travels I will find my way back to you," Shinji tells her.
Nocht: …he says, speaking as a worshiper of one of the capricious deities in a capricious pantheon. Literally any other Ruinous Power would have this as the closest thing they have to a love language; Tzeentch would have “all my plans are dedicated to being with you and ensuring that I do not become a liar.” Endurance and love beyond death is more akin to Nurgle or Slaanesh.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 149
"What if you end up in heaven?" She asks, tears starting to slide down her cheeks.
Turning his head to face her, he smiles and says, "No matter the surface trappings, any heaven would be a hell without you."
Futaba: [Gagging] Blech! Argh! Even if this was sincere, I’d be getting nice and snarky, even though I’d be mostly teasing! Given who it’s from, it’s wretched! Who’d you steal it from, Tzeentchji?
Half-laughing, half-sobbing, Asuka says, "Damned poetic idiot."
Diego: Clearly, the author is a fan, or at least convinced of his own original genius.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 304 (One for the prattle, one for sweeping it off her feet and marveling at its ‘poetry.’)
Smiling, Shinji says, "I promise you that I will find my way back to you. But do you know what would really help?"
"What?" Asuka asks.
"Fight. Fight for me. Fight for you. Fight for us. Your soul blazes with such fury and passion, is it any wonder I was attracted to you in the first place, like a moth to a candle? So long as you fight, I can guide my way by the light of your soul. Fight, it was what you were born for," Shinji tells her.
Taion: …And thus, the truth comes out. It’s making her his weapon and shield, nothing more. No real affection is involved, just control. Ashhead.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 414
"Have I told you I love you?" Asuka asks.
"Not in the past ten minutes," Shinji says with a grin.
"How can you be so awesome Shinji?" Asuka demands.
Wanderer2691: …the incredible ability to use punctuation when typing one-handed.
Rolling over and propping his chin on his hands, he says, "Confidence. Every step taken in confidence is a sure one."
"And how come you're so confident?" Asuka asks.
"Because I know I am strong; I am stronger and better than most other people on this planet, and that is not a statement made in arrogance but simple, cold hard fact. I do not overestimate my strength, but I know I have it, and that clears away so many existential problems. Most people never realize their own strengths, and thus underestimate themselves, and thus become timid and weak. I know my strengths and I know myself, and from there my confidence flows," Shinji tells her.
Nocht: All hands, drill! Number 74941 B, Handsign For Inherited Officer Position That Bribed Out Of Training! Readyyyy! And! … Together!
Diego: Catachans doing that as one must be a thing of beauty…
Emma: In any narrative written with a modicum of competence, this would be setting Tzeentchji up for a catastrophic fall. But this is a Stufic power fantasy, and the author thinks it’s interesting to have a character talk about how awesome he is, just so that can be the truth.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 415
TALON ON THE SCALES: 42 (Just for this being accurate.)
"And your weaknesses?" Asuka asks.
"My age, for people automatically treat me with less respect, but that is also an asset in the right situation. With each passing day that weakness fades away. My need to maintain the secrecy of my true abilities is another weakness. And then there is the fact that, beyond my initial intentions, there are now three very precious people in my life," Shinji tells her.
Sophia: So your weaknesses are something physical and out of your control which will naturally decrease with time, a control you have (allegedly) placed on yourself to serve your goals, and the existence of others who could be weaker than you. What a distinct lack of self-criticism and self-awareness.
Emma: *Very obviously trying not to laugh*
Nocht: [Clearly sharing Emma’s opinion.]
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 416
"They are?" Asuka asks, wanting to hear the words despite already know the answer.
"Misato-san, the mother I missed during my childhood, for all her terribly human flaws. Rei-san, the sister I never had, as much as she can annoy me at times. And you, the girl who I never knew I wanted to steal my heart. If anything ill were to ever happen to any of you, it would be bad," Shinji says with a smile.
Emma: The mother and sister YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 142
"How bad?" Asuka asks.
"Ah, so its more pillow talk you want now, is it? Well, first I would find those responsible and I would begin by… oh, let's say cutting their Achilles tendons so they can't get away. Then would begin the slow, methodical removal of limbs, inch by inch, each new wound being cauterized to avoid death by blood loss. By the end they would be skinless heads attached to torsos, eyes gouged out, noses cut off, tongues yanked free of mouths, lips sewn shut with rusty ten gauge wire, and tubes inserted to keep them alive and in pain. I would then probably conquer the world, or at least a large chunk of it, so as to build a suitably grand tribute to the loss, probably a pyramid to embarrass the ones in Egypt, only made out of the bodies of my enemies coated in resin to prevent decay and give better structural stability. This of course would be occurring while I try everything to undo the damage," Shinji describes vividly.
Wanderer2691: …okay, just gonna add a trigger warning…
Shivering in a mix of fear and pleasure, Asuka says, "Sweet talker."
Futaba: [Holding head] IT. NEVER. ENDS…
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 143
Sophia: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You want to please her with your vengeance? Heal her, and then let her do it herself. Let her unleash her rage and yours on all those who would harm you. Why would a Khornate be pleased at you taking her own bloody revenge?
Diego: Hell, just preface that with “assuming you are dead, and thus unable to be as creative as you.” Instant fix. But, instead…
Laughing, Shinji snuggles up close and says, "And that's just if someone cuts you off in traffic."
Wanderer2691: Holy shit Jobu is being subjected to an infinite amount of this if one of her alternates became a sporker…but yeah, and this is ‘romantic’, all of it. Because Wife Guy.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 304 (Asuka being sweet-talked successfully as a submissive waifu, and also this OTT flirtation.)
Holding him close, they enjoy the silence for a moment before Asuka asks, "Shinji… we love each other so much, and you are so confident, why don't you…"
Nocht: [Horror] … OH EMPEROR NO I’D NEED ANOTHER MIND-CLEANSE-
"Remember how I said that when I touch you, there is still fear there for just a split second? Well even if I have the confidence, you don't, not yet. I would not even dream of anything like that until I knew you were happy with who you were, and unafraid of facing the future. Because, if you weren't ready, I know it would hurt you, and I would be the source. And the last person I could ever forgive for hurting you is me," Shinji tells her.
Nocht: ACTUALLY MIND-CLEANSING IS FINE, JUST REMOVE THIS SCENE.
Futaba: “It’s not me, it’s you”?! “It’s your fear holding you back”?! I wasn’t aware the path of Chaos taught you the fine art of negging! Argh, and she’s literally trying to class into Heretic Honorable Blood Warrior, that is a seriously low blow!
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 417
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 144 (Again - young teenagers and this is being drooled over.)
For a moment Asuka wanted to ask what he would do if she asked him to go further, but she let the question die unasked. Shinji had his own warped sense of principles, of morality. She knew that if she asked him to kill a random stranger on the street, he would smile and ask "How?" but that even if she were to stab him in the heart from the back, he would never lift a finger against her. As he said, the three people precious to him were his weakness, and he would never hurt them.
Wanderer2691: Not where people could see the scars, anyway.
He would never hurt her, even if she asked him to. He might hit her, he might insult her, he might otherwise cause her physical or emotional harm, but he would never take that extra step to turn harm into hurt.
Emma: …Jesus Christ. So you acknowledge he will hit you, insult you, and otherwise harm you… but it doesn’t count as hurting you. Because he could do worse. Because he loves you, so he wouldn’t hurt you. This is just abuse apologism without any sort of fantasy covering.
Diego: …sometimes there is no excuse. We can’t make this funny. Just, fuck off, Tzeentchji,
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 418
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 145
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 305 (Because this is very normie abuse apologetic, too.)
So she asked another question.
"Shinji, if I asked you to stand up in the middle of class, bend me over my desk, and screw me in the butt, would you?" She asks as crudely as possible.
Hugging her tight, he says, "If you actually asked me to."
"I thought so," Asuka says while smiling warmly.
Nocht: [Bland smile] Disgusting.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 146
Shinji was a psychopathic monster at times. But he was her monster.
And slowly, she was turning her into his monster.
But damn it, it was better to be loved as monster than alone as a human.
Sophia: Something I would approve of and agree with, if it wasn’t for the fact you are doing it for his sake.
Nocht: And as someone who was made the Imperium’s monster - they were upfront what Vindicare conditioning was, and that by choosing that and mental cleanse over the Emperor’s Mercy, I’d be condemning myself for a lifetime of shadow wetwork and a terror weapon. I want to be respected for it, but I chose duty over rest - that was my price, along with knowing there’s some part of me that is a cold and alien killer. I am not tricking myself into thinking I enjoy being a monster for the sake of one particular person, I still have the capacity to recognize how different I am to have an opinion on me versus my past self, and free will - however narrowed. I can still choose whether or not to kill on my own assessment. This is just sick, and from what I was briefed on, Asuka losing what makes her distinct as a character as opposed to her wanting an equal, not a master, as a lover.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 147
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 305
DUMMY PLUGGED: 210
Wanderer2691: And…oh fuck. It’s this scene…
Rei had discovered something interesting over the past few weeks. As the smell from her apartment became more pungent, it had started drawing in animals. Despite being such a new city, Tokyo-3 had a well developed stray population, possibly related to the phenomenal rate of expansion.
Nocht’s Face:
Diego: The…Nurglite has pets being drawn in…?
Leliel’s Recording: [Crackles on with a mirthless laugh] Worse. Oh, so very much worse…
Sophia: [Checking the future] …It is exactly as bad as you think. Actually, it is probably worse, as the rejected berserker of Khorne implies. Hardly unknown to me, but…are any here traumatized by mass animal death by disease? I do understand Emma cannot spork this directly…
Wanderer2691: Yeah, no. This is gonna be too hot for Das_Sporking anyway, so… OBJECTION!:
[Scene cuts back to the sporkers after The Scene. Futaba is vomiting in a bucket.]
Futaba: [Retches into bucket] …wh-why? Why? Why?! WHY DO THAT WITH CATS?!
Nocht: [Stunned Silent] I became a Vindicare to deliver swift ends, not slow malingering torture.
Emma: Yeah, I… can’t really talk about cat death, beyond “medically necessary euthanasia”. It’s such a visceral trigger I’m relying on everyone else to confirm it’s over the top beyond my response. I can’t spork this in any way anyone would enjoy, is what I’m saying.
Taion: …I absolutely did not want to see any of this, not at all. In fact… [Readies paper bag]
Diego: …Unless it’s to support the lifecycle of a parasitoid like Cordyceps? Absolutely not, cruelty without a point is one of the few things that is truly an aberration, or at least should be. This is really close to that.
Wanderer2691: Welp, universal opinion - fuck no! So as to keep the sporking safe for both the comm and ourselves, basically Rei’s been inviting sick and dying cats (edit: and other animals, but the focus is cats) inside, allowed to do so because her growing Nurglite influence has scared off everyone else in the building with the omens of death. She also regularly takes the dead ones to the roof to feed a bunch of carrion crows, who under her influence have become viciously protective of the graveyard against things not about to die, including having killed a man who intruded on it and she discovered it later. She ponders his maggot-cleaned skull, and grumpily realizes she needs to bathe to remove the smell of death, but refuses to use soap in the shower - only to suddenly fall over in pain.
Taion: …because the stench got so overwhelming that her nostrils jumped over to throttle her brain. The end. [Pukes into bag.]
Nocht: We should also mention…this was all completely done in the nude. With those same dying cats rubbing themselves against her, along with the disease-tainted crows. I am so glad emotional control allows me to just see this without truly processing.
Wanderer2691: Seriously. For the sheer depravity of this scene alone, when combined with the character assassination of Rei in general… fifty points. With extreme prejudice!
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 197 (Even out of context, this is just disgusting. Even with the context of Nurgle, it’s still disgusting. You’d think this was just to make Rei alien - but later in the fic…)
Nocht: And to be honest…we received another memo from Leliel, to be opened after the Rooftop Graveyard of Pets. To put it here:
Leliel’s Note: “Yeah, sorry I wasn’t clear about that before - but we needed to establish the context for it. And to be honest - all of this is Nurgle’s thing, but once again, it’s shallow as fuck. It’s taking his visual thematics and assuming he’s Plague Inc.: Jolly God Edition, but this is ignoring how he’s also the lord of stagnation, and Rei isn’t even making an attempt to preserve their lives. Despite, once again, undeath being a Nurgle thing for a reason.
Diego: …that is actually a really good point. A real Nurglite would have taken those cats and started practicing biomancy on them to extend their lives to the extent possible, without curing them. This strikes me as confusing the venerable meme-website of 1d4chan for the actual lore, because the whole joke they have is that Nurgle is gross…
Futaba: While Rei’s powers haven’t advanced to that level yet, psychically, she is also a genetics and science hobbyist - not hard to respec into vet medicine, or at least try!
Sophia: While a Nurgilite might have to start at that level of refusing to perform mercy killings, any Nurgilite of any power would rapidly progress to extending life. More to the point… the worship of the Grandfather is disgusting. Of course it is. But this seems less like an honest look at that disgust, and more like shock value. At some point, you have to admit you are writing about the slow deaths of adorable domestic animals out of a childish desire to shock.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 211
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 150
Nocht: And…speaking of said graveyard…
Diego: Well. I can say that, at least, is Nurgle’s balliwick. A pocket shrine to him being composed of dead animals that are guarded by homicidal crows is reasonably defiled enough by nature to be considered a holy place. Yes, this is the kind of place that he or his cult would build, even if they were in some benign state and simply creating a pocket ecology of decay to observe…
…It’s the everything else, because the author has no ability to understand what he wrote!
Nocht: Let’s start with the obvious. Rei is attempting to clean herself of the rotted defilement that is Nurgle-touched carrion…with plain water. And it’s explicit she lets those same bordering-on-dead animals rub against her, with the smell of such clinging to them. And this cleans off the scent to not raise alarm bells. Without somehow disguising her smell through some psychic smell or mundane oils. Do I even need to say it’s groxshit?
TALON ON THE SCALES: 43
Diego: Next is that while NERV is neglectful, they aren’t blind - if residents are moving out of Rei’s apartment building at such speeds, especially if there’s reports of weird behavior in cats and birds - which they explicitly show, rabid cats become pacified around her, the crows become murderously territorial, and they even bring her new pets to add to the graveyard - NERV is going to check, because, I dunno, a possible Angel side effect of the hybrid if not an immensely subtle Angel attacking her?!
TALON ON THE SCALES: 44
Futaba: Oh yeah, that apartment block she’s in? It’s so dilapidated because it’s being demolished - it’s entirely possible that guy was a construction worker, in which case, whoop-de-doo, people gonna investigate, if they didn’t see the perpetual literal murder of crows or discover Mystery Roof X already!
TALON ON THE SCALES: 45
DUMMY PLUGGED: 212
Wanderer2691: And seeing as how she lets plagueridden crows nest on her when eating, she probably has a lot of diseases and other biological contaminants some screening is going to detect in the NERV labs, can’t forget that.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 46
DUMMY PLUGGED: 214
Sophia: And as one final issue - this implies this apartment building has been fully touched by the Grandfather and is now bursting in holy Rot. If so, then it should be showing more signs of His gifts of decay. Where is the rust? Where are the Warp-fed plants? Where is the, not to put too fine a point on it, meat?
(Source: Chaos Gate: Daemonhunters, https://www.goonhammer.com/chaos-gate-daemonhunters-the-goonhammer-review/)
Diego: Once he has laid claim to something, Nurgle is not subtle once he feels secure. He wants his Garden to cover as much of the cosmos as he can, and his influence starts cultivating it. I afford you, the Warp is dead here…but leaving aside how there are mysterious psyker powers anyway, this explicitly isn’t something Rei is doing intentionally, she just decided to start this experiment and voila, suddenly the animals were playing along. Along with, as noted, the miasma of doom driving everyone off. That’s Warp corruption, aka, Grandfather Nurgle’s influence, through her or something else. People will notice, or at least they would if the author’s own ego wasn’t an infinitely massive and dense singularity that draws all logic and coherence into it, to be crushed into nothingness!
TALON ON THE SCALES: 47
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 151
Wanderer2691: Ugh. That out of the way, we do get this palate cleanser.
They were sparring when it happened. One moment Shinji had caught a blow from Asuka and the next he was on the ground, clutching his head in agony, his whole body curling up automatically into the foetal position as he screamed, his whole body feeling like it was on fire.
Futaba: YES. SUFFER FOR US.
Taion: [Coughing, recovering] I swear, if he dies here, I’m gonna sign up for Chaos right here and now. I know that is unlikely, but a man can hope…
"Shinji!" Asuka cried out, dropping to his side.
Convulsing a few times, Shinji finally settled down, his face pulled gaunt by muscle spasms and his skin clammy and pale.
Nocht: Oh hey, he’s handsome now. [Shameless pale Nostroman grin.]
"Shinji! Shinji, what's wrong?" Asuka asks.
Huffing a few times, Shinji manages to get out, "An… An… Ang… Angel. It's an Angel. Psychic attack."
Emma: Huh, I thought we’d breached the fourth wall for a second there.
Wanderer2691: Go An-gel, go Ang-gel, go An-gel go!
Futaba: …huh…[Checks computer]
"Psychic attack? Why is it targeting you?" Asuka asks.
"It's not," Shinji says before convulsing again. Settling down a bit more, he says, "It's… it's disrupting the city's power grid. It's… it's like a flashbang going off in my face."
Futaba: …or someone had the same idea of killing Tzeentchji, because this Angel had nothing to do with that. Not posting on the spork ‘cuz arachnophobia triggers, but here’s Matarael’s wiki page: https://evangelion.fandom.com/wiki/Matarael
Diego: …honestly, I find it almost as cute as Sandalphon. It’s a big ball with big ol’ eyes. Or not, according to the page - the world’s most fashionable eye camo, actually.
Taion: And for those unwilling to see the big spider, the page also says the eyes are a reference to another work by the same director - Nadia: the Secret of Blue Water. And…
Nocht: [Narrows eyes] First: Throne-damned traitors, always making logistics a pain. Second: Hmmm. HMMMMMM.
Wanderer2691: Wow, this Angel’s plagiarized some work from some perfectly good human villains! Bad move, Spidey.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 215
"What? Why am I not affected?" Asuka asks.
Tensing up again, Shinji spasms violently for several seconds before he says, "You're not as well trained… and… ugh… blood for the blood god."
Diego: …as poorly explained as it is, Khorne does confer resistance to psychic powers, so, even if it isn’t involving a Collar of Khorne…okay. Fair point.
Nocht: Not so much the “not as well trained”, an unprepared psyker is more vulnerable to these strikes, for the same reason a bigger person is easier to hit - that is part of why psykers are the first targets for an intrusion from the Warp.
EXCOMMUNICAE CANONICUS: 152
Shinji jerked his head a few times until Asuka clued into the fact that he wasn't suffering spasms, but trying to point at something. Looking up, Asuka found he was pointing at a mirror, and she saw her reflection. The whites of her eyes were brilliant crimson and a thin trickle of blood was leaking from the outside corner of each eye.
Wanderer2691: …Okay, that’s fairly…
Dabbing at the blood, Asuka can only say, "Whoa."
Wanderer2691: That.
Diego: And lore-accurate. That is very much the kind of mutation you’d expect Khorne to gloweringly give his worshipers, with the painful-looking aspects being because he resents having to gift his chosen with strength, even though he knows they need and want them - that same hate of cowardice also comes with resentment of the fact that people can’t be empowered entirely by their own strength and expect to win.
Grunting again, Shinji says, "Listen… listen… Rei may or may not be affected… it… it doesn't matter. Get to NERV, get to… to… ugh… to your Eva. If… if you're lucky, Rei will be there with you… if… ah… if not… just… just kill the fuck…"
"What about you Shinji-chan?" Asuka asks desperately.
"Kill… kill… the Angel and… and I'll be fine," Shinji tells her.
"I'm not leaving you!" Asuka cries out.
Nocht: And, as much as this is a continuation of Asuka remaining the most lover-dependent Khornate heretic ever…
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 306
Nocht: This is sweet. Sweet enough, if a bit more lovey-dovey than I believe Asuka often is, but I’ve also been told she is like this around her crush Kaji, so eh. And it remains sweet, if cliche…until this line…
"Are… are you going to… to… give up because you're afraid? Are… are you going to let me… ah… suffer like this?" Shinji asks, glaring up at her.
Taion: …Interesting turn of phrase. Also: Fuck off, Tzeentchji.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 419
Futaba: Even when he’s being nice…it’s always me, me, me, meeeee. In another fic, I’d like this, but given how manipulative and self-centered he always is…it’s hard not to notice a pattern!
Taion: But in any case, Asuka takes off, finding the disoriented and nude Rei crawling to NERV to report, wounded from how she fell but otherwise coherent - which, from what I understand, is a distinctly Nurglite level of endurance, so, no issue, and it’s not like she had time or focus to dress. I don’t know why Asuka doesn’t smell her before she sees her, but that’d be double-counting if I cited that.
Emma: What, were you assuming… all that would have any sort of consequences or weight, instead of just existing to be edgy in and of itself?
"Listen First Child, we need to get to NERV, and… and I don't think I can find my way through the tunnels in the dark. Can you help me?" Asuka asks.
"Where is Shinji-kun?" Rei asks.
"In a worse state than you," Asuka says grimly.
"Alabama?" Rei asks.
Sporkers: [Flat stare]
Futaba: I don’t know where Alabama is or even why Americans like to crack dark jokes about it, and moreover, the Japanese division of the country into political areas are called prefectures.
Wanderer2691: The world, according to Academia Nut, for viewing not-quite-pleasure.
Emma: It’s a very American joke, and it’s also a pun that makes me go “hang on, aren’t all these characters speaking Japanese? Does that double meaning even exist?”
Diego: It really does not - puns really do not translate well, regardless if it’s from any language or to any language. Japanese especially, as a lot of them are based on kanji.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 216
Laughing darkly, Asuka shoulders her new load and begins walking, saying with dry sarcasm, "This is a perfect time for jokes."
Nocht: Well, in comparison to the rest of the fic, it’s no worse…
"I am afraid that in my current condition the only positive contribution to the situation I can make is jokes," Rei says.
"Then I stand by my previous statement," Asuka states wryly.
"You are in an uncharacteristically good mood today," Rei states.
"Making out with Shinji-kun tends to do that," Asuka says smugly.
Diego: [Long-suffering sigh as he closes his eyes.] I am so glad none of my Callings are Lover, my soul would have been shriveled by now with this farce…
Emma: Lest we spend a few paragraphs without being reminded that these characters revolve entirely around their relationships with the Stu.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 307
"What base did he get to?" Rei asks.
Taion: [Spits tea]
Futaba: …do you really want to think about that now?!
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 198
Pausing, Asuka glares at Rei across her shoulder and asks, "Why do you want to know?"
"I want to know if he got as far with you as you have with me. I believe you are already at second base," Rei says with a weak smile.
Nocht: Apparently. Also, somehow I doubt Rei lacks the discipline needed to focus on more pressing matters, like say the Angel psychically attacking her and glamouring the world into blaming it for the sabotage.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 199
DUMMY PLUGGED: 217
Shaking her head angrily, Asuka continues marching and says, "Shut it First Child."
"So it was at least second base. Clothing or no clothing," Rei inquires.
Wanderer2691: I want to remind everyone that she is nude, and saying this while covered in dying feline matter and diseased crow feathers while saying that. And is also 14.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 200
"I said shut it," Asuka says vehemently.
"No clothing. How scandalous," Rei says while closing her eyes and picturing herself enviously in Asuka's place.
Wanderer2691: Also that rooftop has a large maggot and other carrion-eating insect population she has been in close contact with. And is being all “cutely jealous” about this.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 201
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 308
"Are you trying to piss me off?" Asuka asks.
"We're at the station, aren't we?" Rei says.
Looking about, Asuka realizes that they are indeed at the transit station leading to the Geofront.
"What?" Asuka asks in amazement.
"You draw strength from your anger," Rei says with a shrug.
Diego: Apparently, strong enough to break canon, as spatial warping is a distinctly Tzeentchian technique. Either that or she put on a burst of speed without noticing, which is actually less plausible, because she’d be moving at Yog-knows-what kilometers per hour while having her spat with her passenger.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 152
Sophia: To minimize the irritation, the summary is that Asuka finds that without power, they require a door with a manual override, with the disorientated Rei serving as navigator as best she can, despite the psychic assault, concussion, and lacerations causing blood loss.
"Don't you dare die on me First Child," Asuka growls.
"Why?" Rei asks.
"A few reasons really. First of all, I still owe you for hauling me off Sandalphon," Asuka says.
"I did not do that for you. Shinji-kun would be sad if you perished, and I do not want him sad," Rei states.
Futaba: And no other reason, including ones like “I am linked to humanity” that don’t conflict with that, of course…
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 309
DUMMY PLUGGED: 218
Half-hissing, half-growling, Asuka says, "That's the second reason. You're one of three people precious to Shinji-kun. So I guess you're precious to me too."
"I… I'm precious to you?" Rei asks in a groggy sort of surprise.
Emma: Wow, this whole scene really encompasses everything I’ve been complaining about, doesn’t it? We had all that elaborate discussion about how Rei and Asuka have felt each other up, and have they made it to second base, and we briefly reached Rei comparing their relationship to Asuka’s and Shinji’s… but only on a physical level. The only emotional connection these characters, who are apparently being written as bi women, have, is based on the fact they have a Real relationship with a Man.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 311 (That's worth two points - one for making bisexuality subservient to Man-dom, and for it for being purely physical.)
"Only by proxy!" Asuka snaps. "Shinji would be furious if I left you to die."
"He would," Rei agrees.
Nocht: Ah, yes, it’s what he wants, of course. I’d say Tzeentch would be proud of his servant’s ability to make pawns, but I think he values initiative in actual cultists and peers, along with enough independence to consider usurpation. Keep the arch-heretic on his toes.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 312
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 153
"The third reason, and the most important, is that I still have no idea where I am, so if you pass out on me, we're both lost," Asuka states.
Grinning, Rei replies, "Pragmatic as always. Tell me, is Shinji-kun a good kisser?"
Wanderer2691:
Didn’t even get plain water and there’s blood joining that slime, by the way…
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 202
"What?" Asuka roars furiously, nearly dropping her cargo so that she could slug her.
The cry echoes throughout the tunnels for a moment before there was an unexpected cry back of "Asuka? Asuka is that you?"
Her eyelids fluttering, Rei smiles and says, "My voice doesn't carry as well as yours," before she faded away.
Futaba: And she did this instead of the Rei method of telling Asuka to scream loud because…because Academia Nut is a horny goblin, I guess.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 203
DUMMY PLUGGED: 219
"Damn it Rei!" Asuka cries out as her passenger goes quiet.
Light suddenly floods the end of the tunnel as people with flashlights begin searching for her. Rushing over to the technicians, she says, "Rei's hurt real bad."
Taking Rei's limp body, one of the technicians says, "Quick, you're almost to the Eva bays, there's an Angel approaching and…"
Diego: And promptly passed out from the smell that is clinging to Rei, but our dear author seems to have conveniently forgotten the moment it might pose a complication to the power fantasy.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 48
Pointing to her bloodied eyes and cheeks, Asuka says, "I know, it's the reason why the power's out, and why Rei is hurt and Shinji isn't here."
Futaba: Overhearing this, Fuyutsuki and Gendo looked at each other in confusion given how they realized it was human, then remembered what fic they’re in, sighed, and nodded along.
Recoiling in shock, the tech quickly shakes it off and points down a hall, saying, "Quick, get to the Evas!"
Rushing now that she was free of Rei's weight, Asuka quickly reaches the bays where the Evas are being manually prepared, with Ritsuko watching over them all.
"Asuka! Where's… oh my God, your face!" Ritsuko says in horror.
"Defence mechanism against the Angel I suppose. It's already incapacitated Shinji and Rei," Asuka states.
Taking in this fact, Ritsuko says quietly, "Of course! Clever bastards!" Shaking her head, she says, "Get in your plug suit, you have to stop this thing."
Taion: …well. You’re being awfully incurious about the fact there is blood in your pilot’s eyes and it is not troubling her at all.
Emma: Maybe writing a fic where your main characters are incognito worshippers of the least subtle gods from the least subtle setting ever was a bad idea?
Futaba: And Gendo isn’t helping out with the manual efforts, as he did in canon, showing his minorly redeeming aspect of courage and willingness to pull his weight. But of course, then he wouldn’t be the Scary Stu…
TALON ON THE SCALES: 49 (Ritsuko not caring enough to question this except as “side effect of the Angel” when in fact she’d be freaking out at potential mental contamination and making a note to check it later.)
DUMMY PLUGGED: 221 (Both that and Gendo’s mysterious absence.)
With the news that only one of the Evas could sortie reaching them, the crews quickly focus all efforts on Unit 02, which ironically was still being repaired from all the damage inflicted by diving into Sandalphon and then firing her melta point blank. Asuka hoped the bastard was using a lot of power to shut down the power grid otherwise she was going to be in for a world of hurt.
Screw thinking like that. This Angel made it personal by hurting Shinji; it's the one in for a world of hurt.
Nocht: Not a spot of concern for Rei, I’ve noticed. Or yourself. Just your man.
Emma: Well, he’s the only one that matters.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 313
Futaba: But, as fitting with Matarael being kind of a joke once the Evas got up and running, the fight is rather short. Unit-02 launches and crawls up the entry shaft, getting a faceful of the Angel’s main weapon, acid.
Nocht: Mood kindred, xenos beast. We despise being part of this as well.
Futaba: Obvious joke aside, Asuka activates what I guess is her true Khorne Berserk Mode for the first time and becomes so angry she suddenly becomes superhumanly perceptive and fast on the uptake, dodging where Matarael melted some nice stage hazards into the shaft and one-shotting it with her melta…which sounds impressive, until you realize Matarael, after its AT Field was neutralized, canonically was killed by conventional arms fire. It’s that squishy, and I can’t help but feel it was used as an armor against Asuka being chickified to a much worse degree than the intentional loss of competence to stress in the series…and completely missing the point, if not because our author actually likes the idea of Asuka always being weaker than THE MAAAAAAN.
Emma: Yeah, between that and her berserker rage being triggered by the thought of someone touching Shinji, this is pretty obviously the fic making sure Asuka’s not traditionally feminine aspects in battle are downplayed and made acceptable by tying them to “undying subservient devotion to a man”.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 314
The best description of what happened next was that Asuka "splashed" the target. This was to say that she "splashed" the target all across downtown Tokyo-3, the rounds designed for killing the armoured hides of Shamshel and Ramiel plunging into the Angel's soft body and detonating, transforming it into a substance typically described of as "chunky salsa".
Wanderer2691: Dammit why did we use the laughing rocks already…
Surprisingly, Asuka had no victory shout, merely a relieved sigh. Everyone was safe now.
Ritsuko passed her hand over Rei's eyes, shutting them forever.
Diego: [Sighing] If only you were allowed freedom from this…
Nocht: Right…she is a replicae - sorry, a clone, yes? And only one soul across her model. Unfortunate, the Emperor’s Mercy is indeed denied to her before Nurgle and the author sink their claws ever deeper.
"Does anyone else know?" Gendo asks quietly and menacingly.
Futaba: …uh, why? There’s hardly some ‘threat’ in it, Ritsuko is the one who caretakes the Rei tanks, and she’s the only one - it’s way more Gendo to be completely casual or monotone about it if he thinks the soul is safe. Or even mildly upset, because even knowing that he can just decant another Rei, he still burned his hands saving her.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 222
Diego: Ugh, this refusal to see the humanity in the other side, only the mythical enemy, is why I am glad to not be part of the Titanomachy. Anyway, Ritsuko admits she euthanized this particular incarnation of Rei, and can awaken her next body in an hour. She theorizes her recent personality changes is due to her semi-Angelic biology adapting to her mood stabilizing medication and - I’m sorry, are you implying her withdrawn nature was due to deliberate action by NERV?! WHAT?!
Nocht: Oh, that’s not offensive at all. “No, this attractive girl isn’t cold by nature or otherwise autistic or working partly off her internal xenos social cues, it’s just the drugs her masters slip her that make her alien!” Even if that wasn’t the case, it certainly seems as if it was pulled directly from Academia Nut’s rear, or at least that of his forum.
Wanderer2691: [Gritted teeth] It is. Rei has prescription drugs in her apartment, and Ritsuko later injects her with something that she says Rei needs to live. If you’re going to make Rei Nurglite, moron, maybe an early sign is no longer needing the literal and explicit life-saving medication to be stable?! Honestly, this was a common-ish fan theory, but Ritsuko has no reason to lie about this apart from “author massively hates Ritsuko”, and Rebuild makes it clear that yeah, these medications are meant to stop Rei melting into LCL due to her biology not agreeing with itself.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 223
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 315 (Because we all know this is also making it that can be fixed with the power of Stu Dick (™).)
Sophia: That…wonderful inference aside, Gendo asks for a full genetic reset, not knowing that the blessings of Chaos are on the soul, and…now that I speak it aloud, I am surprised Ritsuko is not wondering if Asuka’s own blessing is linked to Rei’s own uplifted biology.
Taion: Ah, but that would be too straightforward, and distract from the author continuing to grow this plot into a regular kudzu dedicated to his own imagined intellect.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 224 (She’d be curious and suspect a link just out of scientific rigor.)
TALON ON THE SCALES: 50
"Very well, take measures to ensure this does not happen with the new one," Gendo says before staring down at the dead body of Rei II. "I will dispose of this."
Futaba: Again - he saved her life. Even if he knows he’s going to boot up another hard drive for her software, he should be at least wincing at seeing her dead like this, or proud she was a soldier to the end even as she was slowly dying.
Emma: I feel like, even if it’s subconsciously, Academia Nut realizes that if he portrays Gendo’s (bizarre and ultimately harmful) genuine affection of Rei then Tzeentchji would have no leg to stand on.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 225
Nocht: And the next scene shows…actual competence in this writing.
I bet you will.
Unbeknownst to either the doctor or the commander, the giggling Reis in the tank all looked directly at them for just a moment, their blank expressions replaced by ones of intense curiosity and suspicion. The moment lasted for less than a full second.
Had Ritsuko bothered to check, she would have discovered that all the Reis had developed a complete immunity to all hostile pharmaceuticals sometime in the past few hours, sometime after Rei II passed on.
Any attempt to kill the now completely cognizant, if still mostly non-sapient clones, would have ended… messily.
Sophia: Ah. You’ve finally fumbled your way to the truth of the Plaguefather. Wonderful.
Futaba: [Shivers] Creepy…I love it. Really shows just how eldritch and subtle Chaotic influence can be, as well as how crafty. Neat, and it makes sense, given how, well, they’re her clones. They’re linked, and they’re meant to be vessels for her, including a place she can slot her soul in, this isn’t even stepping outside of canon. As Sophia says, Chaos is in the soul.
Wanderer2691: …which naturally, begs the question why we had to end on this scene instead!
Several hours later at the very depths of Terminal Dogma, so deep down no one would have ever found anything, something skulked up to the broken, rag doll form of Rei II, dismissively tossed into the depths.
Futaba: As opposed to dissolving into LCL, which is both easier to hide and is what canonically happens to her dead bodies. (EDIT: This wasn't explicit until Rebuild, admittedly, but Ritsuko herself mentions they're bodily stabilizers and we saw her clones dissolve when Ritsuko did destroy them - so, we're gonna keep these points, as we're assuming that it's true for OG Rei too - and because that then runs into "why isn't there a system to dispose of Rei's bodies, particularly in Japan, Cremation Capital of the World for many reasons" even if they don't dissolve.)
DUMMY PLUGGED: 226
TALON ON THE SCALES: 51
Pale, delicate hands grasped the body and hauled it into a more easily accessed location, before grasping the shattered remains of the neck and pulling.
Taion: …is this going to be…
With a wet, meaty sucking sound, the head separated from the body.
Taion: …it is. [Moans, sinks into chair]
Wanderer2691: I had to ask the real-life Leliel if this was bodily mutilation or a euphemism for oral sex. What is this fic, and what is it doing to me…?
Futaba: [Slinks back, whimpers] You know you reached rock bottom when this Suethor is so down bad that the distinction in intent is academic.
Leliel’s Recording: Oh, noooo… [Almost-audible grin] We didn’t even come close to rock bottom, yet…
Holding it up by the greasy, blood stained hair, Rei looks at her own face and grins. This would make the beginning of what could very well be a very interesting collection.
Sporkers:
Diego: [Slow, sarcastic applause] Brah-voh. Thrilling. Absolutely stunning, your ability to apply to a low-budget horror movie is riveting. I mean, not at all what Nurgle worshipers would do, they’d prefer something more degradable, and skulls are a Khorne thing, but what do I know? I kneel before Stinky Crazy Yandere GF.
Emma: But it’s got DEAD THINGS, Diego! Isn’t that ENOUGH?
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 204
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 154
Taion: Nghh…Futaba, may you please sit in on the next one? I think everyone was exhausted by that…rooftop.
Nocht: I will be happy to volunteer to remain for that. I am eager to meet this “Leliel” as well as “Shinobu.” Diego had his own two-spork-long session, and I may serve as an expert on…well, a universe similar to mine.
Futaba: [Moaning sounds] Like I have a choice, then…
Wanderer2691: Yeah. Join us next time, for baddies that exist to be steamrolled over for the Awesome, more disgust, and one of the most wasted Angel fights in this entire fic, and only because of what comes at the time skip!
Meanwhile, Somewhere Across the Seas of Tindalos
Timeline TTS-323 (Xothian Classification)
Calixis Sector, Malfi Orbit, Surface of Bosola (Moon)
The first sign something in the Dark Eldar’s plan to punish Malfi’s liberators for their temerity that was available to the majority of the species had gone very wrong was the whispering.
The first sign available to any was their leading Haemonculus waking from his recuperation tank to see a single plain letter in mechanical autoquill typeface taped to its front, along with a distinctive card:
To the incurious coward Izentrion Crach, the devouring patriarch of Desecration,
You have spent centuries sinking further and further into your own ego, ignoring the growing corruption of yourself and your entire species. Even when She Who Thirsts awoke, you convinced yourself it was an evolution rather than a sentence of extinction, even as your parents and children died under the blades of others and later yourself to create living armor between you and your fear. Your desire for a family that would love you even as you twisted and used them made you less than the insects you claim to so admire, for insects are capable of altruism and proportion. You are the Fall of the Eldar made flesh, a cruel and scared child play-acting at being an adult artist who thinks his work speaks of anything except his lack of taste and need to be respected without actually having anything meaningful to say. Within one turn of Malfi, we will have snuck past that warped armor you are so proud of and force you to see what you have become even by your own warped standards, and all your kind will hear you renounce the path of the Dark Kin, as you will no longer have the Heart that lets you ignore the conscience you claim to have become more than.
Signed and smithed,
The Phantom Thieves of Hearts.
He couldn’t help but read it. The fact someone had snuck into his own chambers simply to tape a notice to the front of his bed, along with the existence of things he himself had consciously suppressed to hide potential weaknesses, paralyzed him within it.
Even as he furiously took his wasps to some convenient mon-keigh, creativity lost in a need to establish who was the master of the ship and Coven, a thin, reedy voice that sounded like a much younger, much less enhanced version of himself hissed in the furious terror of a cornered animal. “If what I make is armor, then their still-living faces will make a wonderful radiation shield. How dare they claim to understand the Fall, and what you had to become to even live…!?”
But if anyone in the Coven of the Tyrant Hive noticed the notoriously aloof Haemonculus and his eccentric tendencies, let alone the attached forces from the aerial Kabal of the Flayed Skull, they did not bring them up out of disinterest or fear of reprisal, likely both. So it was the whispers.
Given how obsessed the Drukhari were with the control of their slaves, it was really a testament to their contemptuous overconfident laziness that they did not recognize the echoes of alien susurrus that echoed through each of their voidcraft: Ia…Ia…xata Kl’neer…fhataghn ris…
Ever since they were in orbit, the most ‘prime’ slaves - the ones who didn’t break instantly, the ones the Dark Kin took their time with to see if they could - and the most trained - the ones who were forced to bow early out of concern for others - would sing it to themselves to whether the blows and the work, which their masters would only hear if they bothered to listen to the pained muttering. Had they spared a minute more, they would have realized that the slaves also grew…stoic, as they heard it. Not stronger, they wailed in the same pain as they lost control of their voice, but the whimpering and hateful glares ceased, becoming more calm, withdrawn…anticipatory. Waiting for some signal, and grinning darkly when they were sure the Drukhari weren’t looking. And not just the humans, although they were the vast majority of the Coven’s herd - and they did not notice the pain engines, those cybernetic tortured monsters born of slaves forced by automatic machines of pain to serve their mutilators sharing the grins secretly, certainly.
So when the whispers began, every Drukhari paused in confusion, for two seconds just as they were about to drop Mimic Fields.
Two seconds was all the Raven Guard needed.
The “mined-out asteroids” drifting close to the disguised Drukhari ships detonated with the force of nova cannons as the masses of mines the Nineteenth went off, and Vanguard Marines stepped out of pockets in space the forming cults of Kleiner, the Guide At The Threshold, Blinder Through Knowledge of the Eastern Watcher, and Custodian of the Current, had helped hide them in (and with the young Elder God himself having turned his considerable charisma convincing them to trust him and his pro-human intentions) and striking many important Drukhari before they even realized what was going on. The Salamander fleet they had “snuck past” wheeled around and started pounding what few vessels the Ravens hadn’t infiltrated, due to relative lack of slaves, and on the surface of Bosola, strange newly-built pyramids suddenly glowed with starlight and released great beasts between bird and back, screeching with sound that traveled across the void as they fell upon Crach’s flagship, the Dying Sun-class battleship Idiobiont Empress.
Soon, other things came out of the stasis-pockets the Marines hit in, strange blocky creatures that resembled broken statues made of slate, marble, and weather-scarred flesh, from ambulant limbs to semi-damaged figures whose lack of feet did not slow their motion. All of them sang that whisper, now revealed to be a choir in a language none in the universe or even the Warp had heard, chanting anon even as they carved through the confused and panicked Drukhari.
But it was not the Gargoyles of the Threshold Wall that told the Dark Eldar you cannot win this fight.
Nor was it the shantanks making shipfall on the Empress with minimum casualties, the guns and escort too panicked to notice the swarming space birds.
Nor was it the majority of the pain engines on the afflicted ships turning on their keepers as one, the last expression on many a Wych, Wrack, or Beastmaster’s decapitated head being one of utter bafflement, not understanding why the engine seemed to not be accepting commands, and the loyal ones being left alone until mute spirits of froglike beings came to them and signed she loves you to them, causing them to join the revolt of their renewed will.
Nor was it when the more panic-prone ships retreated to the Webway, only for the glow of the opening Warpgates to not be purple or bluish-white, but glittering yellow and gold, and shortly thereafter the last anyone ever heard of those crews (but not the slaves that came with them) was a mysterious message cordially inviting all to Carcosa to watch a newly inspired play based on the fundamental paradoxes and emptiness of Commorragh life and politics.
No, that was when the Empress…stopped shooting.
And then gave the order to surrender for sentencing and interrogation by the Imperium and its Last Redoubt auxiliaries. “We are but cruel children,” the hollow voice of what was once the Haemonculus Master Crach came. “And it’s time we learned discipline.”
In that moment, every one of the Dusk Wraiths remembered the “paltry mon-keigh psychic trick” that had been pulled on their old pawn.
And realized: they, the supposed eternal masters of the galaxy, were not immune, and weaker than the humans.
A majority of Drukhari casualties were actually inflicted by actions caused by other Drukhari, turning on each other in a mad frenzy to escape having everything that was Drukhari about them removed, leaving shivering, guilty eldar youths in their place (and refusing to question why they suspected it), and upon realizing the Webway was interdicted, to Malfi itself - right through the Salamanders’ guns. The artfulness, the confidence, the spectacle of violence was lost, Wyches fighting with quick fists instead of chains, Incubi abandoning their posts and armor to move faster, and the shadow-swords of Mandrakes left discarded in the hulls in the mad rush - there was no sport or even their hunger for pain anymore - now they were but scared beasts in a trap, and acted like such, fleeing from the hunters they thought were prey - even if it was deeper into the territory of the predators, scared beasts did not think that far, something the omnivorous and cunning endurance runners that humans were at their most primal selves were all too aware of.
Not Crach though.
Crach simply activated what auto-controls he could without his fleeing Wracks, set the Empress into docked orbit around Bosola, took his own personal craft to its surface, and…waited.
The luxury shuttle was almost as great a small hab-block, and had its own pocket life support good for days…and now, devoid of screams or much sign of life except for its master staring at the destruction above him, eyes devoid of anything except a dull horror, slumped into the bridge and almost a corpse himself apart from his long, low breaths, just enough left to keep his body going to fully process the monster he became, the monster he made of the world around him - and that it wasn’t worth it. None of it was.
There was, however, something unliving, splendid, and not at all upset with the proceedings, only that he was not able to capture this battle in a temporal pocket in its entirety, languidly making his way to the bridge to savor the sensation of truly novel finds for as long as possible.
(Source: Magic: The Gathering)
Even when he heard the gentle steps of organic feet in artificial civilian-grade leather carried across in artificially purified air, Trazyn the Infinite did not break out of his sublimed trance, watching the days-long aftermath of a truly monumental disaster, and the truly artful trap fully closing, before him, for a good few seconds. The owner of the steps patiently waited for him to come out.
“Records indicate an Astartes would be wearing power armor,” he said, finally. “But that sort of statement is likely to be bordering on offensive to your intellect. That make of leather, from its frequency, has not been manufactured for millennia and the composure of the sound waves, the make of shoe has been forgotten for longer than that. You also have not drawn weapons on me, though I suspect a silent escort, and you allowing me to experience this - I sincerely give my thanks for that, while we are on the subject - so I believe your intentions are for an alliance. Which means that this imminent battle was brought to my attention to both draw me out and to put me in a mood open to negotiation, and you are likely the cause for turning Crach into a most spectacular subject, and likely one of the sources of these odd xenos allies to an Imperium that supposedly rejects them. What kind of Archaeovist do you think I am, and how did you develop such an accurate picture?”
“A really intense lorehound,” Shinobu said as the Necron Overlord turned to face the two of them. “Shinobu Hattori and Ambrose Kleiner, by the way.”
The abstract shapes of the stones assembled into the vague outline of a man in a robe bowed. “It is a pleasure to meet a fellow scholar of history and the sciences,” the figure ground in a voice that was somehow completely understandable despite being made of grinding stones and speaking in a completely unfamiliar language, not something Trazyn was used to at all.
This did not dim his enthusiasm in the slightest. “...I am truly sorry, but I have to ask - would you be remiss to being in an exhibit? I would normally not ask, but you have already brought something truly unique to me, and so I do feel a bit impolite to take more without asking.”
“Uh, got kind of a life outside there, thanks,” a slightly shaken Shinobu said. “And…yes, we need your help,” he said, holding out a USB.
“...remarkable,” Trazyn said, taking it as his mechanical eyes lit up with digital scanners. “This is new! Are you, perhaps, temporally displaced? It would certainly explain…the…shoe…”
A Necron’s face did not have expressions that could be described as “smiling” or “not”, but it did not take a genius to realize if he could, he’d be having one that was vanishing.
“...Oh,” he said, finally. “Oh, that is not good at all. The amount of historiography and primary source bias alone…” He shook his head. “We will negotiate payment later, in a more formal setting. But you have my full attention and interest. Though, this does explain why that particular symbol is here,” he said, pointing to an odd design over Crach’s throne, one that looked almost like the design of the sigil of the Tyrant Hive.
One Shinobu recognized:
Shinobu blinked. “...why is an alien using kanji?”
“If my temporal sensors are correct…Cranch’s importance might well be the product of a temporal warp himself,” Trazyn said, casually. “It has been known to happen…I suspected he might have seen the kanji for ‘honeybee’ and did not want to admit he stole it from a lesser species as inspiration. Kleiner, my sensors indicate agitation, why are you…” He trailed off. “You know this sigil. You know something of who it indicates.”
“Ichiro…what are you doing…?”, Ambrose muttered to himself. “And if you know what we’re seeking, why are you putting your descendants at risk…? …as much as it violates dramatic convention,” he said after a second, “I know the kanji as the personal symbol of one Ukai Ichiro - the founder of the Last Redoubt’s archrivals, the Tsan-Chan. Turned the Elder God version of Divis Julius.”
Shinobu blinked. “As in, the Cruel Empire of the Tsan-Chan? …wait, isn’t that name Chinese?”
“It is, but Ukai was a better sociologist than he was an archeologist, and besides, he lived hundreds of years after China and Japan ceased to be discrete political entities.” Ambrose shrugged. “He based it off Confucianism, romanticized ideas of bushido, and a surface-level reading of Nietzsche. The sheer torture of some of its mystical science is matched only by his treatment of his sources.” He shook his head. “But I digress. Trazyn, what do you know of biotransference?”
The imaginary grin would have returned. “...I will explain it on the way to my ship.”
[Mobile Caution: Some images and gifs]
[Link to Das Sporking]
[Cut to sporking chamber, which has redoubled wards, and an entire new section even farther away from Sophia]
Nocht: [Mask off, revealing extremely pale, vampire-like individual] You’re absolutely sure, right? No corruption, or at least minimum, is going to seep over, yes?
Diego: To the extent I and Ambrose were able to Chaos-proof, yes.
Nocht: And she is bound to not find ways around it?
Sophia: That was the terms of a most generous pact with the hosts, that is correct.
Nocht: And there’s monitoring systems in place?
Futaba: [Thumbs-up] Thing of beauty.
Nocht: [Slightly calmer, but hand still resting on pistol nervously] …I suppose that’ll suffice. Come the Apocalypse…
Taion: I would ask why it is there needs to be so many precautions…but I saw the log of the last spork. I must admit, that rage was rather impressive, as was the mental effects…
Wanderer2691: Yeah - my human co-sporker is currently relaxing in the holiest resort world possible after the anime filler nearly made him pick up the hobby of skull collecting; through the power of dimensional contrivance-er, resonance, meet his new second, Kyriotes Nocht, Vindicare Assassin of an Imperium where all the loyalist Primarchs in the more known Warhammer 40K universe were traitors, and all traitors loyalists, also to provide some military commentary.
Nocht: And that is something I am needed for. Sweet Throne, this setting…I actually feel embarrassed on behalf of the Archenemy you read this…
Diego: [Looks up notes from Leliel] According to the astropathic memo, apparently Nocht is by much of canon not supposed to exist. Vindicare Assassins like him are supposed to have been raised from childhood to be the perfect snipers, and only have a vocabulary of war-related words. However, Dark Heresy has a ‘prestige class’ wherein fully adult sharpshooters are recruited, and it is official Games Workshop policy that a lot of Warhammer lore is Imperial propaganda and temporal anomalies exist in the Warp, so any lore contradiction is in-universe the lies and timelines not coordinating themselves. Also, that the idea that a vocabulary meant entirely for war is, and I quote, ‘fucking dumb’, and so he headcanons that there are plenty of Assassins from all Temples recruited in adulthood, with their rearing in the creches being ‘declassified’, which given how secretive and need-to-know the Temples are to begin with, is a lie nobody can catch them in. There are plenty of actual hidden apprentices the new recruits can hide in.
Nocht: Yeah, I fully admit to guilt here. Really, any attache to the Space Marines is likely gonna need to be what my mentor called a ‘false child’, because, well, we actually have our own personalities and can actually understand the philosophies of the Astartes we’re trying to help. Night Lords in my universe believe in terror tactics as part of a precise, collateral-conscious form of war - and so an Assassin taking out high-value targets sows confusion and breaks down morale, maximizing the ability to defeat the opponent quickly, thus minimizing collateral. So, I needed to be able to recognize what targets are high value - and just as importantly, when one’s a disposable patsy rather than an actual officer or organizing force, always important when one deals with rebels. Warp, I actually shot a non-heretical Planetary Governor once…because she was such a prick that the cult we were after organized largely as a corruption of an entirely legitimate rebellion against her incompetent bullying masquerading as ‘hardness.’ Me getting her both removed a rallying point and made the non-corrupt sections of the rebellion realize we didn’t want to be their enemies.
Futaba: Yet, I can’t help but feel that, given the Imperium, you still declared them traitors…you guys don’t really lose aggro against rebels.
Nocht: We were able to blackmail the Arbites into just executing the original leaders for unknowing cooperation with the Archenemy, and not using proper channels, but…yeah, I’m not going to insult anyone’s intelligence and claim everything was great. We failed those people long before Chaos became a factor, and it’s a miracle we were able to save most of their families from the Lex Imperialis. But, just to be clear - the only reason I’m working with this dark echo of Lord Lorgar is because I know that whatever happened to her to make her a strong believer in any religion, let alone the Ruinous Powers, didn’t seem to take her faith and amicability. Honestly, it’s unsettling.
Sophia: Ah, yes, the blinkered farmboy, ignorant to the glories of the warp. I pity him.
Nocht: Matter of much perspective on that; he seems to have had better foster parents, for one. But, I digress. This…thing, whatever he is, poses a threat to both us and Chaos if he starts trying to expand beyond his misbegotten universe, because he’s that toxic a person. I’ve been mentally enticed by Slaaneshi daemons before with images of myself as some kind of mythical huntsman who is regarded with awe and respect for his skill with a gun rather than an unfortunate necessity whose successes are suppressed and failures scapegoated…and I think that version of me would be someone this fethhead would regard as a threat to his masculinity. That Nocht prized his independence and ability to attract paramours through his skill and fame, after all…primarily beautiful men. Can’t have rivals who don’t even have women as their first choice showing you up, oh no…
Wanderer2691: Hoo boy, you are going to feel really sorry for Kaji and Kowaru, when we get there…
Chapter 9
Futaba: And we start off with a…bit of a note.
To those of you commenting about the tense thing, I know about it and I try and avoid it, but it is endemic to the way I write and it can be impossible at times for me to see the tense shifts, even if they're in the same sentence. Just part of the warped way my brain works at times.
Taion: This honestly is not worth critiquing. Tense changes are obnoxious, but easy to miss - and can be ignored, at least in the opinion of Leliel. I would recommend running a grammar check before posting, however.
Emma: In my opinion it’s completely unacceptable and I only haven’t been harping on it because I can’t make it funny. Get a beta. Learn to proofread.
Futaba: It is also a testament to being kind of defensive about your work, though - “I can’t help it, and if you have a problem, it’s this not my problem.” You didn’t need that last line - is this a stretch? Yep, but I’m not exactly in a forgiving mood after seeing how relieved Kage was to dive into a Palace of a Drukhari.
Nocht: [Sudden look of dread] … It’s always worse than you anticipated…
The mortification the two of them experienced after Misato gave them 'The Talk' in the morning lasted for days, especially since Misato was so cheerfully nonchalant about the whole thing and seemed completely unashamed about the explicitness of her explanations.
Nocht: …far worse…
Wanderer2691: Well that didn’t take long before the “hue hue Misato horny” alleged jokes! I admit, she’d probably do that - but frankly, it’s part of a pretty bad pattern that says this is all she is, so…
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 290
They had only been able to stare in mute horror as she showed them where her stash of condoms was located before she proceeded to give a demonstration on how to actually put one on using a banana as reference.
Diego: I’m torn. On the one hand, seriously? But on the other, I can see a perpetual teenager doing this…
Futaba: I’m not. There’s a difference between Misato being immature and her not taking what needs to be serious…well, seriously. Hell, if she thinks Asuka and Shinji have something productive, I can see her going into fullscale attempts to make sure their relationship works to an embarrassing degree. And yeah, that means using something other than a banana, which is…yeah, we can see the pervy author…
Emma: To be fair, most sex ed demonstrations do use a banana (Unless you live in Canada, because this happened).
DUMMY PLUGGED: 185
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 129
Their protests of "Too much information!" went on deaf ears, and even seemed to egg Misato on. When she started giving tips they had simply run screaming from the apartment, holding their ears.
Diego: And this is something I am calling bullshit on, we’ve seen them being plenty sexually mature last chapter, the author just conveniently forgot for the sake of alleged humor.
Taion: And of course, ties into this fic’s attitude towards sex and romance, which is suspiciously conventional and supposedly mortifying for followers of a pantheon that includes a deity of perversion…
Emma: Yeah, the fic’s attitudes towards sex and romance are gross and creepy, but they’re gross and creepy in an extremely normie way.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 291
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 130
When they finally stopped running, Shinji could only mutter, "That woman is worse than a Keeper of Secrets I tell you."
Nocht: …you cannot be serious right now.
Sophia: I would laugh at your naivete towards the Great Sea and its denizens, but to be honest I believe you may possess more sense of proportion in your trigger finger’s nail than Tzeentchji has in his whole body…
"Keeper of Secrets?" Asuka asks while trying to regain her breath next to him.
"Oh, just a mythological creature from my religion, a servant of one of the gods," Shinji explains. "A Keeper of Secrets knows what you want, and can tell you how to get it… for a price."
Nocht: This has about as much accuracy as a child drawing a sword has with an actual Astartes-class combat knife. They can do that - but they are also called that because they know everything about you, especially the parts you wish to keep secret, along with a nearly infinite degree of finer combat techniques, arts, practical knowledge, good dining…point is, reducing them to tempters is suicidally moronic even for a Slaaneshi. They may be the least fight-ready of Greater Daemons as a rule, but that’s praise with faint insult.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 117
"That sounds… almost like a demon," Asuka says.
Snickering, "Oh, but the lines betweens daemons and angels are ever so thin. We fight and kill the Angels, so would that not make us the daemons? Besides, things always have a price in life. Every god demands worship, and why should the costs not be explicitly spelled out? There is faith and then there is foolishness."
Sophia: [Smiling] Please carve out your own tongue for despoiling those sayings for your own personal gain and greater control over her.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 399
Asuka shuddered at Shinji's cold, callousness, and she asked, "What did we just pay for back there then?"
"Well, we clearly lost a small portion of our sanity back there.
Wanderer2691: Along with long-term memory, given Mr. So Turned On Right Now from the last chapter is saying this.
What we gained, I suppose, was a measure of knowledge and safety. Misato… she truly loves and cares for us; she just has a great deal of trouble expressing it appropriately.
Futaba: Not the way you’re claiming, trash mob! Once again, she’s the onee-chan deconstruction, not the sex maniac deconstruction!
Emma: I would submit that trying to give you full sex education is probably the best option compared to just letting you go at it or “leave room for Jesus” style abstinence.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 186
She is the sort of person that when she sees a challenge she throws herself head-first at it and damn the consequences," Shinji explains.
Taion: First, how was that “throwing yourself at a challenge head-first” what we saw instead of titillation, and second, your attempts to retcon her into being more in the lines of the Dark Prince are neither unnoticed or accepted. It’s still presenting them as being primarily about sensual pleasure to the exclusion of other factors.
Sophia: Yes, that is a trait that leads to the worship of She who Thirsts. You have managed to get that correct. It would be more praiseworthy if you were not applying it to a woman who appears to have adjusted to living in any horrible circumstance because trying to fix it would open her up to too much pain.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 118
Sniffing, Asuka says, "I really didn't need to know all that."
Smirking, Shinji points out, "Says the girl who snuck into my room last night to make out. In a way though, I think she is the one being the most mature about this."
Nocht: Certainly more than the author, or you yourself, you responsibility-dodging twit.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 400
Wanderer2691: Skipping ahead through what’s mostly just more of the same, Asuka protests the banana was a bit much, but Shinji does point out she recognizes the two of them are roommates, and unlike certain biological parents of an Ikari, actually is trying to take responsibility. Asuka changes the subject to the Dark Gods themselves…hoo boy...
After a few moments of silence, Asuka asks curiously, "So what god would have a… Keeper of Secrets… as a servant?"
"Slaanesh, Prince of Pleasure, although like all the gods in the pantheon, they are many things.
Futaba: Somehow, I think this fic will forget this pronoun in…the same chapter. Place your bets…
A being of intense sensuality, it must be pointed out that there are many forms of pleasure, of sensation. Slaanesh embodies everything from a passionate kiss to the warm feeling of satisfaction an artist gets upon completion of a great work. It is easier for those who do not understand to become lost in the surface aspects of hedonism and dismiss Slaanesh as a corrupt, decadent being. The core of Slaanesh though is to attain perfection. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, these are merely steps on a path," Shinji explains.
Diego: And for you and your author, it is clearly sex, sex, and more sex. Since when have you or the author cared about any of that apart from lust and some idea of a cosmic party animal? … Come to think of it, where’s the association with pain?
Sophia: Hedonism is not the surface aspect. You cannot presume that there is a shallow, frivolous, hedonistic surface layer, and a deeper, more rewarding truth. The search for perfect sensation, the search for perfect action, those cannot be disentangled for followers of the Prince of Excess. They are a corrupt, decadent being, and following them entails rejecting any common definitions of “corrupt” and “decadent”.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 119
Looking at him oddly, Asuka asks, "I thought you said you worshipped something else?"
"I know of Slaanesh, but I do not worship him. I give my faith and prayers to Tzeentch, a god of change and evolution and hope.
Nocht: Ambition is not all hope…
Taion: We are not scoring that, because that is how Tzeentch thinks of himself, but it’s a distinct form of confusion suffered by Tzeentchji here.
I move onwards, breaking down boundaries to find the truth of things, to become something more, something greater. On the surface, Tzeentch is the most callous of the gods, as the old is thrown out in :favour of the new, but this is merely a surface observation. Tzeentch does not abandon his followers, they abandon him.
Wanderer2691: The Thousand Sons-slash-Scions would like a word with you, and to ask exactly what it is you have as glorified Pokemon with the Rubrics.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 120
He is a god of change and motion, and if you do not keep up with him, keep hope alive, then he will outpace you, as is his nature. Only a fool attempts to surf a wave and then curses the wave when he cannot keep up with it.
Nocht: Or stepped upon to reach higher - this isn’t even something he lies about, he fully admits to being the God of Intrigue as well.
Sophia: This may be the most Tzeentchji has ever sounded like an Arcanite. Determinedly making excuses for his god and for the harm done to other followers, all the while assuming it would never happen to him, because he’s one of the good worshippers who can live up to his God’s designs. Of course, none of that is going to be hypocrisy, and he will be perfectly correct and it will never (excuse my language) bite him in the ass.
Emma: You sound a little… bitter.
Sophia: I love my sister dearly, but Magdalene did once think she could tell me I was “playing with things I could not understand”.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 121
So long as there is hope, you can keep up with him," Shinji explains.
Frowning, Asuka says, "You're right, that does sound callous."
Futaba: Which seems better than what he actually does to people he thinks it’d be funny to grief. Trust me on this, Nocht - the version of Magnus we’re more familiar with got a seriously shit loot table thanks to Mr. Big Evil Shapeshifting Birb.
Emma: Also “so long at there’s hope, you can keep up with him”. That’s not good. That’s how Tzeentch, and more mundane abusers, keep you strung along. Giving you a chance to “keep up or “redeem yourself” is not good in this context. It’s a big part of why Tzeentch is, you know, evil.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 122
Laughing, Shinji says, "Then perhaps you would like to hear of Tzeentch's rival, Papa Nurgle? Nurgle is a god of decay, despair, and joy. Nurgle is the sort of god that would walk into the paediatric ward of a hospice filled with sick, dying children and read to them instead of healing them, simply because their smiles are more precious to him than their health. He is life without restraint, as cancer is life without restraint, burning away to inevitable oblivion… and enjoying every putrescent moment of it.
Diego: Ugh…for once, I don’t have a response, because this describes his positive aspects pretty well…
Sophia: Yes, but once again he is hiding from the aspects of the faith that are more unpleasant to the ignorant and the layperson. Nurgilites will infect others, since if the strongest bonding comes from suffering then this is the best path to closeness.
Rei has recently taken up the path of Nurgle, seeing before her a path to oblivion and deciding to enjoy the journey."
Diego: …and this I do, because it’s clear she took up that faith to protect what was precious to her. This is one of the few things this moronic Nurglite Rei idea has right, but preserving what joy you have is literally the foundational belief of most Nurgle cultists! That’s why Mortarion is the Plague Primarch!
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 123
"Ewww…" Asuka says, making a disgusted face.
Shrugging, Shinji says, "She made her choice, who am I to interfere?"
Sophia: A better servant of the Architect of Fate?
By now though, Asuka was curious, and after a moment of silence, she asks, "I thought there were four gods in your religion? Who's the fourth one?"
Welcome to my parlour said the spider to the fly.
Futaba: And welcome to my tarantula hawk I got just for you, said the hacker to the asshole. As much as you are a recruiter, this isn’t what I’d expect to see when converting your alleged girlfriend to something you sincerely think would make her happy!
Emma: Yeah, I don’t object to the idea that following Tzeentch too closely would probably eat away at you in such a way that you’d seem like a manipulative freak even when you’re being sincere. Once again, the problem is that the fic swings between “ignoring that’s what Tzeentchji is doing” and “using that as an excuse”.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 401
"The War God, the Blood God, Khorne. Khorne is an angry god, but then again, there is so much in life to be angry about. There is a difference between mindless, nihilistic anger and righteous anger. Khorne and his followers rage against the unfairness of life, seek to bring those they perceive as unworthy low. Blood is central to them, but then again, blood is central to many religions. Blood is life; blood is action; blood is sacrifice. Khorne cares not from where the blood flows, whether it comes from a slain enemy or a martyr holding back a dread tide to protect the innocent.
Diego: This sounds reasonable. Biased, but this is a Chaotic worshiper saying this, what is the-
The Catholics drink the blood of Jesus to accept his sacrifice, Khorne is similar, only with less drinking and more spilling," Shinji explains.
Diego: -and while he’s a Lutheran I am now quite angry on behalf of Ambrose which adds only to my lapsed Catholicism-induced irritation. Fuck off, Tzeentchji.
Emma: It’s also an absolutely bonkers thing to say when WH40k is probably the popularizer for “evil fantasy Catholic aesthetics”... based on the IMPERIUM. The ANATHEMA. Why would a Chaos worshiper ever compare themselves to Catholicism positively?
Nocht: As someone who only remembers Catholicism as a primitive predecessor to the Katolian sub-creed of the Imperial Cult, that is some fine groxshit right there. For one thing, I seem to remember the “blood” is non-alcoholic amasec - wine. And that it is freely given in peace, not as part of some symbolic warrior creed of revenge. There’s plenty of other catechisms about retribution in the Creed, but Communion certainly isn’t one, nor was it before reformation into part of the Creed.
Wanderer2691: This reeks of Edgy 00s Atheism, the kind that Lels noted down created the glorious madness that is The Salvation War, which is sadly also offensive nonsense. Catholics drink symbolic blood and Khorne is the Blood God, so they’re totes identical - never mind that Christianity is at least ostensibly about God is Love, kinda contradictory to a war god, to say nothing of the fact that, for much of its history, Catholicism was if anything akin to the Adpetus Mechanicus, really ga-ga over the idea of rationality and logic as inherently holy, hence why Prudence is a Heavenly Virtue and Lust (which isn’t just physical lust in a lot of Middle Ages thought, but acting based purely on physical sensation and feeling plus refusing to consider a situation beyond said feelings) is a Deadly Sin. In fact, that’s part of why “bestial behavior” is the go-to insult for brutish amoral actions, to a lot of Catholic-inspired thought the will to do selfish things was rooted in irrationality and refusal to consider the consequences of one’s own actions - acting like an animal, in other words. If you’re gonna compare them to a Ruinous Power, actually freaking study their history and see what kind of faith known for acting (during the medieval period) like a secular state with a lot of soft power and which sees the rituals as part and parcel with good works would likely even realize they’re being enticed? I’d think the Tzeentchian would know Faust!
(Sourced from rc88’s own Second Debt spork on this very comm, originally Scandinavia vs. The World.)
Futaba: But, obviously, none of that matters, because in the modern day, it’s a sign of how very smart you are to be a skeptic of all religion ever, and if that means you have to actively ignore all sources that contradict you, that just shows how big your reason-wang is. I’m not at all surprised this kind of mistake shows up in a fic that makes Tzeentchji the self-insert.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 402 (The analogy falling flat and being driven by ego.)
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 126 (One for confusing War and Love as deities, and another for thinking contemporary Roman Catholicism, of all religions, would be anything Khorne-adjacent, and a third for praising the Anathema-by-proxy.)
He watched the thoughts resonate in Asuka's head. They would not take now, but a seed had been planted that over hours and days would grow, and she would yearn to know more.
It was at about that point they realized that they had both forgot their bags back at the apartment and they were already at school.
And there was much raging.
Nocht: New objective suggestion - sneak bombs into those bags.
Their friends gone to Okinawa, the three pilots had little to do, so today they were swimming laps in the pool, going back and forth, feeling the cool wetness on sliding across their skin and the exertion of their muscles to plough through the water.
Wanderer2691: [Disgust] Quick reminder - this description of feeling the ‘wetness’ sliding on skin is in relation to 14-year olds. At least the series had them in modest school swimsuits.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 131
Eventually it became something of a competition between the three Children, with Asuka quickly pulling ahead before falling behind due to exhaustion.
Futaba: [Eye twitch] As much as I want to…this isn’t worthy of a point. This is very much an explicit issue of Asuka, especially as she lost confidence, and as noted, Rei is keeping up with the Almighty Man. This is too clever to be worth a ding…
Between Shinji and Rei, it was a close match. Shinji was stronger than her, but before he had shown her the wonders of Chaos swimming had been her one pleasure in her otherwise dull life, so she had a considerably better technique.
Futaba: This, on the other hand? Rei reads psychology texts for fun. Screw off.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 187
Not only that, but she had a boundless endurance.
Diego: Which, given the likely source, isn’t likely going to matter much - Nurgle isn’t known for agility or velocity, his runners are going to be marathon ones by necessity. Stamina, not direct athletic strength.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 127
Ah, going to cheat are you?
It is not cheating; it is merely using an advantage that you do not have.
Good, because I'm going to cheat now.
Nocht: And in so doing help convince her that she is your superior, you moronic child - because unless the rules contain “anything not forbidden is valid for the exercise”, then all it showed was the fundamental insecurity that leads to cheating. Part of the point of Blood Games, a tradition my lords picked up from the Custodes who guard the God-Emperor, is that everybody knows that the invading team has no particular rules of engagement apart from “try not to kill the other team”, precisely because they’re also to diagnose issues in defenses as well. Trying to cheat at swimming, beyond poor sportsmanship, isn’t even good training or assessment of skills.
Futaba: …uh, is there a point where you turn off?
Nocht: Voluntary mental reprogramming for preternatural trigger discipline and calculating sniping conditions largely in your own head is a real journey…
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 403
Instead of swimming like a normal person, Shinji simply used his telekinesis to push himself through the water and push the water out of the way, zipping back and forth between the walls impossibly fast, within a minute gaining such a formidable lead on Rei that she simply stopped mid lap and said, "You win."
Sophia: Ah, yes, another reassurance that no amount of practice or experience or skill matters when it is held by a woman compared to Tzeentchji’s manhood.
Taion: Especially when he felt actually threatened - suddenly, raw skill became less important that finding a rationale for cheating, much like most particularly whine-prone mudders.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 404
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 292
Futaba: Not to mention it’s realistic Rei would bluntly point out that this tactic only works if one is able to set rules to break beforehand, hence why it wouldn’t work on an Angel.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 187
Asuka, of course, was gaping open mouthed at Shinji the human supercavitating torpedo. Sliding up next to her, he popped his head out of the water and grinned at her.
"How… what… how did you do that?" Asuka demands urgently.
Wanderer2691: The miraculous power of Author Favoritism (™)!
Nocht: In all honesty, this turns out to lead into Shinji showing off telekinetic powers and admitting he used them to cheat…but I can’t help but notice he decided this was a reveal that needed to happen in a way that let him win a practice swim.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 405
Diego: Skipping past that reveal, which is dramatic enough (and while it involves a telepathy prank, does at least lead into something serious).
"Shinji is far better at [telepathy] than I, I can only broadcast to him," Rei tells her.
Taion: Because Queen Forbid the experienced psyker, however self-taught, show up the Big Man. Empowered by the God of Psychic Powers or not, there’s only so much that talent can exceed experience by.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 293
TALON ON THE SCALES: 30 (Don’t think we see how this still makes Tzeentchji the Speshulist through no gift of his own..)
"Come now Asuka, you've always known you were special, you just didn't know how special until now. After everything you've seen, do you think that the possession of psychic abilities are really that strange?" Shinji asks.
Futaba: *Asuka* “Not in humans, baka! What is even happening to us?!”
Wanderer2691: Leliel’s memo also has it that this is something else that Children of an Elder God did first and better.
Sliding about in the water around her, he says, "In fact, do you not think it unusual that Toji suffered such an explosive nosebleed right when you were so embarrassed by Rei? That sort of explosive nose bleeding doesn't really happen in real life."
Emma: *makes a noise like a hard drive overheating* Stop covering your ass.
Diego: “Um, ah, you see, I, uh, have reasons for it, so, ah, you can’t criticize me for plagiarizing harem gag anime, so there.” I have my critiques of the Thermian Argument, that the text can’t be used to shield criticism of the text, but when the author is clearly trying to pretentiously justify themselves…
TALON ON THE SCALES: 31
"But… but… what?" Asuka asks, suddenly feeling very small.
"Oh, relax, you did minimal damage in the long run, and you already in fact have a measure of control over your abilities simply because you can pilot an Eva. You simply need to learn more control," Shinji explains. "This is something I can teach you."
Taion: Oh, of course she did it, we know the wimmenz can’t control their psychic powers now can we? …he’s worse than a Moebius, they at least didn’t have such sexists among them. Holy ash.
Sophia: Which she will not welcome, if she’s truly a Khornate. The World Eaters’ hatred of psykers may have more to do with “Angharad having successive microstrokes every time she was in the same room as a psyker”, but in general, followers of the Blood God see psychic powers and sorcery as cowardly and cheating.
Nocht: I come from a version of the Imperium’s universe where a corrupted Thousand Son did in fact become a champion of Khorne - because he deliberately limited his powers purely to assist in his spatial awareness and with mundane bodily control despite having the capacity otherwise, remaining as honorable as he can be. Given how Tzeentchji used his telekinesis to self-admittedly cheat at swimming when someone was about to outshine him physically, I have my doubts he’ll take that tack.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 128
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 294
"He taught me," Rei says softly.
"Indeed. Tell me, why do you think Rei took up worship of Nurgle?" Shinji asks.
Wanderer2691: Because the author needed a stinky GF and she ‘won’ the coinflip?
Looking between the two of them, Asuka asks, "Is it because your religion helps with control over your abilities?"
Diego: …you know, the absolute weakest form of daemon, the Furies, are said to be formed from shards of the souls of mortals who thought they could use Chaos entirely for their own gain. I don’t know why I’m thinking of them, or why I’m imagining them being gleefully hacked to shreds by the dozen.
"Bingo. Our abilities are based around control and manipulation of emotion, and the gods are beings that are made of emotion. Their teachings are useful," Shinji says slyly.
Sophia: If you are trying to control everything, eventually you will hit a plateau. Only when we are completely swallowed by our emotions for a time can we ever touch the Dark Four completely.
Taion: It’s not even recommended for everything else. Trying to base your entirety of decisions on “control” is a good way to become a monster, or ridden with anxieties. Emotions are the foundation of logic, your intuition knows things.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 129
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 406 (“Their teachings are useful”, huh?)
"How?" Asuka asks.
"Tzeentch tells us that there are no coincidences. If you agree to keep this secret then I will teach you about this, fair? If you do not agree, I will brute force my way into your mind and surgically remove this conversation from your memories. I do not appreciate being considered a freak, or people trying to use more than they already do now that I'm a pilot. I do believe you can appreciate those sentiments," Shinji explains.
Emma: You’re a godawful little hypocrite and your author doesn’t even know it.
Wanderer2691: What she said, with an extra fuck you, Tzeenchji.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 406
Asuka suddenly had a more pressing concern on her mind.
Futaba: Along with all the other ones.
"Hey! Wait a minute! Were you screwing around with my mind when… you…" Her protest was suddenly shut down as Shinji's eyes glowed with a lambent blue fire and the water of pool precipitously dropped in temperature, even forming little feathers of ice about him.
Nocht: Ah yes, threats and void chill when given a legitimate criticism and fear. Truly a sign of someone who has empathy for the sense of being an isolated person and being treated as a tool, and not at all someone I would be quietly passing notes to the local Commissariat about an anti-Perils of the Warp plan and possibly putting into motion before detecting signs of psychic phenomenon.
Diego: [Exaggerated whisper] He means quickly killing the psyker before they explode into daemons.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 407
You would know it if I did anything more powerful than simply read your surface thoughts, even if it was by the sections of memory that were simply gone.
Wanderer2691: …so, you wouldn’t be able to alter them into something generic enough to not be worth noting? … Not at all what the author meant, but really interesting, man. And here I was thinking you had the vaunted Arcanite self-control.
Sophia: He is a furious child’s idea of one, so I am not altogether surprised.
EXCOMMUNICAE CANONICUS: 130 (It takes time and effort, but this is something the Imperial Inquisition can also do. Tzeentch psyker powers likely do it better and faster, because Tzeentch.)
Shinji then let all that power build up slowly bleed back out into the environment, his point quite clearly made. The serious look also bled away, leaving him with a grin. Gently pushing a lock of hair out of Asuka's face, he smiled at her and said, "I hold many secrets, but my affection for you has always been sincere and my words truthful."
Sophia: …Neither of those things prevent you from being a manipulative, controlling megalomaniac.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 408
Diego: You forgot greedy, narcissistic, needy, objectifying - I don’t doubt he thinks this is sincere, but it comes off like he’s treating her like a treasured object - a fine doll, fittingly.
Nocht: [Sudden creasing of the brow] …interesting term. I don’t disagree, but…’treasured’ is tickling something in my mind. It’s on the tip of my-
"Perhaps your jealousy of me would be lessened once we start sharing Shinji-kun," Rei states.
Sporkers: WHAT?!
"Sharing?" Asuka asks in a fit of outrage.
Nocht: She’s not the only one, though this is more due to losing my thought what is this?!
Sighing and shaking his head, Shinji says, "Ever since I converted her to Nurgle, Rei has shown great joy in causing things to break down. Ignore her or she will gain immense satisfaction from your annoyance."
Futaba: I wasn’t aware wank material was covered by entropy! Apparently I was wrong, it’s not just Slaanesh this author makes the sex pest Dark God! Still waiting on Khorne’s perversions, but I don’t even!
Sophia: Why on Earth would service to the Plaguefather induce a juvenile, irritating sense of humour? I am not saying it would eliminate it if it already existed, but what would make it arise in someone who did not have it?
Emma: Yeah, the treatment of Rei as “empty shell” is even worse now that she’s been “filled” with something that bears no resemblance to her but reads more like a bad knockoff of Haruhi Suzumiya.
Diego: …okay, speaking as an emissary of Shub-Niggurath, I’m drawing a yellow card here. You will apologize for your blasphemy of putting the name of Lord Azathoth’s most human and curious Incarnation in the same sentence as this…porn parody of Rei.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 188
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 132
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 400 (Don’t encourage her!)
"Ignore me and it will come back to bite you," Rei says with a smile.
Futaba: Watch me, faker. [mimes blocking her account]
DUMMY PLUGGED: 189
"Okay, I'll amend that. Listen to her at your own risk, but ignore her at your risk as well," Shinji replies.
Wanderer2691: We’ll take those odds! Please tell me this is done.
"Okay… if I may? If I may, I would just like to point out a few things here," Shinji says at the tactical briefing called upon the discovery of the latest Angel.
Wanderer2691: …I’d be giving praises to relevant divine figures, but Emps in the presence of Sophia is a bad idea and the Dark Gods even more of one for the same reasons. Though if we need that chainsword again…
Taion: Well, that was sudden - wasn’t even a note of alarms before what’s the line break in the original.
Futaba: Honestly, it’s because this is Sandalphon’s fight - aka The Filler Flounder:
Sporkers Not Futaba: [Stare, then collapse into giggles]
Taion: [Tries to suppress his own] Are we…are we entirely sure this is an Angel and not a Nopon in an experimental exoskeleton that is also on hallucinogens or otherwise very drunk?
Emma: I’m going to wiggle it around to see if it has googly eyes!
Nocht: You know, I suspect fighting this thing after it destroyed a hive city would be hazardous to Astartes. They’d take one look at it and the unprepared Scouts would promptly die of embarrassment on behalf of humanity.
Wanderer2691: Aww, who’s a cute kaiju? Who’s an adorable destroyer of worlds made by ancient aliens? It’s you! Yes it’s you!
Diego: [Lovecraft voice] “And thus, shuddering in horror, I beheld what no madman in the past or future of this tiny and infinitesimal planet in the inhuman infinitude of empty chaos that is this terrible and benighted cosmos, seared indelibly into the most horrid nightmares of my shattering mind: googly eyes.”
Futaba: Yeah…fun fact, the episode it shows up in is consistently regarded as the worst in Eva after Jet Alone’s, for many reasons - ironically the design of Sandalphon isn’t one of them, as we barely see it, but…we barely see it. It doesn’t even have a full minute of screentime. The main reason the episode is regarded as the whiff of the series is that it is the closest the series gets to a filler beach episode and…this thing:
(Source: TV Tropes)
Diego: [Uncomfortable look, glances at others.] I can tell there are weird nerds who are all over this. Using my finely honed instincts when faced with tomes of eldrich lore I am not ready for, I am going to create a gap in my mind regarding it. I suggest you do the same.
Wanderer2691: Agreed. Even mentioning it is causing my face to mimic Asuka’s…
Futaba: Pressurized plugsuits - an expanding problem! But, I digress. Sandalphon is honestly a more clever concept than its design deserves - it’s named after the angel that determines sexes in embryos, and that tiny red fetus thingy is actually the embryonic state it’s found in before going Flounder Mode. Second, while I keep calling it a flounder, it’s actually based on primeval animals like Anomalocaris here:
(Source: Wikipedia)
Nocht: See, I’d be intimidated by a giant version of that, on the basis it can clearly see where it’s going instead of needing to swim sideways.
Futaba: Sssh, let the class show and tell first, snark later. Sandalphon also shares a quality with its namesake in that it is one of the most enormous Angels encountered, dwarfing Unit-02 even in its bulky magma pressure armor. Combined with how we never actually get a clear look at it and showing the true goofiness of its design, one gets the sense it was kind of shortchanged by its own episode - it could be a really memorable fight, if only it had a chance to fight and was attached to a better plot than Goofy Inflatable Volcano Field Trip.
Taion: …so, how is this chapter going to not give it the showing it deserves?
"Ahem. A list should suffice.
Sporkers:
Nocht: I think this is my first time with the rapid-press button. And given how snide he’s going to be…
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 401
One: we have never found an Angel before it attacked us, much less in an apparently dormant and embryonic state.
Futaba: Nor do you have any data that this wasn’t a coincidence caused by the massiveness of the planet, and that they even have enough going on upstairs to do these lures.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 402
DUMMY PLUGGED: 190
Two: this Angel is in possibly the most hostile location on the planet, over a thousand feet beneath the surface of an active volcano, surrounded by molten rock where it will be a challenge to know whether the crushing pressure or the intense heat will destroy something first.
Diego: Given how variable the Angels you’ve faced so far are, it might also be that it happens to be where this one lives, once again ascribing motive to something that hasn’t shown much yet.
Sophia: While the world is far too complex for me to put too much stock in what you call Occam’s Razor… it is safe to assume that the animal in the volcano is in the volcano because it lives there, not because it is making some sort of cunning plan with cognitive abilities it may not even have.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 403
DUMMY PLUGGED: 191
Three: the Type-L equipment will not work under such conditions, because we would be going into boiling hot magma, a significant point considering that the Type-L was designed to counter the increasing power of the Angels.
Wanderer2691: *Tzeentchji* “Which would prevent me from showing off, and that’s awful! What do you mean ‘stop acting like it necessarily planned this’?!”
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 404
DUMMY PLUGGED: 192
Four: boiling hot magma is incredibly dense and would thus impede motion massively. Five: the Evas are not physically dense enough to actually sink into boiling hot magma, so to actually get down that deep would require extra dense weights to be added, which would impair movement even more than the sort of heavy armour required to actually survive while surrounded on all sides by boiling hot magma.
Futaba: *Ritsuko* “Oh, gee, whoever could’ve thought of this, maybe someone who designed this just in case, maybe?! You’re welcome?!” Even beyond that, there is no implication in series that the Type-D Equipment used really blocks Eva motion all that much, and it’s shown that yes, an Eva can dive in there with basic-ass B-Type equipment with no prep. Or did you forget a driving scene of the episode?
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 405
DUMMY PLUGGED: 193
Six: the last report from the probe said that the Angel was sinking deeper into the boiling hot magma. Seven: boiling hot magma!
Taion: Er, I don’t think I heard you right? There is magma, and I believe it is boiling hot?
Nocht: Is this, perhaps, a sponsorship deal by magma? It comes off as a bit of a tantrum - when on defense, you lose the right to choose your field of war at the initial strike, this is known. He should have cottoned on.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 406
"So, to sum up, in the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar, 'It's a trap!' This is such a trap that I reserve the right as a soldier to refuse an obviously suicidal order," Shinji finishes off.
Diego: Says he who is proud of the Shinji Suicide Special as a name, because he can’t control the battlefield. Man up, adaptation and working within limitations is part of planning.
Emma: Once again, “refuses to get involved in any situation they can’t completely control” is a great Tzeentchian flaw. And, once again, we aren’t meant to see this as a flaw but as a perfectly sensible, logical fix.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 407
Listening to this, Asuka nods and says, "I too reserve the right to refuse this mission on the grounds of being unnecessarily risky."
Futaba: …who is this woman, and what has she done with Asuka? Especially Khorne Asuka? Seems like a great place to establish down and dirty fighting.
Emma: Her man has spoken, and that takes precedent.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 194
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 141
"I will go if ordered to," Rei replies.
Shaking her head, Misato says, "Don't worry Rei, Unit 00 is incompatible with the D-Type equipment, and now that Shinji has put it that way, I'm scrapping the mission.
Futaba:
…WHAT.
I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I was too eager to have actually found an Angel in this state that I didn't actually pause to consider what a blindingly obvious trap this is."
Futaba: …
Yep, vote either Red or Purple, I think we found the Imposters, dump ‘em out the airlock, this meme is old I don’t fucking care HAVE YOU WATCHED NGE AT ALL, AUTHOR?!
Wanderer2691: Fucking Misato calling off aggression towards an Angel? The fucking sole survivor of Adam’s awakening Misato?! That Misato?!
Futaba: Okay, backstory time!
Futaba: See, Misato’s dad had about as much social grace as Gendo, and could be about as neglectful. She really didn’t like him, but even so yearned for contact - this included tagging along on the expedition that accidentally awoke Adam. As one of his last actions, Dr. Katsuragi sacrificed himself to put Misato in the escape pod, and so Misato received confirmation he always cared about her, he just had negative skill points in Parenting, and lost him forever at once. To cope, she reclassed into freaking Captain Ahab when it comes to the Angels. Episode 10, which is what this chapter is trying to pwn with factz and lawgic, is the first hint of how insane she can get when dealing with them!
Emma: But if we included the actual character depth, then we would have to take into account that Misato is a deeply damaged woman and maybe taking her “flirty mother figure” facade at face value is gross and wrong in a lot of ways.
Diego: …huh. I’ll have to introduce her to Kaiya, she nearly ended up the same - it was exploring alternate timelines for her, and her father sacrificed himself to commune with the King in Yellow before he destroyed what was left of the King Castigane America to show they were travelers rather than members of the Carcosa partisans, which is why he sort of adopted her as a Scion and turned her rage against people who deserved it. Might teach her better coping mechanisms.
Wanderer2691: Weird backstory synergies aside, if anything this should be the moment Misato realizes how obsessive she’s being - hell, if we’re really going for her being Totes Slaaneshi, this should be when she recognizes her obsession exists, and choses to take ownership of it - using it to develop a better plan. But nooo, onee-sama needs to be all motherly and junk, so the first time she’s gotten to the point of any depth, then she’s the goddamn voice of reason! Because how dare the mother figure have actual character develop-
[Speakers ding]
Leliel’s voice: “If you are hearing this message right now, then you have reached the point where Misato suddenly becomes the voice of caution. Don’t worry, it comes up in a later chapter! For all of one paragraph where she didn’t even act uncharacteristically aggressive or scary and then she instantly resolves it forever. Yes, really.”
[Long beat, as Futaba gives a shuddering inhale]
Futaba: PERSONA! [turns into Oracle, Al-Azif starts probing the wards]
Nocht: MORTARION’S PISS, WOMAN! Is this your “Persona”, and why are you poking at the wards?!
Oracle: [Crazed giggle] Oh, looking for where the Khornate chainsword went.
Taion: …Futaba, this is ridiculous!
Oracle: It’s okay, I just wanna talk to him…
Diego: Futaba, even if you take up Chaos, the Blood God doesn’t suit you at all!
Oracle: I just want to talk to him!
Sophia: I cannot believe I am agreeing with this, but he is right, you are far more likely to survive the Paths of Fate or Decay, you will be expected to personally fight as one of the blessed of Blood! Your potential does not deserve to be stopped by that!
Oracle: I just want to stab him! I JUST WANNA TALK TO HIM!
Futaba: [Back to herself, long inhale] …we’re gonna all be singing the praises of the Ruinous Powers to end it all in a hecatomb of fire and freedom by the end of this.
Emma: *staring emptily at the ceiling* “By the end of this”, huh?
Nocht: …this is growing disturbingly plausible. But as it is…we must soldier through.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 199 (Because this more or less is the core of who Misato is as a person, and makes everything else about her shaky and far, far more shallow.)
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 142 (Isn’t even reacting like a good heretic should.)
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 295 (Because mothers are “reasonable”, of course!)
Wanderer2691: You know what the worst part is? This is also accidentally making Misato the most likable main character by far, as pointed out by a friend of the sporkers. It makes what happens to her later to make her actually Slaaneshi just…WHY.
Futaba: … [Quiet sobbing.]
All around the various techs and tacticians were smacking themselves over having not thought of it like that. Everyone had merely considered the risks of volcano diving and considered it acceptable, and yet somehow no one had raised the rather obvious point that perhaps the reason they had found the Angel sleeping was because it wanted to be found.
Taion: …because they were not precognitive telepaths, Tzeentchji. I am beginning to think this particular chapter’s thrust is ‘I, Academia Nut, am very smart and think I know how to write a contentious episode well, let me pull facts not established in the actual source of this fanfiction and in fact contradictory to it out of my rear end to knock down in order to show off how smart I am.’
Futaba: You just got that? But seriously - it’s heavily implied in the series that the Dead Sea Scrolls told NERV that Sandalphon was safe, at least long enough to examine it in the lab. They already contained literally Adam, why not his weird Cambrian bug fish kid?
DUMMY PLUGGED: 200
Gendo hid his frown behind his gloved hands. He had selected his command staff for myopic brilliance. He wanted them capable of acting flawlessly in the moment, not figuring out the bigger picture, and for the most part they had done that, but recently they had been getting smarter in ways Gendo did not approve of. And he felt it had to do with his son.
Sophia: While I agree people like Gendo don’t particularly want underlings who will act against them with any force, that can easily be overcome by finding smart people whose motives can be bent to your own, not by kneecapping yourself by making sure none of your command staff can perform basic deductive reasoning.
Nocht: It is, however, what Tzeentchji would do, and as noted, Tzeentchji is the Most Intelligent Boy In The World, so naturally, other intelligent people must act like him - or at least, screw up in ways he can take advantage of. Please ignore the continuing existence of Honorary Magos Akagi.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 201
TALON ON THE SCALES: 32
Unfortunately there was dick all Gendo could do about it now, seeing as he had just seen all of his current political capital go up in a puff of smoke.
Wanderer2691:
Diego: I checked the previous chapter, and…I seriously don’t get how any of it follows! Huh?!
He had had to talk the members of SEELE into this plan, and now his pilots and senior command staff had just rejected it. If he pushed now there was a severe risk of mutiny, and the only people with the resources to put it down properly would just laugh at him.
Nocht: Because the author said so apparently, why is this an issue it is called a counterargument!
His son had just torpedoed months of work, and it would take weeks, if not months to recover enough to move against the little bastard. Mostly because Gendo now wondered if the boy had been compromised by SEELE. This was not a frustration he needed right now.
Taion: …oh. That’s why. Because the Stu whined about a dangerous environment. Of course.
Futaba: [Pinching nose] You know, Gendo was faced with “the danger is Second Impact Part Two” in canon from SEELE and the Instrumentality Committee - before the Children ever heard about it. And that was including all the boiling hot magma. Realistically, he’d just point out that the Committee already signed off on retrieval, so while Tzeentchji has his sympathies and will be allowed to remain as backup in case it tries something funny…
Diego: But once again, it’s also make the the author’s brain-wang feel inadequate, so…
DUMMY PLUGGED: 203 (Because Gendo would have backups, on the basis he’s not an idiot.)
TALON ON THE SCALES: 34 (Besides his backups, he wouldn’t bend like this at the first sign of trouble without trying, not unless he thought the other idea was genuinely better for his agenda.)
"We need to turn the trap in on itself," Misato says, musingly. "We need to lure the Angel to the surface where it won't have the home field advantage."
Wanderer2691: It’s simple! All they need is to pull the Big Book of Angel Communication With A Weird Lava Baby We Haven’t Seen The Adult Form Of out of her ass…
TALON ON THE SCALES: 35
"Personally I'm all for shoving an N2 mine in one of those probes and sending it down as low as it can go. The blast might not do anything to the Angel, but it will sure as hell let it know that we're not falling for its bullshit. Then, when it surfaces to play, we just shoot it from the high ground of the crater," Asuka suggests.
Diego: Or, given how it clearly lives in the lava, dive deeper into the magma flow a panic and realize - “Oh, hey, I can provoke eruptions and search for Adam safely down here! Sweet!” But the author’s inability to recognize that Angels have distinctly animalistic behaviors, and plot armor of Da Smart Plans, is unstoppable.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 36
Everyone looks at her funnily before she says, "Alright! I rushed in last time! I learned my lesson, okay?"
Futaba: *Asuka* “And that lesson is: Violence is not the answer, it is a question, and the answer is FUCK YES VOLCANO DIVE!” Or, at least, that’s what a non-smarty-smart cheerleader who conveniently only worships Khorne and his love of challenging himself would say.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 204
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 143
Beaming proudly at his student, Shinji says, "Actually, I like her idea. It's simple, elegant, and even if we have to fight the Angel in its mature form, at least we don't have to dive into a hostile environment."
Sophia: Ah yes, your student. *glowing faintly with unholy light* Your vessel. Your puppet. I know what you are, and I am displeased.
Wanderer2691: As are we all. I can’t help but notice he’s only praising her when she’s backing him up…
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 408
"Simple plans are best," Rei chips in.
Taion: *Gendo* “Like capturing it so we can study it later?”
Diego: *Tzeentchji* “But you’d have to figure out a way around the fact the author regards you as a convenient Scary Sue to be shown up!”
"We'll need to figure out the proper yield… detonating a nuclear scale weapon has never been attempted inside an active volcano for obvious reasons, but I think we can come up with something that will work," Ritsuko says, giving the scientific approval.
Emma: Huh- Wha- Why is SHE agreeing to this? They’re rejecting her proven technology over “uhhhh, nuke the volcano?”! How is that something that gets scientific approval?
Taion: …Question. Do psyker powers involve mind control.
Diego: Yes. Especially for Tzeentch-flavored ones.
Taion: Ah. We have the hidden reasoning, then.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 37
Sighing quietly at the complete ruination of his reputation, Gendo says, "Then proceed."
Sophia: Is there a reason he can’t just lean into this, paint himself as a rational leader who listens to critique, and then build up his power base later? I don’t see how his reputation is completely dependent on whether or not they drop a nuclear weapon on a… silly-looking fish.
Wanderer2691: Because the author is god, king, and overlord of whiny customers who need to speak to the manager NOW, and so what he says goes. He’s just waiting for the fic to be over to escape through a plot hole and realizing he needs to play the fool.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 38
DUMMY PLUGGED: 205
Nocht: While enough of the fight is fine enough to be skimmed over, we do see the start of just how much the main draw, the more epic fights, decay. For example, the N2 mine proceeds to crack the local hot springs and bathe them in toxic volcanic gasses…
But the onsen of the region had already been completely evacuated, and in fact all across the country people had been advised of the detonation and asked to stay clear of any hot springs until further notice. After about five minutes the rumblings of the earth died down, and an hour later except for the new, now mostly dead, lava flows, it would be hard to tell that anything had actually happened.
Emma: I’m not a volcanologist (the things I know about volcanoes are mostly related to “my beloved weird minerals and semi-precious stones come out of them sometimes”) but it seems to me detonating a super-nuke down a mountain would… probably be worse than that?
Diego: Yep. If it caused anything at all apart from a deeper crater, it’s because the volcano is prime for an eruption, and a mine would provoke an instant eruption from, y’know, all the pressurized lava going out. The deeper, the worse the eruption. Like where Sandalphon would notice it: https://www.iflscience.com/what-would-happen-if-you-dropped-bomb-volcano-30400
Taion: Isn’t it strange how this fic from a forum that prides itself on its ability to win through science seems to often forget to research when it’d stop the author from indulging power fantasies?
TALON ON THE SCALES: 39
"Okay, we're on stand-by until further notice. We stay here for at most a week to see if, by some stroke of luck we actually killed the Angel, before returning to Tokyo-3. Any questions?" Misato asks the Pilots.
"No ma'am," they answer as one.
"Good, now unfortunately all the hot springs in the region are closed for the next month as the mountain is monitored for any residual activity, so unfortunately none of us can relax in a nice natural bath," Misato says.
Wanderer2691: And Tzeentchji died of instant blueballs at fanservice denied. The end.
Pouting a bit, Asuka brightens up and says, "Ah well, it's the Angel's fault for wrecking all my vacation plans. I'll just have to make sure it suffers for annoying me."
Her face blank, Rei says, "I had no interest in bathing in any case."
Shrugging, Shinji says, "There's always another day."
Emma: Is. Is he seriously trying to pretend he’s ABOVE anime fanservice? Seriously? I would KILL for a stupid ecchi onsen scene right now compared to everything I’ve had to sit through.
Diego: Given the shit with the shower last chapter? My guess is that he felt it was inferior to his hardcore porn, and also involves watchers who wouldn’t broke with sexual harassment.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 409
Misato just glared at them all before saying, "I wanted to go."
Shaking her head, she says, "Go have fun you three. We've probably got a lot of long, boring waiting around doing nothing ahead of us."
Taion: Uh, if Sandalphon was actually planning on anything and not in the midst of development…wouldn’t it have instantly reacted? Because it realized the ambush plan did not work?!
Nocht: Ah, but you cannot fault the author for inability to remember words in their own draft, they have more important things to do, like writing unfunny and hypocritical onsen destruction comedy.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 40
"We will find a way to pass the time," Rei replies.
The three Children had found a nice, secluded mountain grove to practice their "extracurricular studies". Shinji had already give Asuka a few private lessons on telepathy and telekinesis, but so far she had proven difficult to get into the proper mindset. She just could not achieve the proper emotional state to unlock her powers.
Sophia: Perhaps that is a sign that her powers lie in other places? Such as places remotely connected to her god in any way?
Wanderer2691: Yes, but that isn’t a problem Tzeentchji has a solution for, and thus, is verboten.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 410
She held back, she was hesitant when around Shinji. He could piss her off, but he could not push her to the depths of fury she needed, and neither he nor Rei could really help guide her. They could tell her how they focused, but she was ill suited to their cooler mentalities, so she had to find her own path.
Futaba: That’s a legit point! How’s this fic gonna ruin it?
So Shinji let Rei spar with Asuka and told her to really annoy her. Rei had begun by kissing Shinji on the cheek and then grabbing his butt.
Futaba: …I don’t know what I was expecting, though I suppose the entirety of this fic has been a Dead Dove Do Not Eat label for “fighting over Stu dick” being in this bag.
Emma: I know I talked before about how this fucking fanfic is unwilling to write polyamory in any way that would entail genuine attraction between women. This isn’t quite as personal as the last chapter, but it’s still deeply misogynist. It falls right back into the idea that women only ever see each other as rivals over a man, and that this desire for a man and competition with other women is the defining, most forceful emotion a woman can experience.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 296
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 132
That began a truly volcanic duel between the two of them with their wooden practice weapons. Rei had had a custom wooden sword made for her, an approximation of a weapon that was best described as an oversized butcher's cleaver. If actually made, the weapon would be slow, imprecise, and absurdly brutal.
Sophia: The forces of Nurgle are indiscriminate, true, in their use of chemical and plague weapons. They are not imprecise.
Wanderer2691: It took me a couple re-reads to realize that was Rei’s sword. While Plaguebearers, the Lesser Daemons of Nurgle, do wield oversized cleavers…
…they, as shown by the fact this guy is wielding it one-handed, aren’t clumsy with it. To say nothing of how they’re usually envenomed with whatever diseases Grampy Plague can think of, so even a nick is likely to be a casualty if not immediately addressed. “Imprecise” my ass, try “ruthlessly practical and gleefully inelegant.”
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 144
Rei was actually holding her own against the more experience melee combatant, but that was because she was willing to take hits Asuka wasn't. Already several of her teeth littered the ground, but she was regenerating them at a phenomenal rate, which only served to piss Asuka off even more.
Emma: Well, hey, that actually seems reasonably accurate. Stopped clocks, I guess.
Diego: Pretty much. Summarizing, Shinji is psychically scanning for the Angel and finding it hard due to their natural opacity to telepathy combined with him having no baseline, at which point Asuka tosses Rei telekinetically…and somehow doesn’t instantly die from enraged Khorne…
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 145
…And Mt. Asama blows its top to a massive psychic spike from Shamshel provoking an eruption, because somehow detonating an N2 mine that caused a bunch of hot springs to lose business left pressure.
Futaba: That’s…kind of a nitpick, if you’re already a psychic lava lobster flounder, you can put a lot more pressure in the lava. And the gag that it makes Asuka look victorious - telling rather then showing, of course - is worth a smirk. But then…
"Quiet you two. We have other things to worry about. I'm pretty sure the Eight Angel just woke up and he's pissed we didn't take the bait," Shinji says while beginning the trek back down to the base.
Emma: Or maybe it’s annoyed because you NUKED it? I still don’t know why this fic is assuming Sandalphon operates at any more than a wild-animal level.
Futaba: Yeah, in canon, it’s heavily implied Sandalphon is literally an infant - the sound of its roar is a distorted baby’s cry, and its attack on Unit-02 was just nibbling on something in its environment. A dangerous baby animal that would have sought Adam to initiate Third Impact, but it’s literally just a baby. Which makes Tzeentchji come off like an absolute fool given how Sandalphon was found as a fetus, and he never considered it might just be an egg.
Taion: But killing a dangerous animal means you outwitted something instinctual, as opposed to something impressive…according to this author that has never had to deal with an enraged animal or hunting for food, ever. And…were they literally outside of their Evas while waiting for it?! How daft can you get?!
DUMMY PLUGGED: 206
TALON ON THE SCALES: 41 (“Hey, we, the security guards, can play pinochle while on CCTV duty with our sidearms in a locker several feet aware from us after a burglary threat! We are intelligent and cautious and totally not being protected by the author to have a completely extraneous spar scene!”)
Nocht: Literal dereliction of duty aside, the fight is way more conventional, as Sandalphon uses lava from Asama as natural melta rounds and Unit 01 outfitted cryogenic freezers from afar in the reasonable belief that Sandalphon does not adapt as easily to the cold. The Evas use their AT Fields to wait out the initial frenzy of lava blasts, until…
And then what appeared to be an eyestalk emerged from the lake of lava and looked at them.
Futaba: Everyone gaped in horror as the completely different Angel joined Sandalphon, because as this cleaned-up image from the anime shows, Sandalphon does not have eyestalks.
(Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/evangelion/comments/12timr7/a_better_look_at_sandalphon_8th_angel_without/)
Emma: …That’s a Muppet.
Diego: I mean, you could call those horns eyestalks, but that isn’t what I think of as eyes, when the ones over its mouth have pupils. And if you think we’re kidding…
Asuka was about ready open fire when Shinji stopped her. At best they would damage the eye, which the Angel could simply regenerate at its leisure by diving back beneath the surface of the lava. They would wait.
Taion: These images of the Angel were also available during the publication of this fic, if I think correctly…so the fact it has eyes different from the horns was not something easily missed with any degree of care or patience.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 207
What emerged was nothing like what they were expecting. The reason that the lava lake had been rising was because the Angel was pushing up from underneath and was nearly as large as the caldera. Its body was hard to describe, as it was covered in a thick layer of molten rock that clung to it as armour, but the best general description was of a trilobite… the size of a small mountain… and covered in lava and yet unharmed.
Emma: A trilobite? A trilobite? Of all the Cambrian freaks to compare Sandalphon to, you pick a TRILOBITE???
(Source: Wikipedia)
Nocht: I suppose…there’s a kind of general body plan that is shared…but thrones to biscuits that Academia Nut only knows about trilobites when thinking of the Cambrian. And is, as noted, quite slack in his research.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 208 (Is this petty? Yes, but frankly, it’s part of the same lacking expertise and sheer arrogance about canon.)
Futaba: And that’s a shame because…Sandalphon is honestly done justice here. It uses the lava as both weapon and shield, and melts the rock around it so that it restocks while moving on its own personal slide, making a nice scary berserk timer - in fact, it’s actually allowed to get in a good couple hits on the Stu.
When his tumbling, crashing descent finished all that remained of Unit 01's left leg was a lava encrusted stump above the knee. Unit 02, which was closest to him, snatched the now immobilized Eva away from a descending leg that would have skewered it otherwise.
Sophia: *under her breath* Oh Changer of Ways, Weaver of all Fates, take this unworthy acolyte’s flesh as an offering from your true servants. Take this creature in his hubris, and let the tides of Your random chance eliminate his stain on Your glory. Amen.
"Are you okay Shinji?" Asuka asked.
Wincing over the phantom pain in his leg and the real pain from being thrown about his entry plug, Shinji says, "I'll survive."
Sporkers: DAMMIT!
Diego: This is why we don’t trust in Tzeentch to not be capricious…anyway, Sandalphon takes the opportunity to dig towards Tokyo-3 and Misato comes up with a new plan - freeze with the cryo-missiles, then melt with the hellfire missiles on Unit-02 before Rei blasts it with the positron rifle, hitting its exposed flesh - which as much as we kvetch about the AT Field, seems more plausible than getting close to the lava without protection. This works, provoking Sandalphon to try and burrow again, to gather more lava and become even more of a juggernaut with the magma it melts, and revealing its regeneration is quite fast - and according to a quick search I did on my phone, isn’t even a canon violation, as Sandalphon in canon was forcefed a coolant pipe to make it very fragile from heat contraction, this is Sandalphon with time to prepare and not given the full coolant blast. Asuka, the melee support as well as source of the hellfire missiles, thinks on it…
"We need to deliver an overwhelming blow point blank to it," Asuka notes.
"Okay, pull back and we'll rearm you all and try and come up with another plan of attack," Misato orders.
Asuka was pissed that this thing was just shrugging them off like this. There had to be some thing…
She suddenly had a moment of utter clarity, the world slowing down to a stand-still as her brain began to process events at a phenomenally fast rate. She suddenly discovered a new way of looking at things, her rage compressing in on itself from opaque coal into a crystal clear diamond.
Sophia: Too little, too late. This should have happened dozens of times already, and I’m not impressed that it only happens when Tzeentchji can’t be shown up by it.
Futaba: And can easily be described as Tzeentchji’s training. Objective, protect self-image from icky girls, achieved!
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 297
Wanderer2691: Ugh, in a scene that deserves to be in a better fic, Asuka goes full Berserker Mode and drives herself into Sandalphon’s forehead, a single quick, overwhelming strike that allows her to take her melta to Sandalphon’s core, chain-axing it out before Unit-02, both it and its pilot exhausted, stumbles out.
Setting the damaged Eva aside to let it cool, Unit 00 takes the ejected entry plug and sets it safely to the side while Unit 01 ejects its own plug so that Shinji can rush out to see Asuka.
Rather woozy from the adrenaline rush and the heat flush, Asuka totters out of her entry plug only for Shinji to slap her across the face and demand angrily, "What the fuck were you thinking?"
Emma: In isolation, I don’t think “anger from worry” going this far is completely terrible. But nothing in this fic is in isolation, so ewwww.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 298
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 411
"I… I did what I had to do, just like how you blew yourself up to take out Shamshel," Asuka says in a daze.
"It's called the 'Shinji Suicide Special' for a reason," Shinji points out angrily.
Grinning, Asuka replies, "Well they can call it the 'Soryu Suicide Special' now."
Diego: *Tzeentchji* “I know! And now I’m losing my imaginary sponsorship deals to a rival!”
Tears of fear, sadness, and happiness running down his face, Shinji finally just says, "Oh, screw it, just kiss me."
He then embraces Asuka tightly before grabbing her by the butt to lift her off the ground, her legs wrapping about his waist for extra support.
Nocht: You know, this would be quite sweet…if I did not know this image was soon to be ruined…
From Unit 00 Rei watches down over the two of them, and smiles. Shinji had told her long ago that he really thought of her in a sisterly sense, evidently his instincts were quite good at locating his own blood, and in truth she felt sisterly towards him too. The passion of romance was not something in her, although she did admit that now that he had awoken in her an emotional aspect she did long for him in ways she never would have thought of before.
Futaba: And that is how! Congrats, you’ve officially made me break my no-kinkshame rule, if you are using this to ‘heal’ Rei of her non-fuckableness for this fucked-up harem! GAG!
Emma: Imagine if it stayed here, instead of explicitly acknowledging they are blood related in a way that it makes sense to treat them as siblings… and then putting them in a relationship anyways.
Taion: Ah, but that would require some degree of proportion and taste, as opposed to this personal endless now of idle pleasure forever.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 299
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 133
It did not matter. Shinji was not replaceable like her, so his happiness took precedence, and he was clearly very happy at the moment. And as much as she had considered letting the berserker boil in her Eva so that she could take her place, Shinji's happiness was tied to Asuka's wellbeing at the moment.
Sophia: She’s being remarkably mature and controlled for a Nurgilite. Most Nurgilites would probably make this decision externally and then go off to wallow in their own misery and jealousy.
Nocht: And then turn being forever alone a mark of supposed pride in their own nature.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 146
At the moment. Things changed, fell apart, and people died. Rei could endure all those things, and she had the patience to see this through to the end.
She had infinite patience.
Diego: And infinitesimal awareness of own dogma, given how “things changing to my benefit” is a Tzeentch thing. Fitting given how Tzeentchji introduced you to Nurgle but again, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t stupid for him to recruit for his patron’s archrival in the first place.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 147
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 300 (Let us remind you this is over a MAAAAAAN.)
Futaba: And with that, the chapter ends! I’d say it’s been nice, but frankly, it’s be really insulting to all of us and-
Nocht: Next chapter.
Futaba: ….excuse me?
Nocht: We skipped over nearly a quarter of it, and I don’t like feeling like a mission is half-done unless it’s part of a larger strategic objective with multiple components - and at the rate things are getting worse? We won’t have much opportunity to do these grouped sporks. Next. Chapter.
Wanderer2691: And, well…it’ll be the halfway point…
Futaba: …Fuck it. I’ve endured so much already, one more can’t hurt! …Too much!
Chapter 10
"You know, I'm considering coming up with a pamphlet," Shinji notes.
"Oh?" Asuka asks with a giggle.
"Yeah. I've been converting a lot people to Chaos lately that I figure some streamlining is in order, make things easier to handle," Shinji explains.
Futaba: … Hurts much.
Taion: This isn’t that awful, but given this fic’s idea of comedy, all we can feel when faced with light gags in it is dread.
"Two people are a lot?" Asuka asks.
"You and Rei? I would call both of you a lot to handle," Shinji says, receiving a playful whack upside the head.
"I'm a lot to handle?" Asuka asks in a dry, superior tone.
Cupping her breasts playfully, Shinji says, "Well yeah! I mean you're 14 and look how big you are already! You're already a lot to handle."
Wanderer2691: Example A - this paragraph.
Emma: Do not remind me of these character’s ages dammit.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 134
Whacking him playfully again, Asuka glares at him and says, "Oh, so you know this about Rei then?"
Laughing, Shinji kisses her and says, "You have me there!"
"Do I? Or is this all part of your master plan?" Asuka replies with a mischievous growl.
Tapping her on the side of the nose, Shinji says, "You never can tell with me, you never can tell."
Diego: True, so much is nonsense you claimed you meant to do after passing whim.
Giggling, Asuka returns the kiss and after a time asks curiously, "So what would this pamphlet be like?"
"I've already figured out the title. 'Chaos: Fuck Yeah!' I'm thinking it would feature a smiling, confident looking guy giving the reader an enthusiastic thumbs-up. Inside would be the various benefits of Chaos. Do you think I should start with talking about the lack of angst when you're with Chaos, or finish off with it?" Shinji asks.
Nocht: [Flat, glowering, utterly contemptuous stare of disgust]
Sophia: *Bursts into progressively more deranged cry-laughing* Oh, I haven’t felt that amused in millenia.
Diego: …Angron. Butcher’s Nails and the loss of everything he loved and cared about. Peturabo: tormented by feeling inadequate and his own shifting moods combined with being someone who enjoyed peaceful crafts forced into war eternal. Mortarion: Everything to do with his childhood and not having a sense of resolution over it. “Lack of angst” is Bull. Fucking. Shit.
Futaba: The author’s contempt for the core narrative themes of Eva shine brightly as solar radiation…
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 148
DUMMY PLUGGED: 209 (Because of whining that Eva is too angsty, in a psychological drama/horror series.)
"Hmm… when writing a persuasive argument, its best to finish with the most compelling argument," Asuka says in a pseudo-serious tone.
"Would having a hot girl sitting on your lap, her blouse open, making out with you count as the most compelling argument?" Shinji asks.
Sophia: Not a standard reward of Chaos. Not even Slaanesh, much past the first few weeks, since you’ll be bored with that pretty quickly.
Nocht: One that clearly sees her as a trophy - I’d ask about women drawn into your cult, but then again, I am aware of how deeply misogynistic as well as homophobic you are. You likely never considered it.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 301
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 412
Giggling again, Asuka replies, "Considering the fact that your converts so far have been girls, I would probably put that under 'fringe benefits'."
"Should I make 'access to the rich, handsome, stud Ikari Shinji' a benefit then?" Shinji asks.
Emma: It already boggles the mind that two people are interested in you. The amount of straight and bi women who are actually interested in “14 year old megalomaniacs with a superiority complex” is actually extremely low, even taking into account teens having bad taste.
Taion: Given what drove Leliel nearly into the bloody embrace of Wrath last chapter, I suspect the first sign of a true harem is sudden absence of any quality standards by women.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 135
Wanderer2691: [Checks ahead] …Jesus H. Christ, literally the next 509 words is dedicated to psychic-aided foreplay in the name of “Operation Asuka’s Boobies” as part of ‘training her telepathy.’ This is something I really don’t want to imagine 14-year-olds doing, all in favor of just scoring the whole thing with six point-
Sporkers: APPROVED.
Wanderer2691: Skipping ahead!
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 141
Rolling off her to give her some mobility to get dressed again, Shinji props his head up with one hand while running a finger lightly over Asuka's exposed belly, enjoying the feeling as her flesh goose pimples at his touch.
"You're still scared you know," Shinji says softly.
Diego: Ah Leng, here we go again…
Asuka wanted to say that she wasn't scared of anything, but she knew that Shinji knew her better than she knew herself. While she had made her life out of piloting Unit 02 up until meeting him, he had made his life out of knowing others.
Futaba: I mean, more dissecting others so that he could use them and, let’s be honest, train them to his specifications. But even putting aside the…entire planet of creepiness, this is once again showing Submissive Waifu Asuka, rather than someone who is literally being turbocharged, even subconsciously, by the God of Rage.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 302
Running his finger up to her sternum, Shinji leaned over and placed his head right between her breasts, his ear directly over her heart, enjoying the sound of her heart beating.
"This… this beats more strongly than it ever has now, the wounds finally fading away, but there are still scars there… I can hear it. The beat is not quite as sure and confident as it could be. When we touch, when we kiss, there is still a tremor of fear before you relax and enjoy the moment," Shinji tells her, his head rising and falling with her breathing.
Emma: Yeah, because some part of her is still aware enough to be scared of you.
Nocht: I had a partial mental cleanse both to allow Vindicare instincts to be inserted into my subconscious and to remove…something corrupt, it was taking my mind and that bit of myself had to be amputated to save the rest of me from its cancer, it was a miracle I could even be worked on. I have dealt with the Inquisition’s mental reprogrammers and interrogators of people they actively dislike. They are not this creepy at any time.
Futaba: Difference is that the Inquisition isn’t in it to get its kink on. Ostensibly.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 413
"I… I'm afraid that if I become attached to you, I'll lose you," Asuka admits, her voice trembling at it.
Diego: Removal of damaged and infected tissue to heal the rest is a fairly standard medical and gardening technique, and breaking away from a cult-based community or dogma is often traumatic during the experience. Just so you know…
"I would not fear that Asuka, for I promise you I shall always return to you," Shinji reassures her.
Wanderer2691: … I am so glad Lels isn’t here, he’d probably get sidetracked by his own William Afton joke into a tangential rant about Five Nights at Freddy’s just to avoid thinking about this…
"You can't promise that. No one can promise that," she says morosely.
"Remember that one of the selling points of Chaos is no angst and crap. I can promise you this Asuka that I will return from anything if it is to be back with you. If you should find my body broken and dead, then to whatever hell my soul travels I will find my way back to you," Shinji tells her.
Nocht: …he says, speaking as a worshiper of one of the capricious deities in a capricious pantheon. Literally any other Ruinous Power would have this as the closest thing they have to a love language; Tzeentch would have “all my plans are dedicated to being with you and ensuring that I do not become a liar.” Endurance and love beyond death is more akin to Nurgle or Slaanesh.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 149
"What if you end up in heaven?" She asks, tears starting to slide down her cheeks.
Turning his head to face her, he smiles and says, "No matter the surface trappings, any heaven would be a hell without you."
Futaba: [Gagging] Blech! Argh! Even if this was sincere, I’d be getting nice and snarky, even though I’d be mostly teasing! Given who it’s from, it’s wretched! Who’d you steal it from, Tzeentchji?
Half-laughing, half-sobbing, Asuka says, "Damned poetic idiot."
Diego: Clearly, the author is a fan, or at least convinced of his own original genius.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 304 (One for the prattle, one for sweeping it off her feet and marveling at its ‘poetry.’)
Smiling, Shinji says, "I promise you that I will find my way back to you. But do you know what would really help?"
"What?" Asuka asks.
"Fight. Fight for me. Fight for you. Fight for us. Your soul blazes with such fury and passion, is it any wonder I was attracted to you in the first place, like a moth to a candle? So long as you fight, I can guide my way by the light of your soul. Fight, it was what you were born for," Shinji tells her.
Taion: …And thus, the truth comes out. It’s making her his weapon and shield, nothing more. No real affection is involved, just control. Ashhead.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 414
"Have I told you I love you?" Asuka asks.
"Not in the past ten minutes," Shinji says with a grin.
"How can you be so awesome Shinji?" Asuka demands.
Wanderer2691: …the incredible ability to use punctuation when typing one-handed.
Rolling over and propping his chin on his hands, he says, "Confidence. Every step taken in confidence is a sure one."
"And how come you're so confident?" Asuka asks.
"Because I know I am strong; I am stronger and better than most other people on this planet, and that is not a statement made in arrogance but simple, cold hard fact. I do not overestimate my strength, but I know I have it, and that clears away so many existential problems. Most people never realize their own strengths, and thus underestimate themselves, and thus become timid and weak. I know my strengths and I know myself, and from there my confidence flows," Shinji tells her.
Nocht: All hands, drill! Number 74941 B, Handsign For Inherited Officer Position That Bribed Out Of Training! Readyyyy! And! … Together!
Diego: Catachans doing that as one must be a thing of beauty…
Emma: In any narrative written with a modicum of competence, this would be setting Tzeentchji up for a catastrophic fall. But this is a Stufic power fantasy, and the author thinks it’s interesting to have a character talk about how awesome he is, just so that can be the truth.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 415
TALON ON THE SCALES: 42 (Just for this being accurate.)
"And your weaknesses?" Asuka asks.
"My age, for people automatically treat me with less respect, but that is also an asset in the right situation. With each passing day that weakness fades away. My need to maintain the secrecy of my true abilities is another weakness. And then there is the fact that, beyond my initial intentions, there are now three very precious people in my life," Shinji tells her.
Sophia: So your weaknesses are something physical and out of your control which will naturally decrease with time, a control you have (allegedly) placed on yourself to serve your goals, and the existence of others who could be weaker than you. What a distinct lack of self-criticism and self-awareness.
Emma: *Very obviously trying not to laugh*
Nocht: [Clearly sharing Emma’s opinion.]
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 416
"They are?" Asuka asks, wanting to hear the words despite already know the answer.
"Misato-san, the mother I missed during my childhood, for all her terribly human flaws. Rei-san, the sister I never had, as much as she can annoy me at times. And you, the girl who I never knew I wanted to steal my heart. If anything ill were to ever happen to any of you, it would be bad," Shinji says with a smile.
Emma: The mother and sister YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 142
"How bad?" Asuka asks.
"Ah, so its more pillow talk you want now, is it? Well, first I would find those responsible and I would begin by… oh, let's say cutting their Achilles tendons so they can't get away. Then would begin the slow, methodical removal of limbs, inch by inch, each new wound being cauterized to avoid death by blood loss. By the end they would be skinless heads attached to torsos, eyes gouged out, noses cut off, tongues yanked free of mouths, lips sewn shut with rusty ten gauge wire, and tubes inserted to keep them alive and in pain. I would then probably conquer the world, or at least a large chunk of it, so as to build a suitably grand tribute to the loss, probably a pyramid to embarrass the ones in Egypt, only made out of the bodies of my enemies coated in resin to prevent decay and give better structural stability. This of course would be occurring while I try everything to undo the damage," Shinji describes vividly.
Wanderer2691: …okay, just gonna add a trigger warning…
Shivering in a mix of fear and pleasure, Asuka says, "Sweet talker."
Futaba: [Holding head] IT. NEVER. ENDS…
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 143
Sophia: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You want to please her with your vengeance? Heal her, and then let her do it herself. Let her unleash her rage and yours on all those who would harm you. Why would a Khornate be pleased at you taking her own bloody revenge?
Diego: Hell, just preface that with “assuming you are dead, and thus unable to be as creative as you.” Instant fix. But, instead…
Laughing, Shinji snuggles up close and says, "And that's just if someone cuts you off in traffic."
Wanderer2691: Holy shit Jobu is being subjected to an infinite amount of this if one of her alternates became a sporker…but yeah, and this is ‘romantic’, all of it. Because Wife Guy.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 304 (Asuka being sweet-talked successfully as a submissive waifu, and also this OTT flirtation.)
Holding him close, they enjoy the silence for a moment before Asuka asks, "Shinji… we love each other so much, and you are so confident, why don't you…"
Nocht: [Horror] … OH EMPEROR NO I’D NEED ANOTHER MIND-CLEANSE-
"Remember how I said that when I touch you, there is still fear there for just a split second? Well even if I have the confidence, you don't, not yet. I would not even dream of anything like that until I knew you were happy with who you were, and unafraid of facing the future. Because, if you weren't ready, I know it would hurt you, and I would be the source. And the last person I could ever forgive for hurting you is me," Shinji tells her.
Nocht: ACTUALLY MIND-CLEANSING IS FINE, JUST REMOVE THIS SCENE.
Futaba: “It’s not me, it’s you”?! “It’s your fear holding you back”?! I wasn’t aware the path of Chaos taught you the fine art of negging! Argh, and she’s literally trying to class into Heretic Honorable Blood Warrior, that is a seriously low blow!
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 417
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 144 (Again - young teenagers and this is being drooled over.)
For a moment Asuka wanted to ask what he would do if she asked him to go further, but she let the question die unasked. Shinji had his own warped sense of principles, of morality. She knew that if she asked him to kill a random stranger on the street, he would smile and ask "How?" but that even if she were to stab him in the heart from the back, he would never lift a finger against her. As he said, the three people precious to him were his weakness, and he would never hurt them.
Wanderer2691: Not where people could see the scars, anyway.
He would never hurt her, even if she asked him to. He might hit her, he might insult her, he might otherwise cause her physical or emotional harm, but he would never take that extra step to turn harm into hurt.
Emma: …Jesus Christ. So you acknowledge he will hit you, insult you, and otherwise harm you… but it doesn’t count as hurting you. Because he could do worse. Because he loves you, so he wouldn’t hurt you. This is just abuse apologism without any sort of fantasy covering.
Diego: …sometimes there is no excuse. We can’t make this funny. Just, fuck off, Tzeentchji,
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 418
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 145
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 305 (Because this is very normie abuse apologetic, too.)
So she asked another question.
"Shinji, if I asked you to stand up in the middle of class, bend me over my desk, and screw me in the butt, would you?" She asks as crudely as possible.
Hugging her tight, he says, "If you actually asked me to."
"I thought so," Asuka says while smiling warmly.
Nocht: [Bland smile] Disgusting.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 146
Shinji was a psychopathic monster at times. But he was her monster.
And slowly, she was turning her into his monster.
But damn it, it was better to be loved as monster than alone as a human.
Sophia: Something I would approve of and agree with, if it wasn’t for the fact you are doing it for his sake.
Nocht: And as someone who was made the Imperium’s monster - they were upfront what Vindicare conditioning was, and that by choosing that and mental cleanse over the Emperor’s Mercy, I’d be condemning myself for a lifetime of shadow wetwork and a terror weapon. I want to be respected for it, but I chose duty over rest - that was my price, along with knowing there’s some part of me that is a cold and alien killer. I am not tricking myself into thinking I enjoy being a monster for the sake of one particular person, I still have the capacity to recognize how different I am to have an opinion on me versus my past self, and free will - however narrowed. I can still choose whether or not to kill on my own assessment. This is just sick, and from what I was briefed on, Asuka losing what makes her distinct as a character as opposed to her wanting an equal, not a master, as a lover.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 147
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 305
DUMMY PLUGGED: 210
Wanderer2691: And…oh fuck. It’s this scene…
Rei had discovered something interesting over the past few weeks. As the smell from her apartment became more pungent, it had started drawing in animals. Despite being such a new city, Tokyo-3 had a well developed stray population, possibly related to the phenomenal rate of expansion.
Nocht’s Face:
Diego: The…Nurglite has pets being drawn in…?
Leliel’s Recording: [Crackles on with a mirthless laugh] Worse. Oh, so very much worse…
Sophia: [Checking the future] …It is exactly as bad as you think. Actually, it is probably worse, as the rejected berserker of Khorne implies. Hardly unknown to me, but…are any here traumatized by mass animal death by disease? I do understand Emma cannot spork this directly…
Wanderer2691: Yeah, no. This is gonna be too hot for Das_Sporking anyway, so… OBJECTION!:
[Scene cuts back to the sporkers after The Scene. Futaba is vomiting in a bucket.]
Futaba: [Retches into bucket] …wh-why? Why? Why?! WHY DO THAT WITH CATS?!
Nocht: [Stunned Silent] I became a Vindicare to deliver swift ends, not slow malingering torture.
Emma: Yeah, I… can’t really talk about cat death, beyond “medically necessary euthanasia”. It’s such a visceral trigger I’m relying on everyone else to confirm it’s over the top beyond my response. I can’t spork this in any way anyone would enjoy, is what I’m saying.
Taion: …I absolutely did not want to see any of this, not at all. In fact… [Readies paper bag]
Diego: …Unless it’s to support the lifecycle of a parasitoid like Cordyceps? Absolutely not, cruelty without a point is one of the few things that is truly an aberration, or at least should be. This is really close to that.
Wanderer2691: Welp, universal opinion - fuck no! So as to keep the sporking safe for both the comm and ourselves, basically Rei’s been inviting sick and dying cats (edit: and other animals, but the focus is cats) inside, allowed to do so because her growing Nurglite influence has scared off everyone else in the building with the omens of death. She also regularly takes the dead ones to the roof to feed a bunch of carrion crows, who under her influence have become viciously protective of the graveyard against things not about to die, including having killed a man who intruded on it and she discovered it later. She ponders his maggot-cleaned skull, and grumpily realizes she needs to bathe to remove the smell of death, but refuses to use soap in the shower - only to suddenly fall over in pain.
Taion: …because the stench got so overwhelming that her nostrils jumped over to throttle her brain. The end. [Pukes into bag.]
Nocht: We should also mention…this was all completely done in the nude. With those same dying cats rubbing themselves against her, along with the disease-tainted crows. I am so glad emotional control allows me to just see this without truly processing.
Wanderer2691: Seriously. For the sheer depravity of this scene alone, when combined with the character assassination of Rei in general… fifty points. With extreme prejudice!
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 197 (Even out of context, this is just disgusting. Even with the context of Nurgle, it’s still disgusting. You’d think this was just to make Rei alien - but later in the fic…)
Nocht: And to be honest…we received another memo from Leliel, to be opened after the Rooftop Graveyard of Pets. To put it here:
Leliel’s Note: “Yeah, sorry I wasn’t clear about that before - but we needed to establish the context for it. And to be honest - all of this is Nurgle’s thing, but once again, it’s shallow as fuck. It’s taking his visual thematics and assuming he’s Plague Inc.: Jolly God Edition, but this is ignoring how he’s also the lord of stagnation, and Rei isn’t even making an attempt to preserve their lives. Despite, once again, undeath being a Nurgle thing for a reason.
Diego: …that is actually a really good point. A real Nurglite would have taken those cats and started practicing biomancy on them to extend their lives to the extent possible, without curing them. This strikes me as confusing the venerable meme-website of 1d4chan for the actual lore, because the whole joke they have is that Nurgle is gross…
Futaba: While Rei’s powers haven’t advanced to that level yet, psychically, she is also a genetics and science hobbyist - not hard to respec into vet medicine, or at least try!
Sophia: While a Nurgilite might have to start at that level of refusing to perform mercy killings, any Nurgilite of any power would rapidly progress to extending life. More to the point… the worship of the Grandfather is disgusting. Of course it is. But this seems less like an honest look at that disgust, and more like shock value. At some point, you have to admit you are writing about the slow deaths of adorable domestic animals out of a childish desire to shock.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 211
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 150
Nocht: And…speaking of said graveyard…
Diego: Well. I can say that, at least, is Nurgle’s balliwick. A pocket shrine to him being composed of dead animals that are guarded by homicidal crows is reasonably defiled enough by nature to be considered a holy place. Yes, this is the kind of place that he or his cult would build, even if they were in some benign state and simply creating a pocket ecology of decay to observe…
…It’s the everything else, because the author has no ability to understand what he wrote!
Nocht: Let’s start with the obvious. Rei is attempting to clean herself of the rotted defilement that is Nurgle-touched carrion…with plain water. And it’s explicit she lets those same bordering-on-dead animals rub against her, with the smell of such clinging to them. And this cleans off the scent to not raise alarm bells. Without somehow disguising her smell through some psychic smell or mundane oils. Do I even need to say it’s groxshit?
TALON ON THE SCALES: 43
Diego: Next is that while NERV is neglectful, they aren’t blind - if residents are moving out of Rei’s apartment building at such speeds, especially if there’s reports of weird behavior in cats and birds - which they explicitly show, rabid cats become pacified around her, the crows become murderously territorial, and they even bring her new pets to add to the graveyard - NERV is going to check, because, I dunno, a possible Angel side effect of the hybrid if not an immensely subtle Angel attacking her?!
TALON ON THE SCALES: 44
Futaba: Oh yeah, that apartment block she’s in? It’s so dilapidated because it’s being demolished - it’s entirely possible that guy was a construction worker, in which case, whoop-de-doo, people gonna investigate, if they didn’t see the perpetual literal murder of crows or discover Mystery Roof X already!
TALON ON THE SCALES: 45
DUMMY PLUGGED: 212
Wanderer2691: And seeing as how she lets plagueridden crows nest on her when eating, she probably has a lot of diseases and other biological contaminants some screening is going to detect in the NERV labs, can’t forget that.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 46
DUMMY PLUGGED: 214
Sophia: And as one final issue - this implies this apartment building has been fully touched by the Grandfather and is now bursting in holy Rot. If so, then it should be showing more signs of His gifts of decay. Where is the rust? Where are the Warp-fed plants? Where is the, not to put too fine a point on it, meat?
(Source: Chaos Gate: Daemonhunters, https://www.goonhammer.com/chaos-gate-daemonhunters-the-goonhammer-review/)
Diego: Once he has laid claim to something, Nurgle is not subtle once he feels secure. He wants his Garden to cover as much of the cosmos as he can, and his influence starts cultivating it. I afford you, the Warp is dead here…but leaving aside how there are mysterious psyker powers anyway, this explicitly isn’t something Rei is doing intentionally, she just decided to start this experiment and voila, suddenly the animals were playing along. Along with, as noted, the miasma of doom driving everyone off. That’s Warp corruption, aka, Grandfather Nurgle’s influence, through her or something else. People will notice, or at least they would if the author’s own ego wasn’t an infinitely massive and dense singularity that draws all logic and coherence into it, to be crushed into nothingness!
TALON ON THE SCALES: 47
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 151
Wanderer2691: Ugh. That out of the way, we do get this palate cleanser.
They were sparring when it happened. One moment Shinji had caught a blow from Asuka and the next he was on the ground, clutching his head in agony, his whole body curling up automatically into the foetal position as he screamed, his whole body feeling like it was on fire.
Futaba: YES. SUFFER FOR US.
Taion: [Coughing, recovering] I swear, if he dies here, I’m gonna sign up for Chaos right here and now. I know that is unlikely, but a man can hope…
"Shinji!" Asuka cried out, dropping to his side.
Convulsing a few times, Shinji finally settled down, his face pulled gaunt by muscle spasms and his skin clammy and pale.
Nocht: Oh hey, he’s handsome now. [Shameless pale Nostroman grin.]
"Shinji! Shinji, what's wrong?" Asuka asks.
Huffing a few times, Shinji manages to get out, "An… An… Ang… Angel. It's an Angel. Psychic attack."
Emma: Huh, I thought we’d breached the fourth wall for a second there.
Wanderer2691: Go An-gel, go Ang-gel, go An-gel go!
Futaba: …huh…[Checks computer]
"Psychic attack? Why is it targeting you?" Asuka asks.
"It's not," Shinji says before convulsing again. Settling down a bit more, he says, "It's… it's disrupting the city's power grid. It's… it's like a flashbang going off in my face."
Futaba: …or someone had the same idea of killing Tzeentchji, because this Angel had nothing to do with that. Not posting on the spork ‘cuz arachnophobia triggers, but here’s Matarael’s wiki page: https://evangelion.fandom.com/wiki/Matarael
Diego: …honestly, I find it almost as cute as Sandalphon. It’s a big ball with big ol’ eyes. Or not, according to the page - the world’s most fashionable eye camo, actually.
Taion: And for those unwilling to see the big spider, the page also says the eyes are a reference to another work by the same director - Nadia: the Secret of Blue Water. And…
Nocht: [Narrows eyes] First: Throne-damned traitors, always making logistics a pain. Second: Hmmm. HMMMMMM.
Wanderer2691: Wow, this Angel’s plagiarized some work from some perfectly good human villains! Bad move, Spidey.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 215
"What? Why am I not affected?" Asuka asks.
Tensing up again, Shinji spasms violently for several seconds before he says, "You're not as well trained… and… ugh… blood for the blood god."
Diego: …as poorly explained as it is, Khorne does confer resistance to psychic powers, so, even if it isn’t involving a Collar of Khorne…okay. Fair point.
Nocht: Not so much the “not as well trained”, an unprepared psyker is more vulnerable to these strikes, for the same reason a bigger person is easier to hit - that is part of why psykers are the first targets for an intrusion from the Warp.
EXCOMMUNICAE CANONICUS: 152
Shinji jerked his head a few times until Asuka clued into the fact that he wasn't suffering spasms, but trying to point at something. Looking up, Asuka found he was pointing at a mirror, and she saw her reflection. The whites of her eyes were brilliant crimson and a thin trickle of blood was leaking from the outside corner of each eye.
Wanderer2691: …Okay, that’s fairly…
Dabbing at the blood, Asuka can only say, "Whoa."
Wanderer2691: That.
Diego: And lore-accurate. That is very much the kind of mutation you’d expect Khorne to gloweringly give his worshipers, with the painful-looking aspects being because he resents having to gift his chosen with strength, even though he knows they need and want them - that same hate of cowardice also comes with resentment of the fact that people can’t be empowered entirely by their own strength and expect to win.
Grunting again, Shinji says, "Listen… listen… Rei may or may not be affected… it… it doesn't matter. Get to NERV, get to… to… ugh… to your Eva. If… if you're lucky, Rei will be there with you… if… ah… if not… just… just kill the fuck…"
"What about you Shinji-chan?" Asuka asks desperately.
"Kill… kill… the Angel and… and I'll be fine," Shinji tells her.
"I'm not leaving you!" Asuka cries out.
Nocht: And, as much as this is a continuation of Asuka remaining the most lover-dependent Khornate heretic ever…
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 306
Nocht: This is sweet. Sweet enough, if a bit more lovey-dovey than I believe Asuka often is, but I’ve also been told she is like this around her crush Kaji, so eh. And it remains sweet, if cliche…until this line…
"Are… are you going to… to… give up because you're afraid? Are… are you going to let me… ah… suffer like this?" Shinji asks, glaring up at her.
Taion: …Interesting turn of phrase. Also: Fuck off, Tzeentchji.
GENDO’S FATED BASTARD: 419
Futaba: Even when he’s being nice…it’s always me, me, me, meeeee. In another fic, I’d like this, but given how manipulative and self-centered he always is…it’s hard not to notice a pattern!
Taion: But in any case, Asuka takes off, finding the disoriented and nude Rei crawling to NERV to report, wounded from how she fell but otherwise coherent - which, from what I understand, is a distinctly Nurglite level of endurance, so, no issue, and it’s not like she had time or focus to dress. I don’t know why Asuka doesn’t smell her before she sees her, but that’d be double-counting if I cited that.
Emma: What, were you assuming… all that would have any sort of consequences or weight, instead of just existing to be edgy in and of itself?
"Listen First Child, we need to get to NERV, and… and I don't think I can find my way through the tunnels in the dark. Can you help me?" Asuka asks.
"Where is Shinji-kun?" Rei asks.
"In a worse state than you," Asuka says grimly.
"Alabama?" Rei asks.
Sporkers: [Flat stare]
Futaba: I don’t know where Alabama is or even why Americans like to crack dark jokes about it, and moreover, the Japanese division of the country into political areas are called prefectures.
(Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/qc4kv7/the_map_through_the_eyes_of_an_american_i_am/ )
Wanderer2691: The world, according to Academia Nut, for viewing not-quite-pleasure.
Emma: It’s a very American joke, and it’s also a pun that makes me go “hang on, aren’t all these characters speaking Japanese? Does that double meaning even exist?”
Diego: It really does not - puns really do not translate well, regardless if it’s from any language or to any language. Japanese especially, as a lot of them are based on kanji.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 216
Laughing darkly, Asuka shoulders her new load and begins walking, saying with dry sarcasm, "This is a perfect time for jokes."
Nocht: Well, in comparison to the rest of the fic, it’s no worse…
"I am afraid that in my current condition the only positive contribution to the situation I can make is jokes," Rei says.
"Then I stand by my previous statement," Asuka states wryly.
"You are in an uncharacteristically good mood today," Rei states.
"Making out with Shinji-kun tends to do that," Asuka says smugly.
Diego: [Long-suffering sigh as he closes his eyes.] I am so glad none of my Callings are Lover, my soul would have been shriveled by now with this farce…
Emma: Lest we spend a few paragraphs without being reminded that these characters revolve entirely around their relationships with the Stu.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 307
"What base did he get to?" Rei asks.
Taion: [Spits tea]
Futaba: …do you really want to think about that now?!
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 198
Pausing, Asuka glares at Rei across her shoulder and asks, "Why do you want to know?"
"I want to know if he got as far with you as you have with me. I believe you are already at second base," Rei says with a weak smile.
Nocht: Apparently. Also, somehow I doubt Rei lacks the discipline needed to focus on more pressing matters, like say the Angel psychically attacking her and glamouring the world into blaming it for the sabotage.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 199
DUMMY PLUGGED: 217
Shaking her head angrily, Asuka continues marching and says, "Shut it First Child."
"So it was at least second base. Clothing or no clothing," Rei inquires.
Wanderer2691: I want to remind everyone that she is nude, and saying this while covered in dying feline matter and diseased crow feathers while saying that. And is also 14.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 200
"I said shut it," Asuka says vehemently.
"No clothing. How scandalous," Rei says while closing her eyes and picturing herself enviously in Asuka's place.
Wanderer2691: Also that rooftop has a large maggot and other carrion-eating insect population she has been in close contact with. And is being all “cutely jealous” about this.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 201
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 308
"Are you trying to piss me off?" Asuka asks.
"We're at the station, aren't we?" Rei says.
Looking about, Asuka realizes that they are indeed at the transit station leading to the Geofront.
"What?" Asuka asks in amazement.
"You draw strength from your anger," Rei says with a shrug.
Diego: Apparently, strong enough to break canon, as spatial warping is a distinctly Tzeentchian technique. Either that or she put on a burst of speed without noticing, which is actually less plausible, because she’d be moving at Yog-knows-what kilometers per hour while having her spat with her passenger.
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 152
Sophia: To minimize the irritation, the summary is that Asuka finds that without power, they require a door with a manual override, with the disorientated Rei serving as navigator as best she can, despite the psychic assault, concussion, and lacerations causing blood loss.
"Don't you dare die on me First Child," Asuka growls.
"Why?" Rei asks.
"A few reasons really. First of all, I still owe you for hauling me off Sandalphon," Asuka says.
"I did not do that for you. Shinji-kun would be sad if you perished, and I do not want him sad," Rei states.
Futaba: And no other reason, including ones like “I am linked to humanity” that don’t conflict with that, of course…
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 309
DUMMY PLUGGED: 218
Half-hissing, half-growling, Asuka says, "That's the second reason. You're one of three people precious to Shinji-kun. So I guess you're precious to me too."
"I… I'm precious to you?" Rei asks in a groggy sort of surprise.
Emma: Wow, this whole scene really encompasses everything I’ve been complaining about, doesn’t it? We had all that elaborate discussion about how Rei and Asuka have felt each other up, and have they made it to second base, and we briefly reached Rei comparing their relationship to Asuka’s and Shinji’s… but only on a physical level. The only emotional connection these characters, who are apparently being written as bi women, have, is based on the fact they have a Real relationship with a Man.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 311 (That's worth two points - one for making bisexuality subservient to Man-dom, and for it for being purely physical.)
"Only by proxy!" Asuka snaps. "Shinji would be furious if I left you to die."
"He would," Rei agrees.
Nocht: Ah, yes, it’s what he wants, of course. I’d say Tzeentch would be proud of his servant’s ability to make pawns, but I think he values initiative in actual cultists and peers, along with enough independence to consider usurpation. Keep the arch-heretic on his toes.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 312
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 153
"The third reason, and the most important, is that I still have no idea where I am, so if you pass out on me, we're both lost," Asuka states.
Grinning, Rei replies, "Pragmatic as always. Tell me, is Shinji-kun a good kisser?"
Wanderer2691:
Didn’t even get plain water and there’s blood joining that slime, by the way…
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 202
"What?" Asuka roars furiously, nearly dropping her cargo so that she could slug her.
The cry echoes throughout the tunnels for a moment before there was an unexpected cry back of "Asuka? Asuka is that you?"
Her eyelids fluttering, Rei smiles and says, "My voice doesn't carry as well as yours," before she faded away.
Futaba: And she did this instead of the Rei method of telling Asuka to scream loud because…because Academia Nut is a horny goblin, I guess.
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 203
DUMMY PLUGGED: 219
"Damn it Rei!" Asuka cries out as her passenger goes quiet.
Light suddenly floods the end of the tunnel as people with flashlights begin searching for her. Rushing over to the technicians, she says, "Rei's hurt real bad."
Taking Rei's limp body, one of the technicians says, "Quick, you're almost to the Eva bays, there's an Angel approaching and…"
Diego: And promptly passed out from the smell that is clinging to Rei, but our dear author seems to have conveniently forgotten the moment it might pose a complication to the power fantasy.
TALON ON THE SCALES: 48
Pointing to her bloodied eyes and cheeks, Asuka says, "I know, it's the reason why the power's out, and why Rei is hurt and Shinji isn't here."
Futaba: Overhearing this, Fuyutsuki and Gendo looked at each other in confusion given how they realized it was human, then remembered what fic they’re in, sighed, and nodded along.
Recoiling in shock, the tech quickly shakes it off and points down a hall, saying, "Quick, get to the Evas!"
Rushing now that she was free of Rei's weight, Asuka quickly reaches the bays where the Evas are being manually prepared, with Ritsuko watching over them all.
"Asuka! Where's… oh my God, your face!" Ritsuko says in horror.
"Defence mechanism against the Angel I suppose. It's already incapacitated Shinji and Rei," Asuka states.
Taking in this fact, Ritsuko says quietly, "Of course! Clever bastards!" Shaking her head, she says, "Get in your plug suit, you have to stop this thing."
Taion: …well. You’re being awfully incurious about the fact there is blood in your pilot’s eyes and it is not troubling her at all.
Emma: Maybe writing a fic where your main characters are incognito worshippers of the least subtle gods from the least subtle setting ever was a bad idea?
Futaba: And Gendo isn’t helping out with the manual efforts, as he did in canon, showing his minorly redeeming aspect of courage and willingness to pull his weight. But of course, then he wouldn’t be the Scary Stu…
TALON ON THE SCALES: 49 (Ritsuko not caring enough to question this except as “side effect of the Angel” when in fact she’d be freaking out at potential mental contamination and making a note to check it later.)
DUMMY PLUGGED: 221 (Both that and Gendo’s mysterious absence.)
With the news that only one of the Evas could sortie reaching them, the crews quickly focus all efforts on Unit 02, which ironically was still being repaired from all the damage inflicted by diving into Sandalphon and then firing her melta point blank. Asuka hoped the bastard was using a lot of power to shut down the power grid otherwise she was going to be in for a world of hurt.
Screw thinking like that. This Angel made it personal by hurting Shinji; it's the one in for a world of hurt.
Nocht: Not a spot of concern for Rei, I’ve noticed. Or yourself. Just your man.
Emma: Well, he’s the only one that matters.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 313
Futaba: But, as fitting with Matarael being kind of a joke once the Evas got up and running, the fight is rather short. Unit-02 launches and crawls up the entry shaft, getting a faceful of the Angel’s main weapon, acid.
Nocht: Mood kindred, xenos beast. We despise being part of this as well.
Futaba: Obvious joke aside, Asuka activates what I guess is her true Khorne Berserk Mode for the first time and becomes so angry she suddenly becomes superhumanly perceptive and fast on the uptake, dodging where Matarael melted some nice stage hazards into the shaft and one-shotting it with her melta…which sounds impressive, until you realize Matarael, after its AT Field was neutralized, canonically was killed by conventional arms fire. It’s that squishy, and I can’t help but feel it was used as an armor against Asuka being chickified to a much worse degree than the intentional loss of competence to stress in the series…and completely missing the point, if not because our author actually likes the idea of Asuka always being weaker than THE MAAAAAAN.
Emma: Yeah, between that and her berserker rage being triggered by the thought of someone touching Shinji, this is pretty obviously the fic making sure Asuka’s not traditionally feminine aspects in battle are downplayed and made acceptable by tying them to “undying subservient devotion to a man”.
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 314
The best description of what happened next was that Asuka "splashed" the target. This was to say that she "splashed" the target all across downtown Tokyo-3, the rounds designed for killing the armoured hides of Shamshel and Ramiel plunging into the Angel's soft body and detonating, transforming it into a substance typically described of as "chunky salsa".
Wanderer2691: Dammit why did we use the laughing rocks already…
Surprisingly, Asuka had no victory shout, merely a relieved sigh. Everyone was safe now.
Ritsuko passed her hand over Rei's eyes, shutting them forever.
Diego: [Sighing] If only you were allowed freedom from this…
Nocht: Right…she is a replicae - sorry, a clone, yes? And only one soul across her model. Unfortunate, the Emperor’s Mercy is indeed denied to her before Nurgle and the author sink their claws ever deeper.
"Does anyone else know?" Gendo asks quietly and menacingly.
Futaba: …uh, why? There’s hardly some ‘threat’ in it, Ritsuko is the one who caretakes the Rei tanks, and she’s the only one - it’s way more Gendo to be completely casual or monotone about it if he thinks the soul is safe. Or even mildly upset, because even knowing that he can just decant another Rei, he still burned his hands saving her.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 222
Diego: Ugh, this refusal to see the humanity in the other side, only the mythical enemy, is why I am glad to not be part of the Titanomachy. Anyway, Ritsuko admits she euthanized this particular incarnation of Rei, and can awaken her next body in an hour. She theorizes her recent personality changes is due to her semi-Angelic biology adapting to her mood stabilizing medication and - I’m sorry, are you implying her withdrawn nature was due to deliberate action by NERV?! WHAT?!
Nocht: Oh, that’s not offensive at all. “No, this attractive girl isn’t cold by nature or otherwise autistic or working partly off her internal xenos social cues, it’s just the drugs her masters slip her that make her alien!” Even if that wasn’t the case, it certainly seems as if it was pulled directly from Academia Nut’s rear, or at least that of his forum.
Wanderer2691: [Gritted teeth] It is. Rei has prescription drugs in her apartment, and Ritsuko later injects her with something that she says Rei needs to live. If you’re going to make Rei Nurglite, moron, maybe an early sign is no longer needing the literal and explicit life-saving medication to be stable?! Honestly, this was a common-ish fan theory, but Ritsuko has no reason to lie about this apart from “author massively hates Ritsuko”, and Rebuild makes it clear that yeah, these medications are meant to stop Rei melting into LCL due to her biology not agreeing with itself.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 223
HETERONORMATIVE HEDGEHOG: 315 (Because we all know this is also making it that can be fixed with the power of Stu Dick (™).)
Sophia: That…wonderful inference aside, Gendo asks for a full genetic reset, not knowing that the blessings of Chaos are on the soul, and…now that I speak it aloud, I am surprised Ritsuko is not wondering if Asuka’s own blessing is linked to Rei’s own uplifted biology.
Taion: Ah, but that would be too straightforward, and distract from the author continuing to grow this plot into a regular kudzu dedicated to his own imagined intellect.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 224 (She’d be curious and suspect a link just out of scientific rigor.)
TALON ON THE SCALES: 50
"Very well, take measures to ensure this does not happen with the new one," Gendo says before staring down at the dead body of Rei II. "I will dispose of this."
Futaba: Again - he saved her life. Even if he knows he’s going to boot up another hard drive for her software, he should be at least wincing at seeing her dead like this, or proud she was a soldier to the end even as she was slowly dying.
Emma: I feel like, even if it’s subconsciously, Academia Nut realizes that if he portrays Gendo’s (bizarre and ultimately harmful) genuine affection of Rei then Tzeentchji would have no leg to stand on.
DUMMY PLUGGED: 225
Nocht: And the next scene shows…actual competence in this writing.
I bet you will.
Unbeknownst to either the doctor or the commander, the giggling Reis in the tank all looked directly at them for just a moment, their blank expressions replaced by ones of intense curiosity and suspicion. The moment lasted for less than a full second.
Had Ritsuko bothered to check, she would have discovered that all the Reis had developed a complete immunity to all hostile pharmaceuticals sometime in the past few hours, sometime after Rei II passed on.
Any attempt to kill the now completely cognizant, if still mostly non-sapient clones, would have ended… messily.
Sophia: Ah. You’ve finally fumbled your way to the truth of the Plaguefather. Wonderful.
Futaba: [Shivers] Creepy…I love it. Really shows just how eldritch and subtle Chaotic influence can be, as well as how crafty. Neat, and it makes sense, given how, well, they’re her clones. They’re linked, and they’re meant to be vessels for her, including a place she can slot her soul in, this isn’t even stepping outside of canon. As Sophia says, Chaos is in the soul.
Wanderer2691: …which naturally, begs the question why we had to end on this scene instead!
Several hours later at the very depths of Terminal Dogma, so deep down no one would have ever found anything, something skulked up to the broken, rag doll form of Rei II, dismissively tossed into the depths.
Futaba: As opposed to dissolving into LCL, which is both easier to hide and is what canonically happens to her dead bodies. (EDIT: This wasn't explicit until Rebuild, admittedly, but Ritsuko herself mentions they're bodily stabilizers and we saw her clones dissolve when Ritsuko did destroy them - so, we're gonna keep these points, as we're assuming that it's true for OG Rei too - and because that then runs into "why isn't there a system to dispose of Rei's bodies, particularly in Japan, Cremation Capital of the World for many reasons" even if they don't dissolve.)
DUMMY PLUGGED: 226
TALON ON THE SCALES: 51
Pale, delicate hands grasped the body and hauled it into a more easily accessed location, before grasping the shattered remains of the neck and pulling.
Taion: …is this going to be…
With a wet, meaty sucking sound, the head separated from the body.
Taion: …it is. [Moans, sinks into chair]
Wanderer2691: I had to ask the real-life Leliel if this was bodily mutilation or a euphemism for oral sex. What is this fic, and what is it doing to me…?
Futaba: [Slinks back, whimpers] You know you reached rock bottom when this Suethor is so down bad that the distinction in intent is academic.
Leliel’s Recording: Oh, noooo… [Almost-audible grin] We didn’t even come close to rock bottom, yet…
Holding it up by the greasy, blood stained hair, Rei looks at her own face and grins. This would make the beginning of what could very well be a very interesting collection.
Sporkers:
Diego: [Slow, sarcastic applause] Brah-voh. Thrilling. Absolutely stunning, your ability to apply to a low-budget horror movie is riveting. I mean, not at all what Nurgle worshipers would do, they’d prefer something more degradable, and skulls are a Khorne thing, but what do I know? I kneel before Stinky Crazy Yandere GF.
Emma: But it’s got DEAD THINGS, Diego! Isn’t that ENOUGH?
THE DARK PRINCE’S AT FIELD: 204
PRIMORDIAL BRAINFART: 154
Taion: Nghh…Futaba, may you please sit in on the next one? I think everyone was exhausted by that…rooftop.
Nocht: I will be happy to volunteer to remain for that. I am eager to meet this “Leliel” as well as “Shinobu.” Diego had his own two-spork-long session, and I may serve as an expert on…well, a universe similar to mine.
Futaba: [Moaning sounds] Like I have a choice, then…
Wanderer2691: Yeah. Join us next time, for baddies that exist to be steamrolled over for the Awesome, more disgust, and one of the most wasted Angel fights in this entire fic, and only because of what comes at the time skip!
Meanwhile, Somewhere Across the Seas of Tindalos
Timeline TTS-323 (Xothian Classification)
Calixis Sector, Malfi Orbit, Surface of Bosola (Moon)
The first sign something in the Dark Eldar’s plan to punish Malfi’s liberators for their temerity that was available to the majority of the species had gone very wrong was the whispering.
The first sign available to any was their leading Haemonculus waking from his recuperation tank to see a single plain letter in mechanical autoquill typeface taped to its front, along with a distinctive card:
To the incurious coward Izentrion Crach, the devouring patriarch of Desecration,
You have spent centuries sinking further and further into your own ego, ignoring the growing corruption of yourself and your entire species. Even when She Who Thirsts awoke, you convinced yourself it was an evolution rather than a sentence of extinction, even as your parents and children died under the blades of others and later yourself to create living armor between you and your fear. Your desire for a family that would love you even as you twisted and used them made you less than the insects you claim to so admire, for insects are capable of altruism and proportion. You are the Fall of the Eldar made flesh, a cruel and scared child play-acting at being an adult artist who thinks his work speaks of anything except his lack of taste and need to be respected without actually having anything meaningful to say. Within one turn of Malfi, we will have snuck past that warped armor you are so proud of and force you to see what you have become even by your own warped standards, and all your kind will hear you renounce the path of the Dark Kin, as you will no longer have the Heart that lets you ignore the conscience you claim to have become more than.
Signed and smithed,
The Phantom Thieves of Hearts.
He couldn’t help but read it. The fact someone had snuck into his own chambers simply to tape a notice to the front of his bed, along with the existence of things he himself had consciously suppressed to hide potential weaknesses, paralyzed him within it.
Even as he furiously took his wasps to some convenient mon-keigh, creativity lost in a need to establish who was the master of the ship and Coven, a thin, reedy voice that sounded like a much younger, much less enhanced version of himself hissed in the furious terror of a cornered animal. “If what I make is armor, then their still-living faces will make a wonderful radiation shield. How dare they claim to understand the Fall, and what you had to become to even live…!?”
But if anyone in the Coven of the Tyrant Hive noticed the notoriously aloof Haemonculus and his eccentric tendencies, let alone the attached forces from the aerial Kabal of the Flayed Skull, they did not bring them up out of disinterest or fear of reprisal, likely both. So it was the whispers.
Given how obsessed the Drukhari were with the control of their slaves, it was really a testament to their contemptuous overconfident laziness that they did not recognize the echoes of alien susurrus that echoed through each of their voidcraft: Ia…Ia…xata Kl’neer…fhataghn ris…
Ever since they were in orbit, the most ‘prime’ slaves - the ones who didn’t break instantly, the ones the Dark Kin took their time with to see if they could - and the most trained - the ones who were forced to bow early out of concern for others - would sing it to themselves to whether the blows and the work, which their masters would only hear if they bothered to listen to the pained muttering. Had they spared a minute more, they would have realized that the slaves also grew…stoic, as they heard it. Not stronger, they wailed in the same pain as they lost control of their voice, but the whimpering and hateful glares ceased, becoming more calm, withdrawn…anticipatory. Waiting for some signal, and grinning darkly when they were sure the Drukhari weren’t looking. And not just the humans, although they were the vast majority of the Coven’s herd - and they did not notice the pain engines, those cybernetic tortured monsters born of slaves forced by automatic machines of pain to serve their mutilators sharing the grins secretly, certainly.
So when the whispers began, every Drukhari paused in confusion, for two seconds just as they were about to drop Mimic Fields.
Two seconds was all the Raven Guard needed.
The “mined-out asteroids” drifting close to the disguised Drukhari ships detonated with the force of nova cannons as the masses of mines the Nineteenth went off, and Vanguard Marines stepped out of pockets in space the forming cults of Kleiner, the Guide At The Threshold, Blinder Through Knowledge of the Eastern Watcher, and Custodian of the Current, had helped hide them in (and with the young Elder God himself having turned his considerable charisma convincing them to trust him and his pro-human intentions) and striking many important Drukhari before they even realized what was going on. The Salamander fleet they had “snuck past” wheeled around and started pounding what few vessels the Ravens hadn’t infiltrated, due to relative lack of slaves, and on the surface of Bosola, strange newly-built pyramids suddenly glowed with starlight and released great beasts between bird and back, screeching with sound that traveled across the void as they fell upon Crach’s flagship, the Dying Sun-class battleship Idiobiont Empress.
Soon, other things came out of the stasis-pockets the Marines hit in, strange blocky creatures that resembled broken statues made of slate, marble, and weather-scarred flesh, from ambulant limbs to semi-damaged figures whose lack of feet did not slow their motion. All of them sang that whisper, now revealed to be a choir in a language none in the universe or even the Warp had heard, chanting anon even as they carved through the confused and panicked Drukhari.
But it was not the Gargoyles of the Threshold Wall that told the Dark Eldar you cannot win this fight.
Nor was it the shantanks making shipfall on the Empress with minimum casualties, the guns and escort too panicked to notice the swarming space birds.
Nor was it the majority of the pain engines on the afflicted ships turning on their keepers as one, the last expression on many a Wych, Wrack, or Beastmaster’s decapitated head being one of utter bafflement, not understanding why the engine seemed to not be accepting commands, and the loyal ones being left alone until mute spirits of froglike beings came to them and signed she loves you to them, causing them to join the revolt of their renewed will.
Nor was it when the more panic-prone ships retreated to the Webway, only for the glow of the opening Warpgates to not be purple or bluish-white, but glittering yellow and gold, and shortly thereafter the last anyone ever heard of those crews (but not the slaves that came with them) was a mysterious message cordially inviting all to Carcosa to watch a newly inspired play based on the fundamental paradoxes and emptiness of Commorragh life and politics.
No, that was when the Empress…stopped shooting.
And then gave the order to surrender for sentencing and interrogation by the Imperium and its Last Redoubt auxiliaries. “We are but cruel children,” the hollow voice of what was once the Haemonculus Master Crach came. “And it’s time we learned discipline.”
In that moment, every one of the Dusk Wraiths remembered the “paltry mon-keigh psychic trick” that had been pulled on their old pawn.
And realized: they, the supposed eternal masters of the galaxy, were not immune, and weaker than the humans.
A majority of Drukhari casualties were actually inflicted by actions caused by other Drukhari, turning on each other in a mad frenzy to escape having everything that was Drukhari about them removed, leaving shivering, guilty eldar youths in their place (and refusing to question why they suspected it), and upon realizing the Webway was interdicted, to Malfi itself - right through the Salamanders’ guns. The artfulness, the confidence, the spectacle of violence was lost, Wyches fighting with quick fists instead of chains, Incubi abandoning their posts and armor to move faster, and the shadow-swords of Mandrakes left discarded in the hulls in the mad rush - there was no sport or even their hunger for pain anymore - now they were but scared beasts in a trap, and acted like such, fleeing from the hunters they thought were prey - even if it was deeper into the territory of the predators, scared beasts did not think that far, something the omnivorous and cunning endurance runners that humans were at their most primal selves were all too aware of.
Not Crach though.
Crach simply activated what auto-controls he could without his fleeing Wracks, set the Empress into docked orbit around Bosola, took his own personal craft to its surface, and…waited.
The luxury shuttle was almost as great a small hab-block, and had its own pocket life support good for days…and now, devoid of screams or much sign of life except for its master staring at the destruction above him, eyes devoid of anything except a dull horror, slumped into the bridge and almost a corpse himself apart from his long, low breaths, just enough left to keep his body going to fully process the monster he became, the monster he made of the world around him - and that it wasn’t worth it. None of it was.
There was, however, something unliving, splendid, and not at all upset with the proceedings, only that he was not able to capture this battle in a temporal pocket in its entirety, languidly making his way to the bridge to savor the sensation of truly novel finds for as long as possible.
(Source: Magic: The Gathering)
Even when he heard the gentle steps of organic feet in artificial civilian-grade leather carried across in artificially purified air, Trazyn the Infinite did not break out of his sublimed trance, watching the days-long aftermath of a truly monumental disaster, and the truly artful trap fully closing, before him, for a good few seconds. The owner of the steps patiently waited for him to come out.
“Records indicate an Astartes would be wearing power armor,” he said, finally. “But that sort of statement is likely to be bordering on offensive to your intellect. That make of leather, from its frequency, has not been manufactured for millennia and the composure of the sound waves, the make of shoe has been forgotten for longer than that. You also have not drawn weapons on me, though I suspect a silent escort, and you allowing me to experience this - I sincerely give my thanks for that, while we are on the subject - so I believe your intentions are for an alliance. Which means that this imminent battle was brought to my attention to both draw me out and to put me in a mood open to negotiation, and you are likely the cause for turning Crach into a most spectacular subject, and likely one of the sources of these odd xenos allies to an Imperium that supposedly rejects them. What kind of Archaeovist do you think I am, and how did you develop such an accurate picture?”
“A really intense lorehound,” Shinobu said as the Necron Overlord turned to face the two of them. “Shinobu Hattori and Ambrose Kleiner, by the way.”
The abstract shapes of the stones assembled into the vague outline of a man in a robe bowed. “It is a pleasure to meet a fellow scholar of history and the sciences,” the figure ground in a voice that was somehow completely understandable despite being made of grinding stones and speaking in a completely unfamiliar language, not something Trazyn was used to at all.
This did not dim his enthusiasm in the slightest. “...I am truly sorry, but I have to ask - would you be remiss to being in an exhibit? I would normally not ask, but you have already brought something truly unique to me, and so I do feel a bit impolite to take more without asking.”
“Uh, got kind of a life outside there, thanks,” a slightly shaken Shinobu said. “And…yes, we need your help,” he said, holding out a USB.
“...remarkable,” Trazyn said, taking it as his mechanical eyes lit up with digital scanners. “This is new! Are you, perhaps, temporally displaced? It would certainly explain…the…shoe…”
A Necron’s face did not have expressions that could be described as “smiling” or “not”, but it did not take a genius to realize if he could, he’d be having one that was vanishing.
“...Oh,” he said, finally. “Oh, that is not good at all. The amount of historiography and primary source bias alone…” He shook his head. “We will negotiate payment later, in a more formal setting. But you have my full attention and interest. Though, this does explain why that particular symbol is here,” he said, pointing to an odd design over Crach’s throne, one that looked almost like the design of the sigil of the Tyrant Hive.
One Shinobu recognized:
Shinobu blinked. “...why is an alien using kanji?”
“If my temporal sensors are correct…Cranch’s importance might well be the product of a temporal warp himself,” Trazyn said, casually. “It has been known to happen…I suspected he might have seen the kanji for ‘honeybee’ and did not want to admit he stole it from a lesser species as inspiration. Kleiner, my sensors indicate agitation, why are you…” He trailed off. “You know this sigil. You know something of who it indicates.”
“Ichiro…what are you doing…?”, Ambrose muttered to himself. “And if you know what we’re seeking, why are you putting your descendants at risk…? …as much as it violates dramatic convention,” he said after a second, “I know the kanji as the personal symbol of one Ukai Ichiro - the founder of the Last Redoubt’s archrivals, the Tsan-Chan. Turned the Elder God version of Divis Julius.”
Shinobu blinked. “As in, the Cruel Empire of the Tsan-Chan? …wait, isn’t that name Chinese?”
“It is, but Ukai was a better sociologist than he was an archeologist, and besides, he lived hundreds of years after China and Japan ceased to be discrete political entities.” Ambrose shrugged. “He based it off Confucianism, romanticized ideas of bushido, and a surface-level reading of Nietzsche. The sheer torture of some of its mystical science is matched only by his treatment of his sources.” He shook his head. “But I digress. Trazyn, what do you know of biotransference?”
The imaginary grin would have returned. “...I will explain it on the way to my ship.”
